Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Shy guy or just disinterested?
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Lane.
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Anna
I met this guy on a night out, we have mutual friends so I vaguely knew who he was and vice versa. We were both with our friends and then we end up making out. We both had our first kiss and it was a great night. He’s naturally quite a shy guy although he’s part of quite an outgoing, popular group of friends. I got the feeling his friends wouldn’t leave him alone about what happened and I was told by a mutual friend that some of his guy friends had told him not to message me back.
Anyway, we didn’t speak for a few days and then we both ended up going out again to the same place (separately with out friends) and the exact same thing happened all over. He was with his friends and I was with mine, he approached me and we went off together and had another great night. Again, we walked back together but nothing happened after that. We didn’t talk at all for a few days and then at someone’s party we started chatting on our own for ages then ended up going back and making out again at his but nothing serious. I was leaving to go home from college the next day. I messaged him to let him know I was going and I didn’t hear anything back. A few minutes later I’ve left and I get a message saying he didn’t reply because the wifi was bad where he was with his friends. I tell him its fine and wish him a good holiday. I didn’t get a reply back and I haven’t heard from him for weeks.
I’ve just assumed he’s not interested anymore but part of me wonders if he’s just too shy to initiate further contact. Mutual friends have told me that he’s not great at messaging, he doesn’t have a lot of social media and he’s relatively shy in person. Thing is, I feel like if he really was interested he’d have messaged me back. In the current situation it’s unlikely we’ll see each other for months until we both go back to college and I just don’t know how to feel about the situation. I feel a bit desperate messaging him but I felt like we really got on and I just want to know if he feels the same way or not and then I can move on. It’s the uncertainty that’s making me uneasy. Should I message him? And if I do what do I say considering it has been nearly 4 weeks since we last spoke to each other?
Raven
He’s only ‘interested’ when you’re convenient to him…
Anna
Maybe I should just move on and accept that he doesn’t really care. I would definitely have moved on by now if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s known to be awful at communicating which just makes me wonder if he’s just inexperienced and doesn’t know how to keep things going. Then again, I feel like I’m making too many excuses for him and recognise that if it’s only really me putting effort into this it means he’s just disinterested.
Raven
Yes, please move on…
Tallspicy
Shy men and bad communicators end up with girlfriends so never buy into the myth that they are incapable of pursuing. From your story, you did most of the work that was outside running into him. That is called chasing. And anyone who can’t muster a sweet goodbye should be dropped.
Liz Lemon
I agree with the advice given that you should move on. Just ask yourself, even if he were interested but a bad communicator, why would you want to date someone who is so horrible at communication?! Imagine what a nightmare he would be as a boyfriend if he can’t even reply to a simple message. But at any rate, I don’t actually think he’s that interested. Even a guy who’s “not great at messaging” knows how to reply to a woman he’s attracted to, and makes the effort (it actually requires very little effort to reply to a message anyway). This guy just doesn’t care.
Lane
You need to understand the difference between *physical* and *emotional* attraction, He only had physical attraction for you but not emotional which is what a man NEEDS to have in order for him to progress it. Your interludes were superficial in that he enjoyed engaging in the physical with you but didn’t achieve the emotional aspect. Only when you have BOTH is there a chance for the potential of it getting off the ground, but if one of these elements is missing its best to back out and move on pronto.
For instance, my eldest son met a young lady at a dog park. They spoke a little and that brief conversation did something to him that made him WANT to be around her! He literally did some recon stalking so he could talk to her again, and after a few more dog park meet ups he asked her out on a date and the rest is history, she’s now his wife! My son although I wouldn’t say he’s “shy” but he’s very introverted and reserved were he doesn’t speak unless he has something meaningful or important to say so I wouldn’t assume this guy is shy as he surrounds himself with outgoing people but that he just not be the type to talk or open up unless he feels the need to do so.
Just know when a man meets that special lady who is different from all the others he’s met, and someone they are seriously want to get to know, they will put the emotional attraction in front of the physical. This is what you need to look for and not start out with physical as that’s shallow and superficial but hold out for the emotional whereas a man will ask and want to get ‘deeper’ emotionally v. engaging in a make-out session.
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