NSA — from the "other" perspective

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Yesenia 11 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #641921 Reply


    Hey guys:

    I am involved in a NSA relationship with a guy much younger than I am (10 years +) who I met by pure happenstance a few months back. I am recently divorced and I don’t want a relationship. He said he didn’t either as he is young and was recently engaged but ended the relationship. I’m starting to feel a little like he isn’t being entirely candid about what he wants from me. In the beginning he said things about how he thought we had a great connection and would text me literally every single morning before I even woke up. He would send me the emoji with the heart eyes. And now he asks to see me every week and when we are together I’m kind of pushing for the physical stuff and while he likes that he’s pushing more for kissing and watching tv together (and taking me out/opening doors for me/finding ways to touch me.) And this is odd but part of the story: I’ve made a few comments to him so that he knows exactly what my intentions are when he starts saying things that confuse me or acting like he wants more and it’s always the same pattern. I make a comment about what I want with us and the next few days he does a total 180 and starts taking ONLY about sex in a blatant (not even suggestive way) and it’s a turn off. Like I don’t even respond and I say “ew” outloud. He’s fun and the sex is good and I thought we were on the same page but I don’t know are we?

    #641923 Reply


    Don’t worry, he is going to leave you soon enough. Enjoy your future-free relationship now. If a guy wants to kiss you, what are you going to push him away? This is simply silly. Your relationship is a relationship, only a dead end one. Men handle this better than women, but in your case it suits you well, so enjoy. And why can’t you talk about sex if you are already lovers? I am not clear on the issue here?

    #641925 Reply


    I don’t feel like it’s a relationship because we’ve both been very clear that we are not exclusive (altho we agreed to only sleep with one another and to be honest if that changes.) And the talking about sex thing is fine – it’s just that he gets vulgar about it. I was trying to say that in a more PC way earlier but honestly that is the problem. It’s almost as if he’s trying too hard to show me he is only interested in my body. The way he says it is gross and he only talks to me like that after I’m very direct in reaffirming what I am looking for with him. And I like kissing him – it’s just a lot of intimacy and I enjoy that too but I hope he doesn’t misconstrue that to mean I want more. That’s all I’m saying.

    #641926 Reply


    I also don’t understand …

    What is your question?

    #641928 Reply


    Do you all think that the way he is acting suggests we need to have a more direct conversation about what we are and what each of us wants? I like the guy. I don’t want to lead him on and I don’t think I have. I just want to do the right thing.

    #641930 Reply


    Do you want more?

    #641932 Reply


    What he wants is your body. You both made it clear to each other that this was to be a no strings attached thing. So yes, you’re on the same page. Don’t question other things he does outside the bedroom as you are getting what you want, NSA SEX, that’s it. Some guys can use gross language when referring to sex, just ignore it! Don’t even respond with an “ew”. You’re trying to make it pretty and special, but it’s not. It’s NOT a romantic relationship, it’s just a sexual relationship.

    #641933 Reply


    Women can be so confusing lol. If youre enjoying it, enjoy it. You dont need to tell the guy its nsa, im sure he gets it. Guys can be nice in a nsa situation.

    #641934 Reply


    Men appreciate directness.

    Tell him something like, “I want you to know where I am coming from and I am going to ask you to tell me what you have heard. I like you and I enjoy sex with you exclusively, but I do not want a long term committed relationship with you. One day we will end. And, please do not speak to me in a gross sexual manner…it is a turn off. Now, tell me what I have said to you.”

    Let him talk.

    This should do it. Use your own words.

    #641935 Reply


    Redcurleysue — That was SO incredibly well articulated! Thank you SO so much. That’s exactly what I want. I am really enjoying hanging out with him and the sex is fantastic but I’m still a woman. I don’t like to be spoken to that way. And truthfully I’m not worried about being direct with him because the fact of the matter is this is not a long term thing. It has an end date for sure. If he doesn’t like what I have to say we part ways now no hard feelings. Thank you again for your input and to the rest of you for taking the time to read and comment.

    #641938 Reply


    You said..”I don’t want a relationship. He said he didn’t either”

    Why are you making such a big deal of this?

    #641940 Reply


    Joe – id disagree that I’m making a big deal out of it. Just wanted some advice. I am supposed to see him tomorrow and after talking to him today it crossed my mind that maybe he’s not being honest with me. I just wanted to see what the rest of you thought. I’ve been on that side of a NSA relationship before and it can be hurtful. I don’t want to be that girl. So as redcurleysue suggested I’m just going to be honest. If he says he’s cool with us the way we are then I’ve fulfilled my obligation insofar as I’m concerned

    #641956 Reply


    RCS gave good advice. But I wouldn’t read too much into him watching moving and stuff. Women get confused with NSA because they think it precludes companionship. Men like companionship and unlike women they do not see companionship as leading to anything more. I bet he understands.

    #641959 Reply


    Jenny, that is a really good point about the companionship. I like that too truth be told. We are having a lot of fun right now and that is what I need in my life at this juncture. That part of it I found confusing for sure you are right. At the end of the day he is a grown man and responsible for his own actions and words and feelings as am I. So I’ll bring it up tomorrow in a more straight forward way, briefly, and that’ll be the end of it. Thanks again everyone.

    #641975 Reply


    I had a no strings thing and we still went out on dates and did things other than sex. I agree men like female company and to form a friendship with their sexual partner. (That can confuse some women into thinking their FWB has true feelings for them). In my situation, when it was time for things to end, they just ended with no hard feelings.

    Make your position clear once, then just have fun and stop worrying. The benefit of this kind of arrangement is you don’t have to worry about all the relationship stuff, feelings, etc. He’s a big boy. He knows how you feel and it’s up to him if he wants to continue knowing it’s going nowhere.

    #642022 Reply


    It’s confusing if he wants to cuddle and it’s annoying if he wants to talk sex. The only person acting confused is you. He knows what he’s doing. Classic sign of a woman who really wants a relationship. She has to talk things to death. My impression is that you want him to say he feels more for you than NSA. Otherwise you wouldn’t worry about it so much. Fwb can look very much like a relationship which is why many women confuse it with he man having feelings for her. It can’t be much fun if you are always wanting to talk about ‘what this is.’ He’s a big boy and frankly most men can handle NSA way better than a woman can. I think you are the one catching feelings. Otherwise you wouldn’t be on here posting and making a big deal. You are fishing for someone to tell you that his actions mean more. You aren’t that subtle with us, so imagine he gets the same vibe too. we see so many women on here that start off as casual and then look for signs that the guy might want more. That’s exactly what you are doing, and if not, then just drop him and find another sex boy toy. If you don’t have feelings and don’t want him to get attached, then end this. If all you really want is NSA then any guy should do. Problem solved. But I bet you won’t.

    #642151 Reply


    Thanks again for reading and commenting all. Jane I completely get what you’re saying and makes sense given comments by other posters and whatnot. I’ve been that girl wanting more plenty of times I’m afraid. In this case though I’m just getting out of a ten year marriage and I haven’t done this sort of thing for a while. I like this guy. I don’t mean to say I don’t have feelings for him. I like hanging out with him and it’s fun going out and doing things. But truthfully I’m excited about the prospect of being back in the dating pool again. Being on my own schedule again. Vacationing on a whim without having to let someone know or throw out the obligatory invite. Those sort of things. I don’t want the strings. That’s not to say I don’t care for him of course I do I wouldn’t be sleeping with someone I don’t care for. But I don’t want a relationship with him and I love the casual nature of just living in the moment with this guy. Calling when I want to. Not second guessing when he doesn’t call. Not wondering what we are and where it’s going. I love that it just is what it is. It’s fun and I’ve been lacking fun for a long time. That doesn’t mean I’m a jerk though either. I care about his feelings and I don’t want to hurt him. Like I’ve said I’ve been there before and it sucks and I don’t ever want to be the person putting someone else in that situation.

    I’ve decided you’re all right tho. He’s a grown up. We’ve discussed it (or at least I have – I gave this some thought and honestly he’s literally never told me what he wants from this. Just agreed we could couls be nsa at my behest and said he’d tell me if he started seeing or having sex with someone else. When I thought about it I realized he has never actually told me what he’s hoping for although I’m really very certain we are both on the same page.) I’m not going to have the talk with him. I’m going to just keep having fun because it IS fun and I don’t want to ruin that. In fact I was near his work today (which again is near my home) and so I texted asking if he wanted to come over on his lunch break to make out. And we did and it was fun and exciting. He was here for about 40 mins and we just kissed and laughed and made out and parted ways. We made plans for Friday before he left but then he left and we didn’t speak. I didn’t have to call him to reassure him that I had fun and I didn’t have to worry about rushing him out the door so I could get back to work. It’s actually really … refreshing.

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