This topic contains 68 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Deena 4 days, 21 hours ago.
April 5, 2017 at 1:35 pm #616989
Really need some advice on this! Thank you all!!
Was in NYC for 5 days last week and I met his guy online and we hit it right off. I had really low expectations before the date but it was a pleasant surprise. We both got so connected like never before and we both rarely have this attraction towards anyone before at such an early stage. We had a lot of good talks, had a few drinks and we slept together. I had to go back to the Canada the next morning, and he already booked a flight to Seattle on my way to the airport for the Easter weekend as we have agreed to see each other the night before and we picked Seattle because it’s closer to me. (2-3 hours drive) We keep in touch daily, send each other love messages, pics etc, and everything is going well. However we somehow accidentally talked about something more serious last night and we talked about our expectations. Turned out that my expectations is a lot higher than him. I didn’t think we are going to get married or anything, but I do see him in a long term relationship and I’m willing to do Long D after the Seattle trip if things are right. He told me he wants to be honest with me and won’t just tell me what I want to hear. He doesn’t like Long D and he thinks it’s not realistic. He’s tried it and he find it really difficult. He doesn’t like the feeling of missing someone and he’s a needy person, he’d always want his gf to be around him. Long D is too hard for him and he would not give it another shot. He told me he really like me a lot and that’s why he booked Seattle cuz he really wants to see me again and get to know me more and enjoy each other’s company, but I guess he doesn’t think we are going anywhere after the trip. I told him that he gave me a dilemma now. He said he cares about me and don’t want to hurt me, and if I feel that I would get more hurt after Seattle, he can cancel the trip. I feel like he doesn’t like me enough to give this a shot and just shut the door. My heart really wants to go but I don’t know if I can have an open attitude about this. I feel like I was being too hopeful at the situation, my hope of having a real relationship is too high. Please give me some advice on this!! Thank you!!April 5, 2017 at 1:40 pm #616992
Been there Done that
It isn’t that he doesn’t like you enough to give this relationship a shot. It is that he is being practical and is telling you straight up that he won’t be able to do long distance. He wants his GF to be around which is understandable. You are right, if you end up going you will fall for him more and it will be hard for you. If I were you, I would forget about this man and save myself from future heart aches.
You could take a risk by going and hoping that he ay change his mind regarding the LDR but the chances are low and even if he does he might get frustrated and would breakup later on.
You haven’t gotten attached to him yet so I would say save yourself from a heart ache right now than to just go and enjoy.April 5, 2017 at 1:42 pm #616993
Most men don’t do long distance, for the very reasons he mentioned. Men have to be able to spend lots of time with their woman in person.
so if you can’t handle another casual hook up, I would cancel Seattle.
At least he is being honest.
I have to ask, but why would you meet a man online on a different country? Did you just want company? Or a hook up? Because most men who meet women that don’t live where they do are rarely looking for a relationship with you. At least not a serious one,
Men do just fine with casual, and seeing someone who doesn’t live close by makes it easy, since after he is done, you go home and he doesn’t have to keep seeing you.April 5, 2017 at 2:12 pm #617008
Thank you for your feedback. I guess I should be more rational then…I need to force myself to =(
@ SAM, my friend suggested to go on and see what’s out there in NYC so I tried it. I didn’t intend to find a bf or a hook up at all, just happened…April 5, 2017 at 2:29 pm #617013
He told you straight. Cancel the trip. It will most likely hurt you a lot if he comes there. You will be secretly hoping he will change his mind and 99% chance he will not. Chalk it up to experience. You had a little fling. That’s all.April 5, 2017 at 2:47 pm #617019
He’s dating in NYC…far more women per man than in any part of the country. If you met in a dating app, he’s met 100 more he has connected with just based on being here alone. It makes sense that he would not be in a long distance relationship unless he was much older, mature enough to pass on all the women to date here, and/or had already been divorced. I would not continue with the trip.April 5, 2017 at 2:53 pm #617023
Thank you ladies!!
@Elena, he is 11 years older than me and was divorced like 6 years ago. Don’t know if that makes a difference.
My heart is leaning towards going…but your feedback is all at my best interest..I know.. It’s so hard to let one go when I feel so connected with him ='(April 5, 2017 at 2:58 pm #617027
You’ve known him for how long?April 5, 2017 at 2:58 pm #617028
You are NOT connected. That is what he is openly saying to you.
He only sees you as a fling.
It takes two people to be connected. This man may have said all the right words while he had his way with you, but now he is saying don’t expect anything else out of this. So he isn’t connected to you. He enjoys your company casually, but not enough to want to take things further.
Please wake up and understand that you are not connected. That is all in your head.April 5, 2017 at 3:10 pm #617035
I say go for it..
the alternative is staying home…you have absolutely nothing to lose..that is, if you keep your expectations low.
If you don’t go, you’ll probably end up kicking yourself.
Again, just keep your expectations low, and focus on having a damn good time. Nothing else. Enjoy the moment…don’t think about the ‘future’
You never know…if he has a great time…he might think twice about pursuing a long distance romance.
But if you don’t go…he’s gone for good.
Have fun!April 5, 2017 at 3:11 pm #617037
Again, another LDR delusion. Why oh why are you so willing to create emotional trouble for yourself? You met him how many times? LET IT GO and focus on something real. Do not waste your time, emotions, create heartbreak, etc.April 5, 2017 at 3:13 pm #617039
I am so annoyed at all this “oh it is so hard so hard”. What is so hard? you starving? There are other men, refocus your attention. The connection you are tlaking about is in your head as an illusion, you don’t know this person.April 5, 2017 at 3:23 pm #617043
Hun, you’re already feeling connected with a guy you hardly know.
He’s 11 years older than you.,,that is a yellow flag. If he were not LD then maybe you could give it a shot…
I agree with Nat…let him go.April 5, 2017 at 3:30 pm #617047
Been there Done that
I met my ex and I had a great connection with him… everything was lala land and then I realized he is a playboy and loves getting attention and giving attention to opposite sex so much so that he was talking to them on continuous basis. Now he was perfect in every way. Sex was awesome, there was a realllll connection, he cooks so coming home was amazing, he cleaned, he rubbed my feet but hey he was a womanizer. Now what am I going to do with that connection? when I first met him I thought the same thing real connection never felt this way after sometime I realized fu*k real connection the guy has to be a real man.
The reason i am telling you all this is because we think we have a real connection and jump in the well thinking there might be water but realize later on there’s not even a drop, but unfortunately it is too late and we are already attached.
I know you are going to go, and I know this guy might stick around for a bit till he finds another real connection closer to himself and you will be left alone to be on this forum.April 5, 2017 at 5:06 pm #617061
11 years older makes me assume he’s in his late 30s to late 40s. I think what you have is a man in prime age in a prime dating pool. I would trust what he says about not wanting a relationship. Maybe he will decide later that he wants a long distance relationship, but it seems more likely this is a fun fling for him and he’s happy to continue as long as things never get serious. Not uncommon in the city. In fact, it’s way too common, especially if he has a more high powered career. I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t like you. He just lives in a very easy place to find local people to date.April 5, 2017 at 5:22 pm #617063
It has nothing to do with age. It has to do with listening when a man tells you this isn’t ever going anywhere.April 5, 2017 at 5:49 pm #617065
@ Raven, we met like 2 days…i know this sounds ridiculous..there’s no way I should feel this way..if we are in the same city we will be great..and I just don’t know if I can meet someone with such connection again
@ Crisula, thank you for being supportive. You’re the only one that tells me I should go. I know i’d need to adjust my attitude. I should expect that that would be the last time we see each other.
Thank you all for your responses, I feel better with your support. I know the majority of you are telling me I shouldn’t go. My heart wants to go..I’m thinking of going but I need to adjust my mentality and really need to expect that it would be the last time I see him. I’d be sad either way (go or not). I just need to remind myself that this is casual and will not go anywhere…wish me luck..I’m never a rational being in terms of love…April 5, 2017 at 6:10 pm #617067
Like most women you ask a question and then do what you want anyway.
This guy says no future, he has no connection,
Crazy you says otherwise and just have to see him again.
Let us know w it works out.April 5, 2017 at 6:16 pm #617069
Dina, yes I guess I was seeking some support and obviously my heart is leading me to the wrong way when the majority tells me not to go!!! Honestly if you’re me would you go?April 5, 2017 at 6:42 pm #617072
Let me ask you a question. What result do you see out of going? What result do you see if you do not go?
If you go and he says, “Hey, this is just for today, tomorrow I will be on with my life and I will not do long distance.” can you take that?
If you do not go and wonder what would have happened can you not go?
He has told you straight out this is not going anywhere, do you not believe him? Can you live with that?
Those are the questions you have to ask yourself and then make a decision.April 5, 2017 at 7:53 pm #617085
I’d rather try and fail, than never try at allApril 5, 2017 at 8:57 pm #617098
Sometimes the journey is needed for self growth.April 6, 2017 at 12:26 am #617125
Crisula how about trying with a guy that lives near her? Then she still tries, and has a far lower chance of failing!April 6, 2017 at 12:34 am #617127
Jesus H. Crispy! It must be a full moon…April 6, 2017 at 1:05 am #617129
The way I look at is.. if she is young, without children, and she has a special connection with this guy..why not just go?
She should just enjoy herself, have fun and not hope for anything more.
Who knows what will happen? Maybe he’ll have a change of heart, if he finds that he enjoyed his time with her…
Not everything is black and white.
I lived with my husband before I got married…everybody says that a guy won’t marry a live in gf….and yeah..most of the time they don’t..
Got engaged….went away on holiday..
I got pregnant by accident
Everybody thought it was doomed, just because we didn’t follow the ‘script’ and the odds were against us.
We’ve been married for 19 years with 3 kids.
We beat the odds..it CAN work out..if you’re compatible, and it’s meant to be..
You go after something if it feels right…follow your heart, and you just might win.
If Sandy stays home.. there’s no chance of winning at all