She's gone — any hope left?


Home Forums Break Up Advice She's gone — any hope left?

This topic contains 64 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Phillygirl 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #651033 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Oops, *re-earned and wrote *here

    #651034 Reply

    Ash

    Honestly, if I were in her shoes, you’d be done, I wouldn’t even give you as much as she has.

    Stop chasing this girl, leave her alone, you’ve done enough damage and repairing it is going to take more effort than I believe you’re capable of.

    You say you’ve realized your mistake but now you need to take responsibility for your actions. Stop chasing this girl, let her go. By continuing to contact her, you’re only preventing her from being happy and finding someone who doesn’t think about cheating. At this point you’re only being selfish. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

    Work on yourself, learn from your mistakes and when you’re in a place to have a serious relationship along with all that entails, try again with a new girl, or if you think you’ll never be in a place to have a serious relationship, you make sure to tell the girls you date from this point on not to expect anything more.

    #651035 Reply

    Ash

    Besides, from the way you talk about her, you don’t sound compatible anyway.

    You say you’ve accepted her and her flaws, but your talking down about her indicates you’ve done anything but. You’re not right for each other.

    #651081 Reply

    Lost38

    @phillygirl while I appreciate your advice on how to approach my girlfriend I also have to respectfully disagree with some of your points.

    Just because I made a mistake does not mean I’m a bad person or not in love with my girlfriend. I think it’s naive to try to put human beings and their emotions into a box. There is no diagram that suggests certain behaviors or indicative of certain feelings. Again, anonymous forum here and I have no reason to lie.

    I screwed up one time. Zero intention to meet anyone offline. I lied about it to my girlfriend and denied it at first because I was embarrassed and panicked.

    I wasn’t attacking my girlfriend in my post. I can accept responsibility for my actions and also point out her flaws as well — these are mutually exclusive points.

    I love her. I came her asking for advice on how to get her to forgive me and salvage our relationship. Not become a dartboard for people to pass their subjective views onto me about how I feel about my love or to ridicule me for my faults.

    Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I’m seeking out advice to fix what I broke.

    #651086 Reply

    Lost38

    @ash again, seems a bit like projecting when you tell a complete stranger they “can’t put in the effort”? Not sure that even warrants a response…

    I didn’t “talk down” about anyone. I felt it prudent to share details about the reality of my situation in the spirit of seeking advice. Again, loving someone and being honest about their flaws is ok. You can love someone and accept them — logical assertion.

    Cheating is subjective. I acknowledge what I did was a betrayal but I did not cheat. There was no physical or emotional exchange here — nor was there going to be ever.

    You seem as if you’re not a very forgiving person. I’ve learned to live life accepting others for who they are and forgive them when they ask for it. Who am I to judge others? Why should I become angry over someone’s flaws?

    You either learn to accept people are capable of error or you walk away. I think the world would seem lonely if I were to cut out everyone who has caused me to be upset with their actions at one point.

    #651099 Reply

    Hannah

    You know the definition of cheating is to act dishonestly don’t you? How can you say you didn’t cheat?

    You set up a Tinder profile to chat to women, you chatted to a woman for 2 weeks behind your gf’s back, whatever you said to this woman gave the impression you were single and looking for a woman and then you bare face lied about it for a full week.

    There are mistakes that can be forgiven and there are calculated ways of being deceitful that are very difficult or sometimes impossible to forgive.

    It doesn’t help you’re in a long distance relationship. She only has your word and trust that you’re being honest and faithful as she’s not with you all the time. Now she’s lost that, she’s unlikely to get it back.

    She may try but I agree with Ash that you don’t sound like you have the personality to make it work. You’re not even really understanding what you’ve destroyed. It will take huge amounts of drama, work and probabaly several years for her to trust you again. You don’t sound like the have the stamina to do that. (Buying flowers really isn’t going to cut it!)

    #651104 Reply

    kaye

    You seem like a complete jerk who isn’t even self aware and doesn’t have a single nice thing to say about your girlfriend!! This is your description:

    Background for my girlfriend:
    25 years old
    Suffers from depression and anxiety
    She seems pretty self absorbed
    Tends to love people catering to her needs – emotional and physical

    Seriously? This sounds to me like all the reasons you wouldn’t want her back!! You don’t say she’s kind, loving, beautiful, sweet, faithful, caring, confident, smart or anything positive. Most guys describing their girlfriend who they are so in love with and want back would be using those kinds of words. Not the cold harsh truth you wrote. And quite frankly with the 12 year age gap, you standing outside with a boom box above her head would mean absolutely nothing to her!!

    You are 37 and never married and it’s pretty clear why. You try to make out like this was some one time mistake and then go on about how this girlfriend was a rebound following a 7 year relationship which just happened to overlap. So you my good sir prove the old adage of if he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you!!

    I would guess if these messages the girl shared were enough to make your girlfriend so upset you aren’t as innocent as you want to portray. Why don’t you just leave the poor girl alone and go create you a real online dating profile and find other women to chat with and date who aren’t long distance?

    #651105 Reply

    Phillygirl

    I’m with Hannah. While your response is written in a reasoned and intelligent way, you seem to lack the ability to fully understand what you did.

    You CHOSE to act dishonestly. You CHOSE to deny it. You CHOSE to LIE about it. Then you seem to lack understanding and real empathy of why you don’t deserve trust now.

    No woman who is not a dingbat is going to believe anything you say after you look at the whole package of bad decisions YOU made. Not one mistake, but a whole series of lies and deception.

    If I honestly felt you demonstrated here that you fully take responsibility for what you did, and the magnitude of the trust issues you created, I’d be much more inclined to offer advice to help you win her back.

    As it is, I did tell you what is necessary at this point. You just don’t want to put in the required hard work and effort.

    Flowers and candy? Please, that is such a hollow empty gesture after deceiving her and lying about it.

    This is NOT a flowers, jewelry, and gifts fix. It’s a fix of taking FULL responsibility for poor decisions, owning them, and if you’re truly sorry, putting in some REAL work to earn back what you destroyed.

    You are almost cavalier in your reaction to all this, as if it’s no big deal. Well to most people in a committed exclusive relationship, a real breach of trust is a very big deal.

    I will not apologize for my take on this, I think it’s spot on. I also think this girl deserves better than you, if she’s not the self absorbed, attention hound, selfish girl you depicted here.

    If she is, maybe you do deserve one another.

    It is NOT our responsibility to help you if we think you have not given us reason to believe you are sincere, fully acknowledge your screw up (it’s not a MISTAKE-you KNEW what you were doing), and show you are willing to put in the effort to make amends.

    I give advice based on a relationship showing the potential to be honest, healthy and mutually beneficial.

    So far you are not demonstrating real repentance and full acknowledgement of your decisions.

    Only a person without healthy self esteem would think you are demonstrating you are worthy of a second chance.

    #651106 Reply

    Nikki

    Ugh, I have been on your girlfriend’s side, and it sucks so much.

    Sounds like you cheated on your last girlfriend with your current one? And then you set up an online dating profile to test the waters, or whatever you thought of it as?

    When you describe her, you are putting her down in some ways calling her a rebound and “self-absorbed” amongst other things. Honestly, the one who sounds self-absorbed is you, the guy who would create a dating profile and engage in conversation with a girl who you swiped right or whatever on. Your behavior is also much more immature than hers has been, for someone who is 12 years older than her.

    You do need to evaluate this relationship, because you do not seem to have much respect for her or the relationship that you share. Take it from someone who married a 38 year old when I was 23…once the glamour of dating/marrying someone so much younger wore off, he became regretful and bitter, and we are now divorced. I think a lot of men date younger girls because they like the ego boost and like telling their friends how they got this younger girl…well she is a person too, and she cares about you and you are probably more to her than an ego boost, so if you have such little respect for her that you will cheat and put her down, please take an honest look at what attracts you to her and decide whether it is in her best interest for you to woo her and try to fix this.

    #651107 Reply

    Amanda

    Sure do the flowers but you need to commit to CHANGING BEHAVIOR. The note should not just say that you will give her space but that you are committed to going to counseling and sharing your phone. If you can’t commit to that you are way too immature for any relationship. In my experience men who have not found someone from 35 are single for a damn good reason.

    And what a loud of BS “80% of relationships involve infidelity” That is just crap.

    #651111 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Kaye seemed to sum this guy up PERFECTLY!

    I couldn’t have said any of it better.

    Hopefully that clears all this up, for everyone.

    #651113 Reply

    Hannah

    Kaye sometimes I think we’re the same person. As soon as I read that last post, I thought “37 and not married…now I know why!”

    Sorry to be rude Lost, but that’s how I see it. You have a lot to learn if you ever want a happy, stable relationship. I wonder you do want one though? You cheat on your ex and have ended up with a long distance, emotionally vulnerable woman significantly younger than you. Then you cheat on her. You don’t even seem to know why!

    You’re nearly 40. Time to work out who you are and what you want from life.

    #651120 Reply

    Phillygirl

    @Lost, you may not like it, but we are telling you truth. Do with it what you will. But if you really want a long term committed relationship with anyone, you need to work on you.

    #651121 Reply

    Anon

    Google online

    That is the rate in America- 80 percent infidelity in a given relationship
    Check the facts before your comment

    #651125 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Just because it’s on the internet, DOESN”T MAKE IT FACT.

    Check the source, half of what is online is made up, inaccurate, or straight up fiction.

    And don’t go by one source. A good rule of thumb is at least 3 TRUSTED legitimate sources.

    #651126 Reply

    Hannah

    Anon where is your source for that? The only surverys I’ve seen have said between 30-55% of people have cheated depending on the country. But once or more in their lives, not in every relationship. There is no way only 20% of relationships are faithful.

    I’ve cheated once in one relationship and have never been cheated on as far as I know. Most of my friends have never cheated on anyone, let alone cheated in every relationship.

    #651127 Reply

    kaye

    Phillygirl and Hannah,

    I always agree with your advice so sometimes I do think we share the same vibes or brain waves or something!! Lol Sad thing is we know exactly what if would take for this guy to win her back but I’m not about to share that with him because quite frankly he still doesn’t seem to have a clue how to be committed to one woman.

    #651130 Reply

    Jens

    Lost… looking at this objectively, you’re 37, never been married and dating a 25 year old who you describe as being someone who is not capable of being in a healthy relationship. From what you’re saying I don’t think either of you is in a healthy enough frame of mind for a healthy relationship to be possible at this time. What is your desired outcome for this relationship? Are you interested in getting married and having a family in general? Do you want to marry this woman?

    I’m not going to kick you for what you did as I’m simply looking at this objectively. Whether you intended to meet someone or not when you created your profile, you did go looking to connect with someone else on a dating site. That’s either because you want out of this or it’s a huge cry for her to notice you because you aren’t feeling appreciated and wanted. Which do you think it is?

    INeither of you are handling the conflict well. I suspect that even if she did take you back, the relationship wouldn’t last. You’d have to work very hard over a long period of time to regain her trust and if you are LDR that is a fool’s errand. I don’t think this is fixable to where you can be happy together because the fundamental relationship wasn’t strong enough to begin with.

    Let this go and get very clear on who you are and what kind of woman you want and what your life goals are. Then go out dating. Not before.

    Personally, I would not be able to get past someone doing this unless there was couples counseling involved.

    And before you go out there and create another profile… have a care for the women you are looking to deceive because your ego needs a stroke. It really sucks to do that to another human being, use them for your own purposes. You are exactly the type we are all wanting to avoid when we join a dating site. Think about that long and hard. If you want a high quality woman, you have to be a high quality man and right now you are not.

    #651150 Reply

    Lost38

    @Jens thanks for the objectivity and advice.

    To answer your question I think it was a selfish act. I was under a period of stress and I wanted to feel desired or wanted. I truly was not looking for any type of connection or encounter at all. I know this is wrong on so many levels and frankly I do not expect anyone here to view my actions as just a one time screw up. However, it’s the truth.

    I came her to process the actions of my girlfriend because I clearly do not understand her or what she needs to move past this event. It seems the more I try the more I fail. She was starting to come around slightly and then I decided to ignore her on Saturday — wrong move according to her. She text me last night that she doesn’t believe my story or that I was with my friends watching the fight and playing poker. I just wanted to give her a night with her friends and also time to think whether or not she missed me. She text me that I am not ready for a committed relationship and do not know her well based on my actions Saturday. She also stated “that’s not how I operate”. She said, “I called you for the first time in two weeks and you don’t pick up?” I feel like a child but I literally sent her screenshots of my text convos and videos from that night to prove who I was with and where. She said she doesn’t believe me and refused to watch them.

    If this is the case then why even bother to continue texting me? Is this revenge or a way to torture me before she is gone?

    To address some of the comments above:

    I love my girlfriend. We had a bit of a dysfunctional start. I was exiting a 7 years relationship where my ex cheated on me twice – beginning and end. It was dead but due to comfort level and time spent we hung on to something dead. I met my current girlfriend and she blew my mind. We started off great but shortly after I noticed she was still seeking attention from other men – accepting gifts from them and texts. In fact she even slept with a guy and justified it because I was still talking to my ex. Things improved over time and we became closer. I think her lies stopped (I hope) and we seemed great. She took a job offer about 6 hours away roughly one year ago. She made this decision without talking to me. I accepted it though because I thought it was a great move for her career. It started out fine because she lived alone and I work remote. I would visit a week or longer each month and we really started to fall deep for each other. For whatever reason she decided to move out and get a roommate about 8 months ago. She did this without even talking to me about it. In fact we discussed me moving in with her part time and helping her with rent so we could continue to grow the relationship and help her financially. She apparently had second thoughts though and said she wasn’t ready to live together — even part time. I was hurt that she made this decision and went behind my back to secure a place with a roommate. We still pressed on and she suggested the extra cost savings would allow her to travel to me more. However, that really did not happen until the last two months.

    I feel like I am always chasing her and putting her on a pedestal. I know that I help her with things in life more so than anyone she has in her life now – including family. She relies on me for advice, support, decision making, etc. I do nice things for her that any boyfriend would do – flowers, random gifts, dinners, trips etc. I’ve talked to her about marriage and children but she shrugged it off. She eventually came around to the concept of marriage recently but only suggesting that she wants to get engaged one day soon — just not now. Kids? No chance for awhile according to her.

    Look the point is the relationship has many layers and flaws but I still love this woman. I don’t know specifically why I text messaged with this woman. Maybe just to flirt or get a rush — possibly to feel desired and satisfy my own insecurities? Either way I messed up and have no idea what my girlfriend wants from me now. It feels like she is gone but then strings me along with glimpses of hope. For all I know she may have reverted back to the person who sought out other men’s attention. It feels like she wants me on a leash to address her texts whenever but she can ignore me for hours or days.

    I’m just lost.

    #651151 Reply

    Lost38

    @Kaye “I know exactly what this guy should do to get his girlfriend back”. Wow, aren’t you a peach. I can only be left to wonder if you walk past say, a homeless person and judge them when they have a had out for help.

    Hopefully my request for help and advice on this forum has given you the satisfaction you so desire by telling me to f**k off.

    I hope you find peace for whomever or whatever made you so angry and nasty.

    #651153 Reply

    Phillygirl

    I really wish you had led with this information, it makes a BIG difference in the responses you will get.

    It paints a very different picture, to say the least.

    However, with all the new information you provided, one thing doesn’t change. I don’t think you two are compatible, and maybe the part of you that swiped right knows it.

    I think you are wasting your time with this girl. Maybe deep down some part of you intentionally sabotaged this because you don’t have the heart to end it otherwise, even though I think it is honestly what is best for both of you.

    I think you two want different things, and based on what I hear about her now, I think she is nowhere near ready to settle down with one guy.

    It doesn’t make what you did ok, but it’s certainly more understandable.

    #651167 Reply

    Lost38

    Call me crazy but I still want her back. I know there is no exact blueprint per se and without knowing her or our relationship this is a shot in the dark, but any advice on how to proceed would be welcomed.

    Also any insight into why she was so angry about not responding Saturday eve?

    #651171 Reply

    Amanda

    Thanks Philly. It cracks me up people are so naive to think that, “google how many people cheat, I see 80%, google must be right!”. Good lord I have heard that stat before and like many stats randomly quoted online there is NO substance behind it. It is a bunch of BS.

    #651172 Reply

    Anon

    Lost … I don’t want to call you crazy… I want you to be better than crazy.

    I really do want you to focus on your career.

    I don’t feel she was fully committed to you.

    The more time you want to spend on being crazy for her will prevent you from after finding the newly learned lesson to be happy with a better match,

    #651173 Reply

    Anon

    At this point, it is really better to just do nothing

    Be a real man. women by nature are more emotional, when she gets clarity, she might come back. But i don’t see how she could make you happy either.

    When was the last time you were really happy with her ? How could someone be that happy without enough reciprocation?

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