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This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Phillygirl 2 months ago.

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  • #641898 Reply

    N

    Hi everyone, thanks for reading.
    I am in a long term relationship.. I think both my bf and I are immature and have been discovering ourselves. He is not settled in his career so he is genrrally busy and stressed at work. The no.1 issue is he cannot commit to move to the next level like marriage. He cannot promise anything. He cannot plan or decide on even the smallest thing in daily life, because he seems to change his mind very quickly so he is not a planner at all.

    And I keep fighting on that. I am not sure whether I am fighting about this commitment thing or something else. Some talks and actions of his get my hopes up. Sometimes he is closer sometimes he seems ignorant. Maybe Inam super sensitive but without knowing where this is going I cannot feel safe.

    Lately, almost every time when he goes away from me after a date or when he calls less I feel horrible and I pick fights. The more I fight, the more he has doubts. Other aspects of the relationship are good. We are happy and match each other in most areas except this one. I know I should not fight with him. But it seems out of control.
    I do feel I am suppressing my true feelings and wants to stay and I deserve better. I don’t feel good that I am very good but he thinks I am not good enough. He always asks me to be patient and not ask for everything all at a time. But it’s been years long, how much more time do we need?

    #641903 Reply

    Raven

    Your ages please…

    #641908 Reply

    Anne

    Couple of points…. Freedom and the bloom is off the rose.

    His freedom is like his balls. A woman must let a man feel free. All young men need to feel free. You will have to research how to do that. No engagement until he envisions life with you as a free, capable man with a lover and co parent.

    You pick a fight when you part because y sense the bloom is off the rose of love. Be a woman who gives her man respect and space. Don’t micromanage his daily activity and plans. If he changes his mind a lot you are spending too much time together. You are too involved in his decisions. Like a kid, they need to stand on their own.

    You are not being sensible to push marriage with a man whom you view as not able to make a decision. Can you imagine you nagging and chewing him out in front of the kids. Do not get pregnant with him.

    #641918 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Yes, ages please and how long together.

    #641922 Reply

    N

    Thank you. Yes freedom is like his balls.. I really understand it. He is 32 and I am 31. Actually most of the time I do try to handle things in a good way and I did make efforts to improve my way of communication and he is receptive of it. But there are some buttons that he keeps pushing. I cannot handle it. So all the efforts I had put forth seem to be ruined just because I fight. I think he loves me and does try to be a better partner but not to the extend of what I hope for. I feel upset when I sense he doesn’t love me as much as I love him and I feel that at this point I cannot even act normal in front of him.

    #641924 Reply

    Raven

    Given your ages…
    & the disfunction of your relationship, I’d say you’re incompatible…

    That you hang onto this relationship because it’s better than nothing.

    You can’t be yourself around this guy?
    How’s that working for you?
    It probably stinks…

    #641927 Reply

    Emma

    Well you can’t fight him into marrying you, that’s for sure. Think about it calmly. If you can’t stop fighting, your relationship will end, maybe not now, maybe 1-2 years later, when you are 33. You will then need 1-2 years to recover and find some new. You are now 35, a very dangerous age for a woman.

    I think you have no time to waste here. You need to stop fighting him. Make an effort, shut your mouth when you feel an urge, imagine someone would hit you if you don’t, submit. Every time. LOL. How feasible is this for you? Be honest with yourself, is it possible at all?

    If not, if it is going to cost you stress and unhappiness, then you need to pack and leave. You can’t waste any more time. You are not going to fight him into a marriage. So what gives?

    When a 32 year old man can’t make even a slightest decision he is not happy with himself or his life. You are probably emasculating him a lot, suffocating his spirit so to speak. This is not a good feeling for a man. He needs to want to be with you.

    I could have written one sentence: either stop fighting with him or leave. You don’t have any other choice, especially given that you’ve been together for a long time and he is hitting an age where men begin to feen an “itch” and want to start sleeping with other women. I don’t mean to upset you even more, but you need to be realistic here, very realistic. If you continue this way he will leave you sooner than later.

    One thing is clear, he does love you. No man would put up with all the fighting all the time if he didn’t love you. In your shoes I’d learn how to keep my mouth shut. If you want to marry him you need to start doing it asap. LOL. Not everything should go your way, let him have an upper hand, he is man after all.

    #641929 Reply

    Raven

    WHAT did I just read?!

    #641939 Reply

    N

    I did try to keep my mouth shut.. seriously,,but no it is not doable for me. He has the upper hand.

    #641942 Reply

    Raven

    Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are not an equal?

    #641944 Reply

    Anon

    Many relationships are not 50/50 – can’t still be functional and loving as long as they both get what they want.

    You two are not on the same page.

    The sooner you leave, the sooner you will meet a mature man for marriage.

    Not unless you change your mind set completely about marriage in a short future, you will largely create the demise of your current relationship .

    #641945 Reply

    Anon

    Can be functional

    #641946 Reply

    N

    No I don’t feel respected. That’s the main thing. I feel he occassionally turns a blind eye to what I want and need but at the same time make sure he gets his needs met. I did find excuses for him I did forgive him but a voice in my head is saying .. no, he is not willing to sacrifice that much like I am willing to. Things could be different according to different cultures and personality but I am willing to ignore all the hindrances just to make him happy and I am not confident that he is willing to do the same. But he is saying that he has done a lot

    #641947 Reply

    N

    Yes I have seen many relationships where the women make major compromise to keep it work. I did want to do the same but maybe my love is still not that great. I can feel he needs someone like that – just take what he offers and shut the mouth, and actually he will offer the best he could.

    #641949 Reply

    Raven

    Is this really the life you want for the rest of your life?

    #641951 Reply

    N

    Raven, if i am married to him i am ok with this after all my parents are like that. But we are bot married

    #641952 Reply

    N

    *not married

    #641953 Reply

    Raven

    So this is the life you want?

    Good luck to you…

    #641954 Reply

    Jenny

    Nat/Emma/Maria why do you keep changing your name? Whoever you are it is obvious girl!

    So Nat/Emma/Maria must have missed out on having kids because she is super obsessed with women being too old to have them. That said, I think her advice is often good and there is definitely a reason women should worry about their age. However I would not shut-up – being married to someone who makes you bit your tongue all the time is not worth it. Doing everything within your power to have kids is not good for you or for the kids. You are going to spend the rest of your life with this person (hopefully) long after the kids are gone. Compatibility is so important. It also is also not a good place for kids to be in when parents argue a lot. That is really tough on kids. I would break up with him now and spend some time recovering and then date. Women who are reasonably attractive can still get a lot of dates until 36 or so. There is time. Just don’t waste it with this guy. It is hard to leave when you have been with someone for so long – but neither of you are giving each other what you want.

    To women who want to have kids I hope they won’t sacrifice their life of happiness to be with the wrong person in that pursuit. There is always adoption and women are having kids later. I know this is off topic to the original thing but Emma or whoever says that so much I wanted to put out my own perspective. Kids grow up and leave – they are important but not the be all and end all.

    #641958 Reply

    Phillygirl

    It makes me cringe when a woman doesn’t love herself enough to walk away from a situation that is clearly not going to change- with a man who doesn’t respect you, is immature, unsettled, and directionless. He’s not a kid, he’s in his 30’s for pete’s sake.

    Both parties in a relatiosnhip have to be able to calmly and honestly express themselves. How else do you commuunicate. Without solid communication and good conflict resolution skills no relationship can survive. You fight because you don’t feel “heard” and he doesn’t respect your feelings and can’t communicate. While I agree dredging the same things up solves nothing, if nothing is getting solved when you try to talk, then this is what happens. What a waste of time.

    Relationships take work, but that means two people working together as team. Life is too short to be with someone who can’t make up their mind and who demonstrates there are some real compatibility issues.

    Love IS NOT enough. That is only one key component (of many) needed in any successful relationship.

    I can tell you right now I WOULD NOT want a life with a man like this. Why are you so willing to sell yourself SO short.

    We get the treatment we allow, reinforce, reward…or put a stop to. You cant make anyone do anything, but you can always decide enough is enough. In most cases I don’t advocate for women trying to work things out on this forum, becaue the posts usually reveal glaring issues that make it obvious you are wasting your time. This is no exception.

    When I hear two people who love, respect, honor, admire and consider one another, but have problems..those are the relationships worth fighting for…not this.

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