My "NSA" partner won't be honest about whether he is seeing someone


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This topic contains 113 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Marie 1 month, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #653517 Reply

    Marie

    I’ve posted here before and unfortunately am still sticking around this guy. Long story short…

    I am 30 years old and am trapped in an NSA arrangement with the first guy I fell in love with. I was in it from when I was 17-22 because I took anything I could get. He was definitely a player then. I moved on realizing I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I totally ghosted him. He tried contacting me for a long time, which I constantly blew off.

    A couple years later he started seeing someone and got her pregnant. They had a courthouse wedding, and I ran into them literally an hour after it. I felt awful about how I treated him and unblocked him. Ten months later he contracted me, saying he filed for divorce. It was literally the same day he contacted me. He kept asking me to get together, and eventually I agreed. I had no interest in anything with him and had no expectation of it, since he JUST filed for divorce.

    We hung out a couple times, and all my feelings came rushing back. It seemed like he genuinely cared and enjoyed being around me. Then he said he wasn’t ready for more and was only capable o f sex. I said no way because I didn’t want to be in that situation again. Eventually I agreed thinking I’d get him out of my system and move on again.

    Well this has been going on for over a year now. His divorce was finalized several months ago; it and the custody battle were VERY bad. He has been very stressed and angry at times. We went several months without seeing each other but then got together 3 times in July. I decided I had to tell him how I feel (in case he couldn’t tell.) I thought he would tell me he didn’t feel the same, and I could move on.

    He was clearly happy to hear how I felt. In fact, it was the happiest he has looked in a long time. I knew he wasn’t capable of having a relationship though and kind of dropped the convo quickly. Things were good for a couple weeks after, despite my worrying that he would freak out and disappear.

    Then, last week I found out his Facebook status says in a relationship. I was absolutely devastated. Here I was thinking it seemed like he cared but just wasn’t looking for anything serious. I wrote him a long, heartfelt message about how finding it out impacted me. I said I felt like an idiot for being a side piece. I said I felt like a fool for sitting there telling him how much I care while he is with someone. I wished him well but said I was done. His only response was that I shouldn’t believe what I read on social media. I told him I wasn’t mad but just wanted to know how he ever viewed me. He again said not to believe it, then said he was busy and quit talking. I desperately needed closure and really needed to know if he never viewed me as more than a hookup. I was also especially upset because the girl looked so trashy. We couldn’t be more different. I felt just awful that he viewed her as more desirable than me. I messaged him again a couple days later saying that I just needed to know what he ever thought of me as. He again said not to believe it and then said he was with his kids and had to go.

    I am so lost. I really feel like deep down he cares about me, though I realize he isn’t the guy for me. My male friend believes he doesn’t think he deserves me and that this is a fling that won’t last. He also said I’m the good girl he needs but isn’t ready for.

    So, what do you guys think? Please don’t just bash the situation. I know it’s going nowhere and am finally ready to move on. I just want to know why everyone thinks he keeps saying not to believe it. Is he just pretending to be in a relationship so he can have sex with her? This girl does not look like anyone he would ever bring around his kids. Why won’t he answer how he ever viewed me?

    #653520 Reply

    Amanda

    Honey what can we say? We all warned you that no answer was not a “feeling the same way” answer. We all told you he treated you like crap and doesn’t care about you. You refused to listen. And now something entirely predictable happens. And you are still trying to contact him. You need serious therapy and complete no contact from this guy. He has a picture of himself and another girl on social media and is now lying to you about it and blowing smoke up your a$s about not believing what HE HIMSELF posted on social media. Please go into no contact and therapy. If you work hard and get through this you can have a real relationship with a man who loves you. This man is a sociopath.

    #653522 Reply

    Hannah

    You do know NSA means no strings attached? That means you’re 100% a hook up and he should be for you. He isn’t though is he?

    It’s like accepting a job at a fast food chain and expcecting it to turn into a job with a lawyer’s salary.

    You got what you accepted.

    I don’t want to bash you but you’ve had consistently bad treatment from this man. When are you finally hoing

    #653523 Reply

    Hannah

    Urgh this website!

    When are you finally going to accept this is never going to end up in something that makes you happy? He’s not into you. It’s painful but you have to accept it. He married someone else for God’s sake!

    How much more proof do you need?

    #653524 Reply

    Marie

    He didn’t post pics of them. He and I aren’t friends on Facebook, but his relationship status was always public so I could see that it was single. I just recently realized it wasn’t public anymore, so I looked through comments on his posts. I found one that stood out, clicked on the girl, and saw that she has them in a relationship. I assume when he accepted it he made the status private to either the public or everyone But her.

    And I’m not making excuses. And I’m not tying to contact him anymore. I just wanted answers, which he wouldn’t give me because he just denied it.

    #653525 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Sorry, but this is ALL YOUR fault! I remember your story, and everyone pretty much told you to get your self esteem in order and RUN from this guy.

    This update is not surprising at all. It is the only logical outcome.

    Sweetie, pick up your dignity and forget this LOSER, and head straight to therapy. Your self esteem and boundaries are in a shambles. Until you fix that, you will never find a good guy or learn the art of “NO”.

    Walking (running) the other direction from this guy is the only answer. STOP doing this to yourself.

    HE DOESN”T CARE ABOUT YOU. What’s worse, is that you aren’t acting like you care about you!

    Stop the insanity!!

    #653527 Reply

    Marie

    Hannah-no, he’s not a hook up to me. I’ve never hooked up with anyone I wasn’t in a relationship with. I did this thinking I’d lose interest in him again.

    I guess what makes it hard for me is wondering why he spent over a year trying to contact me after I ghosted him. It was legit obsessive for months, which made me certain at the time that he must have cared.

    #653529 Reply

    Marie

    Phillygirl-I AM done this time. Never before have I said that. At first I was devastated thinking he was ready to date and just didn’t choose me. Then I decided I am 99% sure he is playing her and not looking for a relationship. He is so screwed up I don’t think he will be for a long time, which is why I need to bail.

    #653533 Reply

    Phillygirl

    A woman with healthy self esteem would have seen all the warning signs this guy exhibited (HE WAS ALWAYS A WALKING SIGNPOST FOR DYSFUCNCTION), and never entertained a second conversation with him.

    His so called chasing was just to stroke his ego and get sex. A woman with solid boundaries would have seen it a mile away.

    I don’t say this to beat you down. I say it to wake you up in the hope you get help, so you can eventually be happy.

    #653536 Reply

    Raven

    Marie, honey…
    You already know the answer to your question…

    Going around & around & around with this guy won’t change a thing.

    Imagine what would happen if you let him go, I mean REALLY let him go…

    The man of your dreams might be just around the corner…

    #653538 Reply

    alia

    At this point it is all on you. You choose to stay in this situation and you are placing your center outside of yourself. What you are doing is basically the definition of addiction. I’d go to an Alanon meeting or Codependents Anonymous in your area today. That’s the first thing I would do.

    #653539 Reply

    Marie

    I don’t need people to tell me he’s no good. I’m not questioning that. His own cousin told me to have nothing to do with him.

    Before, whenever things were up in the air with him, I would be extremely anxious and try to “fix it” so I would feel better. I meant it when I told him I was done (though I don’t think he gets it.) I’m not entertaining any thoughts of sticking around, especially because I’m embarrassed of her appearance.

    I just want to know what people think of his “don’t believe what you see” response. Would you take that as him not being serious about her? She doesn’t look like anyone he wouldn’t actually date. I just want want answers and closure.

    #653544 Reply

    alia

    Right, I believe he is still trying to keep you on a string so that at a later date he could use you once again and disrespect you once again, it is your choice to remain in this stupidest arrangement ever or you could just walk and never look back.

    #653549 Reply

    Khadija

    This is one big old mess.

    Who cares what this man thinks he is bad news. Honestly, with such poor character his opinion would mean nothing to me.

    Please distance yourself and learn to focus on boundaries and self worth. If you did you would not be in this situation.

    Block him and don’t look back ever again.

    #653550 Reply

    Jens

    I just want to know what people think of his “don’t believe what you see” response. Would you take that as him not being serious about her? She doesn’t look like anyone he wouldn’t actually date. I just want want answers and closure.

    “Marie” you aren’t done by a long shot. You are trying to work out if he’s serious about her or not. If you were done, you wouldn’t care what he’s doing or be here posting about this matter yet again. If you are still seeking answers, you are never going to get closure. You will get your own closure once you look at this and know this isn’t the guy for you, case closed and move on to the next thing in your life. Until you decide you are done, which means you are no longer in communication with him, looking at social media that has to do with him, or in any way shape or form interested in him or how he’s leading his life, you’re going to be in 100% self-inflicted pain. You stayed in this and connected to him too long and you are literally addicted. You are going to have to be willing to have some discomfort for a while and stay in it to get to the other side of it. This is your life and you can’t back the time you are losing over him.

    #653553 Reply

    Jens

    get back the time you are losing over him.

    #653556 Reply

    redcurleysue

    You said, “I just want to know what people think of his “don’t believe what you see” response. Would you take that as him not being serious about her?”

    I am much more self centered than you are. You are concerned about his words and thoughts…I am not concerned about that at all. I am concerned about me.

    Looking at what actions are going on here…if my potential BF were dating other women, not pursuing me with all he’s got, giving me lip service about what to believe and not believe…he would not stack up to be worthy to be MY escort or man. I would not care one dit whatever was on facebook.

    You are holding out hope that there is some secret he will reveal to you that will make this all ok. There is no secret…there is just the truth….he is not and probably never be worthy of you. You are choosing a bad horse. Pick a better one. Read what Raven wrote ten times.

    #653557 Reply

    Phillygirl

    @Jens perfectly summed it up. You are NOT done if you are still playing detective. You are STILL very invested. We see through it.

    Maybe she’s the woman of his dreams and next wife. All that matters is that he doesn’t care about you and never has.

    I’m being blunt not to inflict pain, but you need a good shake. STOP IT.

    Forget him, and focus on you. You have allowed this, and you are the one abusing yourself. That has to stop. Take Alia’s advice.

    #653559 Reply

    kaye

    You do understand that he had to accept her Facebook post that they were in a relationship don’t you? the fact he’s saying don’t believe what you read is ridiculous. A man who cared about you and didn’t want you to get the wrong idea or didn’t want to upset you would have called you immediately to explain what was going on and not given you this “I’m too busy to talk to you.” BS. I don’t know how much more closure you need. This man clearly doesn’t give a crap about you!! Do you really want him to say that to your face? Do you really want to know what he thought of you as because we can all clearly see it even if you can’t. You were a hook-up, a side piece, and easy sex while he was getting over his divorce. And since you were NSA that means he doesn’t have to explain himself to you. He owes you nothing so you’re going to get blue in the face if you keep asking what you meant to him. Because no response IS an answer.

    #653562 Reply

    Marie

    Jens-I am not over him and am very far from it. When I say I’m done I mean that I’m done sleeping with him and doing whatever I can to hold onto him. This is not something I’ve even considered since I started seeing him again, so it’s huge progress.

    Everyone keeps saying I need therapy. I started seeing someone after I told him how I felt and didn’t get the push away that I needed. The therapist is the “male friend” who told me that he doesn’t believe he deserves me, and that I’m the girl he needs but doesn’t want right now. He said he believes he cares, but is in such a bad state and has such issues needing worked on himself that he doesn’t even know what he wants. I want to believe all of this is true.

    The answers I’m seeking aren’t to justify sticking around. I just want to be able to walk away with some dignity and respect, believing that he does care and wasn’t intentionally playing and using me. He was in my life for a combined total of 10 years. I don’t want to block him. I have legitimate concerns about his current state and really want to be able to touch base every now and then to see how he’s doing.

    When I messaged him I really laid it on thick. I think he finally gets it and feels bad. I just don’t know if he’s denying it because he doesn’t want to make me feel used, or because he is hoping I will believe him and not kick him to the curb.

    #653574 Reply

    Helen2

    I don’t want to block him. I have legitimate concerns about his current state and really want to be able to touch base every now and then to see how he’s doing.

    This and the fact that your post title still calls him your NSA partner and your first line that states you are 30 and trapped in an NSA situation tell me you are so delusional that no one here can help you any longer. You need much more than a “male friend” – you need a real therapist, like yesterday. There is no way you can get into a healthy state of mind and move on if you believe for a nano second that you can keep in touch with him.

    He has been intentionally using you and playing you for YEARS. Why? Because you allowed it. He may have some kind of feelings for you but not what you want. And never will. NOW would you please walk away with the dignity and respect you claim to want so much? Your walking away and your dignity and respect for yourself cannot be contingent upon anything to do with him whatsoever. Have some legitimate concerns for YOURSELF, for crying out loud. You need your own kindness and attention right now far more than he does. I’m sorry but you have turned into a total doormat and that’s why he treats you with no regard. You have none for yourself. We are all begging you to wake up and find a therapist in real life and stop posting here, it’s not helping you one bit.

    #653575 Reply

    Amanda

    Unfortunately, only about 1/3 therapists are good and you clearly don’t have one of them.

    He accepted to publicly post that he is in a relationship with her. Think about that. He has never publicly admitted to having anything with you. And he has known you for years. He publicly claims this woman after likely knowing her a few months. My guess? Yes, he is in a relationship with her. And he will find another woman, whether this one or not, and get married to someone who isn’t you. He may marry this woman. He is choosing her over you.

    #653577 Reply

    Tiff

    Now he feels bad? You straight up told him you loved him and then he publicly accepted a request to show he is in a relationship with someone else. And you aren’t even FB friends? You have to stalk him?

    If you think you have to know that “he cared” to walk away with dignity than you don’t even know what dignity is girl.

    #653580 Reply

    redcurleysue

    I think that your real problem is that somehow you tied your self esteem to what he thinks.

    I will challenge that thinking.

    What if you never met him? Who would tell you who you are in this world?
    Who held that spot before you met him?

    You want some dignity and peace by knowing what he is doing, thinking, etc. How did your dignity and peace ever get to rest on another human being? Your dignity rests with you. Your peace rests with you. Who you are starts and ends with only you. That is why it is critical what you think about yourself, because, “as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (Bible)

    Other people in this world do not see us correctly. And we do not see them correctly. That is why we cannot put our worth in anyone’s hands. They will mess it up. And we would mess it up for them too. You need to fully understand that he is just another struggling human being just like you.

    As Raven pointed out…you need to totally emotionally let go of him…..then you may see clearly.

    #653584 Reply

    Phillygirl

    If you could possibly think this man has an real feelings for you after his actions over MANY years prove otherwise, you are in such a state of denial I don’t know where to begin.

    The feedback from this “friend therapist” you’ve been given is terrible! You need to seek out a trained, licensed professional. Someone who can help YOU regain your dignity and self respect. Amanda is right, even if you find a professional therapist they are NOT all created equal. You have to find the right match, someone who will give you straight truth, not what you want to hear.

    You START regaining your dignity by accepting you’ve been this guy’s patsy for years, and resolving this/hi, are OVER. As in completely out of your life. Nothing less, nothing more.

    If you don’t understand why that is mandatory for you to heal and move on, then you don’t really want to.

    I don’t think you are TRULY ready to do the hard work and accept the short term pain to heal. You are determined to hold onto this piece of garbage guy who has NO respect or consideration for you, and thinks of you as nothing but a toy.

    I can’t think of much, that is more demeaning. YOU have to pick yourself up now. Forget him, or don’t and stay miserable and his plaything for the rest of your life.

    I hope you gather the strength to walk away completely and cut him off. Someone who treats you like garbage over and over again has NO place in your life.

    Stop treating yourself like garbage, you are not. You are a unique human being who deserves happiness, but YOU HAVE TO WANT IT ENOUGH TO GO GET IT.

    HE IS/NEVER WAS/NEVER WILL BE THAT HAPPINESS

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