My in-laws want keys to our house!?

Just say, No… No… No!

Boy oh boy, what a pickle….boy oh boy.

I am sorry…this is a very tough situation. He wants to be a good son and he loves his mother which is good for you since he will love you very very much.

You are already accomodating them when they come into town…putting your plans behind theirs so honestly this is not too different (I feel for you I really do). There would be one stipulation I would insist on…that they call before they come over. Since the son is giving up the keys he (and you) should get something in return….that is respect both ways.

I also lived in a family that insisted on very strong respect going upwards….my father was very demanding in his relationship with me…even after marriage….it was hard on me to say to the man that had given me so much “I am an adult and I need adult distance to create my life”. I never said those words but we had some fights about my responsibilities to my parents over different things during my marriage. My husband at the time never got involved, he let me handle it…and that was good. But, I did succeed in creating some boundaries without too much damage.

The son can also have a calm discussion with his mother and say, “Mom, I love you. You do understand that I am married now and I do want you and Dad to understand that things have changed and I am starting my own life with my wife and hopefully children some day. I very much want both of you to be a large part of my new life and feel free to come over, but I also want adult respect that you would call ahead first so I can plan my days with my family too.”

You do not get involved in this…you stay in the background. You cannot win a fight regarding his parents…you can influence but cannot win. I am sorry but this is the man you married and you married his family as well.

Also, give them a key to the front door but keep it locked from the inside when you are home so they cannot just walk in on you.

I would advise you to have two different locks, the bottom lock and top lock (deadbolt). Give her the key to only one. Always lock the other one.

If a time comes when she tries to get in and cannot, tell her you’re sorry she couldn’t get in and you will have another key made for the second lock. Never have it made. Just keep saying you will do it.

In this way you’ve given her a key, and if it comes to it you’ll tell her you’ll get her the second key. Just don’t do it.

This may seem silly, but really, your situation is very complicated and requires tact to save face for her while also maintaining your own personal boundaries. I’m afraid the direct approach just won’t work.

This is a difficult situation that most of us have to go through!

@elle
Non-westernized Asians believe that any sort of counseling, therapy etc is for abnormal or crazy people… The last thing you do is to tell your typical Asians in-laws to attend a counseling session.

This is not helpful advice… But I would surely do some processing about my relationship – if I have no say to who gets to enter MY house …

Thanks, everyone for the valuable advice. I’m truly at a lost on this.

@Kay
I’m actually chuckling to myself imagining the MIL’s face when she realises there’s another lock. That could actually work

@Elle
That is actually very good advise, but yes, unfortunately, it wouldn’t work in my situation due to the clash of cultures

@Hollie and @Mierin
Yeap therapy/counseling would indeed make things much worse, in my case

@Raven
I do hate being in this situation

To clarify, my husband does his best in standing up for me and has occasionally gotten into fights with is mom (with her ignoring him/cutting him off for many days). I guess in this situation, it’s a bit more sensitive because he can’t give an acceptable (by the MIL’s standards) reason to say No.
Privacy is of course, very valued by me and many people in the world. But obviously to the MIL, she is not an “outsider”, so she wouldn’t understand the need for privacy…from her.

I am just trying to give her point of view and why she thinks it’s perfectly OK to request for a set of our house keys.

It is this very reason why I am in such a pickle…sigh

First you have to realize that you’re not doing anything wrong or being “disrespectful” for not allowing his mother to dictate your life. Then you have to discuss how you feel with your husband in the most direct, yet assertive way possible and just tell him that got love and air his mother but there’s just things you don’t feel are appropriate and this happens to be one of them. Mom’s that use guilt trips as control ploys are used to making their children “feel bad” for things that are absolutely absurd in the reality of life. It’s going to be difficult to stand ground but if you budge on this, expect MANY future instances of dictation *the worst being how you should be raising your children. Deal with it as directly and respectfully as you can. You’re an adult, you’ve made this decision, it’s not something you’re willing to compromise on, end of discussion. Obviously be as tactful and gentle as possible, but don’t flinch. She sounds like a bold, commanding woman herself, maybe she’ll “like” you more as a doormat, but she’ll RESPECT you more with a backbone. Which do you prefer?

*you love & adore his mother

Ask her for keys to HER house. See if she likes the idea of poor boundaries and privacy invaded!

I’m sorry you’re going through such difficulties. I really don’t see why she should have the keys when they live so far. My parents have the keys of my sister’s house but that’s because she lives a mile from them and they often bring her or her children something, or go out with her dogs or water her flowers when she’s not home. And once when she lost her keys it was really handy she could just come to our parent’s and take use their keys. What’s more important, they would never just show up in her house without calling her first. Also, my brother lives much further and they don’t have keys to his house and never even asked for it because there’s no point.

I would try to explain that there really isn’t a single reason why she should have your keys. Furthermore, letting you know she’s coming in advance is the basic courtesy. Or better, she should ASK whether she may come, not just let you know. If she accepted this, there really wouldn’t be much difference in whether she has the keys or not. Good luck.

Hi Lisa K.

I strongly agree with Naa’s recommendation. They’re overstepping their boundaries, and I can promise you, this is only the beginning. If you don’t want a barrage of destructive gigantic boulders continuously crashing into your currently beautiful and loving marriage, I suggest you put your foot down now and clearly mark your line and territory.

Start as you mean to go on Lisa K. Setting boundaries and expectations now may seem difficult, but I guarantee you, it’s nothing compared to trying to stop and manage all the big and little things that will drive you insane once they’re in the door – literally and symbolically speaking.

Your MIL has no respect for your needs and wishes, and once you give them the key to your house, you’re also giving them the key to your lives and marriage and future.

If she’s cheeky enough to ask for the keys – what on Earth does she need them for anyway?! It should be your prerogative to give them for safety reasons only, but the direction should come from you not her! – can you imagine what she’ll ask for next?! Or not even bother to ask but just go ahead with regardless.

I’m guessing you’re quite a nice kind considerate person and you really care about peoples feelings and you’re innate nature is to be very inclusive. It would really bother you to think that was someone was upset because of you.

Sweetie, you’re going to have to toughen up with a MIL like this. You need to train yourself to use a different strategy with her to everyone else in your life. Or she’ll walk all over you and wear you down. And then when you can’t take anymore, it will be destructive for the relationship with her, and damaging for the relationship with your husband.

Do it now, set the boundary now so she starts getting used to hearing no from you. I promise you, you’re going to have to say no a lot in your relationship with her, because personalities like this are very persistent and continuously ride roughshod over boundaries as if they don’t exist, and they don’t give up to easy.

I know I’m sounding harsh. That’s because being firm is the only language your MIL is going to understand.

Will you be disliked for taking this stance? Yes, It’s expect so. Will you be called aggressive when you’re simply being assertive on protecting your marriage from intrusive third parties? Probably.

But I’ll take that any day over losing the safety and sanctuary of my own private space and home. And equally that of my marriage.

She doesn’t need the key. What on Earth does she need it for?! You can let her in anytime she visits, and there’s no reason for her to visit when you’re not there to let her in. Unless on that particular occasion you decide that needs to happen, and then you can make specific arrangements for it.

I think someone above said, is she going to give you the key to her house? Then you can go walk in whenever you want. That might at least be a fair trade. Fairish…!

Were you living with your in laws up until this point? If so, I’d recommend giving them their key back, so as to make a clear point and better justify and demonstrate the demarcation of territories.

Look, I understand her point of view to an extent. I’m Asian myself. I get the whole thing where people just drop by without advance calling.

I heard all the complaints so many times when this change first became common. The older generations would feel so affronted “What! We have to call before we even visit!!” “Are we just anyone, that we have to set a time / make an appointment / ask for permission before we can visit our own offspring/sibling/etc.!!!”

But you know what, people eventually get used to any boundary you set. Change is harder for some people than others, but in the end everyone comes round. I’ve seen it time and time again.

Asian parents are wonderful and loving and so kind and generous and giving. Some of them more than you could possibly imagine.

BUT, all that giving also comes at a price. They give up their lives because they expect you to give up yours too.

Don’t do it, it’s not healthy, you can’t defer responsibility for your happiness and peace to another person.

Stand guard at the doors of your mind and your house.

I know I sound harsh and presumptuous. It’s just that I’ve seen this dynamic so many times, you wouldn’t believe, and I’ve experienced it myself in my own life again and again, until I finally learnt to stand up for myself.

Being nice in situations like this and with personalities like this will not earn you friends. Only standing your ground will. Otherwise you’ll be seen as weak and you’ll earn their private disgust and not so private disrespect.

I promise you, if you do what’s right for you and your husband and your marriage (assuming he’s a good guy and treats you well and with respect), then eventually everything will turn out okay.

“This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Trust yourself Lisa K. You know what your MIL is asking for is overstepping boundaries, and you know the right thing to do is say no. You’re just scared of what’s going to happen when you say no.

You should be more scared of what will happen if you say yes.

As for your husband.

Oh boy, I don’t know what to say. I have people they I love in my life that are like both, your husband and your MIL. One hates confrontation and won’t say no. And the other almost thrives on it and won’t take no for an answer.

It can be exhausting and defeating trying to accommodate personalities like this – even when you love them. Especially when you love them!

You’re going to have to be the strong one Lisa K. Either tell him to tell her, or tell her yourself. You have to stand your ground.

Otherwise you better prepare yourself for the nightmare battles ahead when you have children!

🤦‍♀️