Moving slow or just not that into me?

It sounds to me that this guy is genuinely interested in you and taking it slow. You mentioned he is shy which explains the lack of communication on his part.

I dated a man who was very shy, and I always misunderstood his lack of communication for something else — I thought he didn’t care for me enough. But I was wrong. It was just not him to communicate a lot. It is how he is as a person. So when I mentioned I’d love hearing from him a lot and sharing more of his thoughts with me because that’s how I feel connected and cared for, he stepped up and really tried. Not because he needed to, but because he wanted to, because he knew it would make me happy.

If you’ve been seeing each other three months exclusively, and you are wondering where this is going, I think it’s appropriate to have the talk. But it’s important to keep it very light, or he’ll feel attacked and it’ll put him in a defensive mode. Personally, I’d say something indirect like, “Some men are still hinting to date me, what do you think I should do?” If he sees you as a girlfriend, you’ll hear a tone of jealousy and he’ll make you official right away knowing he has a lot of competition out there. If he doesn’t say a word, then there’s your answer.

HI Christian.

If you don’t know where the guy’s taking you after a couple months of seeing you, then YOU have to start the conversation. Men don’t mind having them as long as it comes from a place of confidence of what YOU are looking for in general, not with him specifically such as “I’m not sure if your dating other woman, which is your right to do so, but I’m looking for an exclusive relationship with the right person and want to find out if we’re on the same page before we go further.”

What this does is tell him where you stand, what you want, and what you will accept from hereon forward. If he responds with “I’m not ready” or anything that clearly shows he’s not wanting more than what you have, then its best to wish him luck and move on because he doesn’t envision a future a with you which is what a man needs to do in order to fully commit.

Women today really need to clarify this because men have no problem being exclusive and enjoying the company of a woman but if he isn’t planning A FUTURE with you, then he’s just waiting until he crosses the path of the woman he will.

You said it yourself – “new guy’s actions are great.”

I think you have yourself a boyfriend :-D

He’s maybe just someone who isn’t a big phone/texter – sometimes I think this can be a blessing in disguise.

Maybe you just need to ask him outright, ‘are we boyfriend and girlfriend?’ x

Hi Stephanie, great way to throw it back at them! Hopefully more woman will adopt it :-)

The problem is women get so wrapped in the superficial stuff (like texting), but aren’t paying attention to the BIG PICTURE—DOES HE SEE A FUTURE WITH HER?!?

Men don’t need a lot of cues to determine if the woman is someone they can envision a future with. They can pretty quickly determine if a woman fits their criteria of what they look for in a partner/mate/wife and if you don’t have them they they won’t express, talk, or open up about it with you. So if a man doesn’t start entwining you in his “life plan” within the first month or two, then odds are he never will.

In a nutshell, it doesn’t matter if he texts 20 times a day or 2 times a week, what really matters is the amount of time he spends talking to you about his future plans and starts including you in it, such as “lets have this many kids”, “I want us to live here”, “I want us to do this”, “I want us to go here”—the SUBSTANTIAL stuff

Sherri – you make a really good point. I think that’s what happened with the last guy I was seeing, it was so early but I totally let my guard down as he seemed so sincere. Everything was ‘lets go away for a road trip’ , ‘start planning for christmas’, ‘i dont date women who I dont see longterm potential with’ blah blah blah and I guess I believed it. then after i slept with him BOOM that was the end of all the mid/ long term plans.

Good call Sherri!

Yes, unless you know for absolutely certain the guy is ga-ga for you, don’t drop the panties :-) Women really need to go back to relying on their INTUITION moreso than emotions. Really WATCHING the guy carefully to see if he’s being truthful, honest, and forthright—a man of his word. This is how women USE to date…they would take a very long time discussing with their date(s) the pertinent details of creating a future life together (e.g., career goals, no. of kids, etc.) to see if they were on the same page.

If a woman is so focused on the sex, then that’s the type of relationship they will create …just sayin.

Lol Harley.Sounds like a good plan. Im totally putting sex off the cards now. It just makes me too vulnerable when I think the other person is on the same page as me and then it turns out they arent. Im basically on sabbatical when it comes to sex from here
on out. :)

HarleyH, there’s ALWAYS a risk with having sex with a man, even if he IS envisioning a future with you. Although men don’t bond emotionally with sex, if its OFF even after they have established an emotional bond, they will pull out.

There was a young lady on here recently who went through that. The guy totally bonded to her, but when they had sex for the first time months later, he broke up because the sex was really bad (no rhythm/out of sync). A woman had the same issue, they bonded were talking marriage and when they had sex for the first time she instantly lost all attraction because his penis was too small and knew that she would come to resent it. My dad even told me that my mom was lucky she didn’t give it out before they got married or he wouldn’t have married her—he described it as “it was her womanly duty”, lol.

@ Sherri LOL Christmas present to myself?!!!

@ Lane this is all so difficult to gauge. to have sex/ not to have sex. My notion was always to jst go with it if it felt right. I probably missed some red flags with the last dude though. I guess a part of me did wonder was I crap? Because it felt pretty good to me and I do think I know the difference b/w good sex/ bad sex by now. But if I dwell on that I will jst move into a spiral of anxiety/ self doubt and thats something I refuse to go down.

@Harley sounds really horrible. Its hard when youve started to trust someone and then you realise how wrong you were. sounds like youve come out stronger for it though.

Yep, I remember that lady who had come here and they had had sex after dating for 4 months and then he didn’t contact her again and she was quite inexperienced. I remember her saying was it all only about sex? And when I told my FWB this scenario, the first words out of his mouth was … the sex must have totally sucked. Yes, it is really important to be sexually compatible. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone before trying them out in bed first. I was married to an asexual man for 10 years. Don’t want to get into that again. Also I usually only have sex when I feel the time is right and when I am sure that the guy is sexually exclusive with me. I have that arrangement with my FWB too and we both are open to meeting others. I do want to explore more though so I think I will have a talk with him soon ….. ;)

Harley, I honestly think if you hadn’t bolted the first time it would have been very different story. The second time was based moreso on nostalgia, rather than reality, being that you lived in two different counties, too much time/distance, and being on different paths.

I’ve had those nostalgic thoughts—-wondering what my life would have been like if I decided to marry Travis, Don or Ed instead of Paul (my ex) and I know that I made the best choice even though it didn’t go as planned.

Wow, thank you all for the great advice!

Stefanie, love your take on the “I’ve been hurt” bit. So true!

I was married for 20 years so am still relatively new to dating (have been divorced 5 years but didn’t start dating right away). I don’t remember ever in my life having to have “the talk”, it’s usually been very obvious and just evolved naturally. But I think Lane is right, I need to just let him know what I want and let him decide if he’s interested in the same. I’ll be sure to come back and let y’all know how it goes!

Thanks again.