says 'he'll be in touch'….WTF???


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  • #466937 Reply
    Teri

    So my guy of 3 months…..
    Week before last I asked him if he’s free this past weekend. He said he’d let me know. In the meantime we hung out the Monday prior to and spoke everyday. He never did let me know but my schedule filled up with kids activities that weekend and I wasn’t as available as I thought I’d be. Still he never got back to me.
    I went along with my weekend and didn’t contact him. I”m still tryna get use to letting them contact you so this wasn’t easy. He usually does but the Friday morning when we spoke he asked what do I have going on the weekend and I said lots of stuff w the kids. He just said ok. I didn’t bring up the fact that he never got back to me. Because when I leave something in someone’s court, I leave it there. If he forgot, or whatever I’ll never know.

    Monday morning I get his GM text, and I respond in order with a GM. I got busy at work and later called him that evening. He said he was wondering why he didn’t hear from me that weekend but since I tol him i’d be busy w the kids he was like yeah ok.

    Now this week his son is returning home from out of state and he just had a new grandbaby last night (sent me the beautiful pics, she’s adorable) so said he’d be busy with the family this week and he’ll be in touch. Does this mean I should wait for him to reach out? he said he prolly won’t have time until next week? this will be the first week of not seeing him since we met and I want to wait for him to contact but I just don’t know if he’s blowing me off or not?

    Keep in mind this is the guy who doesn’t talk much (read my other posts) as it is so its’ hard to figure out if he’s waiting on me to be in touch or not. I have made plans otherwise for the day I was going to see him but it just got me wondering is all.

    Any suggestions here? could this be a blow off waiting to happen?

    #466941 Reply
    Khadija

    Teri,
    Again you are thinking way too much into this one. He told you he has welcomed a new grandchild and will be busy with the family.

    What else more was he suppose to say? He was clear with you.

    I know you remember what life was like before you met him since it’s only been 3 months. No big deal that you won’t see him this week, just think he’ll have a chance to miss you. That’s a good thing.

    From what I can see you two have full lives and you make it work. This week his plate was a lot fuller and he couldn’t accommodate you. Let this go it’s not a blow off.

    #466942 Reply
    Leigh

    Yes, let him contact you. When he says he will be in touch, let him prove that. I think he will but you will have to let it go. Trust me and I know how hard it is to let go.

    #466954 Reply
    MsAqua

    You sound like such a lovely lady (I’ve read a couple of your posts/comments), so I mean this in the nicest possible way: you need to chill out! Seems like you’ve been fretting the last week or two (that notorious 3 month mark?), and if you’re not careful this is going to start seeping through into this relationship – he will start feeling it, you know? From what I’ve read in your other posts he seems like a nice, decent fella. Khadija and Leigh both gave good advice about letting him miss you/stay true to his word.

    #466962 Reply
    Miss independent

    Let him follow through with getting in touch with you do not contact him. Get busy doing other things to keep your mind off of this guy sure he will come around..

    #466963 Reply
    Sunisrising

    I agree with all the other ladies. Relax. Take a deep breath. My BF of 4 1/2 months love to manage my expectations and will always let me know what’s up ahead week to week. Granted he’s very consistent with texts and calls but like many other women, I have had those moments of fretting but I try my hardest to keep it to myself. I keep reminding myself that I was fine before I met him and when the relationship was early on – I lived by the moment, one day at a time attitude and I know that’s why he keeps coming back no matter what’s going in his life, work, family, etc… He sees me as his Zen place. It’s very hard because we all know us women with all our emotions and hormones but I just keep reminding myself to act just like when I first met and went on dates with him before we became bf/gf. I apply the 30-60-90 days and repeat.

    #466966 Reply
    Teri

    Khadija – I knew it. I felt like I was reading too much and that thought scares me. I feel like I should always be on alert since coming to this forum. you know watching for red
    flags, signs of this or the other……

    Leah – he will miss me, he already said so. and vice versa.

    MsAqua – I’m normally a very “chill” person thanks for the compliment and for following my posts. I must sound nutty recently huh? He is nice, decent, simple fella. IDK why I’m tripping :(

    I needed to hear that!! all of that you all are saying is true and you know what since I been on this forum and reading ever’body story about ghosting, and no contact, and the rules of this and that its got me weirded out. Maybe I need to leave this forum alone for a while but I have learned so much and enjoy sharing my story to help others thru hard times as well.

    I’ll wait for him to reach out, Lord knows I got enough to keep me busy.

    #466975 Reply
    Sweetspicy

    I respectfully disagree. If this man is committed to you and is your boyfriend, just ask him what level of contact he wants. Like an adult. I like this, what do you like?

    If he is not your boyfriend yet at 3 months, he is not going to be so end it.

    #466978 Reply
    Khadija

    Teri,
    I understand how the forum can get you paranoid but, you have to really trust your guy and know that whatever happens is for the best.

    Let the forum be the guide to help you but, it’s not the bible or set in stone for everyone’s life.

    I’m glad you share your story with us. By all means if, you think things are getting you all paranoid then take a break. We’ll be here when you come back:)

    #466991 Reply
    Teri

    @sweetspicy – he’s a guy I’m dating. no one said anything about commitmment or bf/gf. I don’t even know if I want that title yet at this point. I’m still getting to know him but thanks for your input.

    #466993 Reply
    Teri

    @Khadijah – this is true. different strokes for different folks right?

    @sweetspicy – your comment was a bit annoying. so I’m coming back, has it ever occurred to you that maybe not all of us here are looking for titles and in that case a nice girl/guy companionship is sufficient. why should I end it?

    #467001 Reply
    sweetspicy

    I cannot tell you what to do and what not to do…. But you seem in a weird limbo. Mirroring is for when he is courting you, not for when you are in a relationship. If you are in a relationship, meaning you define that however you want to – you should be able to have a conversation about what level of communication you both want and who should be calling whom.

    Men claim the women they are interested in building a life with – or should I say, men who want to boyfriends act like boyfriends. They act interested and make sure you know you are being integrated into their life and vice versa. That should happen most likely by 8 weeks, by more than 12 weeks. This is based on advise from male dating coaches like Evan Marc Katz and some others.

    Why I say you are in limbo – you are stuck in between – so, either he is still courting you, which is getting to a point of being much too long. Or he is your boyfriend (or at least in your life and growing the relationship) and you should be able to talk about how to communicate and preferences without drama.

    Make sense?

    #467012 Reply
    MsAqua

    haha I don’t think you sound nutty, just that you’re getting so concerned with the “rules” that the organic process might be undermined soon. So I get what you’re saying about the forum kinda being a bit of a downer/planting seeds of worry in some ways – recently someone on here basically implied that there’s no way my situation could (have) work(ed) out in my favour (it’s an ongoing process, so hell, who knows how it’s going to work out, but so far so good). I had a bit of an “errr, okaay then” moment, because everything has been going the way it’s meant to (according to what I read on here lol), and I resolved to sticking to my gut in stead of being influenced by negative thinking/start questioning things that doesn’t need to be questioned.
    I’m not naive, nor an idiot – I really just believe in the organic process/trusting my instincts.

    That being said, even though I can’t relate (culturally, especially) to everything on here, I find it interesting, and I have “experimented” a little bit with what is said on here, and I might incorporate some things into my life at some point if it doesn’t feel too weird to me, so I definitely acknowledge the positives of the forum too – I think it can be very helpful for younger women/those still coming into their own in particular. Some of the basics on here I learned the hard way back when I was a teen/early 20s, so yeah.

    Anyway, yeah, maybe cut down your ANM time – I tend to check in once or twice a week.
    Oh, and I love what you wrote, Sunisrising.

    #467023 Reply
    Sunisrising

    Thank you MsAqua! I also agree with you that young women can really benefit here and I wished this site was around when I was “growing up” coming into my own. Boy! Could I have saved myself from heartaches and also protected my self-esteem and develop strong self-confidence, boundaries, and high standards – YES!!!

    I implore those women who come here and seeking advice or certain clarity to heed to what they can learn from here. Yes, different strokes for different folks. Take the good and leave out the bad. Whatever works for your particular situation but for the most part, identify the real “lesson” from what you’re experiencing. Take your pride and ego out of the equation and familiarize yourself with obvious red flags. Arm yourself with lessons from the past. Otherwise, you end up repeating the same pattern of heartaches and disappointments. I find the if you have boundaries and standards you set for yourself, you will be better positioned to weed out the Mr. Wrongs!!!

    Btw, I shared that 30-60-90 days relationship principle to my boyfriend and he agrees that if two people would just take the time to really make sure they don’t fall in the pattern of taking each other for granted because it feels you can start to relax once you’re in a relationship, that is actually a recipe for disaster. Why not repeat the first 90 days over and over. It’s not only exciting but also fun. And it’s not an original idea, it’s from this very old couple that Rori Raye I think features in one of her topics.

    #467026 Reply
    Sunisrising

    *featured

    #467040 Reply
    hannah

    Teri, there are no rules and what is a red flag in one relationship isn’t in another.

    We’re all individuals, have our own needs and expectations. For eexample I dated a very genuinely busy guy who had hardly any time for me but I knew adored me. For a lot of women, that would have been unacceptable. For me it worked fine and we had a great time.

    I think the main “rules” are do what makes you happy and you are comfortable with, don’t give your heart to someone who hasn’t given his to you, actually listen to what the guy is saying to you and assume the best.

    In your case I can see no red flags. He most likely forgot you mentioned that date and there wouldn’t have been any harm in reminding him. He’s told you he’s busy this week and that’s great…he’s keeping you involved and communicating well. These are all good signs!

    #467216 Reply
    Teri

    @sunisrising – I agree that this site shoulda been avail when I was in my 20-30’s. who knows what I coulda spared myself from. By the same token we live and learn right? if life is our best school then I’ve graduated top of my class.

    @sweetspicy – again with the rules. Let me just clarify for you that I’m not ready for a bf/gf thing now. I’m comfortable with the arrangement as it is and it fits our lifestyle. having been married 3x already a lot of these rules your listing do not fit my bill. 30 days this? 12 weeks that? If I were looking for someone to share my life with now that may be something to think about but I”m just enjoying the time we spend together and wherever it goes and how long it takes is a non issue. I’ve got two young (under 10) kids to think about and dating is more like a passtime for me. Just having a steady guy around is enough with or without titles. Also I’m not trying to get him communicate any different than he already does. He’s nearly 60 so his style is his style and I accept it. I also have my style and would hate for him to tell me that he’d prefer me to communicate different than I already do. He has made it clear how he feels about me so am not worried – Make sense? :)

    @Hannah – I like how you put that. You hit the nail on the head. And yes he is keeping me involved and communicating like he said. I’m totally fine with that. I also have another guy friend that is completely opposite of this one and I’m learning to accept them both the way they are. as they each bring out the best in me on different levels.

    #467230 Reply
    Xyz

    Terri

    Here is what I see as the issue. You SAY you are ok without title of bf/gf and that you want to just roll with it and have fun. Well… It sure doesn’t seem like you are having fun, because you have at least three threads so far about this man and it’s only been 3 months and no commitment.

    Here is my point. If you truly don’t care.. Then stop fretting and over analyzing. Just enjoy the time you do spend together. And if you want to call him, then do so. You are describing more of a casual set up but are trying to play by relationship setting rules.

    I think you first have to be honest about what you really want.

    Then use whatever strategy to work at getting there..Lc it’s meant to be.

    You have two young kids and see to want everything on your own terms…. I believe you are going to have to stop having expectations and be more flexible if all you want is a date and sex buddy when your not already busy with work and kids.

    #467231 Reply
    Xyz

    Users to want it all in your terms and schedule…

    #467247 Reply
    Teri

    xyz- You are describing more of a casual set up but are trying to play by relationship setting rules.

    You may have a point here ‘xyz’. So can someone tell me the difference? Ya know break it down for me. I’m so not good at this as ya’ll can tell by now. To me a relationship is two people who enjoy ea others company (working , personal, spiritual etc) to whatever degree they determine the level based on what the need and goal is. There’e are many types of relationships. That being said maybe I don’t know what “casual” really is because am not use to the labels I been reading around here.

    Honestly I’m not ready for a commitment so to speak b/c I am keeping my options open. When I met this particular fella I was caught off guard and we just happen to hit it off. I came on this forum and see all the different terms, labels, rules etc and yes maybe I am trying to apply relationship rules to a casual thing and that makes sense since I never had to use titles before, or at least back in the day it wasn’t so much of a deal as it seems to be now. When people say things like oh its been 3months where are you going? or its too long to not be committed by now?? Frankly where this is going and the pace is fine with me I only start tripping when I read these other threads and compare them to my own situation.

    I also think that I should be in a serious type deal simply because its what I’ve been accustom to with multiple marriages. If what I describe here and in other threads is casual then ok, call it that but its still a type of relationship.
    I care b/c I care, I can’t not care about the person I’m involved with to some degree—-that’s just cold n mean. As a result I tend to fret and overanalyze everything – its a personality trait I guess. But to not have expectations well that’s not gonna happen. I expect courtesy, appreciation, communication, basic manners n respect etc. some guys don’t even give that and things never end well in those cases.

    XYZ – thanks for that input it is appreciated and look to read more from others who may chime in.

    #467250 Reply
    Xyz

    I’m sure everyone will have different ideas about this.

    To me… A committed relationship means you are a couple, you may or may not marry, but have made the joint decision to commit physically and spiritually and sometimes financially to one another. To me this is not casual.

    Casual to me, means that you may or may not be exclusive but you haven’t really made the leap to commit. It means you always have one foot out the door. You are less apt to try to work out issues, you may decide over time you want to start seeing what else is out there. It’s a limbo zone. It means that there is no conscious decision or discussion to fully commit. You each are free agents and have to be comfortable that either can end it without all that much reason other than wanting to move on.

    Now I am not naive to say that committed relationships don’t dissolve or deteriorate. So that’s not my point. But I do believe that even when you look at couples who never marry and live together or are together as a couple for 20 years! Fall under the committed category, versus many of the posts on here about women in shorter term ‘relationships’ without any true sense of where they stand.

    #467262 Reply
    Teri

    oh wow ok and that majes sense to me – by that of your opinion then yea this is basically casual then. I can see how and where I get confused.

    2years ago I made the mistake (dated a guy online right before my divorce) anyway i was treating him like relationship material from the jump and kept wondering why he was distant and uncaring to me. when i asked him if he had feelings for me he said honestly, i don’t have deep feeling but i do enjoy time with you. Went on to say he has no expectations and he wants to go with the flow. Even tho I hated that term, I wasn’t upset as I kinda felt that just needed to hear it and we were ok after that. I didn’t expect anymore and he didn’t give anymore. I broke off shortly after b/c he left the country without so much as a goodbye text/call. But again if that was a casual thing then I shoulda expected that right? I didn’t know better. After a long final text that he replied to upon his return is when he said he was out of country on a job. I asked him a few months prior to that when he told me he may be going overseas I asked him to let me know when he’s leaving and he didn’t. That was just plain rude. However it wasn’t the first time he’d done that and it was not a big deal to him but it was to me b/c I thought we were in a serious relationship in my head.

    My older daughter actually tries to help me see the difference as well and what you said “xyz” is kinda what she said.

    Thing is after being in a marriage for longtime we don’t know how to do ‘casual’ we have to learn it so that’s what I guess I”m doing here. I do like casual right now, and again I fret and care by nature but my heart is not totally into this guy like I know it could be if I wanted to.

    #754213 Reply
    Over it

    Sounds just like this guy I’m seeing but then again the relationship is complicated it’s sad cause I really like him I’m trying to just let it go hopefully all this will pass soon I’m told I’m attractive a lot of guys would like to date me but I’m so stuck on but I’m just letting him hurt my feelings and play his games like he does eventually I will walk away from it or maybe if I just see other people it’ll be easier

    #754215 Reply
    Louise

    Over it, why don’t you start a new thread and tell us your story? It might help to write it all out.

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