This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by carlotta 9 months ago.
April 20, 2017 at 8:43 am #620444
Hi guys, I am back to online dating. I think I am still not healed from the breakup but am definitely willing to push myself out to meet someone new. Came across someone who said it outright that he is looking for a relationship and not friends. I was taken aback coz I feel I might not be able to think about starting a relationship so soon. But having seen someone like him out of million of others who only want sex or simply don’t know what they want, I just feel I should give myself a chance. This person is not pushy. In fact he is accommodating and taking the time to get to know me. It is jusg that he is very firm and clear about his intention to look for a relationship. How do you think I should proceed with this?April 20, 2017 at 9:00 am #620448
Why would you assume that he wants a relationship with you? That’s called putting the cart before the horse.April 20, 2017 at 9:02 am #620449
Yeah just because he is looking for a relationship doesnt meant he wants one with you. Why dont you be upfront with him and let him know that you are not looking for one because you are still hurt about your ex. It is better to be honest and just try and pretend like you want and are ready for the same thing.April 20, 2017 at 9:09 am #620450
This is a disaster waiting to happen.
If you aren’t ready to really date, then don’t.
Because if you tell a man you don’t want a relationship then he will believe you and only be a fwb. After a few months you will catch feelings for him, like the majority of women do,and then you will be upset asking how you can turn it around.
Besides, if he is that specific about looking for a relationship why would you waste his time? How would you feel if you posted and stated you wanted a relationship and all you got back were guys that said they didn’t want one?
If all you want is casual, why aren’t you responding to the guys who SAY they only want casual?April 20, 2017 at 9:14 am #620451
I would tread carefully here and keep watch over my heart. Like someone said, even though he said he wants a relationship, doesn’t mean that he wants it with you. And also…a lot of guys say that and don’t mean it. They wise up sooner or later that most women want a relationship and will give guys who say they want to be “buddies” up front a pass. I would take my time and see if his actions and words consistently match up.April 20, 2017 at 9:14 am #620452
And as others have said, just date and get to know him. Men who come on strong at the beginning can fizzle just as quickly.
The point is that it’s good he wants a relationship but don’t let that cloud your ability to keep your eyes open to see if he really is showing interest in you and might be a good fit. Just because a guy asks you out and dates you doesn’t mean you are the one he picks to be with. That’s the problem so many women on here run into. They have a few dates with a guy and then get ahead of him.
He may be looking for a relationship, and that’s a good thing, but men date to have companionship and sex. If you happen to really wow him, he will then decide he wants to take things further.April 20, 2017 at 6:07 pm #620607
Oh thanks. He wants a relationship and he is asking it from me so I didnt assume that he wants it with me. But yes I am not ready to date and he already feels it so I just really don’t know whether I should push myself to give it a try or tell him I cannot. That’s all.April 20, 2017 at 6:28 pm #620614
Why are you asking total strangers if you should agree to a relationship? We don’t know this man. You haven’t indicated how long you have dated him or seen him. Do you like him enough to agree to be his gf?
If you don’t even know how you feel about this guy, then you should not agree. If you think you might ventuLly be interested, then just date him and get to know him. Don’t let a man pressure you into a decision you are not ready to make.
I also think it’s not very fair to keep dating him if he wants a relationship and you don’t. You can’t make the new man suffer the sins of the ex who may have hurt you.
I think the fact you stated that you had to push yourself to meet men says you probably shouldn’t be dating ..April 20, 2017 at 7:11 pm #620625
I think I am still not healed from the breakup but am definitely willing to push myself out to meet someone new.
Then why are you out trying to date?
People say so many things but, who knows if they mean it.
Have you even been out on a few dates with this guy?April 20, 2017 at 7:51 pm #620635
Women are far too prone to believing what a man says and not paying enough attention to what he does. I find that when people say things that should be obvious it’s probably not true.
I don’t think you should be out there dating, I think you should just be out socializing in a group situation and having fun. Sam said it – you online dating is a disaster waiting to happen.April 20, 2017 at 8:45 pm #620645
Thank you guys for the advice. I will think it over. Much appreciatedApril 20, 2017 at 10:22 pm #620660
I would just tell him that you are taking things slow..
you don’t owe him an explanation as to why.
You have yet to know whether he is genuinely looking for a serious relationship.April 21, 2017 at 2:22 pm #620739
There are guys out there who date to get into a relationship. But their end goal is a relationship and they want to put a title on it ASAP. They are also the same guys who do not know how to be alone. Most of their relationships do not last. As they try to put a title on it just so they feel secure that they are in a relationship. And only after that they get to know the person and realise that after all they do not want to be in a relationship with this person. Then they end it and go hunting again for another woman to put a title on it.
These guys also belong to the category of burn fast and crash guys. They will do anything and everything to hook you and once you are hooked they are bored and end up breaking up with you as they do not feel the “spark” anymore. The “spark” which they have not realised is nothing to do with chemistry and everything to do with pursuing and getting the girl and once got, moving to the next pursuation.
I agree with the other women. If you are not ready to date, then dont. Do not put yourself out there to date. Rather put yourself out there to go on group outings and making non-romantic connections. Check out meetup.com if you haven’t heard of it already.April 22, 2017 at 3:21 am #620867
Sherri, I understand what type of guys you are talking about. In fact I am the same type – I want to be in a relationship and feel secure with a title. More accurately I want a marriage title. But I also understand I cannot just chase the title and the false security.
My ex is similar type. His past relationships never longer than 6 months. He did work very hard to get me. But after he got me he continued to carry it on. Our relationship lasted for 3 years. We broke up because of issues from his family.
Now this new man is saying and doing similar things like my ex. That’s why I didnt reject him. I know I probably shouldnt have done this. But it probably would take me forever to forget my ex if I dont find someone new. The new guy is coming on a bit strong but not that much. I told him I do have heavy baggage from ex and told him the reason. He said I needed someone new. This is not enough for me to fall for him. Actually after my previous breakup I started to feel very pesmesstic and I feel scared about being in a good relationship and then break up because of external forces.April 22, 2017 at 9:38 am #620902
I think it is a big leap to assume that a guy who states up front that he is dating with the intention of getting into a relationship means that he’s a serial monogamist or can’t be alone. I think it’s important to be wary, but I also make it clear in online dating that I am dating with the intention to find SOMEONE to be in a relationship with. Does that mean that the first guy I date is going to be the one I end up in a relationship with? No. But I state my intent to make sure that the person I date knows that I’m not up for fwb, that I’m not up for random hookups, and that if they are looking for that ultimately we shouldn’t waste each other’s time.
The hardest part about dating new people after a breakup is that a part of you is still hungry for a relationship and missing the feeling of being in a relationship, which is natural and normal. It can be tempting to see all the good things up front that we show each other when we first start dating someone, and wanting more, that we just kind of latch on to the first thing that shows up.
I think it is important as part of the healing process to see what’s out there. But you just need to make sure you keep yourself in check and don’t just date one person. You can be ready to date while still knowing you are not ready for a relationship. You just have to make sure you set yourself firm boundaries and STICK to them while you are still healing. If you are unable to do at least that, then you know you are not even ready to date and should wait awhile before getting out there again.
I would also avoid talking too much about having baggage with an ex. While talking about that can feel like honesty, it’s giving up too much information too soon. You can just say “I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship, right now I am just trying to meet new people and see where things lead.”