Shady Lawyer – was I right to leave him?


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  • #941695 Reply
    Kylie

    I met what seemed like a great guy 6 weeks ago through a dating app and we began talking though long distance. After a series of red flags, I ended things with him and blocked him on everything. I am 99% sure I made the right decision but I am having some major post breakup blues since we talked at least 3-5 hours a day. These were his red flags: 1) 2 weeks in, he told me he has a 8 year old daughter. States he pays child support and lost parental rights/custody when the child was 6 after the courts told him his daughter would be better off living in a two parent home with his ex-girlfriend and her husband and he had a court ordered psychiatric evaluation, therapy sessions and parenting classes. He stated that his ex was his girlfriend of 6 years and at the end, she got off birth control to “trap” him to get him to marry her but I felt he was using her. His parents and his ex wanted to keep the child but his parents still did not want anything to do with her or their grandchild which I felt was cruel. 2) He does not share my faith or core values. 3) He subscribes to the views of Andrew Tate. 4) He thinks there should be a prenup before marriage but not in my case because I make equal or more than him, am from the same conservative cultural background as him and am “God-fearing.” 5) He can be secretive and tends to very subtly gaslight and resorts to negging; I think he was insecure and worried I would leave him. He also asked me if I think he has borderline personality disorder. 6) He sent me a recording of a business conversation he had and that’s when I discovered his phone “automatically records” all of his calls but he claims he did not record any of ours since they were not regular calls but calls through a voice app for international calls. He said he needs to record his calls since he is a lawyer and that it is legal since it is a one party state. 7) In the initial stages, he was pushing my emotional boundaries by asking me very personal questions 8) He asked me to be his girlfriend after a month all while telling me about the different women that were contacting him from various dating apps and each woman’s red flags. He also wanted to come visit me from overseas within the next 2-3 months. 9) He was creating a trust or entity which he himself called “borderline legal.” I think he was counting on the fact that I am in my mid-thirties and wanting to settle down and have children. Apart from my age, I think I am doing rather well and do not need to settle for him. I did not want to risk being recorded so I sent him a break up text that was cordial yet firm, thanking him for his time but clearly stating that it was best to part ways. Was I right in leaving him?

    #941697 Reply
    AngieBaby

    Really????? You have to ask strangers on the internet to validate this decision?

    WHY are you second guessing yourself? This man is a NIGHTMARE. I feel sorry for his child. And any man mentions Andrew Tate in front of me and I’m out of there permanently.

    It’s not healthy to talk with someone you barely know for 3-5 hours a day. You got codependent very quickly. Don’t do that again.

    I am glad though that you saw the red flags and walked away at only 6 weeks in.

    #941699 Reply
    Maddie

    I stopped reading at Andrew Tate. There’s no reason for you to doubt your instincts or second-guess yourself. But you will need to find other ways to fill your time that don’t rely on getting caught up in conversation with a long-distance stranger. There’s some amount of fantasy to get lost in in that, which is why he seemed great at the very first, but you almost immediately realized he isn’t actually once you spoke enough and got to know him a little better. Think about why you wanted to get swept up enough to entertain him and why you’re second-guessing yourself now, even though to your great credit, it was very brief and only 6 weeks.

    #941700 Reply
    Ewa

    have you even met this guy in real life?

    #941701 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    He lives overseas and you’ve never even met, right? I think Angiebaby and Maddie have given great advice. You shouldn’t doubt yourself.

    You also shouldn’t get romantically attached to long distance guys that you’ve never even met. That’s a sign of emotional unavailability in yourself. Because like Maddie said, the situation is totally based on fantasy and not on real life interactions with someone in person. That’s why it’s so painful for you now– you’re missing the fantasy that you built up in your head. But you haven’t actually lost anything, because what you imagined in your head was never real. In the future, focus on dating local guys that you can meet in person.

    #941703 Reply
    AngieBaby

    I just re-read what I wrote and I think it might come across as a lot more harsh and critical than I meant it. It was just so obvious what a good job you did of spotting the red flags early that I was kind of amazed you felt you needed to second guess yourself when you 100% got it right and cut him off early.

    #941705 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Long distance like this is not a relationship, what is going on in your life that you would talk 3-5 hours a day with a random stranger?

    You both are not emotionally healthy. Clear up your own emotional unavailability and you won’t be attracted to this anymore.

    #941708 Reply
    Khadija

    You were not in a relationship with this man, let’s clear that up first. This was a pen pal.
    Secondly, really read what you wrote and think about why you got involved in that mess to begin with.
    Please work on your standards or you’ll end up disappointed time and time again.

    #941711 Reply
    Kylie

    Angiebaby, I think you were not too harsh. I needed a slap of reality. Maddie thank you for the advice. Ewa – no I have not met him since he lives in Australia. Liz Lemon – You are right about keeping it local. I could not find what I liked so I started looking more long distance as dating long distance and overseas is normal in my culture. I agree that I got caught up in a fantasy. Tallspicy – hard to hear but you are totally on point. Khadija – Yes, I have lowered my standards over the years to try to get married but I need to improve them.

    #941712 Reply
    Raven

    Lowering your standards to try & find a husband is inane… Imagine having children & being STUCK with a loser for the rest of your life!

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