Mixed Signals


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  • #917981 Reply
    Sandra

    I met a guy back in 2018 at my cousins wedding. He’s 7 years older than me and lives in New York. I on the other hand live in the Philippines. After the wedding, we added each other on Facebook and started following each other on Instagram. This is actually how we got close, throughout 2018 and 2019, he would reply to my stories and we would talk from there. I didn’t really take him seriously though because at that time I knew he had a girlfriend and the different time zones. In 2020, he started to really compliment my photos and liked every single one of them. He really tried starting conversations with me but I ignored. I found out he no longer had a girlfriend but I was dating someone. Fast forward to 2021, he kept messaging and I found him extremely persistent. I went through a series of unstable relationship and thought that maybe I should give this guy a chance. I started replying and we ended up talking everyday for 3 months straight. Nothing physical ever happened between us but we got really close and it felt like it was going to evolve and become something serious. He stopped messaging me for 3 days straight and went to California. When he came back I questioned why he didn’t tell me and I did get mad that he didn’t message even if I was just expecting a conversation for seconds but he Instagram storied over 30 times during his stay there. He was initially sweet when he came back but ignored my feelings when I sent him a long message and I guess he was turned off by the whole situation. Days later, I asked where we stood and he asked if we could just stay friends. He started commenting me again on my Instagram stories, calling me beautiful. I didn’t know how to respond so I just ignored that reply. Two weeks passed, he posted a photo of a girl and a new puppy. It said that they adopted one together. I also remember the girl, she was with him in California and it did make me feel really bad after seeing that photo. A dog to me is something serious and I don’t think after two weeks of dating something like that would happen. She’s also 11 years younger than him. I do need an outside perspective on this. I’m going to California next year and we talked about meeting each other then. I don’t know what to do about this and I’m losing sleep overthinking about it.

    #917982 Reply
    Sandra

    To add to this story, he’s a Cardio-Thoracic Surgery Nurse and informs me about his work struggles. He said the reason why he didn’t reply to my long message is because it felt confrontational and he has to deal with people dying at work.

    #917986 Reply
    Sandra

    The guy is 32 years old, I’m 25 and the new girl is 21.

    #917987 Reply
    Ewa

    so you met him once and all this was just him liking your photos and text everyday? that’s not mixed signals , there was nothing there, just a pen pal situation.
    He is clearly in relationship.

    #917989 Reply
    Sandra

    He did inform me that he likes me, multiple times and we were discussing about a future together. He invited me to live with him and we did have video calls.

    #918093 Reply
    Maddie

    “He said the reason why he didn’t reply to my long message is because it felt confrontational and he has to deal with people dying at work.”

    There’s a lot of red flags here. This is the biggest. Followed by him not telling you he was in a new relationship (which is why he was messaging less). He is a bad communicator and dismissive of talking things out for real. He just told you here that you’re not a priority because he has stress at his job so never wants to deal with a relationship that can get stressful. Even though most good relationships flow easily, this blanket statement is an unrealistic fantasy and shows how he wants everything on his terms. Things in America are also admittedly really bad, so it may also reflect he’s not in the headspace for a real relationship that isn’t on his terms because his stress levels are too high. Long-distance with expectations instead of fantasy won’t fit the bill. Either way, he’s unavailable to you for the type of relationship you want. Even though he enjoys your (virtual) company and attention and it made him feel better for a while.

    While it’s difficult to hear, you’ve been leading yourself on in a fantasy arrangement as well. You said you’ve had some unstable relationships so you’d try to give this a chance… so to take a break from unstable you chose someone unavailable (inviting you to live with him is great when it’s just words, and pandemic aside, that’s a big future-faking jump if he can’t even make plans to arrange a visit first).

    If you want to move on and stop finding unstable or unavailable people, you need to ask yourself why you keep choosing them, and go from there, keeping the focus on yourself.

    I am sorry you’re struggling and overthinking, because just because it’s not a compatible match doesn’t mean it isn’t painful. But I think your best course is to try to move on here, probably go no contact, and get your side of the street tidy instead of focusing on him, so that you’ll be fully emotionally available to choose a better guy and start a relationship locally.

    #918101 Reply
    AmyAB

    He’s cheating on his girlfriend by staying in touch with you. That should make you cut him off. He’s using you for fun. Find someone local.

    #918117 Reply
    Raven

    The guy is 32 years old, and the new girl is 21… ICK!

    #918173 Reply
    Sandra

    We did make plans to see each other. He was going to fly here to visit me and I him, but all of this would’ve been next year.

    #918187 Reply
    T from NY

    90 percent of the time regarding relationships with men – an
    ‘I don’t know’ means ‘NO’. I don’t believe in mixed signals. If a man is into you, wants a relationship – there is no doubt.

    Let go of the things not honoring you.

    #918228 Reply
    Maddie

    Again, I know it’s harsh, but he made “plans” with you in words with no actions. He didn’t buy a ticket, he started dating someone else. Everything he did was talk, not aligned in follow through. He will continue to waste your time if you let him.

    #918242 Reply
    Sandra

    Alright, thanks Maddie that’s actually really good advice and I appreciate the really long message.

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