Should I even bother trying to get him back?


Home Forums How To Get My Ex Back Should I even bother trying to get him back?

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  • #351276 Reply
    marley

    I’m 40 and have been moved out of my ex boyfriends place for 2 months now. He’s 43 and recently divorced within the 2 years we were dating. He has 2 kids, his biological 12 yr old daughter and his 16 yr old step-daughter (his ex’s from her first marriage). His ex decided to end the marriage after 10 years (she started sniffing around other men). I imagine my ex was devastated, but he acts now like she never existed and says he doesn’t even think about her. He had also recently lost his dad to cancer a few months before we started dating.

    He asked me to move in with him and his 2 girls after 11 months of dating and his ex had only just moved out about 8 months earlier. I told him that I thought it was too soon and that he needed time. He disagreed and said he’s moved on and doesn’t want to date and doesn’t want to lose me. I moved in with him and his 2 girls after 11 months of dating but I was hesitant as I’ve never been married or had kids. I was never good with kids and wasn’t sure I wanted any but I wasn’t discounting it.

    I’ve never felt this way about any guy and I’ve been in a couple serious relationships with nice guys. I adore him. There’s a spark there and we get along so well, but we’ve had a lot of problems with his “baggage” and my lack of confidence and we’ve had communication issues.
    We started arguing often after about 5 or 6 months of living together. I didn’t know what my role was with the kids, so I would start giving my ex a hard time because they were lazy, and they would argue back with him. I was trying to support him by telling him how they should be acting towards him and being respectful girls, but it backfired and it pushed him further and further away. He felt I was insulting his role as a father, but I think he’s wonderful. But I kept pushing him away with my insecurities and neediness and selfishness. I can see now that I should have just “been there for him and the girls” but I was confused. He was confused also. He just thought I would just move in and we would all get along. But we have different ideas on parenting, but it was hard for me to sit and watch the girls walk all over him. And instead of us communicating, we took our differences out on each other.
    We kept arguing about little things with the girls, and he finally had had enough and broke up with me a few weeks after our 2 year anniversary. He had tried to break up before that just before Christmas, but I convinced him that I would try and “chill out”. I didn’t, and he felt he was being pulled too many different directions, so he ended it a month later. I get it now – all the stress he was going through.
    The thing is, after he broke up with me, and I said that I should probably move out (he didn’t disagree), we still hung out and went out and drank wine and watched movies and laughed and had a good time together and flirted all the time. Even once, we were intimate. He said he was still attracted to me but he was afraid to fall back in to our old way. When He told his girls that we were breaking up, he said that didn’t mean that we wouldn’t get back together. So it sounded like he left it open. After I asked him if he thought there was a chance for us down the road, he would agree but he said he needs time and needs to be alone. I get that as he never really had that time but now I don’t know what to think. I have so much guilt for how much pressure he was under and I’ve told him that and he stated that we both were at-fault.
    He came by my new place about once a week after I moved out to help out with handy-man stuff, but we kept it casual with a bit of innocent flirting.
    I have never contacted him after I moved out, I left it up to him as I want to give him space, but I’m confused as I can’t live like this. I still love him and think he’s amazing and a great dad but there’s still baggage and issues. He gives me mixed signals but he’s not talking about getting back together. I don’t know if I should just leave things and move on (I hate the thought) or try and get him back. But I feel that if I am the one to make the move, it’s not right. If he really wanted me back, shouldn’t I leave that up to him?

    #351279 Reply
    Lane

    Waiting for a man to “come around” is not a good life strategy or plan. You need to grieve the loss of this relationship for what it WAS, not the earlier good times which is what we hold onto even when we’re miserable and unhappy. I’ve walked in these shoes and its best to put a new pair on and get stepping towards a better future.

    Focus on YOU NOW because I believe you may have adopted some co-dependency traits you didn’t even realize you had and very common trap for women to fall into—I define it as trying to create order out of disorder. Instead of being a supportive girlfriend you became a fixer and over-compensator by trying to fill a role where you had no legal authority. It was a tough position for HIM to put you in, but at least you found out now instead of struggling and continually yearning for him to support you when he’s not capable of such—probably why his ex left as men don’t change their spots.

    I’m truly sorry it happened this way, but you need to accept its over and really try to move forward towards a better future :-)

    #351283 Reply
    buttercup

    I can tell you right now you will never win when your a step parent telling a biological parent that their kids should be doing this and doing that! Especially when not are not a parent yourself.

    The number of friends I know who have these issues, plus my sister who has a stepson, and above all myself who was a biological parent with a husband of no children.

    A long time ago someone told me that the trouble with step parents is they end up behaving like children themselves. They snitch to the parent ‘they did this, they did that, they pulled a face at me, they said this to me’. Parents get enough of this from the kids without having another adult joining in.

    My ex husband nit picked at everything my children did. If it was justified I didn’t mind. More often than not they were just being kids but he saw it as bad and disrespectful behaviour.

    You have to remember at home is where kids push boundaries. More often than not they are very polite and respectful to others outside the home. This way you know you’ve brought them up to know right from wrong. In the home is where they learn to stand up for themselves, to express themselves. Yes, some completely over step the mark and are out of order and need to be put in their place. But that is the parents job. Not the step parents. He just wants you to be there for him. Not to raise his children. My ex husbands nit picking and nagging dragged my daughter down so much that she ended up with depression aged 11 and placed under the mental health act.

    I hoped once I’d given birth to his children he would chill out on mine. But he got worse! His kids could do no wrong. Yet mine, in his eyes were the enemy! I used to say time and time again ‘they are just doing what kids do, and your two will grow up and do the same. They will answer you back, sometimes reject you, and disrespect you’. But no, he wouldn’t have it. Nearly 10 years on, my two youngest kids are so much harder than my older two ever were. They are selfish, disrespectful, badly behaved because he over compensated on spoiling them. And he gets so much more disrespect and rejection from them than he ever got from his step children. And he will admit that now!

    The more my ex husband moaned about my children, the more I pushed him away, the more I pushed him away the more he moaned about my children. So I pushed him away even more. I couldn’t even bare to look at him or touch him in the end. A step parent criticizing the children will not warm the biological parent more towards them. They will always pull more towards their children!

    The day my ex husband moved out my older kids breathed a sigh of relief and said thank god we can relax now. We dont have to watch and think about everything we say or do before we say or do it.

    Within a week the atmosphere in my home was completely different.

    4 years on I’m really struggling with my younger children. Yet my older kids are so well behaved. My ex husband is now in my position where his son does not get on with his new partner. Only last week he said hearing her nit picking his kids is like listening to himself 5yrs ago. Our son no longer wants to visit his dad because of her. My ex feels so guilty he still regularly apologises to my older kids for the way he nagged them.

    I would never have him back. The way he became towards my kids turned me right off him.

    If you wanted to win your man back I think you’d really have your work cut out! He will not want to put himself or his kids through that again. (I’m assuming he had his step child from a very young age and treats her as his own?).

    I am now with a man with 2 children. I will not tell his kids off, and he will not tell mine off. Yes, we will say things, like ‘can you ask nicely’ or remind them of their please and thank you’s, but any real discipline is left to the biological parent. And I’m careful of the tone in which I say things. My ex always used negative tone of voice and the rolling of the eyes with my kids.

    You need to prove you can do this. Let him rear his kids. You just be his support. His pleasure. His nice thing in life. Outside of his role as a parent!

    #351284 Reply
    buttercup

    I just want to add

    Being a step parent is a big role to take on. And a hard one at that!

    You can either do it or you cant. If you cant then make a conscious choice NOT to date men with children.

    #351296 Reply
    Harley

    Great post Buttercup.. I had the same issues.. never again !

    Marley.. I would let him contact,…. do NOT be strung along and become a booty call/FWB.

    USE this time to think how you would change things going forward..IF you get the chance… learn to communicatte.. read some books on this !.. I need lots of paractice on this muyself !

    YOU and HE will have to prove yourselves over time.. an uphill battle as B says. NOT easy, but DO-able .. IF BOTH partners want it to work.

    #351403 Reply
    buttercup

    Yes, it is doable, with lots of time patience and understanding. Have you made any decisions yet?

    #351567 Reply
    marley

    Thank you for the comments. I’m still hopeful I guess. The hard part was that he is very independent, not sure if that was created from his wife leaving him or if he was always like that. But maybe I felt like I wanted to be part of the family so I thought I should be involved in the rules and such of the house because I was never included as I was just expected to fit in. I just want to say that I wasn’t demanding and yelling at the kids, I would try and be discreet and put it more on my ex for him to deal with it. Not the best I know, but I didn’t know how to be firm without sounding like the bitchy girlfriend.
    Last year the girls moved out to try and live with their mom for the school year and they both came back to live with him/us before the end of the first semester. But when his biological 11 year old daughter came back, he didn’t discuss it with me. It all happened in one day while I was at work. The daughter called and his ex called and the daughter was crying wanting to come home. So my ex drove with his mom to pick up his little girl and when I got home from work, they were standing at the door with their bags saying that she was moving back in. I was caught off guard and asked to speak to my ex privately and I asked him what was going on. He said that he texted me telling me the situation, but I never got the text. I asked why he didn’t call me and tell me, he said that he figured I wouldn’t be cool with it. Which hurt because it made me realize that I was putting pressure on him and probably the kids without knowing it. I wouldn’t have said no, but I just wanted to be included. But he’s used to doing everything and being Mr. Mom and I didn’t know where to fit in.
    Anyway, I would never be a booty call or FWB. I only did that the one time when we were still living together at the end. He knows that I want more and I won’t do that again. But he was still doing sweet things for me after we were broken up and living together and even when I moved out. He was offering to come by all the time to help things around the house or whatever. He made all the contact. I’m trying to leave it to him. But the problem now is that I’m going away for the week and I asked him if he would mind watching my cat as his daughter loves my cat. Now, I have to contact him to arrange a time to drop off my cat (I leave in two days). He was totally cool with it, but is he just being a nice guy, or does he still care? I know I should move on, but it’s hard when there’s still a spark I think I can feel between us.

    #351569 Reply
    marley

    p.s. I don’t feel like it’s really my decision right now. When I moved out, he knew I still wanted to work on things and try reconnecting again down the road, but he didn’t know how much time he would need, so it was kind of left in his hands (wrong I know). So I’m trying to play it cool and lay low, but I want nothing more than for him to come back.
    Also, how do I avoid contact with him when he shows up at my door offering to help with “such and such”? Or he arranges to buy something off my dad on Father’s day when I’m at my parents house? That was a few weeks ago, I haven’t heard from him in a week but I have to contact him tomorrow to drop my cat off and before that it was two weeks before he text me. Sorry to keep rambling on…thanks.

    #351585 Reply
    buttercup

    My ex husband used to say he felt like an outsider in his own home. He used to say it was like me and the kids in a circle and him looking in from the outside.

    But he put himself on the outside, I always thought. He backed away, stayed upstairs, wouldn’t join in. I always felt he put himself there.

    Btw, he didn’t shout and demand. It was nagging, keeping on, nit picking. Comments about the way they ate, putting their feet on the sofa, washing their hands, opening the window in the car, having a hat on indoors etc etc etc. Whatever they did it had to involve a negative comment from him. They were just being normal kids to me.

    Its not easy being a step parent, or the biological parent bringing someone else into the child’s home. You want your partner to love your kids as much as you do. You know in your logical brain that no one loves them like the true parent. But when you feel like your partner has an issue with them, to me it was a horrible feeling.

    Whether he wants you back or not he has to put his kids first. He has no choice. May not even be what he wants but again they gotta come first regardless. As a parent you have to sometimes push your own feelings aside and suffer a broken heart to keep them happy and secure. Its not a nice place to be and it can feel very unfair.

    #353035 Reply
    marley

    I can appreciate that his kids are the most important thing, and he admitted that he will always put them first. And I can see how it would put stress on him and the kids by me disagreeing with some of the house rules and putting some nagging requests on his shoulders. I guess maybe it’s a control thing with me, I wanted to feel I had a place and really thought I was helping by making suggestions to help them be more tidy and responsible girls–but maybe I took it too far?
    Anyway, he still comes by once a week maybe to do things around the house for me or put shows on a usb stick for me (all things that I have never asked him to do – he offers). So it confuses me as I want him back and want him and the girls back in my life, but he has never had the talk with me about if there’s still a future between us since I moved out almost 3 months ago.
    How do I get him back, do I bring up the topic? I don’t want to pressure him, but it’s too hard for me to see him and not be able to hold him or be with him. I don’t know if he’s trying to do the “friend thing” or if he still thinks there’s a chance and is trying to take things slowly??

    #353058 Reply
    buttercup

    Why dont u just talk to him. Tell him you’ve had time to reflect, and realise where you went wrong. I wouldn’t advise moving back go, should you get back together. Not yet anyway. His girls need to feel comfortable with you and need to be in a place where they want you to move back in.

    I’ve been with my new man 18 months now. And I can see the look of dear in my daughters face if I mention him moving in. And she gets on great with him. She’s scared it would be the same as when her step dad moved in. Hence, I am not really in any hurry to move my fella in, as much as I want it.

    #353199 Reply
    marley

    Thanks Buttercup. I think I’m afraid to bring up the subject of him taking me back as I feel if he was really considering it or if he was missing me, wouldn’t he feel that already and be ready to talk about it and bring it up himself?? I don’t want to put pressure on him, but it’s so hard not knowing either. I feel as though it’s a catch 22.
    I feel awful that I made him and the girls feel so awkward with me living there. He even told me that he felt he was walking on eggshells with me sometimes but I still thought what I was doing was helpful. I agree that I need to create a bond with the girls first before there was any thought of me moving back in. I know we both need time and would need to take things slowly if that was the progression.
    I have mentioned about a month ago that I felt that being a part was a good move and for the best at the moment and we both need time, etc. and he agreed and he said he didn’t realize how many issues he was dealing with and he wondered if he was even a good boyfriend.
    I’m wondering if I should just give it like 30 days without any contact (like I said, I let him contact me first always) and see where things go from there??

    #353201 Reply
    Buzzy

    Hey Marley,

    Next time someone tries to convince you to do something like move in with them, or even have sex with them
    Because “they don’t want to lose you” and you think it is too soon, please listen to yourself. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WAITING especially if you don’t feel ready.

    #353498 Reply
    marely

    Thank you for your replies. I want to clarify that it wasn’t me that wasn’t ready, I didn’t feel that my ex was ready for a relationship at the beginning, but he assured me he was. And he didn’t try to kiss me until almost a month after we started dating and we didn’t have sex until about 3 months, so I was never pressured into anything. I was ready to move in with him after 11 months, but I don’t think I was ready for the situation that was about to come with it nor was he I think.

    #353526 Reply
    buttercup

    I dont think anyone is ready before hand or understands how difficult it is to move in with someone with children. You only learn this after!

    As much as I’d love to live with my fella now we choose not to. If he moved in with me and my kids he’d run within a month I reckon!its damn hard! We’ve both said, if no kids were around we’d have moved in months ago.

    My kids like him a lot, but would fear him moving in. I’m scared to go through what I went through with my ex husband. He’s scared he couldn’t cope living with it full time.

    #353531 Reply
    cc

    I wanted to say I appreciate the conversation here. I’m going thru the exact same thing. It’s good to see buttercup’s experience and advice. We are on the verge of breakup due to his older adult children taking advantage of him. He’s been divorced over 10 years and still talks to ex 3-4 times a week because of “issues” w kids. It would be great if it was a productive relationship that helped their kids, but they will betray each other all the time to team up with one of the kids. It’s like they are both desperately striving to win or even buy their kid’s love. The sad part is the kids know it, they say they don’t like it but seem to use it to their advantage.

    I thought I was supporting him, but after reading both your experiences I see I’ve been doing the exact same as Marley and pushing him away. I do love my man, not sure I can do the moving in thing. But, I have more compassion towards his situation. Thank you

    #353609 Reply
    marley

    Touche Buttercup! I just wish my ex would have been more understanding of how difficult it was for me being in that situation. At least you are conscious and not blind to the difficulties. That’s where I felt we had issues. My ex would ask me how long it was going to take before it got easier for me to deal with it, but to me, it was an daily lesson, one that we should have been learning together, but we weren’t. He just wanted me to go along with everything, every decision and just be okay with everything. I guess it was more of a struggle for me to feel like a part of the team because I don’t have any kids and don’t really know if I am good with kids. I also have never been in a relationship with a guy with kids, so it was hard feeling like I wasn’t the priority, I had feelings of jealousy and I know that was foolish.
    That’s unfortunate Buttercup, that you know you and your fella want to be together, but you’ve been scorned by your past. I know my ex said the same thing, he said that if it was just the two of us, we would be perfect. But that’s not the reality.
    Glad to hear that cc has learned something from our discussions. Hopefully you have time to reflect and save your relationship. It sounds like yours is challenging with the kids and the ex. It’s tough when the kids are caught in the middle, sad really. I hope his ex and your fella can sort it out and see how much they are hurting you. Do they live with you also?

    #353612 Reply
    marley

    Also, Buttercup, if I could ask you something: what did you expect of your ex when he moved in with you and your kids? Or, now that you know what you know now, what would you expect of your new fella if he moved in? Would you expect that he just mind his business when it comes to raising your kids or would you think he should play a big role and be included?
    Also, would you have ever considered taking your ex back if he was sorry and felt he recognized his errors? Or do you think it was hopeless. I ask because I’m curious as my ex mentioned to his girls when he told them that we were splitting up that it didn’t mean that we wouldn’t get back together again down the road. But he did tell his girls that him and their mom would never get back together. I know that he’s still attracted to me as he’s told me and last week when he came by to help with some handyman stuff, he gave me two tight, affectionate hugs. And on my birthday card a couple weeks ago, he signed it Love … xo. He doesn’t offer affection unless he feels it. So I was surprised to see the “xo” as I didn’t even get that when we were still together at Christmas!
    Thanks

    #353644 Reply
    buttercup

    When my ex moved in I guess I was naive too. I wanted him to blend in and be like their dad. I told him he was fine to tell the kids off if he needed to. I didn’t know how hard I would find that. Watching someone else chastise your child is hard.

    Some times I knew my kids were just being kids. He always took their behaviour as a personal attack on him. I even told him his own kids would eventually grow up and give him cheek and reject him sometimes. He wouldn’t believe it. They are 9 and 7 now, and they are far worse to him than my older kids ever were.

    I had a chat with him this morning as he fell out with his new fiance’s daughter last night. He hates the way she speaks to her mum and he wants to discuss it. I said to him, step back. Remember. You cant tell her how her child shouldn’t do this and that. (we all know she shouldn’t) but thats for his fiance to sort out. Its not his place to correct or criticize. Otherwise he will soon find himself in the same situation he was in with me.

    And no, I wouldn’t ever have him back! My daughter ended up under the mental health act at 11 because she was so depressed. And our relationship was awful. Too much damage was done. In the end he had an affair. So no, I wouldn’t take him back. I dont blame him. I played my part in the marriage breakdown. His cheating just brought it to its end. It was the best thing he did, to break it once and for all.

    If my new guy moved in I wouldn’t want him to chastise my kids. And he would not like me to chastise his. Yes, sometimes we have to say to them, ‘hang on, I’m talking/busy/just wait a minute’ etc, or remind them of please and thank you’s, but I find now the tone of voice used makes a lot of difference. My ex had a harsh tone. It always sounded angry and aggressive. And that wasn’t in my head because his family and work colleagues used to point it out often enough.

    #353791 Reply
    marley

    I’m sorry to hear about how things ended with your last relationship Buttercup. But like you said, better in the end if that’s what it took to finally end the bad stuff.

    I agree that it’s in the tone of voice how you come across with saying things to the kids. I know I was guilty of that. I didn’t know how to control those feelings of frustration. It was so hard seeing my ex being disrespected and being treated like a doormat by the girls. I may not necessarily have yelled at them, but I would get annoyed with what they said or did, and would occasionally say things under my breath or say something sarcastic at them or give them the cold shoulder because I didn’t appreciate how they were being disrespectful and couldn’t even look at them. Even though, like you said, my ex knew that they were taking advantage and being disrespectful, he finally admitted that he just wanted to keep the peace with them and it was easier to agree with them than to not. Probably because he felt bad about what was happening with their mom leaving and all.

    I feel that we did have a good relationship though, except for the recent, regular arguing over the kids. I guess I’m hopeful that he may be able to see past the mistakes of the past and try and move forward. I’m also afraid that like you, he may never want to put himself or his kids in that situation again where they feel like they don’t want to upset me or have to be tidy around me. I hope that he gives me another chance to prove that I see things differently now and am remorseful for the pressure that I put on him/them. But I would understand if he didn’t – but be very hurt.

    Would you agree that if your new guy moved in, that if there was an issue with your kids, you would rather him bite his tongue, than speak his mind to you or them? Also, what’s your opinion on decisions that involve the kids – example: when we were living together, both girls were agreed upon to go to their moms on weekends, but either their mom (she’s a total selfish, flake) or his 16 year old step-daughter (his ex wife’s daughter from her first marriage) would always change the plans and they would end up staying home for the weekend. Usually over some lame excuse, because his ex would have to work a few hours on Saturday, or the step-daughter wanted to hang with her friends, but her plans would always fall through, but the thing was, that my ex was always working weekends at the same time, so they would end up staying home with me. I now felt pressured to entertain them and cook and clean after them. I was looking forward to having a weekend to myself, but it would always end up being changed. Am I selfish for wanting that time?? As my ex always made me feel that I was. I didn’t see why the girls couldn’t go see their mom for the weekend even if their mom had to work a few hours on Saturday (one daughter was 16 and the other 11). They were at our house often alone if my ex was working and I was working, or away, etc. So I didn’t see why it was acceptable that their mom would cancel plans, when she hadn’t seem them in weeks. I learned that she was a selfish person. After all, she’s the one who decided to end the marriage and leave the kids behind. Anyway, what I’m getting at is that my ex would never tell me or discuss with me about the change of plans until like Friday after work when I got home and then he would get upset with me when I asked why he didn’t tell me sooner when he found out days ago. He didn’t see why it was a big deal. But I thought it was important to discuss it with me as I’m the one who’s at home with them all weekend as he was working anyway. That was a constant argument with us, almost every weekend. He would get to the point where he would tell his step-daughter that she was not changing the plans on weekends if both girls were going to their moms. But he would never stick to his decision and his step-daughter always got her own way with him and him and I would end up arguing because he would never back his decision up. Anyway, In your opinion, did I cross boundaries and should I have minded my own business and not expected that he should have involved me in those decisions with his girls and his ex?? I thought that because I was living there, I should have been involved in / or advised of decisions, because they did affect me.

    Anyway, I think I will have a chat with him next weekend to see where his head is at with all this. It’s been 3 months since I moved out and almost 6 months since he finished with me. I just need to know if there’s a future with us or if I should move on. It’s too hard to do the friend thing with him right now without knowing he thinks there’s a chance with us. I have to tell you that I’m kind of afraid of the answer…

    #353795 Reply
    buttercup

    My sister has a step son. She has struggled many times in her relationship with him. At first she would refuse to look after him if he was with them for the weekend and her husband ice to work. He’d end up taking the boy to work with him because she wanted her days off to herself. She was very firm on it but too harsh I thought. If the little lad climbed in their bed to cuddle his dad in the morning, she’d huff and get out and leave the room. Her telling me this used to upset me, because I used to watch my ex husband and he reacted like it made his skin crawl if my kids brushed against him. They were little kids!! This rejection is so damaging to small children.

    My new man’s two little boys are lovely lads. Admittedly I’m more fond of one over the other but I would not show it. The younger boy will come to me for a cuddle, sit on my lap, and ask for a goodnight kiss. The older boy will shy away from a good night kiss, and thats fine with me, but rather than not acknowledge him at bed time I’ll ruffle his hair and say nite nite love, and just kiss the others. I dont want him to feel awkward if he’s not comfortable with that affection. And my little boy wont kiss his dad’s partner, but my little girl will. However when my eldest ‘stepson’ fell and banged his head today he was happy for me to comfort and hold him while his dad played with the others.

    Its all a learning process. And my ex husband’s relationship has been on the verge of ending today because of how he doesnt get on with his new step daughter. He thinks her attitude is horrendous. He’s ex military though. So very disciplined. Its no wonder we weren’t compatible as parents! Ex military man and laid back farmers daughter!

    If you and your ex still love each other can you not get back together but not live together?

    #353796 Reply
    buttercup

    Decisions regarding the kids, yes, I would discuss with my new partner. But ultimately the final decision would be made by me, probably with input from the other biological parent.

    #353982 Reply
    marely

    I was raised with “old fashioned” values, being that children are meant to be seen and not heard. I had to always be tidy and help with chores, etc. and was never to talk back to my parents. I was/am a shy person, so I think being raised that way has probably affected me in my adulthood with my insecurities, etc. and those ideas from my parents have probably leaked in to my thought process.

    It’s hard because I guess it’s easier to be more subjective with someone else’s kids when you don’t have any of your own. I guess I see more where the kids are taking advantage and not being respectful, but when you’re the parent, you probably make concessions for some of those actions because of the unconditional love. I thought my sister would be like a warden to her kids as she was not an easy person to live with, all the rules and such, but her 5 year old son has her wrapped around his little finger and he’s so spoiled. Guess you don’t see what other’s on the outside see and vise versa.

    I think I worry that I may not always have my ex’s support if we ever did move in together as far as being a team on the decisions with the kids. I don’t think he really wanted my opinion. I think he’s used to being the “Mr. Mom” and doesn’t need any help. I would get confused because he would say that it was okay for me to say something to the girls about getting ready for bed, or whatever, and then when I did, he would get defensive and it would cause an argument, so I feel like I would almost have to always bite my tongue because he feels that I am judging his parenting skills. Like you said, it’s an ongoing lesson, and we both need to support each other, because that’s all I ever meant to do with him.

    My ex was raised as the youngest boy and they were allowed to make their own rules and curfews! His ideas are if he asks the kids to do something, they will eventually do, so he doesn’t bother following up. But they’re kids, they won’t and they didn’t do what they’re told on their own. He eventually would be repeating himself and I didn’t think they would respect him as they know they can get away with anything. I on the other hand think that if you tell the child something (like go get ready for bed, make your bed, etc.), then that means now, not whenever you feel like it. Because chances are, they will never feel like it. I dunno. We didn’t see eye to eye there.

    That’s what I’m hoping with my ex, as far as just getting back together and dating (not moving in together). I think the space is good for both of us right now. But I don’t know how my ex feel about me anymore. He doesn’t speak about that and I haven’t brought it up. His actions of coming over and helping with things and hugging me, shows me mixed messages. That’s what I hope to find out this weekend if he’s around – is where his head is at, if he’s open to dating again. I guess if anything, I need to find out and get closure or not.

    p.s. what part of England are you from? My family is from Liverpool!

    #354021 Reply
    buttercup

    I’m in Somerset. I have family connections up near the Mersey!

    #354023 Reply
    Harley

    This is an EXCEKLLENT discussion fot how to get advise on stepfamilies. I wish we could “bookmark” some discussions for future referance. I will have to start “saving ” them

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