Need Advice


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  • #935053 Reply
    A

    I’ve been dating a guy for about 6 weeks. Dating as in he takes me on real dates and we have sex. We enjoy each others company. My grandma recently died and I’ve been leaning on him for support. He’s been emotionally available and helping me get through it but he said something along the lines of “I like to help people. I like you as a person and if one of my friends needs help I want to be there.” UMM HOLD THE PHONE. Did you just say friends? I asked him about it and he said “well we’re not official so yes just friends. Obviously we’re more than friends but you know what I mean.” This is a guy who has been chasing me hard. Calls me multiple times a days, says good morning, good night, I want to be with you, I like you so much but I’m worried you don’t like me, sends me “thinking about you” texts. WTF. Am I wasting my time or is it just too early to DTR. I don’t mind seeing where things go and sticking around but at the time I don’t want to look like a complete fool and doormat.

    Appreciate the advice. Thanks!!

    #935054 Reply
    Ewa

    6 weeks is not that long but then again it is. Are you at least exclusive? sexually?
    I think it would be good to ask if he sees it going anywhere, because to me it looks like he is not going to make you his gf anytime soon.
    I was in your position before, same pattern, calls, texts, he always planned dates, always paid etc and then let’s go with the flow, I am not ready etc etc
    you can stick around for another month or 2 but if after that he is still saying the same thing, this is not going anywhere.
    I do believe though that guys usually know around 2-3 months , sometimes even earlier if they want to be with you, so if after 6 weeks you are just friends then chances are this will end soon.

    #935061 Reply
    Maddie

    Sounds like he’s fishing because he doesn’t know where you stand (if he says things like “I’m worried you don’t like me”) and he’s insecure. I don’t think the friends comment means he doesn’t like you, but it also sounds like his behavior overall is over the top. Do you feel like he’s in love-bombing territory and something feels a bit off or uncomfortable in that way? If he’s love-bombing (which is always a red flag!) then this sounds manipulative. If he’s not and he’s just so insecure after 6 weeks then that’s not great either, but it’s up to you if you want to keep seeing him. But I don’t see this comment as him saying he’s not actually ready or looking for a committed relationship with you.

    I do think defining the relationship already would be rushing, since it sounds like things are uneven because he’s pushing so hard and you need some more time to see if he’s one of these guys who comes on too strong then quickly flames out. But if you are still interested in seeing where things go, there’s no harm in asking him what kind of relationship he’s looking for in general with the right person and really listening to his answer.

    #935223 Reply
    M

    His comments sound suspect to me. As if he’s making you aware that you’re not officially his girlfriend. (And that’s basically how he put it, right?)

    Everyone’s different but I’d personally be very unhappy about this. If I were sleeping with someone, I’d either be their girlfriend, or I’d be out.

    What’s the point of being with someone, and exclusively devoting yourself to someone when he’s expressly telling you he’s not your boyfriend and your not his girlfriend?

    What are you then? Just someone to fill in the gap until the woman he wants to really be with long term, comes along?

    If the conversation hadn’t come up, I wouldn’t necessarily have suggested broaching it of course. But it has, and it’s not easy to ignore now.

    That all being said, I think it’s important to consider what might be behind his words and thinking.

    It may be that it was too draining for him to give you so much emotional support (if it has been a lot?) given you’ve only been dating 6 weeks. I get that, and understand it.

    (And I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my grandma too a couple of months ago and it was super hard.)

    Still, I don’t think it was a cool thing for him to say. And not respectful either.

    The question is, are you cool with dating and sleeping with someone who’s just told you that he feels like you’re more than friends but not his girlfriend?

    And do you think there’s lost connection purely because of the grief you’re dealing with? Is it something that you can regain?

    Again I’m sorry for your loss. Coincidently, I was semi-involved with someone at the time my grandma died. His behaviour (ie lack of compassion and respect) told me a lot about his character, and although one might think that the timing was bad and unfortunate because it caused it added to the rift between us, I think my grandma blessed me on her way out.

    Of course my situation was different in a few ways to what you’re dealing with here. But the point still stands that he’s showing you who he is. OR at least how he feels at this point in time.

    Is his behaviour reasonable do you think? Ie do you think your grief (which is natural and understandable of course) has put strain on a relationship still at it’s very early stages? Do you think he feels a loss of connection and it’s only reasonable that he should suddenly feel differently about the dynamic between you?

    Or is this more about him wanting to have his cake and eat it at the same time?

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