This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by G NY 4 weeks ago.
March 21, 2018 at 11:31 pm #694034
Hey – it’s my first time here and I’m a complicated situation so I’ll probably write a lot here, sorry about that.
About almost a year ago, I’ve met this guy on Tinder. At the time I wasn’t really interested even though he was certainly my type of guy, like, he is older, smart, handsome and everything I’ve always liked in a guy. But even though I wasn’t that interested, he seemed pretty ”into” me so he would always text first and everything and I ended up going out with him.
After that and because later I found out how compatible our kinks and sexual fantasies were, I became really interested in him, but deep down I always knew that he wasn’t truly interested in me, like, he was probably a bit of a player, he’s instagram was always full of girls and stuff like that, and also he was always hot and cold, like, after that we started kind of a FWB relationship, but at the same time it was LDR because he’s from New York and I live in San Diego (he has some business here so he travels pretty often and that’s why I met him because he was in town that time).
I was basically like, a booty call for when he was here in San Diego. I tried to like, keep in touch with him but I was always the one texting first and making an effort and sometimes he would act really interested and other times he would just ignore me. I’m the sort of person that craves affection so I’ll admit that sometimes I got a little bit needy, even though I knew what type of guy he is, however, I didn’t want him to be my boyfriend or something because when I met him I was recently out of a relationship and I didn’t really want a rebound or anything like that. But as sometimes that craves affection and kind of likes attention I would sometimes act needy and at first he would always try to keep me even when I did that.
So, at the time my mindset was like ”it’s fine if you’re hooking up and flirting with other girls as long as you give me some attention and flirt with me to, and ask me out and things like that” but he wouldn’t, like, he would only talk to me when it was convenient for him. And I know, I know, I was pretty dumb to gent involved in that, but one day I just decided that I wouldn’t settle for that because he was not giving me what I wanted so we ended up fighting and I deleted his number, unfollowed him on instagram (a few days later he unfollowed me back) and that was it. But then a couple weeks later I get a text from him (but he never started to follow me back tho) so we start talking again and I go out with him a few more times, things were kind of like before, except this time he was even more hot and cold.
Since he was acting really hot and cold all the time I wasn’t texting him that often, but then on a Monday I casually texted him about something that reminded me of him (I think it was something about Baked Bear, an ice cream place here in San Diego that we went on a date with) and he was super nice to me, we chatted it really good so I think the next day or so I texted him again and he only replied with ”I’m tired” and that’s the last thing I’ve heard from him because after that he completely ghosted me.
That was like almost a year ago, but I’ve seen him around a couple times here in the past few weeks, so I know he’s in town. My dilemma here, my friends is, should I try texting him after he ghosted me? I’m just looking for a casual hookup, he showed me his true colors and I don’t want anything serious with him, but we had amazing sexual chemistry.March 22, 2018 at 12:13 am #694038
Find someone you have amazing sexual chemistry with who actually will treat you with respect. That should be your baseline, even for something casual.
I believe seeing him again would be very self destructive. Do you think you are a self destrutive person?March 22, 2018 at 12:35 am #694041
Short answer = No, don’t contact him, leave him be…
Longer answer = Go back, re-read what you wrote… You’re still wanting more.March 22, 2018 at 1:25 am #694044
Wow, you sound really needy with very low self esteem. Stop embarrassing yourself with this guy and later find a nice guy in your own town who would treat you better. Maybe you need therapy. Anyone chasing a guy who isn’t interested needs to know why one would stoop to that level.March 22, 2018 at 4:05 am #694056
The situation is not complicated at all. You chase a guy that is not interested. Do not contact him, because it is not worth it. There are other people you can have great sex with.March 22, 2018 at 4:26 am #694066
Time to make the space he takes up in your brain as little as possible.March 22, 2018 at 6:43 am #694077
Thanks for the advice everybody, to answer some of you, yes, I have low self esteem and lack of confidence which can lead to a self-destructive behavior, I’ve been working on these issues with therapy. You all said that I should date guys that will treat me better and that are around me and I did that, still doing it casually btw. But I don’t know, what makes me still so attracted to this guy is the sexual factor, like, I’ve went out with guy that were sweeter, nicer and everything, I just keep comparing them to him because I’ve never had that chemistry in bed with anyone, only him. Also, special thanks to @Algo for making me laugh LOL.March 22, 2018 at 7:20 am #694078
I didn’t read all your quandary – but I say, No.
Work on yourself and leave this alone.
Be honest about your wants, be honest with yourself and go for what you really want.
If you’re not sure what that is, then spend time working it out.
You owe it to yourself.March 22, 2018 at 7:57 am #694082
T from NY
I know it feels like the best sex and attraction ever. But that’s just because this man triggers in you deep seated emotional struggles you can only continue to work through with your therapist and be VERY intentional about changing. I would challenge you to understand that part of the chemistry, allure, draw you have to this guy IS his emotional unavailability. The push pull and the tension that creates. I’ve been there so understand. We are drawn to these types of men when we have low self esteem because them being less interested and not fully available to us emotionally feels like a challenge. And each time they respond to us positively — it gives a thrill or ‘reward’ that we ‘won’ their affection. Then when they start blowing cold again (because they always do, because they are not interested in anything real with us) it reconfirms how we feel about ourselves (bad, not worthy) and so we start working to win their affection (approval, validation) again.
The cycle will continue to repeat itself until you make a choice to break it. Feelings lie. Feelings can be misleading. You have to re-condition in your head your attraction to this guy. Your heart and body will then follow. For instance — there was a guy I really liked. We dated for a couple of months but then he didn’t want to make it exclusive (due to us living far apart yada yada) Anyway I REALLY liked him. And so saw him a casually a couple of times after we agreed we weren’t dating only because I’m so picky and rarely feel drawn to someone… But then he would get distant and only chat me up on his terms. So I ended it by blocking him. It was VERY hard because I liked him so much. Because it did not matter how many times I told him not to contact me, he would find an excuse. And I was VERY attracted to him so I would see him, then feel sad for days after.
SCREW THAT. It only happened twice and then I learned. Every time I would think about him I would repeat this mantra in my head — He doesn’t want to date you. He doesn’t want to invest in you. You need to repeat (every time you miss him. every time you see him. over and over) — He disappears on me. He is not responsive to me. He is NOT good for me.
I now date very differently. If a man acts the least bit flippant of my feelings or has any flags of emotional unavailability I get the hell out. Once you figure out why you’re so attracted to men like that you’ll be able to leave yourself open to a man who doesn’t wanna run away and find true peace in being alone in the mean time. It’s bliss.March 22, 2018 at 2:08 pm #694130
Thank you so much, T from NY.
I can relate so much to everything that you said and your advice was probably what I needed to hear/read the most. Thanks a lot.March 22, 2018 at 3:00 pm #694141
Thank you T! I’m going through that right now. SO attached to the guy who decided it won’t work due to distance, but still keeps flirting with me sporadically on social media. (which I completely ignore) I know he’s seeing other women (one posted about it on his page) and yet for some reason I cannot stop thinking about him. I will repeat the mantras you mentioned above. I will not settle for crumbs.March 22, 2018 at 4:23 pm #694151
It’s a big fat NO from me too!! I agree with everything T from NY wrote here! I did the same type thing. I found a list on the internet and had it on my phone and read it every time I wanted to text or reach out to him. Here is the original list. I didn’t write this myself and wish I knew who to give credit to. I modified it and added to it a little, but the concept is the same. Personalize it however you want.
Reasons why I should let you go
1. You treat me like I mean nothing to you.
2. You choose other people, work, the gym, over me every time.
3. You change your mind about me quickly.
4. You have no time for me and don’t make me a priority.
5. You push me away.
6. You hurt me and make me cry.
7. You never know what you want, some days you’re hot, some days you’re cold.
8. You can go weeks and months without contacting me/seeing me.
9. You won’t give me a commitment, a relationship…you’re emotionally unavailable
10. And I’m tired of letting you hurt me.March 22, 2018 at 4:25 pm #694153
T from NY gave great advice. The key here, is she worked on her boundaries, self-esteem, and self love.
That is why she doesn’t tolerate this kind of stuff anymore. Sometimes, that means you need to put dating on the back burner until you sort yourself out and get stronger.
Dating with low self esteem is always going to be a very bad idea. You have to love you- before you can attract, find, and keep anyone else who is emotionally healthy.
If you date without proper self worth, you will attract losers who only want to use you, and who will only reinforce all the negative stories (lies) your mind is already feeding you.March 22, 2018 at 5:37 pm #694175
No, I don’t care how great the sex and chemistry is he ghosted on you.
Which means things weren’t all that great for him.
Don’t give people like this another moment of your time.March 22, 2018 at 10:57 pm #694209
I am with everyone on this one. Learn to say NO to your own lowly urges. LOL
Besides if sex was THAT amazing he wouldn’t have been avoiding and ghosting you. LOL sorry. You felt this way, but he felt differently. Feelings do lie to us. They lie about what the other person might be feeling.
But I don’t think you can just work on your self esteem from July to September and then start dating again. It is a long long process. Can take years or decades. But what you can do right away is recognize the situation and get out of it right away. You might still feel attracted to men who treat you poorly, you might still want to contact them, and this is where the self esteem work comes in, but by not letting yourself give in to your desires, by not actually doing that, you gradually train your person to have more self appreciation and self respect.March 23, 2018 at 10:18 am #694257
@kaye Thank you so much for your great advice! This list will be very useful to me.
Everyone, thanks a lot! I’m really looking at things from a different point of view now, you’ve all helped so much, thank you for your advice. xxMarch 23, 2018 at 12:28 pm #694262
Contact him again, if you like being humiliated and spit on.March 23, 2018 at 12:50 pm #694265
I think you’ve already got your answer, but a resounding no! Don’t let someone make you feel like you’re going insane or constantly doubt yourself, you’re worth more than that. There’s loads of articles on here on moving on from this sort of thing including the no contact rule (totally remove this person from your life, like.. every remnant..) and also working on yourself etc. You definitely deserve better missy! Don’t doubt that. It’s not even the way he’s treating you as a “date”, but you wouldn’t treat another HUMAN being the way he treated you. Even if it was casual sex. So don’t go back to him, treat yourself like your own best friend and remind yourself you deserve better <3