No reply in 5 days. He's lost interest, right?


Home Forums Texting Advice No reply in 5 days. He's lost interest, right?

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  • #445242 Reply
    Mandy

    I’m currently on vacation and have been for over a month, so there’s no way of gauging his interest apart from texts. We’ve been dating for a little over 2 months (including my time away).

    Before I left, our dates had been great, and he was the one initiating everything. A week ago, via text he confided some good news to me that he wanted to keep quiet, which my friend said was a good sign because he trusted me and I felt really happy that he wanted to share the news with me, especially as I know he doesn’t open up to many people at all. He’s also expressed interest in knowing when I return from my trip (in two weeks).

    But it’s been 5 days since he replied to my message, and that usually never happens. If it does, he would give me a heads up, or apologise after just a day or two of no response. I know he’s usually extremely busy, but even so we have managed to keep messaging consistently. I don’t know if maybe he’s just dating others/lost interest, or maybe he is just becoming comfortable with messaging less since we’ve been dating for a while and he knows I’m on holiday?

    My last message was quite short, playful and I shared a photo from my trip, so I’m sure I didn’t come across as needy. Thanks to FB messenger, I know he’s been active on social messaging in the past few days. I wish I hadn’t looked but oh well!

    I want to give him a chance because I really like him, but I also want to protect myself from getting hurt. As far as he’s aware, I’m just having fun on holiday and haven’t even noticed he hasn’t replied. :p

    What should I do, and more importantly, what do I make of this? I’m trying to tell myself to date others, focus on myself, etc. but I find myself thinking about this a lot, and I want to find a way to calm my mind! Any encouragement would be appreciated, ladies! :(

    #445243 Reply
    Rose

    Have fun and forget about his lack of reply for now. Maybe he doesn’t want to interrupt your vacation as they like to concentrate on one thing at a time they might think we want that too or he did lose interest but only way to know is wait till you return and see.

    #445249 Reply
    good dancer

    i am so sick to death of this whole thing where all of us women are so worried about being “needy” when really all we are asking is to be treated reasonably and with RESPECT.

    Look up Amy Youngs dating video titled ” I am not needy, i have needs”

    There is a difference!!

    #445254 Reply
    Talllady

    Well is he your actual boyfriend? Are you entitled to be upset probably, but on the other hand you’re not around and so a little bit of out of sight out of mind. My personal feeling is is that you should gauge his level of interest as soon as you get home not while you’re away there’s not much you can do while you’re away. In addition you never agreed to a certain amount of contact. If he’s your boyfriend however, officially, I would text him again something playful and just gently remind him that you love hearing from him and that it makes you feel good. And it keeps you connected. I’m not sure if there’s anything to really worry about here because the reality is you’re not physically there so it’s not like he’s not asking you out or something like that.

    #445258 Reply
    Mandy

    Thanks ladies! We are definitely not boyfriend-girlfriend in my eyes. Everything is fun, affectionate and casual but with a view to long term compatibility. I know I should wait until I’m back. It’s just this in-between stage is confusing for me. :(

    Gooddancer, I definitely agree with what you’re saying! I’m not afraid of asserting my needs if we’re in a relationship, and I’d be the first to let someone go if they weren’t considerate of my needs. At this initial getting-to-know-you stage I’m conscious not to come across specifically as overly needy/clingy/un-confident etc., and if by the time I return he is still giving me mixed signals then I’ll assert my ‘needs’ and end things. :p

    #445274 Reply
    L.H.

    I’ve been there myself. Once I moved on, they came back and begged me for attention. But I don’t let anyone treat me that way. That is just immature. This kind of behavior has nothing to do with you. It isn’t because he’s not interested in you. It has a lot to do with he is more interested in his own needs and you are not the priority. He may have forgotten or been busy. Remember it only takes a few seconds to say hi, and he didn’t. There is no excuse. Anyway, Rose is right about having fun. You should focus on yourself and your needs. If this guy doesn’t treat you special, another guy will. If you’re posting this message, your intuition is telling you something doesn’t quite add up. I think you should listen to it. Go have fun and don’t worry about him. Your time is precious. He will try to contact you again, but you should remember this experience and be careful. You deserve better.

    #445278 Reply
    Gemini615

    He’s not your boyfriend, you’re just casually seeing each other, and you’ve been away for quite a while so I wouldn’t read too much into the texting. You cannot truly gauge his feelings towards you until you return from your trip and are spending physical time with him. I think he’s also probably busy with other things and he figures you’re on vacation so he’s not going to disturb you too much. If he was the one that was away, he probably wouldn’t want to be bothered by texts all the time while he’s on vacation.

    Just see how things go after a few weeks when you get back.

    #445298 Reply
    Maria

    Immature and manipulative behaviour. Do not allow it. Have self respect and dignity and be straight forward. Lets not make up excuses for something that is simply ruse. If a person acts like that in the beginning what do you think they’d be like later on? If someone is late for a job interview without a REALLY valid reason (and a phone call to send a warning), would we hire them?

    I have been reading this forum for a few weeks and I find that 80-90% of issues women complain about relate to men “ignoring” them, not replying, ghosting, disappearing, taking too long to reply short texts, unpleasant delays with replies..We all know this is NOT ok, then why, why on earth do we put up with this? I know plenty of guys who do NOT behave this way, regardless of the situation. They respond to messages on time and if they are not interested, they very politely explain and let you know, and maintain civilized behaviour. Just because 90% are immature jerks, this does not mean we should put up with this. Use this as a screening tool. The sooner this behaviour start the better it is, drop them and move on.

    #445314 Reply
    Vanessa

    Maria and LH, are you guys serious?? Did you read the same post?

    Mandy, you’re on holiday and writing on new mode about a guy you dated maybe a month before you left. There’s no investment there and I don’t fault the guy. You’re simply providing him entertainment with your texting while you’re away. He can’t see you. Why text him so often, anyway? So he won’t forget about you? You should be out enjoying yourself instead of worrying about someone you barely know. Men connect in person, not through words. See how things go when you get back. And if they don’t continue, again, you can’t fault the guy. You were gone for a long time. By the way, so jealous you’re able to go away on holiday for so long! :-)

    #445321 Reply
    Khadija

    Mandy,
    This must be awesome to vacation for this period of time. Enjoy it!
    If he’s there when you return great if not that’s fine too.
    You barely know him and you know what he may be dating others.
    Let this go please.

    #445322 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    I agree that this is not necessarily good. I would also not want to be treated this way. If you are important to someone, they will write to you pretty much on a daily basis. One or two days nothing, ok, at this point, perfectly fine but a lot more than that may mean something not good or may mean nothing at all but still it is not necessarily respectful and yes I too agree that women have their needs which does not equal being needy. When I have my needs and they are not met, I communicate them BUT only if it is something really important and the at the right time and right way.

    It did happen to me that my BF with whom we are in a LDR but meeting generally so far every two-three weeks for something a few days or a couple of weeks did not call or write for almost two days and I was very unhappy with him. I did tell him that in a nice way and let him know that I was worried as I knew he was flying and also was important to me that he got there since I was following a couple of days later. He understood and never missed a single day since then.

    I explained to him that texting only takes half a minute and I totally understand if he is too busy or in a bad mood but please be so kind to let me know especially about something this important. Guess this is a pet peeve of mine but really when we started dating he pulled it also that he called me after he arrived in my city of work by which time I was leaving to travel home and no I did not change plans for him.

    THAT SAID and this is important, communicating someone about this even in the nicest way will ONLY work if you are boyfriend-girlfriend, otherwise perhaps mention it later as now you have no right yet. Also, quite obviously it will only work if you are important to the other person and they want to really make you happy. Thirdly, you should never keep complaining and being needy of course, only discuss very important issues to you and not often for sure.

    In addition and this is important, total lack of response can be expected this early in the game and before a committed relationship is formed. Unfortunately, and this is the toughest, you have no idea why it is happening. While it may mean absolutely nothing, it could also mean that he is no longer interested and/or got involved with someone. Surely, most likely scenario is that if he was really that into you, he would be writing but sometimes this is not true either.

    It happened to me after a few weeks with someone that they too did not write for about this long.- As it turned out also though, he was with someone else-. So, while he was totally into me, unbeknownst to me, he was with his live-in girlfriend travelling somewhere.

    In most cases if there is silence for this long, it does, unfortunately, mean something not so great, so be prepared for whatever happens you will be fine, let him contact you and I still hope that things turn out fine for you. Keep us posted please.

    #445340 Reply
    Miss_Aspiring

    “As far as he’s aware, I’m just having fun on holiday and haven’t even noticed he hasn’t replied.”

    YES. Be that girl. Be the hot, sexy girl who’s having fun on holiday and hasn’t even noticed.

    #445498 Reply
    Mandy

    @miss_aspiring: Definitely being that girl! There are quite a few men chasing me at the moment anyway, which is a nice confidence boost!

    Yeah it’s true, can’t fault the guy when I’ve been away for so long so early on in the dating relationship.

    Having said that, I forgot to mention that something similar happened right at the start of our dating relationship, where we went through a month or so of no contact after our first date, and it had no bearing on his interest levels.

    Our first date was just a casual coffee date, where I told him I had to go away for over a month for work and travel. We didn’t communicate at all in that month and I didn’t care at that point as I had no expectations from him. He later messaged me to arrange a second date before I got back, and things just progressed really naturally once I returned.

    Not sure whether that changes things since I would expect more contact now that we’ve been seeing each other, but still. I’ve decided to refocus away from him and see what happens when I get back – approaching with caution! I’ll keep you updated if I hear back from him too. In the meantime, I am possibly heading to Thailand! :) I’ll definitely make it a mission to enjoy myself to the max.

    #445515 Reply
    Sensy

    I don’t agree with the texting him at all unless for information such as what time did you say? It will always come across chasing to a guy.

    #445530 Reply
    Hannah

    Men don’t like to text and don’t feel the need to constantly be in touch. It’s that simple! When im away on business my husband only responds to clarify he’s alive and the house hasn’t burned down because I ask him. Apart from that he’d wait until I was home and we could be together again.

    It’s not a lack of respect or interest, it’s a different communication style.

    #445552 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    This can be true, that said if a man is in love, he WILL make the effort to text and call because he wants to make sure that he has you and only you. It is different though in the beginning and also in a long-term marriage. That said, I would expect to see this guy to get increasingly more interested but it can take a while. I too say just have fun, enjoy yourself, there is nothing you can do from far away anyhow and even if you were right there and he had lost interest, most likely it would be a lost case. Keep us posted, let´s hope that if you like him, he gets in touch with you when you get home.

    #445553 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    Sorry I meant to say that “he has you and only he has you”. Guys will act possessive when in love and will make an extra effort to text and/or call, get in touch in any way possible to ensure that they are on your mind.

    I think in this case it does not sound like you are in love yet either so just take it easy and have fun.

    In my LDR in the beginning my BF called and texted much less, which increased a lot after a month or two when he made sure that he would call me every day and also at least text a few times in the evening.

    There was a time though when after the initial, right at the beginning, emails with music and romantic stuff, he quit that and it happened that he did not call once for two days, for other reasons, but it meant nothing bad and by now if he is unable to call due to say travelling all day, he may send me a worried email to make sure I understand that he is still thinking of me.

    Then again not all guys are the same but even the most macho guys have texted me when they were really into me.

    Give it some time, hopefully it will develop instead of meaning something bad.

    #445578 Reply
    Mandy

    So he just replied and apologised for the very late reply, but didn’t say a reason. Presumably there was none, just didn’t really bother to reply. He also continued the conversation we were having, and asked me where I am at the moment.

    After all of this waiting and analysing, I’m not really feeling that fussed about him or replying anytime soon! Is that mean? It’s not, is it. I think I’ll leave it and if I feel like replying, I will. He doesn’t really owe me consistent messaging like you said, but I don’t owe him that either. :)

    Any thoughts on what I should do would also be welcome, as always. Thanks for bearing with me, ladies! I appreciate it.

    #445591 Reply
    Sensy

    Mandy, advice here is to shift the focus on yourself and be in”the present”and focus your attention on your surroundings.

    #445592 Reply
    Sensy

    Shift away from the emotional side to what is going on in the present (where you are physically present). Reserve the focus on him for when you are actually in his presence. Hope this helps.

    #445602 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Wow…lots of different viewpoints. Boy did you open a can of worms…lol.

    You have the problem all relationships have – expectations. When someone does not fill our expectations we look for meaning.

    My biggest question is do you have the right to have any expectations at this point? I think not…

    You are in the scoping phase…no expectations just gathering information. You are watching the person and finding out all about them. You now know that in this situation he does not feel the need to text you too often…we have yet to determine why. It could be a myriad of reasons.

    As he takes actions or not take actions it is time to just log that in your book…do not judge those actions yet…just log.

    When you return and if you continue to date you should continue to log. Meet his friends and log, meet his family and log, watch how he treats elders, children, pets, note his values, morals, interests, etc. and log and log. At the six month mark it is time to evaluate (if you have continued to date.) Look at what he has done – who he really is – does he meet your standards? If all this is good (not perfect) then let your feelings come in and find out if you love him now that you know him.

    #445607 Reply
    JR

    Hey girl, you are on vacation. Don’t worry about him! If he’s interested he’ll be happy to see you when you get back. I prob wouldn’t contact a new person I just met while they were on vacation! I would wait till they got back. If they happen to send me pics or texts here and there I”d be happy to reply to them.

    You barely no this man, so don’t get too invested or hurt over this. ENJOY YOUR VACATION.

    #445673 Reply
    Mandy

    Thanks for your replies!

    RCS – I agree, I have expectations now, whether rightly or wrongly. I expect that he continues his texting behaviour, and freak out when it changes. I need to get over that and have zero texting expectations again.

    Definitely will be calmly observing. Although I’m on vacation, I’m staying with family and have a lot of time to re-connect with friends from home, so that’s why it’s been tempting to reply to him since I’ve been messaging all my other friends as normal. I met him through friends a while before we started dating, so rest assured he’s not a complete stranger that I’m getting hung up on after only 2 months. Having said that, I still don’t know him well enough so I’ll just hold back and enjoy whatever is present in my life!

    How about my reply? Would it be rude if I didn’t reply to him for a while, considering he’s just apologised for taking a long time to reply? I feel like just saying ‘no worries!’ and ending the texting back and forth, but wonder if it would come across as rude or disinterested…

    #445790 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    Sigh, expectations get us into so much trouble sometimes.:))) It is hard to draw the line between expectations and just evaluating behavior. Evaluating can also easily become testing, which is not good as that is already based on expectations. I try to relax on expectations and things become easier once you do, then if someone is treating you right you will notice it but become able to not get upset over little things. Women tend to throw fits based on such small things which we consider expectations not met. I think it is one of the biggest mistakes which can make even the best guys run and never look back. Keep us posted.

    #446426 Reply
    Mandy

    Update for those interested: I took two days to reply, only because I didn’t feel like replying at that time. I didn’t acknowledge his apology for his late text since it didn’t really come with a valid reason, so I just casually responded and continued a conversation. He replied soon within one day, and after that, I decided to shut down the texting back and forth in my last reply to him. I basically answered a question of his, and then said that I hoped all was well with him back at home, not asking anything more or continuing any chats. If he wants to get in touch after I return, we’ll see how things go, and I’d approach with caution.

    In the meantime, I’m enjoying my connections with other men who are pursuing me quite sweetly and intently, and having fun with friends and family on holiday. I don’t feel obsessive any more, and don’t feel any need to analyze his behaviour in the slightest. If he wants to make effort to be with me, he can, and if not, then I’m genuinely not interested either! :)

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