Should I leave him?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Should I leave him?

  • This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 4 years ago by Newbie.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #786740 Reply
    Hannah

    I feel like I need some advice at this point (and apologies for spelling mistakes, I’m not a native English speaker). So we’ve been together for 2.5 years, engaged for 7 months. We’re both around 30 years old. I love him, and I know he loves me. I wouldn’t want to leave him but I feel like I have to choose between him and where I want to live. I feel trapped. We live in his home town. Small town and narrow minded people. Haven’t made any friends here (although I have made some friends in the capital that’s about 2 hours trip away). I’m also not a huge fan of this country. Weather is miserable most of the time. I prefer sunshine and friendly people.

    Trust me I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried to make friends through an app, but people don’t seem too eager to make friends with a foreigner. Well, I get it. I’m different. I have an accent. And in general there seems to be low key hostility towards immigrants in this small town. I’ve never experienced anything like anywhere else, and people have been nice to me in the capital. The problem is, he can’t move right now. He could maybe move to the nearest small town within 2 to 4 years. I want to live in a city, he doesn’t like cities. It is uncertain whether we could ever live in a city. That depends on me. I’d need to get a well paying job for us to be able to move to a city. I’d need to do doctorate, but i probably can’t afford it. So it seems very uncertain.

    And on top of all this.. we’ve been fighting a lot recently. It is making me want to move away. All of this has made me feel a bit depressed, and I feel like no matter what I do, things are only getting worse. We’ve been fighting because as he is my only friend in this small town, so I don’t really have many people to talk to, and as I’ve been feeling depressed, he feels like I’ve complained too much. And he doesn’t see it as complaining. For example, today I was complaining about how difficult it is to make friends with locals here. He sees it as an attack towards his friends and family (they already have their friends and they’re not open to making new friends).. And he feels insulted. It isn’t my intention. I’m just hurting. And lonely. And now I feel like he doesn’t even understand my feelings. I talk about these things because I’d just like a little bit of support from him.

    If I’m being honest, I’m starting to feel like my mental health is seriously starting to suffer here. I keep dreaming about city life, friendly people and sunshine. I wish I could just move and take him with me.. but even if I could, I’m not sure he would ever be fully happy in a city. He has tried living in a small city, but he didn’t like it and after he broke up with his ex he moved straight back to this small town he’s from.

    Any ideas? What should I do? Please be nice, I’m already hurting enough.

    #786741 Reply
    Anon

    I don’t think you should get married right now. I also think you should own your feelings and attitudes- no one makes someone feel this way, you are in control of your feelings and thoughts and what to do about them.

    In terms of communicating with your bf, I would say- I’m unhappy living here because I don’t have friends and I’m putting all of this sadness on you. I am sorry I am doing this and I know I’m doing this because I am lonely. That might open up the lines of real communication.

    Love and relationships are about compromising to make the partnership work. It looks like you two are moving in 2 directions away from each other and it might be a good idea to separate from him. Go live in the city and live your life. Maybe he will eventually join you or maybe he won’t. You have one life- live it the way you want.

    #786742 Reply
    Raven

    Sounds like you two are incompatible…

    #786743 Reply
    Newbie

    Even in small towns there are open minded people, but you have to be open yourself to give it a go. Bring your family cookies to a bbq, invite your neighbours over for drinks, go do a class, do things with your collegues. The options are endless. So you do seem to have a negative attitude about it. But when it comes to the country and the vibe it gives you. Its really hard to adjust if its not your culture. Its also why i decided not to marry and move to the usa. The people in the area where my man lives i consider retarded and clueless when it comes to world perspectives. All they do is watch fox news and blab about how awefull democrats are. Well im beyond a democrat. Im closer to a socialist haha. But if had settled there, im sure i would have found some kindred spirits. Its just that i didnt want to. So, when it comes to you, you have the same choice to make. Except you also have to decide if you want to start a family. I agree with your bf, its unfair to him to complain to him all the time about things he had no control over. But you have to decide on the bigger picture. Stay or go back/move on

    #786744 Reply
    Peggy

    Hi Hannah-do not get married,at least for now. I think this is a lifestyle issue and the two of you are not compatible in that regard. I know couples with this problem and they got divorced over it.
    He does not seem to be helping and supporting you and you have “given up” on the place you are. I really think you should move to that city and see if you are happier there. Maybe just agree the two of you will date long distance with visits or take a break altogether for say 3 months and then discuss where both of you “are at”. I honestly think this will be a dealbreaker. Good luck!

    #786745 Reply
    T from NY

    I am more inclined to understand how you feel. I am not from another country but I live in a mid-size city with nearest family 10 hours away! And we have the least amount of sunlight behind Seattle,Washington. It can be incredibly challenging. The reason I’m here for the moment is I have a great career and my kids go to college in this state. I understand that I can exact change eventually and I am considering all my options. But I completely understand where you’re coming from. It is NOT easy to make friends as an adult. Where I live people have been living here their whole lives with friends from childhood, partners and family members. I had a group of female friends I had spent crazy amounts of time with for 5 years and I thought I was all set with a support system. But when my sister recently was killed — guess who completely abandoned me? I thought these friends were my friend-family – turns out only one woman stuck by me in my grief.

    My point is – I hear you. It is not easy when you have zero roots in an area to make deep, lasting friendships. Bringing cookies to a function or working out together or drinking wine is not the same as meaningful connections. And if you’re not living in an area that has a bunch of transplants, people who are also seeking community – it can be very emotionally isolating. People who aren’t in your shoes do not understand the depth of the loneliness. I am active, social, involved civically in my town, am open and independent and I am — mostly alone where I live. I have accepted it, and for the most part am enjoying this stage of solitude in my life. I feel deeply peaceful. At the same time, I hope for something different someday.

    My advice to you is not to settle. If you are feeling this way now — it will be compounded if you buy a house, find a job or get married in that small place. Sunshine is ABSOLUTELY something to consider as I can’t imagine how different my life would be with more of it. City life vs small town IS incredibly different. I am not telling you to walk away from a loving man – but I also believe in advocating for YOU first. If there is no compromise to be had with your bf, then I do not think you are compatible long term.

    #786807 Reply
    Bella

    Hi Hannah, I like your story and i’m sorry that you’ve been through this for so long. If you think you cant change the environment, then you are the only person who can change this situation. Being a foreigner is okay, knowing another language is your strength, Living in a brand new area is a fresh start to begin your journey. It’s okay they may look unfriendly but that simply means they dont know you. Trust me, they are keen to get to know you, no one is your enermy, but you’ll have to step up first. You could maybe do volunteering, teach another language, say hi to your neighbors, cook together, etc. It’s better to start from your neighbors, because they live close to you and easier to build a connection with. Be strong, read books, go hiking, be confident, dont give up, keep trying, and remember you are special. We are all humans no one would like to keep you as an enermy. Keep yourself busy, and everything else would get better. Everyone would go through thos stage, move away, get into a new work place, go to a new college…. you just need to step up first and make friends

    #786855 Reply
    Hannah

    Newbie
    How am I not open minded? I’m happy to be friends with pretty much anyone, and I like meeting people from all over the world. I have tried to make friends with my partner’s friends. I have organised house parties, invited them to our place. I have asked them to have a coffee with me. But none of them has ever sent me a message first, or asked me if I wanted to do something with them. They have not put any effort in getting to know me. This is a small town where friends are made in kindergarten. Of course people make friends later on as well, but probably less than in school. Very few people move to this small town, and very few people move away. Even if they do move away, they move like 20 min drive away to a small village. So I think the best way to meet people might be through an app, where people are actually actively looking for friends. I am still active in this app today. I’m still trying to make friends. I haven’t given up, but after 2 years I’m starting to lose hope.

    Peggy
    Yeah I forgot to mention, we’re not planning a wedding. I know it’s not wise to get married at the moment. Thank you, I can imagine this can be a dealbreaker.. I’ll just have to think about it.

    T from NY
    Thank you for understanding, it means a lot. Yes, people have lived here their whole lives, their mothers were friends in school etc. People even have their grandparents from this small town! I’m so sorry to hear about your sister, I wish there was something I could do to help you. That is horrible, I don’t understand why people who have been close to us choose to leave us when we need them. I can only imagine what you’ve been going through.. I wish you all the best in your life.

    Bella,
    Thank you for your kind words, they give me hope. Yes, I’ve been thinking volunteering would be nice. I actually contacted a charity, but they never got back to me. I’m a bit limited with the opportunities though as I don’t drive and the buses are hopeless in this small town. But I’ll try and see if I can find something. I’m starting to think moving might be the best option..

    #786879 Reply
    T from NY

    Please no worries! I have definitely been visited with tragedy but I am doing extremely well now. I have cultivated self-reliance and enough of a support group to get me through. I wish the best for you. And I know it is very easy for all of us to give opinions (myself included) but until a person has lived in a city with no family, no roots whatsoever, for years – they just cannot understand. I don’t even think people know that they act as inclusive as they do. It’s just their life and they’re living it with lots of people around them, as well as cushioning from their past. Making friends on the surface is rather easy to do – but building family and community for times of REAL life biz is a completely different thing, and I believe you should be realistic in considering that when contemplating your long term plans.

    #787201 Reply
    Hannah

    T from NY,
    Ok that’s good to hear. I’ve lost many people, and although I still miss them, I still have memories, and I’m grateful for the time I got to spend with them.

    Yeah, to be honest I don’t think I really even know how it is to have really good friends. I had close friends in school, but I have moved a lot since. And every time I have moved I’ve also lost a few friends and the friendships have become more superficial. But I’ve always managed to make friends in new places, except for here. But I also haven’t ever moved to a small town before. I’m starting to think my mentality is just very different from other people’s mentality here. People here like what they know and they’re a bit afraid of any changes. I’ve moved so many times I barely even remember what that safety feels like. And I also like going to places, doing new things etc (everything people in this small town don’t like). I just have a feeling that I don’t belong here. I guess I just need to move..

    #787217 Reply
    Shoshannah

    I understand where you’re coming from too. I’ve never lived in a small town, but, in general, I like big cities. My ex boyfriend tried to build a life for us in a small town and, whereas initially I was trying to compromise, it was one of the things that led to a break up. I think this difference between you and your partner reveals some fundamental incompatibility – it’s not just about a decision where to live. A preference for a small home town with his family and friends from the kindergarten vs. big cities, trying new things, meeting new people – all of this shows a difference in basic values and personality traits. So, if his not open to the idea of moving with you, you might have to consider breaking up.

    #787468 Reply
    Newbie

    I actually was born in a small community and been in a couple past decade so i wasnt talking from my as/s. It was after my university degree that i went back to my birthplace to organise some weird exhibition there and i learned there are odd ducks in every community and sometimes the smaller the crazier. And i got along great with them. So my birthtown consisted mostly of my while ancestors plus a few 1000 more and my ancestors started a big hospital for mentally retarded as they were called back then. 100”s of them and they were fully accepted. So thats what i meant with being open: look for the odd ducks. They are there 100% guaranteed. Plus your fiancee is supposed to be your best friend now.
    When it comes to actual preferences, im like you. I like multi cultural, art scene, groovy. Thats why i didnt emigrate to the usa, to that area. Try to work it out with your fiancee and then do what works for you. If you feel you would be miserable its not for you

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
Reply To: Should I leave him?
Your information:





<blockquote> <code> <pre> <em> <strong> <ul> <ol start=""> <li>