Red flags, or am I being petty?


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This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Emma 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #661922 Reply

    Liv

    I’ve been dating this guy for some months now, and been friends with him for almost six months. He has so many qualities I appreciate. We have lots of common interests, he’s kind, romantic, honest, easy to talk to… in all, I like him a lot. He’s mature, he cooks, he’s got a good job, his own flat and he’s ready for a serious relationship. He calls when he says he’ll call and doesn’t play games. He’s already told me he loves me and we even talked about living together. But, here goes… lately, I’ve been seeing some sides to him that has made me question things.

    First, he talks quite frequently about his exe’s, and has even mentioned things from their sex life. It seems like all of them were more sexually forward than me. I take it as insecurity on his part. He says that I’m different from all of them, in the way that he didn’t have to pursue them the way he’s pursued me. They went after him, not the other way around. I like to move more slowly, and he’s not used to that. When we dated in the beginning, I was a bit shy, and he took it as rejection. I feel like he’s very insecure about me, because we move at so different paces. He’s also very relaxed about public display of affection, whereas I’m a bit more private. He told me that in the past, he felt like he wanted his exe’s to change. With me, he says that he feels like it’s him who needs to change and be more tolerant and patient. I guess this is a good thing, but at the same time, I don’t want someone to feel like they have to change for me.

    Second, his best friend is a woman who’s clearly in love with him. I’m not jealous, I just think it’s a bit weird. She phones him every day and they meet on a weekly basis. She knows it’s only friendship from his part, but she’s very open about the fact that she wants more than a friendship. She’s a bit older than him, and I think he sees her as kind of a mentor/older sister and is flattered by her attention and how much she cares for him. She cooks him lavish dinners, buys his favourite snacks and leaves him little notes. Nothing inappropriate, but still a bit much the way I see it. He seems to always confide in her, and I’m afraid that he might tells her details from our relationship. He’s a very open person, almost at the point of being a bit naive. At least, he’s very direct and honest, and will tell me straight up if he doesn’t like something. I’ve started to appreciate his honesty, as I know I can trust him to tell the truth. I would never be afraid of him keeping things from me or lying to me.

    This is maybe just pettiness, but his table manners are not the best. When we’re at his place, he will lick the knife that we use for slicing cheese and use a spoon that he’s already eaten with to have jam, honey, yoghurt, etc. He will sometimes even not get properly dressed for eating, when it’s just the two of us at his place. I know these are just details, but I still find it a bit weird.

    I’m so confused, as I really like him. So, what do you guys think, are some of these issues red flags, or am I overreacting? Thanks for your input.

    #661929 Reply

    Jules

    The biggest red flag I see is that he keeps the level of contact he does with his best friend who is in love with him. Something about it just doesn’t seem fair to her.

    The talking about ex’s I see as a yellow flag. Men can be dense sometimes. Ask him once politely if he can stop referring to his exes as much and see what happens. If he asks why, say you want to start off fresh with him. Now from there, see what happens. If he listens, GREAT! If he doesn’t, red flag.

    The table manners are probably part of his quirks. Everyone has them. I use to hear my boyfriend chewing sometimes and I found it so gross. Eventually as time went on, it bothered me less and less. Plus I think the longer you are together the more likely you are to pick up your partners habits, so he may see you cleaning the silverware and in turn do it himself. Orrr he may do this forever and you’ll have to decide whether its a deal breaker for you.

    #661977 Reply

    Mike

    I think you’re being petty. Stop looking for every minor thing wrong with a person. Decide if you can live with his faults, as they are right now.

    #661997 Reply

    kaye

    You’re definitely being petty about the table manners. I mean this is at HIS house not in a restaurant for goodness sake!! You really expect him to get formally dressed for eating dinner? I find myself licking a knife or spoon when I’m preparing things at my own home. If you don’t like his double dipping then say something about it in a funny way.

    But aside from your pettiness over the table manners I think you are ignoring some rather serious red flags. It is not normal to talk about your sex life with an ex girlfriend and certainly not to emphasize the fact they are more sexually forward than you. If you’re not outright asking him for this information the fact he’s divulging it would have me questioning why. Is it because he’s going to ask you to do some things in the bedroom you may not be comfortable with and he can say well my other ex’s didn’t have a problem with it!? And the fact he keeps talking about all the women who came after him and he didn’t even have to pursue them sounds like he’s trying to make you feel insecure about your sex life and all the women who want him.

    Then he says how all his exes needed to change but with you he just needs to change and be more tolerant and patient. So he has to tolerate you? In what way? To me this is one of those backhanded compliments. You don’t need ot change a thing, I just need to learn to tolerate your behavior and be patient when you’re doing something I don’t like. Seems very conniving.

    And then the best friend who wants more with him and he seems to be encouraging it wouldn’t sit well with me either. I think absolutely he likes the attention and women chasing after him. It was hard enough for me to deal with my husband’s best friend being an ex girlfriend when we first start dating knowing they were just friends. But it would be really hard for me to tolerate knowing his best friends wants more and is going out of her way to cook for him, buy him things and leave him notes, Men aren’t idiots. They know when a woman is pursuing them just as your guy did with his past girlfriends. The fact he encourages this scenario is what would make me uncomfortable. Decent men don’t lead women on when they have a girlfriend and know she’s interested.

    Your guy sounds like a player who will always want feminine attention. And likes to boast about his conquests. And who doesn’t mind making you feel insecure in the process. Even his comment about not wanting to change you was designed to make yor insecure. This guy sounds sketchy to me.

    #662119 Reply

    Amanda

    He is not a nice guy for leading that woman on. Meeting once a week and talking all the time is way over the top. Either something is going on, or he is completely disrespectful of her feelings. This would be a deal breaker for me!

    And with the next guy, please realize people do not dress up to eat dinner in their own home! What is this, 1925 lol?

    #662124 Reply

    Emma

    I think there is a bit of a misalliance there isn’t it? You are a classy lady and he is a bit of a low brow? LOL

    You need to work on his manners, but this is a small thing. In time he’d evolve. LOL. My HB did. It took years but he evolved. LOL It is better to tell him (jokingly) about those things, because otherwise it will be a turn off for oyu. I know for me it is. Give him hints as a joke but not very often.

    The exes talk is another matter. If you are uncomfortable with that, but he keeps on talking about them, then he is trying to make you feel insecure. Men tend to do it sometimes unconsciously to have an upper hand over you. The more insecure you are as a woman, the more confident he is as a male. LOL. And insecure males need this boost, so that’s why he is doing it, consciously or not. But don’t let him. Simply put your foot down and very directly ask him to stop talking about his exes. In some cultures it is normal to talk about your sexual experiences, I am used to it, but I find it still better not to. No matter how liberal you are, the residue of those conversations lingers for a long time and can ferment your enjoyment of sex together. Once you say something you can’t unhear it, you can’t take it back. It takes a lot of effort to dilute the hurt caused with words and men seldom make those efforts, so what happens usually is a woman feels hurt and offended and gradually loses her desire for her man. One conversation at a time, one mentioning of an ex at a time. LOL He is immature and short sighted and doesn’t understand how a woman’s mind works, he is risking your passion for him, being thick and square. You need to stop him.

    His “best friend” is the real issue. You tolerating this is quite unusual, he must know that! And he is still encouraging her advances, again, very short sighted of him. So this is a biggie. Most women would not tolerate this, he is a lucky dude. LOL. However do not let him take you for a fool. This is not going to serve you. Make sure he is aware and appreciates your tolerance. And the same goes for this best friend. My guess is that you feel it is low style to tell her openly to stop romancing your BF and I don’t blame you for that, it is indeed a bit of a “trashy” move, but sometimes you need to ask yourself, do you want to be classy or do you want results? LOL. Your BF doesn’t have the tact to deal with the situation so you need to do it yourself, before it ruins your relationship.

    I’d say those are still not issues to break up over. You are not going to get a perfect guy. There is always going to be a compromise in some areas. If you share common values, if he is trustworthy and honest, then this is what matters the most, and his low brow manners and behaviour can improve in time if you are patient and handle it well. Given that you are the classy one, you need to take a lead and tactfully but firmly “nudge” him in the right direction.

    And btw “dress up” for dinner doesn’t mean you put a tux on. You simply put something that doesn’t look worn out, baggy or stretchy. I dress up to go to bed. LOL all my PJs are sexy and stylish. If you are a visual person who was raised in a certain way, it is part of you and you can’t help it. But you will be in a small minority. LOL. I often have to remind my HB to go and put something nicer please. And the funny part is that he LISTENS. He actually goes and changes his clothes if I ask him to do that. LOL. A simpler solution is to take away all old and baggy clothes and buy him what you want him to wear. This is what I did when we first moved in together.

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