This topic contains 53 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Pandora 1 year ago.
June 19, 2017 at 4:54 pm #635441
Ok, so yes this is not a huge deal. I am not going to end our relationship or anything over it. I just want a take on the situation. Maybe I am just being sensitive. So let me have it.
My fiance and I have been together 2-1/2 years. Engaged 8 months. Moved in together about 5 months ago. We have 6 kids between the 2 of us and they all live with us full time. He had 3 and I have 3. They go to their moms every other weekend for a night other than that I have them full time.
I am exhausted and feeling very unappreciated the last couple of weeks. I just want my fiance to take some time and spend with me. Saturday he had to work. I spent the entire day with the kids, cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping. We were suppose to go to one of my friends houses for the evening and have a get together. He called me after work and said he was just to tired. So I stayed for another hour or so and went back home with him. Sunday obviously fathers day we spent the whole day in the mountains. We went fishing and hung out with a bunch of his friends and our kids.
Today he is off, I of course had to come to work. I have talked to him a couple of times and he has been goofing off all day long. He went to the movies (one that we have been talking about going to see for a couple of weeks). Granted he went with his oldest son who he doesn’t get to spend a whole lot of time with. He is 16 and has a gf and could care less about his parents anymore. Lol, he also went to lunch and went and bought a tv for the office we just built in the house. He is now resting and taking a nap. WTF! I mean are you kidding me.
I think he sensed I was bugged when he called me about the movie. So he told me to get off early and come meet them. The problem with that is I am already taking off early on Thur because his daughter broke her leg and she has a follow up that I have to take her to. Wed I am taking off early because 3 of our kids (2 of his and 1 of mine) have dentist appt. So for me to leave a 3rd day early to watch a movie isn’t going to happen. When I explained this he was like yeah your boss probably wouldn’t like that and went to the movie.
It has been at least 2 months since we had went to dinner by ourselves. It has been 4 months since we watched a movie. It seems any other night he is exhausted and just wants to stay home and watch a movie or relax. Today he has been out and about all day.
I don’t know if I should even say anything or just let this whole thing go. Maybe I am just tired from our busy weekend and need to suck it up, but I am really bugged he didn’t even think twice about waiting for me and spending some time away from the kids out of the house with me.
Opinions needed. Give it to me straight!
June 19, 2017 at 4:59 pm #635445
You need regular dates, just the two of you. Otherwise, that’s how people drift apart and then suddenly it’s too late to repair the damage.June 19, 2017 at 5:06 pm #635448
I’ve been exactly where you are. See a good therapist alone. Tell him you are going. Don’t tell him you are going because he’s doing something wrong. Tell him you are going for yourself. Mean it. The therapist will help you address this properly.June 19, 2017 at 5:20 pm #635453
I agree we need some kind of date schedule. We have discussed this before. It seems like when we were not living together and just dating it was easier to accomplish this, but since we moved in together we just have so much going on. Between the kids and the house and work and cleaning the week is gone and we are starting back on Monday again.
I know this is all very new and we are all still getting used to living together. Not only are my fiance and I together now 24/7, but we also have 6 kids that are there all of the time. We have all seemed to handle it pretty well. Honestly better than most said it would be.
I think at the end of the day I would like him to realize that taking his day off and goofing off with his kid is kind of a jerk move. My day off consisted of going to 2 of the kids games, running around getting the shopping done for the week, cleaning, and dealing with figuring out where everybody is all day. I would have loved to have gone to a movie and had lunch out with a friend or my daughter.
My problem is do I go home and tell him what I am feeling or just let it go. I really do think a lot of it has to do with that his son was hanging out with him. He misses him being little.June 19, 2017 at 5:23 pm #635454
You are a hard working person! 6 kids and a man in a house is so much work I can’t imagine doing it for a week let alone all the time. How do you manage??
I think all you need is not bottle up how you feel and tell him what you want. Cuddle up to him and tell him you miss the time alone with him, that you are exhausted and deserve something special. LOL
Men tend to get complacent very easily, even good men, we women always need to nudge them and keep them on their toes. It is an art in itself but who said it is easy to be a woman? LOLJune 19, 2017 at 5:52 pm #635462
Well, I would approach this differently.
First of all you do need some fun time with friends. You need to plan and go out without hubby and kids. Second of all you need some time alone with him. You need to schedule this – it will not happen on its own….how old are the children?
Also, you need to relax some things…over scheduling can hurt you more than help you. And you need to delegate some things to hubby…dental appointments, etc. He can pitch in…he can do some laundry…June 19, 2017 at 6:13 pm #635470
Why are you doing all of the appointments?
They’re HIS kids too …June 19, 2017 at 7:29 pm #635511
I wouldn’t let it go. You bring up very important concerns. And if you let this slide now, don’t be surprised if your marriage consists of only more of the same. I would mention to him everything you mention here. And focus more on the positive (i.e., instead of saying “You/We never….” say something like “I miss spending time with you…I feel…I’d like for us to….”.
(Btw, check out Esther Perel’s blog, she answers a similar question about how to approach discussions like these).June 20, 2017 at 1:05 pm #635747
@ Raven. Yes they are his kids, but I knew what I was signing onto when we first met. He has full custody of his kids. Their mom is not really in the picture and when she is it’s not as a parental figure. My job is very flexible in that I can come and go as I please as long as my work gets finished. With 6 kids I usually work around 30-35 hours a week just because they always have stuff going on. His job is very demanding and not so flexible. His job provides our life style that we have. I work because I want my money and not to fully depend on him.
All in all he is an amazing man and provider for our family. He does a lot around the house and takes care of the cars and stuff. I don’t mind doing most of the stuff like that for the kids. It just bugged me yesterday that it wasn’t even a thought to him we were suppose to go and see that movie.
The worst part of the day was that he told me they were going to see another movie, but when the charge came up on the account it was to the movie that we were suppose to see. He had lied about it. (Which he never does) He is probably to honest with me sometimes.
When I confronted him about this and told him I knew he had lied. He said that he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings. So he lied so I wouldn’t get mad. I guess his son wanted to go and see it and he didn’t want to tell him no. This only made me madder because they could have waited till I got off or he could have just manned up and told me the truth. I would have been mad, but I would have gotten over it. The lying is what gets me, and about something so freaking stupid!!!June 20, 2017 at 1:13 pm #635748
Having kids means you really cant expect much alone time. For many years. Once a month date nite is about all you can hope for. that is simply the way it is when the kids are young. They will get older, go to college, etc. Until then you must expect to be immersed in kids full time. Get married, raise the kids and know that one day they will be older and you two will be together forever. Appreciate him every single day. think Appreciation and things will get better.June 20, 2017 at 1:23 pm #635750
@redcurleysue His are 8-9-16. Mine are 11-15-17. The 3 oldest drive and have cars so that has been helpful with practices and a lot of their stuff. I still do go to their appt and things because obviously they are not 18 yet and still require a parent.
I did tell him last night that I think we need to have a date night just the 2 of us at least once a month and for it to be scheduled. Also, I do have friends that I go to dinner with about once a month to. We just lead very different lifestyles. Most of friends are either just starting families or just starting to settle down. I am only 36 and my fiance is 35. Obviously we both started young. So a lot of times when I talk to them about this stuff they don’t really get it. I am dealing with teenagers about to graduate and start college, driving, bf and gf at our house. They are dealing with diapers and toddlers.
I am on my second marriage coming from a very abusive first one. They waited and are just on their first. A lot of them still go to the clubs and party, obviously my lifestyle does not allow for that.
I do agree maybe I need to let him take more responsibility around the house and helping with things. I get we all need a day off to relax and hang out. What pissed me off yesterday was that he lied to me and that he spent the whole day doing it without me.June 20, 2017 at 1:31 pm #635751
If he has a demanding job and full custody of three kids, how did he manage when you didn’t live together?June 20, 2017 at 1:36 pm #635754
You never bothered to discuss any of this before you moved in? You sound like someone who likes the martyr role and so you take everything on, and then complain. In one breath you say your job is not demanding and you have more flexibility, then you say his is demanding but he needs to do more. Which is it. Most of those kids are old enough to be very self sufficient. Why don’t you delegate work and chores and errands to th kids?
Instead of blowing up over a stupid movie. Sit down, talk it out and if necessary get a mediator who can help you figure out how to negotiate this, I’m actually surprised you don’t have issues with the kids. Usually they are thnot ones that are most impacted by having to move in with a strange woman and her three kids.June 20, 2017 at 1:37 pm #635755
Honestly this is just life and for you its busy. You said your husband’s job is inflexible at times but does provide so I can see him getting tired too. I just find it odd you were upset over the movie that him and his son went to see. He even had to lie about it because he thought it would upset you…June 20, 2017 at 1:51 pm #635762
I sense a lot of resentment here. When you say goofing off with his son is a kind of jerk move, it just seems to confirm this.
Each and every one of those kids, his and yours, is of the age where they are capable with helping out with household duties. Teaching them important life skills is beneficial to them and you. It may take some time to teach them, especially the young ones, and no doubt there will be some initial resistance from the older ones, but it can be done.
Your fiancé is tired too, I’m sure. With help from those kids, you both can have a little time for yourselves to relax and enjoy each other.
Do the older kids have outside jobs? You had mentioned they have cars.June 20, 2017 at 1:57 pm #635764
Prairegirl made a good point. Do the kids do their own laundry? I taught both my boys to do laundry at 12 years old. It takes a few times, but TEACH them. Also, once they have a driver’s license they can do the grocery shopping for you. i sent my kids to the store with a list. They both shop and cook and wash their sheets, etc now that they are adults. Dont make it chores or nag, simply teach them. Everyone in the house can do their own laundry and as they do it they ask “anyone else have something to go in the wash?”June 20, 2017 at 1:58 pm #635766
Ok, Jane. Well first off I am not a strange woman. I have been around for almost 3 years now. His ex was very involved and a decent mom until about a year ago. She had custody of her kids and my ex had them every other weekend. When we first started talking about buying a house and getting married this was not even a thought in our heads that needed to be discussed. Things changed drastically when she found a new bf and got addicted to pills. Her and her bf have been in and out of rehab and jail over the last year or so. When we first found out about the pills and drugs we filed for custody and got them out of the house. The mom said she would go to rehab which we paid for and she was suppose to stay away from the new boyfriend. The 3 children coming to live with us was only suppose to be temporary. Over the last year we have come to find out numerous other things going on. When we found a house about 6 months ago we decided it would not be temporary and we would keep them full time. Especially since the 8 and 9 year old are both little girls.
So this whole situation is very new for all of us. The kids actually get a long very well. We took family vacations and integrated them for a good 2 years before we decided that we were moving in and getting married. The 3 oldest go to the same high school and have friends over. I’m confused on how you think we are strangers after 3 years.
Lastly, I don’t mind taking on the bulk of the marital role as you like to call it. I understand that his job is more demanding, but does that give him a get out jail free card where he doesn’t have any of the household responsibility. I work too. My problem lies with him lying to me about the movie and that he should have thought about me and my feelings. We do not need a mediator, we are very open with each other. I was just kind of seeing if I am expecting to much. Maybe I am being selfish.June 20, 2017 at 2:04 pm #635768
Funny how women always seem to leave out th most important facts of the story. Now his ex is a druggie?
And yeah. I’d dump him over the movie issue. How dare a grown man go to a movie with his own son without his fiancé or her permission! Seriously?June 20, 2017 at 2:07 pm #635769
How is it his ex druggie, the one you found out terrible things about, get unsupervised overnight visits with the kids every other weekend. That doesn’t make sense. She’s in and out of jail, uses drugs but gets them to stay overnight a few nights a month?what kind of judge would order that?June 20, 2017 at 2:09 pm #635771
Yes the 3 oldest do their own laundry and the 2 oldest have part time jobs. My 12 year old is a high functioning autistic child. So we have other issues we are dealing with him on. The 2 youngest help me dust and will take trash out and stuff like that. They are all responsible for their own rooms. I do check and make sure they are clean and I will mop after they are done. Our entire has is wood floors, so it’s a lot to keep those clean sometimes.
The problem with the movie was that we had planned for about 2 weeks that we were going to go and see it. It was going to be our time to get away and have a little date time. He chose to go and see it with his son and lie to me about it. Yeah, I was pissed! Not only did you do something with one of our kids that was suppose to be for us, he chose to lie about it. And lying to me because he knew i was going to be hurt, should have made him think twice and choose a different movie.
I do agree he is tired to. That is why I came here to see if I was completely overreacting or if I was just n saying something to him. I hope I don’t sound resentful, I don’t want to. It just kind of hurt my feelings that for weeks we had planned on getting out just the 2 of us to go and see this particular movie and instead he chose to go and watch it when I was at work. They could have gone and watched something else, but didn’t. I know its stupid and immature, I just was hurt and I was hurt he chose to lie about it.June 20, 2017 at 2:14 pm #635773
I bet he is not feeling appreciated. That is your job to appreciate your man, it is also his job to spend time with the son, quit whining about the movie. You will turn into a nag. You sound like you have a pretty good life. It is a good time in your life and you are doing a great job. Let him appreciate you by showing him appreciation. Its hard with kids, hard on both mom and dad. He’s not always going to be perfect.June 20, 2017 at 2:16 pm #635774
He lied because he didn’t want to deal with you being a nag. Why can’t you still both go see the silly movie together? This is something a 12 year old would pout about. And you aren’t consistent. One minute it’s about a movie and then it’s about him not doing housework. I hope he figures you out before he walks down that aisle. You do need a mediator. Or a good therapist because if you have this much resentment now,this is going to be a pretty short marriage, if it even happens. I would run and not walk away if I felt I had to lie to my spouse about seeing a movie and relaxing. You arn t his mom and you sure aren’t good at communicating with each other. He lied because you did exactly what he thought you would do. Bust his balls.June 20, 2017 at 2:17 pm #635775
@ L, thanks super helpful comment. I didn’t realize I needed to put my entire life out when I was needing help. So I just gave a synopsis of the situation. Lol, next time I will post the custody agreement for you.
In the state we live in there are grandparent rights. Her mom and father actually gets them one night every other weekend and she goes over there and can see them. She actually has supervised visitations. Her parents (the kids grandparents) are the supervisor that we agreed on.
Also nobody said anything about permission or anything else, but thanks for the advise.June 20, 2017 at 2:18 pm #635776
Janet you keep on mentioning this one little lie about him going to see a movie with his own son this just seems like the tip of the ice berg. There’s so much else going on.
I agree with Jane about going to a mediator and also that fact of allowing the kids to have unsupervised visits with his ex who has a record of recent serious drug abuse. That is very worrying.June 20, 2017 at 2:25 pm #635779
@ Jane I do have an amazing life, that’s not the issue. The reason I came here was to get opinions on how to handle this situation. Believe me he is very appreciated and he knows it! Maybe I want to feel appreciated every once in awhile. Him taking me to a movie and us having an afternoon would have done that. No he lied to me because he wanted to avoid telling me the truth. He knew he was breaking a promise to me and chose to do it anyways.
I would like his help around the house a little more. I would like for him to appreciate all the work I put into creating the life that we have. He comes home to dinner and a clean house every night. Maybe I am blowing a movie up to be a bigger thing. I don’t ask for a lot from him. This was something I did ask him for and he said we would do it. End of story!