selfish selfish SELFISH but theres no way out!please help!

Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals selfish selfish SELFISH but theres no way out!please help!

This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tanya 9 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #653958 Reply


    i have a younger brother who is 2 years younger than me. He is 25 a typical leo. very very arrogant over confident looks down upon me even though ive achieved far more. he is detached from my family doesnt accompany is on a single occasion whether its a movie or dinner its always no. he became like this when he was 14 and its only gone down hill. he barely talks to my dad mom or me. hes takes his cash on the daily is out of the house comes home to simply bang his room door shut or put his headphones on and start gaming. he pretends he cant hear my mom even on simple questions and talk just the bare minimum. i came back from the usa and he didnt even ask me how my trip was. its shocking and will make anyone blood boil as to how selfish and self centred a human being can be. if i put my foot down and make him accompany us he will make us spend double on food and leave the second hes done saying his friends are calling. Hes lead a very cushioned life never left the city, lived in a hostel nothing. he isnt street smart and just spends all day running behind any friend who will give him an hour here and there. ud think hed learn from watching his friends who all have hobbies, work out, have their gfs/bfs, families jobs basically lives which they are busy in and along with that friends but he doesnt see that he treats his family like trash only to run behind them who treat him like trash. now hes applying for colleges in the usa and none of his numerous friends can even help him with basic guidance so he was completely lost seeing his helplessness and knowing his ego my mum asked me and i went all out. scouted out colleges, wrote down pages and pages of requirements per college by hand , stayed up all night cross checking stuff and proof read his essays even helped mum with the bank documents. and he keeps maintaining that arrogant behaviour with me to my shock snapped at me yesterday rather barked at me on something so silly i was appalled at the unwarranted reaction . my mum had to ask him to come say thank u for the all the help which he came and did halfheartedly which was sickening. if someone was even helping me quarter of this i wouldn’t stop saying thank u and his reaction to all my help is literally like i never asked for ur help and u dont have to help i can manage all of this on my own so get lost. i feel like a fool. and all his applications cost 100 dollars and hes sending ten! thats alot of money. his education is going to cost 70,000 dollars upwards. and he couldn’t care less. my mum said just do it cuz its dads money and u dont want him to screw it up. with that in mind im doing all the donkey work cuz this is so expensive and he couldn’t care less . he hasn’t put in any effort ive done everything for him if i ask him to sit with me hes so restless trying to wrap it that i feel its better i just do it properly with a cool peaceful mind without him rushing me getting restless and annoyed cuz this money means nothing to him. infact he just returned from a vacation and is talking about going for another one all by himself with india knowing how much money we are spending on him for his further education! its almost like he doesnt deserve it at all! and he will be starting college in jan if all goes well. We are half way through the applications and he literally comes and tells me id sent u that email read it like hes ordering me!!! hes ungrateful, selfish, all this money going to be spent on him but im scared to confront him and create a hostile environment cuz hes egos so big he will just shut me out of the remaining application process and we cant afford to let him screw up!this is so convenient cuz hes taking in all the help and guidance, hes completely lost without it but with a couldn’t care less attitude that who ask for ur help anyways…im really lost how to deal with him!he has no affection attachment or responsibility towards us..its just not there from within..that really breaks my heart but now it angers me. how do i deal with this situation? please excuse me for my grammar i got really carried away furiously typing.

    #653961 Reply


    Your folks need to deal with him,not you. Just drop helping. All of you are enabling him to be useless and lazy and self-centered-not doing him any favours. Your folks should kick him out.

    #653964 Reply


    You posted before and there is nothing else we can tell you. We told you to ignore him and not help and you are doing the opposite! What did you expect? That he would have a personality change over night? I am sorry you are going through this your brother sounds horrible. The good news is he will soon be gone, hopefully, so at least your help will pay off. Think of that gone for at least four years! It is possible he will mature in the US. But it is also possible he is just a miserable person and will always be that way. If so your best bet is trying to help him get a job in the US, or at least into grad school. If he doesn’t change the best you can do is get him as far away from you and your parents as possible. Seriously when the time comes look into helping getting him a job. For now, just count down the days to January. And keep helping him so he will be gone.

    #653969 Reply


    okay…. thank you for the advice

    #653972 Reply


    I’m so sorry, Tanya, your brother sounds just awful.

    Why are you doing all this for him? It doesn’t help you and it doesn’t help him. Why don’t you just stop and say he’s on his own from now on? I realize your mother wants you to help and there is some pressure, but can you make a stand–say you don’t think it’s helpful to him to have everything handed to him, and he’s 25 and needs to be able to take care of this stuff himself?

    You need to remove yourself from this unhealthy dynamic however you can. Can you move away and get some space in your life, so you’re not physically present and these expectations won’t be placed on you? I’m not kidding. Can you take a job abroad? It sounds like you need some distance from your family, at least for a while in order to get healthy and learn how to interact with them. Have you tried therapy yet?

    #653973 Reply


    Also, try paragraphs!! ;-)

    #653974 Reply


    Sorry, this is your parents fault for raising a spoiled, disrespectful, entitled, selfish little sh!t.

    I would tell your parents you are done helping him since he can’t even be a decent human being.

    Let them deal with him and avoid him as much as possible.

    He is disrespectful because you all enable and ALLOW it. He has no respect for any of you because you don’t require it.

    Good luck to him getting through college and life like this. Your parents have not taught him accountability or personal responsibility, so he will continue like this until life or someone kicks his smarmy little butt.

    Hopefully sooner rather than later.

    #653984 Reply


    I would not send a person to college who did not do the work to get in. Who says he will do the work to stay there?

    He has something to prove to you and his family. That he deserves help…you cannot do this for him….where does he ever learn to do it for himself?

    #653987 Reply


    Ah you’ve posted before haven’t you?

    You and your mother are still enabling your brother’s behaviour. He’ll never learn to stand on his own 2 feet if ge doesn’t have to. You’re both over mothering him. Remember a child has to fall a lot to learn to walk. You’ve never let him fall.

    Saying that, it’s best for you and your family if he gets into college and away from you. I would keep helping him get into college but do it knowing you’re doing it for you and your family, not him. Tell him that is he gets ungrateful again.

    Once he’s gone, he’ll have to learn to stand on his own 2 feet. He may not. He may be a bum and fail at college. Or he may develop into a responsible man. Either way, he’s off your back for a while.

    Seriously though, once you’ve helped him with his application, don’t help him with anything else. Stop mothering him and leave him alone or you and your mother are going to create a nasty, selfish, mean person who won’t respect women.

    #654023 Reply


    Your parents have created a monster and it is up to them to fix this! It’s called tough love and they shouldn’t have waited 25 years before they started it!! Guess what…he couldn’t afford to hang out all day with his friends or go on vacations if your parents CUT OFF THE MONEY supply! It’s very simple. And no I would not be helping him get into college and waste $70,000 on someone who wouldn’t even take the initiative to fill out the damn applications! That’s ridiculous. I would make him get a job and tell him he was now responsible for paying rent, utilities, etc at the house. I would then put that money away in an account and tell him your parents are willing to match whatever money he can save for college to help him pay for it. Let him work for it, so he has some skin in the game. Then he can go for one semester, see how his grades are and they can then decide if they are willing to pay the remaining cost. A college education is a privilege. It is not a given right and it’s certainly not wise to spend $70,000 on what I would consider a bad investment at this point.

    #654049 Reply


    ive always been the bad one who speaks up and calls it out for what it is. im not jealous im being completely honest that this is so wrong. but with my dad working abroad mom says that he doesn’t have a male support system, is sensitive and just hides it. a cousin committed suicide last year so i almost think twice before speaking too harshly but this doesn’t mean we tiptoe around him scared to piss him off cuz he might do something all the while ignoring the fact that he is ungrateful and selfish and thats not okay.

    im not for the excuses at all and yes i have posted before but i was honestly in a dilemma over whether i should abandon him in the middle of his college applications. trust me im tempted to ..the guy doesn’t even talk to me and im up all night for him and hes being coached to come say thank u. i get how entitled he is and the surprise factor in all of this is that i have to pay for half his education. i shouldn’t say it but honestly he doesn’t deserve it and i dont deserve to pay for half of it .this is like a horrible joke. i would never want to do anything for a selfish and in your face rude person like him who just talks to u if he needs something. and the arrogance!oh my god i dont even understand why is he so arrogant.

    mum has asked me to just help him through which i will as u guys suggested and hope it all turns out well…and then see how things go..i dont have much choice…but it looks like im stuck in this mess for the long haul. noone helped me with my applications …sometimes i feel its better to be selfish cuz otherwise u just keep giving to the point that its unhealthy and the moment u refuse ur looked at with so much shock cuz its not expected from u but the other one keeps getting away cuz noone expects anything from him anyways and this is very very tiring . thank u all again. i really appreciate it

    #654147 Reply


    I get that this guy does’t deserve college. But the parents are the only ones who can do something and they are choosing not to. Hence it is in the sister’s best interest to help get this guy in college and out of her life.

    #654154 Reply


    “i get how entitled he is and the surprise factor in all of this is that i have to pay for half his education. i shouldn’t say it but honestly he doesn’t deserve it and i dont deserve to pay for half of it .this is like a horrible joke.”

    umm, why? why do you HAVE TO pay half of his education. You are his sibling. Umm why?

    #654163 Reply


    I’m not sure if this a cultural thing, because I remember your first post. But I also do not understand why YOU would have to pay anything for your brothers education.

    Your entire family sounds dysfunctional. The best advice I can give you is to get away from all of them and go live your life. Without giving you obnoxious turd of a brother a thing.

    #654179 Reply


    It happens more often than we know when parents “sacrifice” one sibling for the sake of another who is troubled or unwell in some ways. My parents did exactly that and I don’t blame them, I understand why they did it. Maybe I should have complained and asked for more, maybe this would have made them realize that I was neglected, but I didn’t complain. It is against my nature to demand things and ask for them, but now I think that a certain degree of this is needed. You do need to ask for what you need, especially if you are being treated unfairly and being denied something normal.

    With your brother, you did everything you could to help him get accepted into a college. This was very nice of you, he is lucky to have a sister like you. But do not let him or your parents use you, neglecting your needs. Why should you pay for him? Stand up for yourself, refuse to pay for his education, say that you have your “rights” too. I believe that if I had done this with my parents they would have actually changed things. I believe they were so deeply absorbed with his troubles, which were big big troubles, that a “normal” child (me) was simply forgotten in all this mess.

    That’s why I am telling you, do not let them use you. Someone has to protect YOU. If they aren’t’ doing it, then you do it yourself. Hugs and best wishes to you.

    #654194 Reply


    Wow I missed you are paying for his college. No way! My new advice would be to find your way to another country via school or some other excuse. I get the impression you can’t move out and live by yourself where you are now. But couldn’t you like get your PhD in the Europe or the US or something? I guess if your brother leaves and you have to pay that is that and maybe you should stay. But honestly you seem in a horrible situation and deserve better.

    #654198 Reply


    You don’t “have” to do anything. Everything you do is a choice.

    #654232 Reply


    Yes it is very much a huge cultural thing. Which is why kicking him out of the house, or me leaving and getting away is not even an option. Its just how it is. Im working hard for my exams to get a residency in the US where now my brother will also be. I will be working there while he will be studying further.

    Watching me work my way and find a way to study and work further without being a burden to my hard working parents he just took the cream out of the situation and said even he wants to go abroad. I had to explain the difference between his studying there and me working there. But with his degree there are no related job opportunities in the US unless you first study there and then get a job if you are that good.

    My mum feels he needs to get out and see how life really is and that will change him for the better. He needs the exposure.But, such expensive exposure? Now if I speak like this im jealous…so i didnt speak. She feels the siblings will be in one country where w can have an eye on him and keep him accountable. My parents will have to come to one place to meet the both of us.

    And because i will be doing well i have to pay a little every month and over 3 years pay atleast HALF of his tuition. This will lessen the load from what Dads already spent and i cant say no. If not me then who. And im such a sucker for my parents. I understand they want the best for him. In all of this theres only one winner and its my brother. Really makes me bitter about how selfish people get away though.

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