my really last topic in here for closure :) hopefully :)


Home Forums Break Up Advice my really last topic in here for closure :) hopefully :)

This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 4 days, 8 hours ago.

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  • #671402 Reply

    Simi Jori

    Yes, it is me again, I am BF-less and still writing here lol I just need to find some clarity and jsut ask if you take it as “normal” behaviour of someone or whether I am really better off.

    This is mainly for those who read my previous sobbing stories. I will just summarize in points…
    I wil ltry my best to put it objectively so I am not the good guy and him the bad guy.

    12/2014 we meet on a dating site
    beginning 04/2015 we meet in person
    gradually he brings more and more bags to my flat (I live with my daughter) and somehow it happens he lives with us.

    05-06/2015 I ask him whether he was not thinking of having his daugter (9 at that time) in his sole custody as she was unhappy with her mum (his story). I asked hime twice and he looks at my eyes and said no. Ok. I meet his parents. He is strong introvert with no friends nearly so Idont meet any of his friends. I meet his sister and brother.

    start of 07/2015 he has his knee surgery, I help him with everything and take care of him.

    07/2015 I go to our hoiday abroad with my duaghter as we planned that and paid ofr that in January. He stays in our flat.

    Meanwhile those months he tries to rearrange my flat, bringing more staff. He rearrenged my bookcase (I love books and I take it as really, really bad idea)
    Meanwhile we re on holidays his sister and one friend comes aparrently to our flat without me knowing bringing more staff (like pillows, fan…)
    I am losing my patience, nerves, everything. When we return from our holiday I find out he repainted our hall )the hall was disaster, he did it nicely, but still without me knowing)

    I am starting to get lost in depression and doubt if everything this is normal. He is at home with his knee. He has his work, well paid and is very respected in there.
    One day I come home and find his name on the mailbox. He apparently put the sticker with his name when I was out at work and taking it down before I come home, it was just for the postman due waiting for documents because of his knee and sick days at work.

    08/2015 I am finally feeling very depressed like my life was taken over. I can see his behaving is not ok, he makes victim in everything with everyone, everybody is bad at him.

    Once his daughter, who is really just a 9yo girl but behaving like an adult forgets her mouth and spills out that at school there was finally the lady from social services to see her before the custody court. I freak out what custody court. He apparently lied and didnt want to tell me, he excused himself as it takes looong time before the court and thats why he didnt tell me.

    I got really upset, I told him we would sort it out on Sunday as I didnt want to ruin holiday (his daughter was staying with us all week due to summer holiday) for his daughter as they see each other so little.

    Next day I am at work and just call him in the morning idk why now, and it shows up he packed his bags already and leaving, he left my daughter sleeping (8 years) in bed and he wanted to leave her sleeping. I freaked out and ran home with our grandad as I was scared my daughter would wake up completly home alone suddenly. I catch him at the door leaving.

    Omg when I write this it really seams crazy enough. well…..

    It took me many months to get myself together. forward one year….

    half 09/2016 somebody rang on door (we live in block of flats) I thought it was our neighbour as I was awating him to sort docuemnts.

    ther was him, holding two cans of sweet beer with his daughter telling me, they moved downstairs. In shock I wold never ever get rid of him I told him I didnt have time and space to sort these things and shut the door.

    Two days later he knocks again whether my daughter would like to play at their home with his daughter. I did invite his daughter to our place as girls obvously missed each other.
    His duaghter comes to ourhome EVERY SINGLE DAY, when we try to avoid she learns to sit on stairs sometimes at dark to wait for us to come home. creepy. she makes is a habit she oversleeps friday/saturday and saturday/sunday when my little one is at home (not with her dad). as it showed up later he wond the custody court and got her into sole custody in 06/2016, he had GF meanwhile who kicked him out (03-08/2016) in another city.

    since 09/2016 he was apparently on dating sites taking women out like family trips, and home for nights (that explains why his daughter was knocking at our door in her pyjamas so frequently). Ididnt even talk to him, didnt even say hi, nothing.
    she even wanted to stay with us on christmas.

    03/2017 he did his best I would notice him. he succeded 04/2017 when we got back together and he was appologizing he left at that time saying his ex-wife bank forced execution on him and he didnt want to get me into trouble, thats why he left. for some strange reason I took this excue.
    05/2017 I fell in love deeply to my surprise. He did all he could, but I felt soemthing was missing, like human warm and our needs in seeing each other, texting etc. didnt meet, I felt clingy and needy (many stories in here). He comared me to his first love often who died and told me he loved me.
    06-11/2017 we live like one family in two flats. still I feel something is off, I feel needy, clingy, and he explains me he is wired like this. I try my best, he tries his best.

    in 06/2017 we agree to go to abroad holiday together which I planned since 11/2016, I let him buy the tickets so I would pay in cash to him. He fails to buy them telling me he bought them but after I check the seats are still for offer. I confront him and was very angry at him. he did not apologize and just got offended. If I didnt check we woudl be waiting at 2am in city for our bus who would go without us.

    however, all these differences in needs bring many disputes. I got upset his mum doesnt even know we are back toghether (as he said he didnt talk to her much) and none of his friends know about me (at least some friends online as he is having pt work as IT ofr hs own web ortal). I got really upset I didnt even belong on his fb friends till then. I got really upset and told him I had enough and broke up. In the morning I come to apologize and get back together.

    03-06/2017 (before me), 09/2017 his duaghte doesnt go to school. jsut like that. she prepares her bag and doesnt go to school in the morning. she misses like 80% each month. he finds out in 05/2017. as his first reactiong was to cover it up. buy her new glasses in case it was for her sight. but new stationary. buy new clother. he tries everything so she would feel ok not to be afraid to go to school. As he installs tracking into her mobile, it happens I run from work to get her out of bed to school. he is losing his days off at work on staying at home making sure she goes to school. Teachers are helpful, but even when he helps her, pack the bag with her in the evneing, she promises to go to school, in the morning she sists in her pyjamas watching tv.

    I tell him steps to see terapeut, psychologist, to at least take her mobile away.

    he is invited to social services where they support him with his idea the teacher is hoorible, it is just soemthing small and just go home everything is alright.

    end 09-10/2017 he gets really upset and at his work of 6-7 years, he ends one day his work just like this and stays at home to make sure she goes to school every day. after two months he gets back to work as they wanted him back and she goes to school ok sincethen.

    start 11/2017 we argue and he takes it as me breaking up with him (I didnt!). i let it calm down 4 days, then knock on his door to sort things out. He tells me his daughter prohibits me entering their home. He invites me to sit be at hall with him at least, we talk, sit on the floor, explain everything to each other, kiss, hug. I go home. Next day just one message. The other day, Friday our holiday, I just call him telling smilling I understand I cannot go downstairs btu I would like to invite him for tea upstaris. He says queitle his daughter prohibits him to go upstarirs and to understand it as he is afraid she would not go to school again. suddenly next week nothing is valid anymore and we sea each other by the ned of the week when he is bit colder.

    11/2017 I find really cheap flights to see my friends in Manchster and Dublin, they invite us and them both to their home. since then we talk more, he does his best to make him happy, but still i feel something is odd. his daughter lies about dance classes, he says all people from the community hose where the dance classes are are lying and she is telling truth.

    24/11/2017 he is sick at home as he argued at work the previous day. I probably sound nagging and have bad voice on the phone. I also mentioned theyling about the dance classes. my boss is coming so i quickly hang up. before that we agree to sort everything out in the evening andto buy the airtickets in the evening.

    in the evening he opens with serous face, doesnt really even invite me in abut I was with my daugther who just got in so I did too. No kiss, no hug. I understand he doesnt feel well. when i ask him what was wrong he tells in very serous face that after the phone call his daughter told him she doesnt want to come with us for the trip anymore so they are not going (if you know how hard is to find airtcikets + transfer + days off on very tight budget it is very hard). I asked why. apparantly I had bad voice and was nagging. i apologized and said my boss wanted to see me and I was maybe abrupt and also I had to hang up for that reason. He said he didnt know that.

    I started to cry. a lot. i was tired of all taht and very hopeless. I broke down. I couldnt breath and catch my breath. he was trying to make me sit and told me he was calling emergency as I couldnt catch my breath (panick attack? astma? i have astma). during this happy minutes I tell him i dont allow anyone to hurt me like that that it was too much and that the last realtionship was abusive and this was one was just emtoinally abusive and i was not letting anymone to abuse me like that. I told him I was breaking up with him. I could see his face changed upset and left to another room. My little one got scared seeing me like that and started to cry. after I caught my breath I was just sitting there sobbing. He kissed me and told me to have happy life and when I asked for five minutes with hime he said they were going out with the dog.

    that was 24/11.
    on 2/12 he joins back on the dating site. to one of my friend who is on the dating site he says he is basically 8 years alone, expceially 1 1/2 year alone )i jsut didnt exist).
    well to my other friend who he recognized online he said I scared the girls, that I did soemthin unpropriate /didnt said excatly what) and taht he doesnt want to teach his daughter to such things. even his daughter doesnt really want to see me there. he also said he lived me the same like his first love.
    03/12 he erase all his facebook account.
    I just found out that that since 1/12 there is a new advert telling his flat is for rent again, so he had to decide 4-5 days after all that. he still has my camera and my keys (as I have his).

    i dont know why I write all this. just venting to have a closure for this.

    #671423 Reply

    Hmm

    Please don’t take this the wrong way. What I find disturbing about your post is that it is so clear this relationship was a disaster for years! And yet even after putting together a very detailed timeline of that disaster you did not say what I would have hoped or expected. I would expect you to reflect on it and say thank God I’m out of this. I am so relieved to be over this disaster and can now relax and focus on getting my life back in order. What was I thinking?

    Those are the things I would have hoped you would be feeling right now. Throw his key away. Change the locks on your door and do not worry about getting your key back. Forget the camera. After all this letting go of a camera is the least of what you should be focusing on.

    You made the right decision to break this off. Now delete everything about him and let this experience stay in the past. Don’t start dating anytime soon. Just focus on you. And definitely focus in your daughter. You owe her a mom that is emotionally healthy and she should never had to see you have a break down in front her because of that man. You can’t change what happened but you can show her a strong mom and female role model who does not allow anyone, especially some man to walk all over her and treat her badly.

    #671443 Reply

    Amanda

    This guy is leaving his 9-year old daughter home-alone on the weekends while he goes out with online dates?! What on earth is the mother like for him to get full custody? You are in a rough situation now because the daughter is attached to yours. If he moves then never talk to him, shut him out of your life, and get you and your daughter in therapy. If he stays and his daughter keeps coming by… I don’t know. If you know the mother is decent I would tell child protective services. I could never turn away a child who shows up at my door abandoned by her father, but that’s just me.

    #671501 Reply

    Lane

    Call child protection services, seruousky! And you need to get out of the co-dependent trap with a skilled therapist! Move and get out of this mess for your own sake and sanity!

    He’s a grown a$$ man and needs to grow the f up! He is not your responsibility and once you get this trough your hick skull you MAY have the chance at happiness!!

    #671502 Reply

    Lane

    Darn phone… meant “once you get this through your thick skull…”

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