my boyfriend is ignoring me after an argument…help?


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  • #385819 Reply
    Vanilla

    Help! – Especially if you are a guy & have done this to someone before..explain why…advice greatly appreciated negative or positive.

    Bit of background…Im 24 and he is 32.

    I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months now and it is sort of getting serious. We had an argument three days ago. We made up after that and we both apologised he said everything is fine whilst dropping me home, even spoke for a bit through whatsapp but then after that he stopped replying back to my message and basically no contact. He ignored my call and my messages which is unlike him. He is definitely ignoring me as we were meant to make plans for NYE and after he didn’t pick up that call i messaged him saying “ok i understand that you do not want to speak to me at the moment but we need to buy the tickets for nye today” he checked the message and didn’t reply. I know he isn’t just busy, he is ignoring me or more so allowing me to think that. so what do i do? I’m not chasing him, not messaging or calling…but i just don’t understand why he pretended he was ok, held my hand etc and then ignored me, why not ignore me straight away?

    #385827 Reply
    Aries

    Maybe this is his way of blowing u off? Kindve mean but would make sense. If he is then please do not give this loser another chance.

    #385831 Reply
    Vanilla

    If it is then that seriously sucks. He could have just said it to my face…instead of doing it in such a prolonged painful manner.

    #385833 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Vanilla.

    Can you tell us what the argument was about? Men actually can forgive and forget pretty easily, as long as you don’t keep bringing it up or over apologizing—that actually irks them more than the argument because you keep forcing them to re-live it. :-P

    I would just let him cool off a bit. Although I didn’t get into an argument, I said something to the guy I was dating that pissed him off. I honestly thought I would never see him again, but BAM he called back a few days later as if it didn’t happen! Never apologized, because I meant what I said, so I wasn’t going to apologize for it, and we went right back to how it was right before that night.

    Just give him some space and let him to be the one to reach out again. When he does, just act like nothing happened and see if you can move on from there, if not, then this relationship isn’t going to last long if you can’t learn how to forgive and forget.

    #385839 Reply
    talllady

    You are just getting to know him. You are learning about how deals with conflict, which is really important in relationships. Please look up stonewalling. I am not saying he is doing that, but it is a core precurser to bad relationships. I would let him cool down, but I would also make sure that you have a way to deal with conflict that builds, not tears down relationships.

    #385849 Reply
    Mae

    Hey Vanilla,

    I know exactly how you feel. In fact, feel free to look up a thread I started last week: “Insecurity After Arguments: How To Deal.” A lot of the ladies responded with some great insight.

    I agree with Laine. Let him cool down. You’ve said your piece and it’s up to him to come around/follow through.

    Also, more details would be helpful. How did the argument start? What was the basic premise? How many days has the “ignoring” been going on?

    -Mae

    #385854 Reply
    Ali

    Wow this sucks and is really confusing! I feel for you! At this point, I wouldn’t be sure if he’s just cooling down or if it’s over. But here’s a question for you- if he is just cooling down and contacts you again, do you really want to be with someone who handles conflict this way?? This is not how grown ups act. You talk about things so you can get past it and move on and be stronger from it. Ignoring you like this to either teach you a lesson or to break up with you is really immature.

    make plans with girlfriends for NYE and even if you do hear from him, don’t change your plans. Sorry tbis is happening to you! :/

    #453539 Reply
    TKO

    So, I’ve been dating this guy for almost 3 years. He said he was divorced with 2 kids. In this time, he has never invited me to his home…seriously. He said it’s because his dad is at the home(sickly, so he doesn’t feel right about putting him on a plane to send him back to his country) and he didn’t want to hear his mouth anymore about the women he brings home. This explanation doesn’t feel right, but I let it go. Time passes, we are having a great time together as a couple. He works out of town, so I decided I would send a gift to his home as a surprise. I got a phone call from a woman saying not to send him any gifts because her and my boyfriend are married and have 2 kids so don’t send him anything to her house or talk to him anymore, Stunned, I said okay and hung up. I called him and told him I sent a gift to his home and his wife told me not to do that anymore because they were married with kids. He said she wasn’t his wife. I asked him why was she at the house since she supposedly lives in another state with the kids in the middle of a school year. He said he didn’t know and that it was something his dad cooked with her when he and his father went to visit the kids a while back. He says his dad wants him to back with her but it’s over for him. I asked why he didn’t tell me she was at his home and he said it was nothing to tell which made me very suspicious. At this point, I asked to see the divorce decree. Long story short, I haven’t seen the papers yet. The excuse is I’ll see them soon. Soon never comes. It finally dawns on me to do a background check and I let him know that i’m doing it. After a period of silence, he starts telling me some things that he’s has never told me before which raises more suspicion. I question him about the names connected to his residences and he tells me that it’s his brother’s family(this is all threw text) I tell him I gotta go and take care of something else and that I have a headache now. He calls me 5 minutes later all concerned as to why I might have a headache and then accuses me of doing this behind his back and wanted to know why I was doing it…I needed to see this divorce decree. It was like he was afraid I found something he didn’t want me to find. So, he gets mad and says he’d talk to me later…it’s been 7 days now. At the time, I got tired of looking at the computer screen but once I continued in my search, I found a marriage certificate with him and one of the people he said was his brother’s family he didn’t tell me this particular person was his wife when I said her name for him to identify who these people were listed at the residence, so, he lied! After finding the marriage certificate, I searched and searched and searched and could not find a judgement for divorce anywhere. Feeling stupid, after giving this man the benefit of the doubt for 3 years, I feel he’s been lying to me the whole time…2+2=4 now. I send him a text telling him I couldn’t find the divorce decree but that he knew that would be the case. I told him that he had lied to me, his reasoning for me not being able to come to his home, the early morning calls when we are together all night, him not being able to produce these divorce papers all made sense now and for him to stay the hell away from me. He texts me 2 days later and says, FYI, him not responding my text doesn’t mean that everything I accused him of is true. Did I get played or did I get played? Or could his situation be more complicated than what he has divulged to me? Either way, I feel like he’s still married even if it’s just a legal matter.

    #453592 Reply
    Janet

    Sorry this happened to you, you’ve wasted 3 yrs of your life on this lying douche bag!
    You should have seen the red flags when he never took you to his house – lm actually surprised he gave you the address!
    I met a guy…oh so charming, generous, sexy, affluent. after dating him for about 4 weeks l realised l didn’t know his address – when l broached the topic with him his 1st response was…”if you don’t want to see me any more that’s fine” Hang on, l’ve only asked for your address?! This set off red flags flying all over for me! I Googled him, nothing!? Searched the net – nothing?! I had no work or home email and he had 2 mobile numbers….MARRIED he denied it, but he paid for everything cash so there was no paper trail – l didn’t hang to get to the bottom off it – l binned his sorry cheating ass! He pursued me for months after – what a low life…l could have been played, as it happened l went with what info l had…if someone hides something so crucial – ie their address – what else are they hiding???
    As l say, sorry this happened to you. I hope you learn a lesson – good people don’t hide!

    #484324 Reply
    Nnono

    Me and my boyfriend fought because so girl on Facebook uploaded a picture of herself and tagged him. So when I confronted him he said they are not friends on Facebook and he doesn’t know her. But it’s possible aswell to tag someone you don’t have on Facebook in a picture. So he denied everything. He doesn’t talk to me, I tried to resolve the issue so that me and him can cut the tension but he doesn’t reply my whatsapp messages. He read then ignore. What do I do with such though. I’m depressed

    #484328 Reply
    Kate

    Vanilla,

    Lane is right. Men sometimes do this after an argument. I think it might be a way of “clearing the slate”? If the argument was trivial, act as if nothing happened when he calls you (unless the silence goes on for a long time). In the meantime, don’t contact him. I know it seems like bizarre behavior, but just one of the differences between men and women. It’s confusing to us, but keep in mind that our need to rehash everything and resolve every issue immediately is just as confusing to them.

    Would you share what the argument was about? There are some things you can’t just “let go”. And obviously, if he doesn’t contact you in a few days (provided that you aren’t contacting him), that’s a bigger problem.

    If he reaches out and all is well, you may have to find an alternate plan for NYE, provided that it’s too late to purchase tickets.

    #484329 Reply
    Kate

    TKO and Nnono,

    You will need to repost your questions as a new topic if you’d like to receive more response. Copy the text you wrote here, go the the ANM homepage, click on Forum at the top, click on Dating and Sex advice (in the list of forums), scroll down to the bottom of THAT page and paste your text there.

    It will post as a new topic so everyone can see it.

    #484353 Reply
    Vanessa

    The original is a year old post, Dec 2014. The other is from August. And the latest needs to post her own thread.

    #484356 Reply
    Maria

    Vanilla,

    The way he is action if not very mature. And not very respectful. He is 32. You said it’s been 4 months, this is about the time when a man’s true character begins to show. I am sure you’d sort things out this time, but going forward – pay attention. You said you cleared the air, everything was fine, then what he is doing is rather “devious”. If this is how he deals with minor conflict then how would he be later on, if there are serious issues?

    I’d be very cautious in your shoes, you seem to focus on what him but you need to focus on YOU, what you need and whether this is good for YOU going forward.

    #512544 Reply
    Grey

    I’ve reconnected with my first love from 13 years ago. We have always had a deep connection with one another I must say. He was and is the only man that I love unconditionally. We got into an argument about 3 weeks ago but we cleared it out right after and everything was normal. We’ve been seeing eachother for 2 months now. Last weekend he opened up to me about how much he cares for me. He literally had tears in his eyes as did I and its extremely rare to witness him being so emotional and that he wants our relationship to work for the long haul. Anyway last night he called me. I was clearly intoxicated when he called. I was pretty much rambling on about life, ect. He and I seemed to be on a more serious tone in conversation. Anyway an hour into our call, he asked ARE YOU DRUNK! Are you! He said it in such a demanding way that I felt like I was being put on the spot and I felt so ashamed so I stood quiet. He than said HELLO HELLO ARE YOU THERE? I said yes I’m here. He than asked again WELL ARE YOU, ARE YOU!!! I said well yes I am. I had a few drinks here at home. I felt like he was verbally attacking me so I said what is with you, why are you putting me on the spot like that? He automatically said no no no I’m not arguing with you Goodnight, bye! And he hung up. Me being intoxicated, as well as thinking what the hell just happened! I called him back (like an idiot) he didn’t answer and so I called him again and he picked up. My only intention was to clear out whatever just happened but it got even worse. I was being extremely emotional. He said that I was being crazy and I ended up saying, no I’m not crazy, your ex gf was the crazy one. He got pissed off and again said nope I’m not arguing, I’m done, goodnight! Bye! I honestly wished I never said what I said but I completely felt like he was trying to somehow pick a fight with me and I totally have in to it. I just feel like this whole argument is so stupid. I called him today bc I really just hate the fact that he’s angry with me but he didn’t respond so I’ll just leave him alone and let him come around on his own.

    #512546 Reply
    Grey

    I’m afraid this may be the end of our relationship. I’m not sure. I feel like I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t usually ignore unless it’s the end or he may just need a few days to think things through. Bc he is very introverted and so am I. We always give eachother the space that we need but in the last week we have been talking every single day. And maybe he’s scared to be in love again. I don’t know. I truly love him. I do. He’s always been such a huge part of who I am. We always have a great time when we are together. We constantly joke, laugh and have emotional and intellectual conversations, we play like children, we cook together, We always give eachother these little gifts, ect. It’s been great. I feel real shitty that we argued. But I have to let it go bc being so down won’t get me anywhere. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

    #512555 Reply
    Raven

    You threw his x-girl friend in his face?!

    I think you ended your relationship… Sorry…

    #512557 Reply
    Grey

    I was being completely irrational. I know. I wish I didn’t say anything of that sort but I did so I suppose I’ll just have to suffer the consequences.

    #525051 Reply
    Suzanne

    Sorry but there is no way you end a relationship because you threw up his ex girlfriend. Long terms relationships have to be much more flexible than that to survive. If there was violence involved then yes. If you are repeatedly verbally abusive then yes. But not some hatching where you made a mistake which was out of character. Give him time but know that in time you will be happy with him or without him.

    #530678 Reply
    Sine

    I had argued with my man because of my jealousy for the first time since I have been with him and we have a long distance relationship but I always manage to see him after week or 2 week… thing is after the fight he seems to be ok he texted me that he miss me but I do regret what I did to him so I sent him a msg to apologize how much I feel sorry about it and I admit things that I’m wrong then ”he said thank you saying this baby ” after that we texted each other but I feel like he seem losing his interest in me. I read a lot of topics to deal wit this thing but I don’t know what should I do to get my relationship on track. I lose my self confident I am worry he might have met another new girl better than me 😞

    #540068 Reply
    kawaii

    hi I’m 27weeks of pregnant and we are in a long distance relationships right now because of his job before he is excited to have a baby to me but before we met each other I’m not the kind of girl who take a serious relationships just flirt cause I’m afraid to be hurt and i met many men and i cheated him but when I’ve realize that i can’t live without him I’ve change i become serious to him and i cant lose him ,even if i hurt him many times but he’s still there for me even if he’s friends are against us but he still choose me and at that time I’ve change already and i really love him now that I’m 27weeks pregnant it seems he’s avoiding me he deactivated his fb ,but of course he know may fb ,skype etc.but he said he can’t lose me last month we have a misunderstanding he said he can’t forget my past,and he can’t forgive me and he said sorry i don’t want to be sad what does it mean but before that he have plan to visit me this coming end of ths month i don’t know what to do now , i ask him it’s my past and I’ve change already etc. it’s almost 2weeks he did not message me but i call he’s num.again and again so today he message me and he said sorry he can’t forgive me and forget my past ,i know he really loves me and ireally love him and i can’t live without him what should i do now so that he will forget,and forgive me to my stupid past I know i hurt him .please i need your help ….

    #557714 Reply
    Poppy

    I haven’t read all the comments so someone may have already something along these lines but…

    I have been with someone like this – my advice would be to understand his communication style, ask him. Do you like space in situations like this, how do you deal with things? Hopefully he will be honest and its up to you how you deal with it, whether its something you can accept or not. My partner would like space, whereas I would want to talk and sort it out straight away. You need to be firm with him and yourself if this is something I wish to tolerate or not.
    Personally I couldn’t deal with it, it made me so anxious and upset because it just prolonged the situation for me.

    #563935 Reply
    Lutchman

    Hi there I also need help my boyfriend and I are having a fight his reading my messages and not replying to them.. we where chatting and I made him horny and after a while told him that I’m sleepy so he said that he does not wanna chat anymore!! What should I do to get him to chat and talk to me

    #563955 Reply
    Shannon

    The only thing to do is leave him alone and let him come to you. The worst that can happen is he never does. Well, then, he wasn’t a great boyfriend anyway and he was just wasting your time.

    The worst thing you can do when you’re being deliberately ignored is to go through all kinds of gyrations trying to get the person to talk to you. That feeds their ego and it’s a reward for the behavior. Positive reinforcement. That teaches the other person this behavior will punish you and stroke their ego at the same time.

    So, you need to not play the game. Put your phone away. Go do something else. And when he does message you, wait a while before responding. Let him sweat it out. Give him a taste of his own medicine and he won’t be so quick to do this again. We teach people how to treat us.

    #564170 Reply
    lizzy

    me and my boyfriend had little conflict…i called him he was at his work place then said he will get back to me when he knokcks off but he ddnt usually he does that but i kept quite…so yesterdai i told him m not happy about that yes hes busy man he dont have much time..i undrestand that but atleast he should do smthing he mustnt make me feel single…..then he responded said that m not understanding his situation the reason why its we were not together for 5yrs hes a busy man but m failing to do that….now he dont respond my text…nd calls what my i do…

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