Separated for 2 years and have a BF now


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This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Kristy 10 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #591781 Reply

    Kristy

    Hi All,

    I have been separated with my husband for 2 years now. Divorce hasn’t been filed yet..not for any other reason than being busy from my end. I have a BF now… I am getting a lot of disapproval from my friends and family for dating someone while I am not even divorced. Is it something really bad? I have submitted the papers for divorce already now which will take 6 months at least. In the meantime the criticism from my peers and family is ruining my mental peace. Is it that bad to have a BF while I am separated and living on my own?

    #591783 Reply

    Omi G

    Well, technically you are STILL VOWED TO THIS MAN on paper. To some that is bad because you have not settled your divorce properly. I personally would not date a man who wasn’t divorced on paper because of that reason. Just because you are separated doesn’t mean anything, I understand that both sides have moved on but that’s not what’s shown. It’s a proper way of ending things and being respectful to the person you are dating.

    #591786 Reply

    L

    You have time to have a BF but not to file paperwork for a divorce?

    #591787 Reply

    L

    Ahhh. You DId find time to file! Why didn’t your husband file them for two years?!

    #591788 Reply

    Linda

    Kristy, I was separated for 4 years before I filed for divorce, just like you there was no real reason other than procrastination. Some people probably frown on it because you are starting a new chapter in your life before legally ending the other one. I personally don’t date anyone who is only separated because you never know! They may at some point reconsider and want to get back with the X for any number of reasons. You said you already have a boyfriend, I’m guessing he is ok with your situation? That’s all that should matter. I stopped explaining to people why I had not filed for divorce because they didn’t believe anyway.

    #591791 Reply

    Khadija

    You’re getting the raised eyebrows and criticism because you didn’t finish one relationship before getting into another one.

    Although you are living on your own, you’re still technically married. I’m willing to bet most of these people are wondering if this relationship started when you were not separated.

    Now you’ve officially filed so that’s a step in the right direction. Live your life and try your best not let this get you down.

    #591792 Reply

    Jen

    It is lazy and insensitive to your current husband and now ‘bf’ but it’s your life. Why do you care what anyone says? It obviously hasn’t bothered you for over two years.

    #591801 Reply

    Kristy

    Yes I’ll say this is laziness on my behalf but my husband didn’t want to file it due to two reasons, 1) he didn’t want to pay for the lawyers fees and waste his time with the lawyers 2) he wanted to show the world that I am the one filling for the divorce. My BF does know I am not divorced yet and he is supportive and helping me find a good lawyer. His divorce just got finalized over last week he received his final papers. I myself don’t feel good about this whole situation as we are adults in our mid thirties and interested in getting married not just to have a gf/Bf relationship. It is unfortunate that I met a perfect guy before I ended my first relationship. My BF has all the qualities I was seeking for the longest time in my husband.

    We make our lives sometimes so complicated and the peer pressure is make it even worse.

    #592090 Reply

    Rachel

    I don’t understand the issues here. If you are separated and just haven’t got around to officially divorcing there’s no hidden agendas anywhere. I split from my now ex husband, I was then single for 18 months, and then met someone who had been separated the same amount of time. In the uk (i dont know about anywhere else) you have to be seperated for at least 2 years before you can divorce by mutual agreement (no unreasonable behaviour etc) so it was only after that time had elapsed that my husband and I decided to divorce. The split was amicable though so maybe that was the difference, but it certainly wasn’t disrespectful to him or my now fiance, everyone knew the score and we were all clear that we were over our respective exes.

    #592094 Reply

    Helen

    Kristy, you picked the wrong place to get support on this issue unfortunately. The girls here are highly judgmental on this subject for the most part. I”m with Rachel, I don’t see the issue. Ignore all the judgment, including here. You haven’t lied to him about your status and your marriage is truly over in all but name. So what?? All this moralizing is irrelevant. No one else’s business but yours and his. If someone has a problem with it, let it live where it originates: with them not you. It’s 2017, not 1947 or something. Get on with the divorce now and be happy with your guy in the meantime.

    #592100 Reply

    Hannah

    Well I’m not going to judge. My parents met when my dad was separated, so I wouldn’t exist if my mother had been put off by the fact he wasn’t divorced!

    I’m in the UK too and it’s very common here because divorce is a long, expansive process. It took my friend 8 years to divorce her husband. She’d had 2 kids with someone else by the time she was legally free of the ex!

    If you’re happy and your boyfriend doesn’t have an issue with it, there’s no problem! Just ignore any mean comments from friends and family. Or tell them to mind their own business!

    #592101 Reply

    Hannah

    *expensive!

    #592109 Reply

    Jen

    Not sure where you live but it doesn’t take a lawyer to file for a simple divorce. I did my own. You just file with the court and as long as you can agree on how to split the assets it isn’t a big deal.

    So the hiring lawyer was BS. He was holding out to see if you would change your mind. Mine ex held off for a year making excuses around settling.

    I find it interesting that whenever someone disagrees with a persons point of view they call it ‘judgmental’

    And it has nothing to do with what decade we live in. Everyone has their own opinions on right and wrong. Maybe the people who are all down on the ‘judgmental’ comments have a chip on their shoulder because you are being just as judgmental.

    #592115 Reply

    Lane

    Every separation is different, its not always black and white. If your BF isn’t offended by it then why should your family or friends care? I would tell them to mind their own beeswax. Its your life and if the decisions you make have no negative impact on it (e.g. not in a rush to get a divorce), then it really doesn’t matter what they think or believe.

    You filed and its the step in the right direction if you and your BF decide to get married at some point in time.

    #592118 Reply

    Sherri

    I think it is based on your mental and emotional state of mind. I personally prefer not to date guys who are not divorced yet as in my experience they are not mentally ready to start a new relationship. They are just looking for that validation from the opposite sex. That being said, I also am wary of guys who have been in LTRs and have recently broken up as the same rule applies for that as well IMO irrespective that they never married the girl.

    If you are sure that you have mentally moved on from your marriage and are legally separated, and this is the case for both of you, then I do not see anything wrong in you having a bf.

    #592121 Reply

    Rachel

    I didn’t make any comments about being judgmental at all, just stated it’s a long process, actually getting divorced (in the UK anyway). The moral high ground just seems a bit odd when you can clearly be over someone without having the piece of paper to prove it, in much the same was as you can love someone without having the piece of paper to prove it. As ling as it’s all open and all parties know the state of play I don’t think it matters

    #592125 Reply

    sunny

    i have got on this site after a long time. what i have noticed is that many posters now have become moral guardians of everyone, very judgemental and keep bashing up the OP..comeon give the lady a break. she is separated from her husband but not divorced.. does that mean she cant fall in love again or have serious relationship? why not? she is not cheating and neither is she lying. so why not??

    #592131 Reply

    Helen

    Jen, simply disagreeing with someone or having another point of view is not judgmental. However statements like: “It is lazy and insensitive to your current husband” involve making a judgment. In your world that is true, in others worlds that is not true. Name calling and labelling is judgmental and unnecessary. You give some good advice and you tell it straight and you also make statements that are extremely judgmental, which is why people object to you so often. Sunny, you sure are right about the moral guardian thing. This place has gotten to be a real drag lately due to this.It is possible to tell it straight without judging and name calling. People come here because they are confused and dont’ understand men. I think people lose sight of that.

    #592132 Reply

    Helen

    Rachel, Americans have no fault divorce and if there are no major issues or children involved it can be done very quickly. They don’t understand the English system at all.

    By the time I left my husband, I was well over it and the relationship was DOA. I was dating 6 months after I left – I was very clear with men I went out with I was separated, the divorce was in process and there was no turning back. I took another year for me to meet my current guy. That worked for me. I agree that with men it can take longer. They dont’ have the ways to process the pain of divorce the way that we girls do. My boyfriend is divorced and not damaged from it at all. It is possible.

    #592136 Reply

    Kristy

    I met this guy through online dating and my profile clearly stated I am separated and I have two kids involved too. Tons of guys were pretending to be ok even the unmarried ones with my present situation but this man won my heart. Things moved relatively faster as we both have intentions of getting married as soon as my divorce is finalized.

    I should be separated for a year in order to file for divorce in north america. Women surely do handle divorces differently. We cry our eyes out in the beginning and heal completely. I believe most of the women would never leave marriage just like that. It takes a lot for a woman to be done with it. I was at that point where I said it is enough now and had to leave. I come from a very conservative background where my parents are embarrassed about my situation right now. But leaving 13 years old marriage wasn’t easy. Sure no physical abuse was there but there was no connection, no husband and wife relationship, sexual relationship was almost non existent and overall I was turning into a nasty unhappy and ugly person. I wasn’t productive at all, wasn’t paying attention towards the kids too much and it was all due to my unhappiness in my marriage.

    I didn’t start dating right away took a long time more than a year and a half to even start the dating world and after just 4 dates with different men I found my present partner. Sure everyone will say it is too soon or what do you know about this man but I can say every day I am learning about this man and I am falling for him more and more. I never thought I could be happy the way I am right now.

    Thank you all for your support and making me feel even stronger love you all.
    P.S I don’t mind criticism on my post, I know their intention isn’t to judge it is just their way of expressing themselves. Every person is different.

    xoxo

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