Roller coaster man.


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This topic contains 26 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  redcurleysue 1 month ago.

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  • #698136 Reply

    Sophia

    Hi, long story short, we’ve been dating for almost 3 years. With lots of ups and downs, lately things were better though.

    When we are at our best, he never has enough from me, he even asks about marriage (not right now) , etc…but then he suffocates and I feel like crap because I can never understand why.

    So this happened recently, I had a business travel and I was out for a week, he acted like if he couldn’t live without me. I got a lot of messages and calls, he asked me for pictures , etc…this was just a couple of weeks ago.

    Then yesterday he didn’t contact me at all, I admit, I was a bit drama queen and complained about it, I know it wasn’t right, but I think his reaction was wow…he told me that maybe he was busy, that I think his life turns around me and that he needs a break because I suffocate him. The same guy that sent me thousend of messages a couple of weeks before while I was working, now makes me feel like if I’m a pain in the ass.

    I asked him if he wants to break up, he said no, just a few days at his own.

    Now I feel bad and I need to see him and talk, but it is clear he doesn’t want that, so I must deal with my emotions, I start to have doubts about our relation since it seems he goes from 100 to 0 back and forth. And I can’t help wondering IF i do something bad.



    #698139 Reply

    Smile4me

    Hey Sophia,

    It’s been 1 day since he contacted you right? maybe wait it out a bit. he seems to be really into you and that one lash out you might have had could be nothing to him but I don’t know.

    However he needs some time to think, so give him a few days and then casually say ‘Hi’ again see where things pick up from.

    I was told once that to love someone you have to learn to live without them. <3

    #698140 Reply

    Smile4me


    Also before you blame yourself, It’s not your fault. a relationship is about two people so if anything is wrong it’s those two people’s fault not just one.

    (Of course this excludes certain things :\ like cheaters or something)

    So wait it out, go do your own thing for a bit, pick up things you left because you were with him and go out with friends. Don’t keep on thinking about it to much, if it ends it ends it only means you learned a great bit. <3

    Don’t want to make it depressing, but focus on you and see what happens.

    #698141 Reply

    Newbie

    Are you the same Sophia who left us hanging here after the guy asked for a two week break because he couldnt decide if he wanted to live together? Man we were waiting for weeks😄
    Your relationship sounds unpleasant in the sense that its all on his terms. When you are out, he goed wild into messaging you and when he is not feeling it, he goes distant.
    Of course, people are not robots, but there has to be some basic level where you both feel secure and he is not providing that. If after 3 years and a few days silence you feel inclined to ask if he wants to break up, then there is something wrong. I rhink you do give him all the power and let his emotions set the tone for the relationship. But i couldnt handle this honestly and i would be done with it

    #698142 Reply

    Smile4me


    Well, I kind of agree with Newbie on that.
    If you are the same Sophia then I would advise to take some distance and see.

    #698143 Reply

    Sophia

    No, I’m not, haha, it shouldn’t be able to have the same nicknames, it can be confusing.

    Smile4me, I’m giving him the days he needs of course, is just that I can’t understand a thing anymore, I was reading Eric and Sabrina and it seems is not that weird when this happens, but so much?? I can’t help blaming me too.

    #698145 Reply

    Newbie

    But even if youre not the same person, my feeling about this is still the same. If you are insecure, in convincing mode, blaming yourself etc, then there is no good foundation. After 3 years with the right man, youre not feeling anxious about some days of silence because you know each other habits. So you have to examine the whole relationship and see if its working for you.
    Anyway you will have Emma here soon, talking about your ovaries LOL
    But she will have a point here

    #698146 Reply

    Hannah

    You need to stop being a reed blowing in the wind. You need to start standing up for what you want.

    When he wants to be all over you and sending 1000s of messages, don’t just suddenly do that. Equally, if he starts ignoring you, you are right to feel annoyed by that and should speak up.

    Start taking a bit of control. This is your life and your relationship. It’s not all about him.

    #698148 Reply

    Smile4me

    Sophia,

    I hope this works out for you, I can speak out of experience that things like that are not easy to deal with. (We are probably both people that like to talk things out and move on rather than wait and see.)

    Does he live far away or is he close?

    #698149 Reply

    Smile4me

    Please listen to Newbie and Hannah, they seem to be really mature in this. <3

    #698150 Reply

    Sophia

    Thanks girls, I think you are totally right.

    when he is all into me , I give him everything he wants to, so he doesn’t have to worry. And when he suffocates out of the blue, he has all the power because he knows I’m there waiting for him…

    Damn, I did it so wrong, can’t help feeling sad now though. I find so unfair he told me I was suffocating him because I complained once, when he was sending me messages every 15 min when I was busy and I didn’t complain or made him feel bad. I drove myself crazy trying to answer, big mistake, now I know.

    #698151 Reply

    Sophia

    He lives 2 hours away. And yeah I’m totally the kind of person who needs talking things.

    #698153 Reply

    Newbie

    The good thing about this, is that you can take a break too. Go camping or something this weekend. Go do something totally different than what you are normally doing. So take a deep breath. And stop blaming yourself. Youre not the first woman who stretches pleasing a man too much but now you can fix this in whatever way suits you best

    #698154 Reply

    Emma

    Hey Newbie, thanks for reminding me LOL I forgot about it, but I should always bring up ovaries, because what? you don’t agree that this is a limitation that woman have to deal with compared to me? You can’t argue that, can you? And yet there are so many women that focus on ‘why he didn’t call me today’ instead on focusing on their life goals.

    Sophie, if you are still in your 20s and can afford to waste time, this is the time to learn how to manage your men LOL. You are right, he cannot go from bombarding you with pictures and messages to being absent and mia. However, one day of absence is not that big a deal especially if you are long distance.

    Which brings me to the next point, closely related to the ovaries issue LOL why are you in an LDR? Is there an end to it? what are your plans? this is what you need to focus on and discuss it with him.

    For subtle tactics on how to make your man more interested, pulling away and not initiating contact usually does the trick. But then you need to talk about it and explain to him that he needs to see how his communication style affects you. LOL

    #698155 Reply

    Newbie

    Haha Emma, no i appreciate your advice but leave the ovatie talk to you😄

    #698158 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Sounds more like he suffocates himself and then wants to pull away.

    With this kind of guy I would pace myself. I would allow contact 5 times a day at most and when he goes radio silent I would go radio silent for a few days. These would be your terms, not his.

    How you allow five times a day contact is only answer him morning, break, lunch, dinner and bedtime. If he texts you inbetween wait for these times to respond. And go about your business of the day without concern. Attend to what you have to do, not his every text.

    Let him miss you.

    #698159 Reply

    Sophia

    I’m learning now, but in a painful way, I think he is taking me for granted. I even took pictures whenever he asked me to do it.

    Newbie is right and I should take a break too. But I won’t lie, I feel bad.

    The relation wasn’t in the distance first, but they send him to work 2 hours away. He is trying to get another job, but so far without sucess, but is just a matter of time.

    We see each other often though, 2 hours away isn’t the problem here. But how he goes from 100 to 0, and I’m afraid I’m partly responsible.

    #698161 Reply

    Sophia

    Redcurley, the problem is that I have this thought in mind (probably wrong) that if we start to cut comunication it will cause damage on the relation.

    So even when I’m busy, if he texts me or whatever, I try to find time for him. I think sending just 5 message, unless there is a call or something, wouldn’t be enough.

    #698162 Reply

    Newbie

    No i think red curley sue gives a useful tool you can work with. The idea behind is that you dont stop doing what youre doing to answer his every text. The texts dont make the relationship anyway.
    Give it a try but go do other things first, like a new hair cut, the Spa whatever

    #698163 Reply

    Sophia

    I’ll make plans tomorrow.

    I can’t understand men sometimes, I totally feel that when they get you they lose interest. My mind works in a completely different way.

    I feel sad now, I have his words stuck in my head, I think he was too harsh, I know I’ll feel better tomorrow, I hope he will contact me by monday and then I’ll act like Redcurleysue suggested. I definitely can’t be avaliable for him that much.

    #698170 Reply

    Anastasia

    “I totally feel that when they get you they lose interest” – you seem don’t get the earlier responses on it here.

    YOU can control the pace and never let him “get you” – no instant replies, not being at his disposal at the first call, mind your business and plans first. It’s OK to keep him waited and missing you. That’s what will NOT make him drifting away but will make him wanting to see you more.

    Excessive texting/contact is killing the relationship, not saving it.

    #698174 Reply

    Sophia

    Anastasia, I understand that now, but he is the one to blame for the excess contact 90% of the time. I went wrong being avaliable that much, but he starts.

    So I find unfair that he tells me I’m suffocating him.

    Another thing is that on monday is my birthday, I was reading our last messages and he said he needed a few days at his own only, so now I don’t know if I should expect a happy birthday.

    #698202 Reply

    Lane

    Texting is destroying so many relationships and how couples communicate today.

    My BF and I are long distance but I control the communication because I’m much busier than he is. If he texted as much as your BF did he would NOT be my BF because I would not only feel suffocated but that would drive me INSANE!

    You really need to set some strong BOUNDARIES here. The next time he ‘text bombs’ you tell him “I’m at work and can’t talk right now, I’ll respond when I take lunch.” If he does it after lunch, repeat the same and you’ll call when you get home. If he tries to cross those boundaries you stick to your guns and don’t respond until lunch and at home. This is a very unhealthy and obsessive pattern BOTH of you have established and if you can’t find a good balance that both of you can agree on; I don’t see how this relationship can survive.

    #698217 Reply

    Peggy

    Hi-You indicated that you respond to all his texts,and as soon as possible because you are afraid if you don’t the relationship will founder. That seems to sy that you do not really feel confident in his love and attention. I would do as several suggested here and pull back-let him come to you more on your terms. He seems to operate as a one-way street.
    If he does not act more constant and measured after trying this advice-I wo
    uld think about breaking up. This would drive me crazy.

    #698219 Reply

    Emma


    @Newbie, your advice is nice too, but can you please ignore mine if you don’t like to hear about ovaries? LOL Compared to men, this is one HUGE thing that women forget about, but it applies to 90% of situations. If women could focus on important things, they would not be mulling over some douche bags who don’t call on time, vanish, do hot and cold, etc etc..LOL

    In any case, it is funny, why would you tell me what to say and what not to say? LOL haha I have a simpler solution: ignore my comments. Or roll your eyes up – to yourself.

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