Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Not over his ex, should I finish things?
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 7 years, 11 months ago by
Tanu.
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Amy
I’ve been seeing this guy for 3 months now; we go on dates 2-3 times a week. We met via an online dating site, and he’s deleted his profile, as has since told me that he wants us to be exclusive. The chemistry is great, conversation flows; he calls me to talk on the phone. However, recently he’s been “pulling away” because he has been ‘stressed at work’, however I sensed there was something else wrong.
We eventually ‘had to talk’. At this point, he gave me the old cliche “It’s me, not you. I don’t want to hurt you, but it boils down to, I’m not over my ex.
He moved back to his hometown in May/June, after ending a 3 year relationship, where he lived with his ex. Apparently, he loved her so much; the relationship was perfect, so much so, for the first time, he could see himself marrying her. The problem was, there were no jobs in the area, so often he would sit at home, unhappy, unemployed, with no prospects and used up most of his savings, just to be with her. In the end, he followed his career and broke up with her, however, because his job isn’t going very well recently, he’s questioned whether he’s lost “this great love” for the sake of something that doesn’t make him happy i.e. the job.
He has told me that his ex is dating someone else, which really upsets him. I don’t know what to do, as whilst I like him, I don’t want to be someone’s ‘back-up’…
I don’t want to be the replacement or ‘rebound’, as I really like this guy. Equally, I am giving him space, and I’m pursuing my own life, so much so, another guy has asked me out, who I get on really well with. So the question is, should I end things with the first guy, since his mind is clearly on the past? Or is it just a case of giving him space?
Sassperilla
Awww honey! Listen, apart from having the same name I also think we could be dating the same guy! Ha… (not really…)
I feel for you as I know this scenario although I have not had verbal confirmation from mine, I have a powerful gut feeling that this is what is holding him back from progressing things with me.
Honestly, now you have talked about it, my personal choice would be to walk away now. Let him go away and have the time and space to think about it. Let him see what it’s like to lose you. You might find he very quickly forgets his ex and realises that he’s confusing his new (scary) feelings for you with old (familiar, comfy) feelings for the ex.
Or he might go all out to get the ex back and move on from you.
Hopefully the first one!
But whatever happens sticking about when someone has essentially just told you that you’re his second choice marks out the roles for the rest of this relationship – you will accept anything to be with him, and he’ll always see you as the next best thing to the ex on a pedestal.
Sometimes I think people should just go back to their exes for a week to realize the rose tinted glasses they have on are lying to them about their sweet memories of the relationship and they would quickly realize they broke up for a good reason!
Honestly I know it will be hard but I think you should leave him to it.
Be kind to yourself xx
talllady
Yeah, I would end it. I would also clarify if his feelings change to give you a call, but you need to be the priority.
Hugs
Jazmine
Hello, I don’t know how I came across this! But girlfriend, I think we are talking about the same guy! The dates you gave march the dates he gave me. The story line is too similar not to be the same guy. He gave me this same story line! I can bet my last penny we are talking about the same guy. Intuition told me it wasn’t just me. He saw me two or three times a week and I think he was juggling the dates between us.
Your narrative is too similar to mine to be just a coincidence. He is a con artist and a serial online dating guy. Yes, he spent all his savings. Yes, he went back to his homeland May/June etc. It is all lies! Infact, a guy who happens to be his neighbour took pity on me and told me outright that the guy is a dating con artist! His story line is concorted and he does give a spin.
Run and don’t look back. I ran and I hope you do the same too. I ditched him towards the end of September.
Jazmine
I mean the lines about pinning for his ex etc is a lie. He just wants to date several women and that is the line he is giving women. I think he is determined that women will pay for how his ex treated him as ‘trash’. In truth, he is trash. A word he seems to use in describing himself. We did date for about 3/4 months after coming back from his homeland. He has done an excellent job of profiling women and understands what makes them tick. Maybe he didn’t tell you that his Ex was married. Yes, he loved her so much and decided to propose marriage blah, blah! I will put my money on it, we are talking about the same guy! His neighbour told me to run. I am telling you to run. He didn’t withdraw because he is still in love with his Ex. He was never there. He is moving on to the next online website gullible woman. He is registered on multiple websites. He had several naked photos etc. He comes accross as a really nice, lonely misunderstood guy and you would never tell he is capable of being a ‘serial online dater.
Tanu
I too going through same situation,it’s been only 1 month I started dating one guy,all thing was going good,we dnt live in a same city,so we usally talk on phone or chat,so I recently went to his city to meet him,we spent two days together,it was very wonderful,but when I came back to my place,he text me that he really not over his past,he told he told me that before only that he and his ex has recently broked up and she got married also with some other guy,now he is saying that he needs time,he replies to my text and call,but things are not like before,I really like him and I dnt want to give up on him,plz suggest what to do.
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