This topic contains 32 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Emma 9 months, 1 week ago.
September 13, 2017 at 8:38 am #653694
Hey, gonna try to keep this one relatively short.
I’ve been with my man for 2 years, and he’s stonewalling me for the first time. It’s been nearly a week with no contact despite my messages and voicemail I left him.
Things have otherwise been great between us and he has never striked me as emotionally abusive – perhaps a little emotionally stunted, yes. But it’s never been bad enough to affect me as such.
My question is, how long do I take this before I leave him? I understand that he might actually want to leave me, hence the ignoring, but on the assumption he’s just trying to have a hold over me.. how long should I wait for him to come back? I’m sending him a final text on Friday explaining I want him in my life but if he doesn’t feel the same to let me know asap. Then I won’t contact him any more and wait for him to come round.
Ladies – what would you do? Have you been ignored for over a week before, what was the outcome and how did you handle it? I’ve read loads of threads like these but I do feel each situation is slightly unique. Could he have something else going on that he just doesn’t want to tell me?
September 13, 2017 at 8:40 am #653695
I realise saying “how long should I wait before I leave him?” seems like I WANT to leave him. I don’t, but I know my worth and if this only gets worse then I know that might be an option.September 13, 2017 at 9:19 am #653709
Has he just started ignoring you for no reason? Or did something prompt this, like an argument?
Does he live close enough to you that you could go round? Do you know any of his friends or relatives?September 13, 2017 at 9:34 am #653715
MHC, sorry, I did leave a few details out haha. It was sparked by an argument that was due to him saying some questionable, rude things about someone close to me. Neither of us were name-calling or anything, and he said he “can’t be arsed to say anything else” so I said okay, and that was that. Haven’t heard from him since despite my efforts during the first couple of days. I haven’t text him in 3 days now though, to give him is own space. I thought the argument was relatively minor but obviously it’s bruised him or affected him. I would like to persist that I didn’t say anything mean or rude to him back, despite the things he said first.
I do know friends and relatives, but I’d rather not involve them!September 13, 2017 at 10:19 am #653735
Why did this happen? What was the reason for him disappearing?September 13, 2017 at 10:43 am #653738
No worries, I do understand you not wanting to get others involved and now I know a bit more about it I would say it’s not necessary to – I was just thinking if it had happened out of the blue (with no argument) then there might be more of a concern for welfare.
I can’t say that I’ve ever had this happen with a long-term partner. I’ve had an ex ignore me for a day or two after a row, but he was verging on the mentally abusive and would use this as a means to get me to eventually apologise for things that weren’t my fault just to try and restore things between us. I would be very concerned if my boyfriend of two years was behaving like this over an argument. How old are you both? When you say he’s emotionally stunted, in what way? Do you know how he generally reacts to conflict with others?September 13, 2017 at 12:00 pm #653743
Tina, I don’t know the reason for him disappearing! I’m guessing it was originally the argument, but it’s been so long now that I assume there’s deeper issues there, maybe he’s rethinking “us”, I don’t know hence why I’m worried. Either that or he’s using this as a control mechanism to get me to apologise, but I wasn’t in the wrong.
MHC, we’re both in our early 20s. To be honest I don’t think he’s had conflict with anyone since we’ve been together – he’s generally quite passive and if someone was to piss him off he’d probably let it slide or get over it without a fuss.
By emotionally stunted, I mean he’s poor at expressing emotion. He thinks crying is weak (even though sometimes he encourages me crying, if I’m talking about a family issue for example). Other times he laughs if I say I’m crying and acts as if I’m too emotional. He only really says “I love you” when he’s drunk, or he said it a few times after we nearly broke up once, but apart from that it takes a lot to get lovey dovey chat out of him. He’s not really into PDA. Just stuff like that – he finds it hard to process emotion.
I was wondering whether today to send a simple “hey, you okay?” text? To break my silence and to give him a chance to reply, even if his response is just “yeah you”.
Should I do that, or just keep waiting? I don’t know how long to wait before it’s reasonable for me to tell him that he needs to come back to me (or leave)., essentially give him an ultimatum. The messages I’ve sent so far have come from a place of love and security that I won’t be mad at him, but those obviously haven’t worked.September 13, 2017 at 12:08 pm #653745
This is how he is. It’s how he will act for a while, possibly as long as you’d be with him. He may never change. This is how he handles stress and any emotional conflict. What about when things get tough in the future (kids, financial problems, ANYTHING else that could happen). I mean, is this someone you want to spend (or waste) more of your time on? You’ve given him plenty of time to reach out to you. A week of no contact after a fight in a 2 year long relationship is not okay. He’s neglecting you and only looking out for himself. Figure out what YOU want. Focus on yourself just like he’s doing with himself. Think about what you’re willing to tolerate and what exactly you want to set straight with him. Then talk to him if he hasn’t reached out to you before then.
Do I think his behavior is acceptable? No, I don’t think he should be in a relationship right now. It’s bringing you down and that’s not fair for you. But it’s up to you, you know him best. Remember to look at him as he is right now. That’s who you’re with. Not who he can be. Hopefully you make the right decisions and stand up for yourself.September 13, 2017 at 12:16 pm #653747
I think a week would be my limit. What makes this worse is it seems this whole thing was his fault. He does not seem mature enough to be in a relationship. I would send that text now. If he doesn’t respond in two days send another text that says it is over. I know this is hard, but right now you are learning who he really is. You are far too young to settle.September 13, 2017 at 1:15 pm #653778
Thanks everyone. Maybe time to find someone that suits me better!
So are we in agreement not to text him for another week or so? My original plan was to text him on Friday with a kind of “this is the final day I can wait for you” message, but be nice enough to give him an option to come back to me – so he can explain himself. I’ll at least give him the chance to do that but thank you so much for your advice, you seem like strong women.September 13, 2017 at 1:25 pm #653783
3 days max…September 13, 2017 at 1:27 pm #653785
Are you sure he’s physically ok and not lying in a ditch or the hospital??
If so,10 days would be the MAX I’d tolerate this in a two year relationship.
Are you the girl who had an argument about a relative who was sexually assaulted? If so this guy would be gone from my life.
Mature adults discuss their differences calmly and work out a resolution TOGETHER.
Stop contacting him!!’ I would have reached out ONCE. After that the ball is HIS court.
If he ignored me after that, at a week I would have sent a final email saying this isn’t respectful or how people who care about each other behave. I would tell him If be happy to listen to anything he has to say and work it out…BUT…if I didn’t hear from him in the next couple days…we are DONE.
Why are you kissing his butt? Enough!!September 13, 2017 at 1:35 pm #653788
I would say it’s up to you. Whenever your limit is. If it’s now, text him now. If you need more time to think about what you want and want to say to him- then text him when you’re ready. But definitely sooner than later, as like we are all saying, a week of him ignoring you is not healthy or respectful.
If you really haven’t done anything wrong here, then you deserve better. Whether that’s him completely changing himself and stepping his game up, or finding it elsewhere. But people don’t change overnight…September 13, 2017 at 3:12 pm #653824
I would not text or call him anymore. You have said your peace. I would consider you broken up at this point.
I was in a much shorter dating relationship with someone last year, who stonewalled me and I simply got over myself and never texted him or called him after I had sent a couple unanswered texts. It was the best thing I could have done even though it hurt so much. I erased his number, but should have blocked it because exactly 7 months later he called and I picked up.September 13, 2017 at 3:14 pm #653825
And I have to agree with the ladies that his communication style is disrespectful. Now he may just disrespect women in general, it may not be you, which makes it impossible for you in this instance to have a relationship with him or for anyone to have a relationship with him. But that’s beyond this forum.September 13, 2017 at 4:14 pm #653854
No I would text him today, or at least within the next two days. Have that text be something like, “I care about you and I hope we can resolve this difference. But giving me the silence treatment is not something I will accept. If you want our relationship to continue, respond to this message”. Then give him 2-3 days. If no response, send a final text ending the relationship. I promise you there are plenty of guys out there who will behave better!September 13, 2017 at 5:34 pm #653895
Again, thank you everyone. So glad I found this forum.
Tonight he’s actually been competely missing. I can check when he was last active on Facebook, and he never misses a day on there. He hasn’t been online since 6am. Also haven’t seen him online our messaging app, which is unusual too. So now on top of being sad, angry, frustrated, I’m worried about him. I guess I’ll see what tomorrow brings.
Maybe this means he’s feeling down (possibly about us) and has had to take a day off everything? I guess it’s silly me even trying to guess lol! I’ll definitely take all of your comments on board, it’s so useful seeing different perspectives.September 13, 2017 at 9:04 pm #653931
I remember you posted about it just a couple of days ago. You already send him two loving texts or messages and I couldn’t understand why women advised you to continue to shower him with loving messages while he is stonewalling you. Whatever the reasons, whatever they are, stonewalling your GF of two years is unacceptable. I’d say it is sadistic towards anyone, but you’ve been in a relationship with him for 2 years!! You keep reaching out to him, but nothing moves him. He is is not physically hurt and unable to type, there is no excuse.
He might have gone offline to make you worry about him, so that you flood him with attention again.
What normal man would stonewall his GF this way?
When you love someone you’d want to cling to whatever chance there is not to let go. You miss this person, you want to talk to them. And they realize it. And purposefully deliberately stonewall you. I’ve been stonewalled, not in a long-term relationship but still, and I can tell you there are fewer things that make you feel as awful as this one. If I were in a relationship and my BF stonewalled me, after I repeatedly tried to reach out to him, I’d be gone. You need to understand, it is sadistic, they do it in purpose, they realize what agony you are going through, they WANT you to keep running after them, enjoying your humiliation and grief.
For some reason we think that when someone does harm onto us they don’t understand what they are doing. In some cases they don’t, but most adults by the time they are 25 have experienced things done to them, they know what it feels to be ignored, dumped, stonewalled.
I feel very sorry for you, I want to know what you’d do in the end. And what would happen later, months later. Just remember a person who is that cruel is going to be cruel AGAIN.September 13, 2017 at 9:48 pm #653942
When something similar happened to me in the past, I waited for a bout a week. After a week, I sent a goodbye/break-up message. I wasn’t even explaining that I find his silence immature and disrespectful (to not say, ridiculous), I was really done by then so there was no point in discussing his ways (nor explaining myself). I just mentioned that he can keep my stuff, I don’t need them back.
Of course, he never replied, but after a while was all over my fb. I just ignored until it stopped.
I agree with those who say this is not acceptable. I run for miles from people who use stonewalling as any kind of a tool, for any kind of purpose. It’s often a red flag predicting much worse behaviors.September 13, 2017 at 11:21 pm #653966
You will find out what he is doing soon enough, but I think Emma is right. He is likely made you quit texting him and desperately wants you to worry and send messages.September 13, 2017 at 11:28 pm #653968
I am surprised at how easily people ask you to break up with your after 1 week of silent treatment. People have feelings and each person is acts and responds differently to situations. You are assuming that it is his fault in the argument you had, but you guys never discussed it. On the contrary, he may have a totally different opinion. In my view, it is not just his fault, but yours too. If a conflict is not resolved, however small, and you dont make up, but just bury it behind you, it will eventually develop into something very resentful. If you are okay with brushing an issue without really talking to him about it, I wonder if you really understand him. I dont know if you are getting your advice from mostly men, but guys do expect women to step up as well and resolve a conflict. The silent treatment is an opportunity to either partner to brood on the disagreement and talk about it. If there is still disagreement after talking over it, then you can decide if you want to end it or not. You dont know how the seemingly unimportant thing to you affected your partner. If you dont care about it, you dont deserve his company especially if what he may be looking for is to take his feelings a bit more seriously and for you to talk about it. If you are generally sensitive to his feelings, it is a different story, and you guys may not be compatible. But, if I were you, I would reach out to him with an apology telling him that you should have really talked about why he was disappointed. Once you get a chance to hear his side of the story about the argument, you can then make a sound decision as to where he is coming from. If you still dont agree with him, it is time to leave him because you guys are not compatible. Silent treatment doesnt come out of the blue, it is usually pent up feelings that build up with time. In my opinion, you guys are clearly not communicating enough. Either you dont care enough about his feelings and emotional well being or he is not emotionally mature to respect you enough. Either ways, you guys are still young and its takes a few mistakes before we all mature, for we are all human and prone to err. Good luck and hope you can talk it out before you end it! If he is not ready to talk after you tell him clearly that you are willing to listen to him and talk to him about something that is bothering him that is affecting you as well, then you have every right to just move on.September 14, 2017 at 3:19 am #653978
You’re right, Emma. I’ve woken up with an “over it” attitude. My feelings are all over the place but I’ll try to re-read your comment when I want to cave.
SD, maybe you misunderstood my post. There was no option to talk about the argument after it had happened, as he disappeared on me. I tried to reach out to him a couple of hours after it happened – nothing. I tried to reach out the next day asking if we could talk about it – nothing. The whole point of my post is I have desperately wanted to talk to him because I DO care about his feelings, so much. He 1000% knows this as well. But he is emotionally immature and has blocked this.
Thank you for your advice anyhow!September 14, 2017 at 3:21 am #653979
And thanks Shoshannah for sharing your story! My worst fear is sending him the ‘break up’ message and him not even replying to that. But I guess if he doesn’t, he’s not the guy I thought he was and certainly not a guy I want to spend forever with.September 14, 2017 at 5:33 am #653989
A relationship isn’t a marriage. You’re not legally bound to be in it. What keeps it going are the facts you communicate, spend time together, have sex together, love each other and are faithful to each other. If any of those stop, you’re no longer in a relationship.
He’s essentially ghosted on you.
I would have no problem with a man saying he’s upset, angry, depressed, stressed, whatever and needing time away from me. But if he disappeared with no explantion and ignored me for even 2 days, I would consider the relationship over. No communication = no relationship. Simple as that.
I don’t do the silent treatment or passive aggressiveness. My mother couldn’t stand it due to her upbringing so I’ve learned to not stand for it. It’s funny how many people do it as a childish way of getting a reaction. They don’t even care they’re hurting you by doing it.
My sister-in-law did this to me and spent 4 years trying to make the relationship OK again. I told her at the time if she went down that path, there would be no coming back. She still didn’t get it. Now she’s the one hurt I won’t be her friend! You can’t pick people up and put them down when you feel like it. You can’t cut someone out of your life and expect them to still be there when you change your mind or realise your tactics won’t manipulate them. Well you can’t in my world anyway! I don’t think they should be able to in your world either.September 14, 2017 at 6:02 am #653992
Thank you Hannah for your advice! The tough thing is I know deep down that you’re right, I don’t deserve this, in a genuine relationship this shouldn’t happen, especially not after 2 years.
My problem is that I love and adore this man more than anything. So for ME to be the one to let go and say “this is enough, goodbye”… boy it hurts to even think about doing it!!
What do you think his reasons are for ghosting?
This nearly happened with us once before. He went MIA for over a day, which isn’t a lot but for us it was. We took a step back so he had thinking time as he asked for more time, met in person a week later, cried about our troubles and got back together stronger than ever. So in that case, he finally told me what was wrong, and communicated that he needed time to think, even though he was planning on breaking up (but didn’t go through with it in the end).
That time, I knew his reasons. This time, I have NO idea what his reasons are. I’m baffled. Do you have any idea what might be the case?? Because he had the courage to tell me he was considering ending it before, I don’t understand why he couldn’t just do the same thing this time.