Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › My boyfriend doesn't comfort me when I am sad
- This topic has 38 replies and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by
Nathalie.
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Gigi
I am dating my boyfriend from last 3 years. Its been 3 years i am struggling in my career not even once he said anything negative about my career. Whenever i felt low he tired to cheer me up..3 days back i told him that sometimes i fell jealous that my younger sister is more successful than me..i love her a lot than why i feel jealous,on that point of a time he said don’t worry it happens. Do not think much about it..concentrate on your own things.
Yesterday night on phone while we were talking about something i said..something about my sister that how hard working she is..he commented that.. yes she is..you should also learn from her..she is 4 year younger to you..still she is very successful.. you should also take it as a motivation..i felt so bad..i started crying..he said he is sorry..he never wanted to hurt me. He said my intention was not this….than I told him i don’t want to talk you right now..on that point of a time he was on airport..so he messaged me again that he is sorry.
today no message came from him.. so i sent him a long message that how selfish he is.. he said he is sorry.. he don’t know what to say.. he is at his parents home..he will talk to me in evening.. he won’t repeat it again. But i think in this situation sorry is not good enough. I wanted him to comfort me with his words..This is not the first time.. whenever we fight if he ever do something which upsets me..if we are in long distance.. he will message me once that he is sorry about it.. thats it..if we are together and if i am crying in front of him.. he will try to hug me one or two times..but if i push him .. he will sit there with clueless expression and keep looking at me like an idiot.This makes me more angry.Why he never tires to comfort me.
Lyn
Men hate emotional. They don’t deal well with it because they are not talkers, they are doers. They don’t dwell on things, they fix things. His response to you was about fixing and being motiva Ed so you get out of this rut you are in.
Do not expect a man to act like a woman. If you need to vent and complain about the same thing over and over, talk to a gf.
If I were this man, I would leave you. It’s not his responsibility to fix your life. He is correct. If you hate your life, than fix it. Sitting around crying and complaining is useless. Stop comparing yourself to someone else. Your sister is your sister and she’s not you.
And I agree, maybe instead of crying about it you can figure out what your r sister is doing and emulate it.
Sending that long message to your BF was unnecessary and I would have been surprised if he responded to it. He didn’t do anything wrong. You are being dramatic and unreasonable.
And by the way, men don’t apologize over and over. It’s not their nature, they tend to apologize once and move on. Women should learn how to do this too. What is the point in carrying on and on about something once there has been an apology.
This man won’t stick around very long if you rely so heavily on him for ALL your happiness.
KateK
You need to grow up. He is selfish? You are passive aggressive and immature. You are lucky he has put up with this and not dumped you like most men would have by now. Take responsibility for yourself. It is not his job to prop you up when you feel bad, you need to learn how to do it yourself rather than criticize his (kind and decent) efforts. Start working on yourself and stop blaming others for your emotions state and lack of success.
Gigi
I am not saying that my happiness is his job. I know that my career is going downhill. My problem is why he criticized me. He should be supportive of me. When ever he say something hurtful.. he just says sorry and get away with it. His apologies doesn’t sound sincere. I am always very cautious.. i never say anything hurtful to him.. i know lot of his insecurities. But if i ever say anything ..i go to the extra length to mend things..i am not the kind of person who will just say sorry and walk away.
Kelly
This is who he is. Either deal with it or leave him.
Based on what you write, you sound unreasonable. One apology is enough. If you need to drag it out in order to feel better either find another man or date a woman.
KateK
he did not criticize you, he told you a truth that you didn’t like or want to hear.
linda
Already lot of people say these things to me.. i thought he was the last person who will ever say something like this to me.
Sherri
I totally agree with his advice to you. You say you are jealous of your sister. And then you told him again and I am quite sure that was not just the 2nd time you told him. He was not criticizing you rather giving you a solution of how to get back up in your career. You did not like his suggestion as you would have preferred that he let you cry and vent. Men do not do this. If you just want to vent find a woman. If you the person you are dating to let you vent, then find a woman to date who will allow you to vent.
I let my friends vent once or twice about something. But every time if they want to do this, I would either tell them to grow up, provide them with solutions or tell them to find solutions on this. Even me as a woman would not be able to handle your constant crying!!
I would say that he is a very supportive bf and you need to grow up and stop being so immature.
Sherri
And may be if a lot of people say this to you, it must be true and its time to change yourself rather than seeing the fault in him.
Gigi
I did not cry in front of him. i just told him that my sister is hard wording when he taunted me that why don’t you do the same..she is getting what she deserve..he said your efforts are halfhearted you should put more efforts..you always give attention to our relationship problems but this time..your career needs your attention.I know my career needs attention but my relationship is also very important thing for me. only after that i cried.
KateK
You want to be coddled like a child instead of taking control of your life and career like an adult. Please understand that those are not attractive traits in a woman and most men would run as I suspect he eventually will if you keep this up. You are getting advice here but you aren’t listening. This is 100% on you, not him.
Gigi
I want him to call me.. but now he is not even calling me he said you have habit of holding things.. in these situations all i wanted was his call.. but he won’t call me until i tell him call me. He has such a huge ego..he has habit of turning tables around.
kaye
It is not unreasonable that he told you to look to your sister’s success and figure out what she is doing right and follow her example. That is what most people do. They look to successful people and try to figure out their secret whether it be your sister of Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, etc. Men do not understand putting a relationship before a career when they are young. They don’t get this until much later in life. My boyfriend has just decided to leave his business partner of 28 years and the business he has built to do something that won’t have him working 80-90 hour weeks and won’t have him going out of town and leaving me 4 nights a week. This was a very tough decision for him. But he feels he’s made it in his career, he’s financially stable, his home and vehicles, boats, etc are paid for and this is a time in his life where our relationship is more important to him. He wants family time and he wants to work toward our future together. He is in his 40’s, he admits his work and career are what have kept him from being in a serious relationship and settling back down after his divorce 15 years ago. Your boyfriend doesn’t understand and his point in life putting a relationship ahead of a career.
I think you are being unreasonable, he has apologized and you sending him that long message saying he’s selfish was rude and uncalled for yet he apologized to you AGAIN. You know everything he said is true. You said it yourself about your sister and her career and you jealousy. Sometimes the truth hurts but it is still the truth. You would rather have a man lie to you so that you feel better?
What more do you want from this man. If you are crying he tries to comfort you once or twice and you keep pushing him away. How many times do you expect him to try and get that reaction out of you? You are hurting his ego and his pride and rejecting him. Yet you expect him to keep coming back for more rejection? How would you feel if he pushed you away when you tried to comfort him or hold him? You need to grow up.
Sherri
I wouldn’t call you either!! In fact I would expect an apology from you for that text you had sent me. And after that apology I would still wonder if you are really the one I want to be with. As your reaction is that of a child. I wonder if he wants to continue dating a child or an adult.
I think its time for you to grow up!! You cannot be a good partner to anyone with this kind of attitude.
Gigi
My problem is if i say something hurtful to someone i keep saying sorry through long messages… till they actually get normal or forgive me.. but whenever he say something hurtful to me 1 or 2 time he will say sorry.. in short message..after that.. he leave it as it is.
Sherri
Then that is your problem. You should may be stop saying sorry in long messages to someone if you hurt them. Saying sorry once is enough. Either that person forgives you or not. Continuously saying sorry becomes tiresome for the person receiving the message. If you had hurt me and said sorry and then continued saying sorry, that would actually irritate me more.
He has the right idea of it as that is usually how men and mature adults behave.
Gigi
I don’t write long messages because i want to irritate him.i do it to show my efforts that how much they mean to me. How much there sadness is hurting me.. but he never put much efforts.
Sherri
You are missing the point I am trying to make. I am trying to say that you are behaving like a very immature person. In fact, I would say that you are behaving like a child trying to get the attention of a parent.
I never said that you are trying to irritate him. One message saying sorry is actually how mature adults behave. Long messages apologizing while you feel it is you who are showing your efforts of how much they mean to you, in fact the person receiving it can get irritated by it. And expecting him to behave the same way you do is totally irrational especially as your expectation is expecting him to behave like a drama filled woman. You do realize that he is a man rightÉ
I think I am done trying you make you understand of how a mature person behaves. If you want to continue behaving this way, that is up to you. But I doubt this guy, who I in fact, think treats you really well, will continue long with this much drama every time.
As I mentioned in my earlier message …. time to grow up!!
Sun
Drama Queen
Ash
Based on what you’ve wrote, every time you brought up how you feel about your sister, he’s tried to comfort you, told you not to worry about it, even tried to hug you, then you went and PUSHED HIM AWAY. You rejected his efforts to comfort you, he feels like that approach isn’t working, so he did the smart thing and tried a different approach (tried to give you a solution that would improve your life), but you didn’t like that either, so now he’s not talking to you at all.
What do you want from him? He’s been more than accepting of you, only a guy who loves you very much would put up with your constant insecurity. Take a step back, take a long, hard look at your behavior, realize that your insecurities are not his problem and you are destroying your relationship by constantly shoving your baggage onto him.
Then take his advice and put in the effort to improve your work situation, it’s not going to get better if all you ever do is whine about it.
While you’re at it, apologize to your boyfriend and appreciate how much he’s already done for you, he must love you very much as there are a lot of guys who would have left by now.
In the future opt to communicate, and tell him what you actually want from him, rather then expecting him to read your mind and getting all dramatic, passive aggressive and calling him selfish when he fails to live up to your unreasonable expectations.
Hannah
He was being honest with you. You don’t put effort into your career and that’s why your sister is doing better than you are. Did you want him to lie to you? Don’t you want to hear his opinion or advice?
Supporting and loving someone means being honest and trying to help them, even if it’s not what they want to hear. That’s what he was doing.
I can’t see how he is selfish at all?
He said sorry. Why can’t you just accept his apology like a grown up?
I honestly can’t see what the problem is. What I can see is he will get fed up of this treatment if you’re not careful. You don’t want a partner. You want an emotional punchbag.
Lane
I see a break up in the future.
Everything the ladies said is true and if you can’t control your emotions and learn how to solve your problems this man will find a woman who can. I’m actually amazed he’s been with you this long if this is how you react over issues that aren’t even relationship related.
Nat
But your guy seem to be a little thick. You’ve got to stop complaining to him, it is not working, then why do you keep on doing it? Do not complain to him, complain to your GFs.
If he is not giving you the kind of support that you need, you need to teach him how to do that. Mind you, he may be quite thick and might never learn, but you need to try. Instead of writing messages, nagging and complaining you need to tell him what you want him to say. You can say, I wish you would support me by telling me nice thing about me and hugging me and making me feel appreciated. And not telling me what I know myself, because it only makes me feel worse. How hard is it? You need to learn how to work with your man. You are never going to get a guy who can read your mind so it is your job as a woman to teach your man to give you what you need. It may not be possible, but you need to try and learn. From all those comments and advice people provided you it seems you just won’t get it. You keep on whining.
Hannah
Blimey Nat what kind of man do you want, a robot?! Teach him what to say?!? Make him say things get doesn’t feel or mean to make her feel like a princess, even when she’s behaving like a child!?? Is the guy not allowed any opinions or emotions of his own?
Gigi
He said whenever i get upset he doesn’t know what to do..he wants to cheer me up.. but the moment i send him long messages.. he gets irritated. He said i am ready to give you support..but you have a habit of stretching things.. you don’t say anything directly..you talk in circles. You can finish that complain in one or two lines but you have a habit of writing in long paragraphs..or talking about it in lengths. How am i supposed to finish my anger in one line ?
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