MY EX BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE OF WORK


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  • #377773 Reply
    Erin

    my bf of 2.5 years broke up with me last week. he’s a glass half empty person whereas I’m a glass half full, he always sees the bad in situations.
    he broke up with me briefly last year when he had a setback in his life (didn’t get on the university course he wanted) but I did NC and surely enough he came back and we were so happy. long story short he started his very first job as an English teacher in September and the reason for the break up is that we live 40 min drive from each other and he doesn’t drive, his job is taking up almost all of his time and he is very stressed as his job isn’t guaranteed permanent and it goes on his performance wether they will keep him on permanently for next year.
    as you can see he’s under a lot of stress, furthermore he failed his driving test for a 3rd time a few days before he broke up with me. I’m sensing a pattern here, the combination of the stress and obviously failing driving 3times because it’s so important to him for getting to work and seeing me! is adding to more stress for him. it seems as thought everytime he has a major setback in life he finishes with me, I love him to pieces and want to be with him forever. I’ve told him we both need 30 days of NC to think about if this is what he really wants, and how I’m going to handle it if it is what he wants. (I don’t know wether to cut him out of my life or stay in touch) so I also need time to think about what I want. I’m hoping in these 30 days he will see that breaking up with me isn’t the answer and the situation that we are in right now isn’t forever and that we can work through it. obviously he has a negative outlook on life and I’m ok with that because that’s who he is as a person. I just don’t want him to throw this away for the sake of a lame situation. I believe in my own heart and soul that eventually he will realise but don’t really want to hold out for months of my life hoping he will change his mind. he always said to me that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and the only good thing in his life. I know NC is the best thing for us right now and all he needs is space but do you think he will come back to me? I should probably add as well that the end of the 30 days NC actually falls on my birthday. which is also the week before Xmas.
    my dilemma is, do I cut him out of my life if this is what he wants after 30 days because I KNOW he will change his mind but I can’t put myself through the heartbreak of a breakup when the likelihood is he will come back to me a few months down the line? do I try and make an arrangement with him to stay friends until the time is right for us to be a couple again? HELP ME!!!!!

    I know there’s a chance he will come back after 30 days anyway but I need to be prepared just incase he doesn’t.
    Erin x

    #377777 Reply
    Yams

    Erin, I know you’re really riled up and emotional right now and just want to know what the antidote to all of this is, but please take a step back here.

    When something external to the relationship goes wrong in a guy’s life, it’s not uncommon that he distances himself from a girl. But usually, it’s just a subtle distancing and if there is a break up it’s more because the girl makes clear that she is very unhappy about the distance (i.e. becomes emotional and lashes out) and the guy realises that he simply cannot keep her happy and solve his own problems at the same time. So here- it takes two to tango. A girl in this situation has the reassurance that if she learns how to understand her man and how he handles stress (i.e. becoming less chatty/ not being available to meet up as much/ becoming less affectionate and more moody), then she learns how to handle the situation.

    Sometimes, when a guy’s problems become so horrible — he’s lost his job, has no financial plan, his kids are problematic — he breaks up with a girl because he feels he cannot keep her happy given how bad his life on the whole is. Men are historically providers by nature- if they cannot provide, they feel they cannot keep a girl happy and they end it because they don’t want to hurt the girl.

    Look at your situation:

    Last year he dumped you because he couldn’t get into the university of his choice. Do you know how many people do NOT get the uni of their choice?? That’s why people apply to many courses/ unis! Trust me, i’m someone who didn’t get my first choice uni and course and honestly it affected me pretty badly. But not enough to go cutting people out of my life or hurting my loved ones!

    This year, he broke up with you because a) he failed his driving test, b) his work is 40 miles away from you, c) his work is stressful. I’m not really seeing the problem here… I know people who fail their driving test 7 times. It’s hardly a reason to get so stressed out that you dump your girlfriend! And work stress? Everyone has work stress! It’s a part of life!

    You have to realise a few things here and I’m going to be really blunt with you because that’s what this forum is for.

    a) He’s not just a negative person. He’s a very weak person if he cannot handle those setbacks in his life to the extent that he has to cut his relationship with you off. When I said above that guys sometimes feel they cannot provide and hence cut themselves off… I don’t think this applies here. Read some of the stories on this forum (Emma wrote in about how her boyfriend felt he couldn’t put food on the table for his children and thus distanced himself. Such a severe thing and he just distanced himself. Here he cut you out).

    b) He takes you for granted. You say you love him to pieces but I’m not sure he feels the same way about you. if he did, he wouldn’t keep risking losing you like this. And he wouldn’t keep hurting you like this. I think he really just expects you to come back, and tbh it’s quite clear from your post that you not only will go back no matter how many times he dumps you, but he knows this too!

    Now regarding No Contact- it’s not a magical antidote to make your boyfriend come back. It’s not a tool to make your boyfriend miss you and hence lure him back. He’s not going to stay if all that matters to you is that he comes back. No contact is something that is recommended for two reasons:

    a) it helps you get some perspective. You should be taking the time off from him not to make him miss you but because YOU want to step back and have a clearer view of things. When you’re so caught up and emotions are running high you cannot see facts. What i’ve done above is to try and give you this objective perspective but you have to realise it for yourself and fill in all the blanks yourself. And in a lot of cases, when women take space and go no contact, they realise they don’t want the guy they had back. I’m not saying they don’t want THAT guy, but they don’t want the guy they had back the way he was. They sometimes figure that if he stepped up and did X, Y or Z they’d be happy to have him– the key is to know what terms you’re willing to take him back on. I mean do you really want your boyfriend to just come back and then next year when his dog dies or something to break up with you again??? No! you’re worth more than that. Maybe you want him back provided he cleans up his act/ gets some therapy/ talks about things…. i don’t know. You figure this out because you know him!

    b) Yes, it makes the boy miss you and he’ll come back a lot of the time. But again, what he comes back with is another issue. If he comes back with the mentality that you’ll take him back no matter what he does, then you’re really just going to down a very dark hole here.

    So yes, go no contact- by which NOT FRIENDS. No communication. If he reaches out to you, respectfully an calmly message him back and say “I’m sorry but I need my space. I hope it’s doing you some good too”. And don’t go telling him things like “let’s do 30 days NC”. If he decides he wants you back he won’t even have to worry that you won’t be there or have to clean up his act at all! He will literally kick back and go….”right 30 days to repair this? Not too bad. Where’s my beer.” The whole point of NC is that it makes the guy worry that he can’t have you back if he keeps behaving the way it does.

    Please get some perspective Erin and value yourself a little more.

    #377778 Reply
    Stefanie

    Erin, the Yamster nailed to a T here.

    He’s high maintenance and like a frog in slowly boiling water, you’ve gotten used to this and think this is normal. He should have learnt his lesson from breaking up with you over not getting into the program he wanted.

    “Staying friends” does not help anything. That is one of the three main lessons I wish girls who post on this site would take on board. (That and you can’t sex him into a relationship as Lane says and men are not women.) It keeps a feeding tube active to your energy and he’ll never value you if he doesn’t see that you will walk if you are mistreated. It sends the message you will put up with anything, and that doesn’t help you, him or the relationship. Tolerating bad behavior because you are afraid to lose someone is a clear sign you need to strengthen your self-esteem. You want a boyfriend/husband… you don’t NEED one. Or you will get abused for sure, and it’s on you because you rolled out the red carpet, laid down and invited him to walk on you.

    I suggest you look on YouTube for Kelly McGonigal’s TED Talk on how to make stress your friend. It will change your life, and possibly his if he will watch it, in less than 20 minutes.

    #377779 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Erin.

    Honestly, something seems very off here. Let me get this right, he’s college educated and now teaching, yet can’t pass a simple driving test?!? How old is he?

    Going NC shouldn’t be used to try to get someone back—it should be used to determine if you’re truly compatible in the ways and areas PARTNERS need to be in order to make it over the long haul. This includes knowing he isn’t going to run away or freak out when he hits a road bump along the path known as life; you can DEPEND upon him to work through it, solve and feels comfortable asking for your input; a man you feel completely SAFE with because he’s been steady, stable and secure in not only himself, but about you and the relationship.

    The real questions is, do you really want this kind of relationship? You are at high risk of becoming a “co-dependent”, if you haven’t already become one, so I advise you do some research on this to see if you’re contributing to the problem. Like they say—it takes two to tango.

    #377781 Reply
    Yams

    HAHAHA Lane- I’m a lawyer and I can’t pass a driving test. Failed mine thrice already. Just have terrible coordination LOL

    #377782 Reply
    Yams

    That said, when I failed I went to get ice-cream to perk myself up, whined to a friend and then went on with my day.

    #377823 Reply
    Erin

    thanks guys for all your advice, obviously I know how he operates and he withdraws when he’s stressed/tired/down I think I severely underestimated how bad it was for him and kept pushing for things that obviously weren’t in his power to provide for me at this moment in time. he’s so bad at communicating and so bad at expressing his emotions and I’ve chatted about this with my girlfriends, if he was thinking about coming back then I’d say to him that he has to absolutely 100% address that before we could go any further as a couple. it’s highly unlikely that he will say he wants to try again after 30 days anyway knowing him, he uses this game plan on me where he makes out like the break up is forever then comes back when he feels like so I might try and play him at his own game then after 30 days when he says it’s still over, tell him that no self respecting girl would ever go back on her word again and if he wants to have a life without me then a life without me he will have. I’d say as well that if he truly loved me and wanted to build a life with me then he would just man up and work through this!! make him think that he’s lost me for good, and cut all contact. then I would have all the power and if he wanted me back he would have to fight for me and get all of his issues in order before we could be a couple again? I know playing games isn’t the answer but right now I feel as though that sounds like a good enough test to see if he REALLY wants to be with me, even when it’s not on his terms.

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