Long Distance- complicated


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This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  SthrnBelle 1 month ago.

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  • #605679 Reply

    Lucy

    We have been dating for year and a half, at the beginning everything was amazing. He did some traveling together and enjoyed much the company of each other.
    We live in different cities, that it’s around 2 hours driving in distance so we usually see each other each 2-3 weeks.
    I’m a single mom living very far away from my family. I don’t go out much and i don’t have many friends and I know this has made me very needy sometimes and this has made him stressed because he can’t not be here with me all the time.
    When we meet, my daughter is always with us and of course this makes things more complicated because we can’t go out much to do “adult” things like go for drinks, cinema,etc.
    Last december after spending christmas with his family, he tried to broke up with me. he told me that he wasnt sure if things would work between us because the distance, also he felt the things were becoming pretty formal and he wasnt sure if that’s what he wanted because there were things he needed to fix first. At the end we had a long discussions and many tears from both, we decided to stay together because we have so much feeling for each other.
    Since then, i’ve been feeling very insecure and i’m not sure if he really wants to be with me or if this is right for us. My mind has been all over the place.
    He usually go out with his friends and makes me sad, because we haven’t gone out for a while. I feel he has more fun and it’s easier for him go out with them than with me.

    I’ve told him i don’t pretend that he will be with me all the time but sometimes i’d like we plan a date together or something. he says that I should go out more with friends. I think he’s right but at the same time makes me feel bad he doesn’t make plans with me.
    Is this because i’m being too needy or i’m right in something?

    #605681 Reply

    Crisula

    Yes..very needy.

    You need to also have a life separate from his or you’ll lose him

    start joining clubs..meeting people

    checkout meetup.com
    lot’s to do

    how old is your daughter?

    #605682 Reply

    Lucy

    She’s almost 10, and general they get along well together, not like a father/daughter thing (we are clear on that) but as friends.

    Yeah i know im ruining this and sometimes i think i just should broke up with him because the same reason.
    But at the same time it’s like throwing him away and i don’t want to hurt him.

    i feel like a mess at the moment 🙁

    #605684 Reply

    Crisula

    well..why throw it away? Might as well work on the relationship..yes?

    But that is difficult, for both of you, always having your daughter with you

    #605716 Reply

    Peggy

    Hi Lucy-I think you do need to develop friends, hobbies,a support system. I also think that a year and a half is time enough to have discussed and or made a move-you to where he lives or vice versa. Maybe you can’t move because her dad lives in your area? Perhaps you can strengthen your self and your life as suggested and see how you are feeling, where things are in 6 months. I think if you are less needy and it has been 2 years,then a decision to stop being long distance with each other and live in the same area/house can be made. This is ideal,as ldr are stressful and not a realistic gauge of how you work as a day to day couple.

    #609791 Reply

    Laura T.

    Hi Lucy:
    Your post hit home with me in some ways so I wanted to share some thoughts. I’m also a single Mom in a long distance relationship, and it IS challenging. It’s also challenging to consider walking away from someone when both people seem to have such a strong connection. I wholeheartedly agree Crisula, and it’s exactly what I’ve been doing…get out and make friends, meet others, and have your own life. I won’t bore you with the details of my situation, but backing off some and letting him initiate works wonders. (It’s surprising what men do when we women ‘let go’ of the needy vibe on our end…especially when we often don’t even realize we’re doing it. That takes practice;-) Meanwhile, you’d be doing other things and will have more to share rather than seeming to want so much from him (that’s how it may feel to him anyway).

    As long as you feel things are moving incrementally forward, then trusting things to fall into place naturally helps (though VERY difficult, I understand!)

    Also, as a single Mom, I understand the balance you’re dealing with. But do you have any options for seeing him on occasion without your daughter? Does her father live nearby or do you have family? Or even arranging a sleepover for her at a friend’s house? Spending some one on one time with him would seem very important for your relationship to flourish. Just some thoughts…I do hope things get better for you and wish you the very best:-)

    #612760 Reply

    T from NY

    I think the advice you’ve been given is very good. Though I’m concerned that you feel he doesn’t plan dates for you two. That would make me feel sad too.

    Get a sitter. Get a new hobby. Then ask your bf to plan a date and while you’re out tell him all about what you’ve learned! He has to feel like he gets alone time and some romance (and so do you!) for all the distance and hard work he’s putting in. If he just feels that you’re depressed or a stressed momma and that he’s not making you happy — that’s not sexy and he will ultimately lose faith in the relationship.We all need to be our best selves in our relationships because that will make us the best partners!

    If for any reason he hems and haws and doesn’t make plans when you clear the way — I think you should re-evaluate whether this man is meeting your needs. Don’t worry about how you’ve been acting. Start today!! — focusing more on you!! And odds are your relationship will improve or you’ll realize you want something different altogether.

    #612764 Reply

    Harley

    doesn’t sound to me like he’s putting effort in.

    I’d throw this fish back in the pond.

    get yourself a life…friends…A babysitter and seek a guy who would move heaven and earth for you.

    #613548 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    If all he says to you about making dates is to go out on your own, well, to me that says it all.

    I did two years in an LDR. I was the one to break up once when he went back on moving together once. It is extremely hard. I almost broke up again after he went back on it a second time and decided against my best judgment or perhaps it was my best judgment to just watch his actions. I saw him suffering a lot too and fighting through it. He wants it but.

    In the meantime I did just that. Go out, make friends, even go on dates, enjoy life. Watch the actions of men how they treat you. See if you leave the situation alone, whether he wants to meet you more. Do not suggest, no pushing. But you can only do this if your mindset changes and for that you really do need to get a life, I know it is hard.

    Consider that if someone is offering you no commitment, offer them no commitment. Be open, make yourself happy. It is decided inside.

    I understand your fears because he wanted to break up. That never happened to me with mine. If so I would be long gone, in fact he freaks if he thinks I disappear on him. More and more so lately. Why? Because I let go of my fears, I let go on focusing on someone like a husband who is not my husband. While he does actually act like a support system, I do not consider him that. I am my own support system and my friends and some family. He will earn that as well as many other rights the moment we are married and even then do not ever take anything for granted.

    Be happy with you. A relationship is an extra, not the end and be all. Takes time to get it, to master it, to own it and feel it but you should try to get there.

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