Long distance


This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Amanda 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #627580 Reply

    Girl

    Last year I lived in NYC and met a guy through a dating app. To be honest, it was quite new for me because it was the first time I had tried online dating, but he looked cute, and I decided to give myself a try.

    He was very persuasive and insisted on meeting me for a drink, and I accepted. I couldn’t hide that he liked me, but I wasn’t sure about my feelings, so we didn’t even kiss on the first date. We had met three times before I left NYC.We haven’t slept because I got the feeling that he just wanted sex I wanted him to put more effort, cause I initiated texting and meetings.

    At our first date, he was chatty and flattery but later on, he has become less interested in conversation. Our texts were short, only suggesting when we were going to meet. I don’t fall on sweet stories that man use to seduce a woman, what I liked about him are mutual interests I had discovered. He is clever, so he has noticed that I will follow any kind of conversation and jokes without beeing a fool. He tried to impress me how clever and educated he is (which is fine) but then discovered that I have the same level of education as him, even he is 8yrs older than me. Even once he told me I am bossy, but my intention was not to brag around, I just followed the conversation. On the other hand, he told me that

    He knew that I won’t sleep with him but still wanted to meet. WEIRD??
    I told him openly that it’s ok to stop texting and being in contact if he was too busy but he denied, telling that he wanted to meet.
    He is 37 and is 8yrs older than me. He works and travels a lot. He suggested to visit me in my country wanting to know more about my hometown and country, but I didn’t take it seriously, since he ‘couldn’t find time in NYC.’ I usually made jokes of it. Later, I discovered that he travels very much, and he may have thought seriously.

    It’ s been almost a year I haven’t seen him and I still think about him. We are connected through social media, but we never text. He has a girlfriend for almost a year, and it is serious because he published that, but I can’t see much of them together since (I think) he has blocked me from viewing their posts. He is very active on social media, while I don’t use it extensively. But I found he likes most of my posts, especially photos, but never texts or comments.I sometimes like his posts and photos too. A few months ago I posted a painting from Picasso’s exhibition in my country, and he wrote:’ let’s go next time?’
    I replied ‘yes, it was a great exhibition,’ but he just liked my comment. That was all. He still occasionally likes my posts, but never texts.
    Why does he like my posts if he is happily in love?? He saw me only several times. He could stop liking my posts or defriend me since we never talk.

    I am not saying that he is Mr.right (I don’t know him, he doesn’t know me well). It is ok if we don’t match, but to be able to discover that we need to meet once again. Now I just feel like I haven’t said/done what I could have, that’s why I can’t get rid of this feeling.

    I really want to see him again to be able but don’t know HOW to do it right, to achieve one more meeting WITHOUT being a rejected fool.
    Any tips..?

    #627581 Reply

    Kayla

    He only saw you because you initiated the texting and the meet ups. Red flag.

    He didn’t ask you on dates. Red flag

    He has a gf and isn’t keeping it a secret. Red flag.

    He has blocked certain parts of his Facebook from you. Red flag.

    He lives far away and says he wants to meet, but couldn’t find time to meet you when he was in the same city . Red flag.

    It’s been a year of nothing and Facebook likes. Red flag.

    This guy is showing no interest in you outside of an occassional flirtation. He has a long term gf. He hasn’t proactively attempted to date you, even when you were in the same city. You already look foolish wasting your time on a man who admits to having a gf and shows minimal interest in you.

    This didn’t go anywhere even when you were in NYC. It isn’t going anywhere now. What is it you feel th need to say to a stranger who is already in a relationship?

    Are you such a low person you want to attempt to attract a man away from his gf? There are no other men you could possibly be with or meet other than this man you do no know and have only encountered a few times over a year ago?

    Honey he is rejecti you and you are acting very foolish.

    #627586 Reply

    Raven

    Honey, none of this matters… He’s got a serious girlfriend.
    There are other guys out there, that will treat you right.

    #627594 Reply

    Lane

    This whole thing is so sad.

    You seriously need to lay off the romance novels and look at this objectively. HE IS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, who he loves or he wouldn’t be with her!!! He never saw you romantically, only someone he engaged with briefly when YOU reach out to him.

    This is a one-sided OBSESSION where you’ve created this whole fantasy in your head about a man who has zero desire to be with you. You need to cut him out of your life because its so sad you’ve spent all this time pining for a man who has done not one thing other than click some FB comments/photos (meaningless activity when bored) to elicit such an obsession.

    He’s a cat that plays with his mouse (you) for a bit and then kisses, cuddles, talks to, spends time with, and makes love with his real life GF.

    #627632 Reply

    Kayla

    I completely agree with you. That is how I see things and I’m not ashamed to confess it, but a friend of mine have a different view. She said I pulled him away.

    He found me, did the first move and insisted on meetings, but when he realized I will not accept his late dinner proposals, he cooled down. It is obvious that he didn’t put enough effort that’s why he barely get a few kiss from me but a friend of mine put me in doubt and encouraged to try with him.

    It’s not that I can’t find another and better. Meanwhile, I had a boyfriend and I broke up with him because I didn’t have as strong feelings as him. I have never been in a toxic relationship and prefer to talk openly about everything. That’s why I don’t regret any of my past relationships.

    I have always attracted men but I never put any effort. The less I attention I paid the more men I attracted. I wanted to give up on this man who didn’t treat me as I was used to, but this made my friend furious, telling me that he must get to know me instead of giving up.

    She has always had a man she wanted. I witnessed it several times. One example was my neighbor. She told me she liked him and asked me to introduce them, and I did. After meeting him she was even more attracted than before, while he was not into her at all. She started texting him, but he didn’t like that. He didn’t ignore her texts because she was my friend and after a month he asked me to find a polite way to tell her to stop texting him as he was not into her. I was in an awkward situation, but I had to tell her the truth. She was not surprised at all, telling me that she knew it and everything would be fine, but also admitted she won’t give up. I felt horrible because I promised my neighbor she won’t be texting him again. She apologized and told me not to worry, my neighbor won’t be mad at me.

    After 2 months they started dating. She was extremely happy, but I was surprised by him. He went crazy about her at that point that he insisted texting and meeting her. At the beginning, he was hiding from me because he was ashamed of me seeing him completely crazy about her. All his friends noticed the change. Later on, he admitted to me as well that she was the best thing in his life, confessing he did everything to pull her away not realizing what a huge mistake would that be. Everyone was wondering how she did it.

    She is very intelligent and believes in herself. She knows how to talk to people, especially to men without being boring and pushy. Her self-confidence and relaxed attitude in conversations make men melt in her company, giving her full respect.

    But I know we are all different and I don’t expect this to apply to me and my story since it is not the same.Plus there is a cultural difference. She was the one who suggested me to go on a blind date, claiming that he was the one who insisted on meeting me and I pushed him away because I was hard to get and not relaxed. ”It was not a surprise that after you had left he found a girlfriend. You had your chance. I got your neighbor who refused to meet me and you are not able to keep a man who was into you.”

    But this is just her point of view, which is ok if applied to her. But we are all different.

    #627640 Reply

    Shannon

    Okay, your friend sounds toxic. It’s not a competition.

    It’s almost like she is pressuring you to prove yourself by throwing yourself at some guy who has a girlfriend, lives in another country, and throws you an occasional Facebook like.

    Things did not work out between you and this man because they were not meant to work out. You do not have all the control. He wasn’t pursuing you. He may even have been dating this other woman at the same time as you.

    Everyone is different. Perhaps your neighbor had a mother who was a bit psycho, so your friend’s out of control desperate behavior…yes, desperate…feels familiar and safe to him so he is attracted to that. Most other men would have called the cops.

    Who cares what your friend says, the truth of the matter is you are developing a fixation on a man who has moved on with his life without you. You are wasting your time analyzing Facebook likes. Whenever I have developed these kind of crushes…and everyone has, we’re all human….I have found it’s because I am lacking something in my life. Go back out there and date other men. I understand you’ve already had a relationship with another man since then…well, he wasn’t the right one either. Keep looking.

    #627656 Reply

    Phillygirl

    This man was obviously just looking for NSA sex when he met you in NY. He didn’t want anything else (except maybe an ego boost and some entertainment), and thought he’d get you to agree. He’s keeping you “on a string” in case you two ever end up in the same place, and he can exploit that and convince you to sleep with him.

    Men that do that are not good guys, especially while in a relationship.

    And your friend sounds like a total psycho. Men tell her to go away and she refuses?? That’s a serious boundary issue, there is something very wrong with her- and something even more wrong with your neighbor. I think they both have some serious emotional issues and I’d stay away from both of them..for good.

    #627857 Reply

    Girl (Phillygirl)

    You may be right. He was probably just looking for a good sex and found me attractive. Which is fine. Physical appearance is what first attracts attention. I didn’t expect to find a boyfriend, especially not trough internet, but he was cute, I was new in the town, had a free afternoon and accepted to meet for a drink (he vas very persuasive).

    He was single while I was in NYC. On our first date, he wanted to hide his excitement, but he couldn’t. He was staring at me all the time, following my every move, even if I put the worst clothes on me (old sneakers, jeans, T-shirt and no make-up. Still, I was meeting a stranger).
    He was passionate talking about his family and interests and wanted to know everything about me, but when I told him I was temporary in NYC he changed. What I liked about him, besides his appearance, are many mutual interests that we have.

    He is the guy who I would like to talk to again, to meet again. He is a guy whose company I liked. He has somehow drawn my attention, which it’s usually not easy. He probably liked my company, otherwise, he wouldn’t meet again (just for a walk/drink) or call back (at least I’d behave like that.I’d never reply to an annoying text or call, but we are all different).

    Maybe I would say I got the wrong impression of him, maybe I would develop some feelings for him, maybe I would say I don’t like him, maybe I would like to have sex with him, maybe I would like to be just friends or maybe I would wish to never hear from him again.

    But at least I would have based my opinion on facts, not on assumptions what could have happened.

    As for my friend, I have known her since high school and she was normal. I was always wondering how she manages to impress other people and sometimes I didn’t support her behavior, but it proved to be good ( I wouldn’t have such success if I behaved like her. I’m not telling just about my neighbor, but communication with other people. People adore her and she has a lot of friends..) But, we don’t live in the same country anymore so I can’t say anything else.

    #627879 Reply

    Sarah

    Fake post, the OP Girl was then Kayla is it only me noticing that?

    #627891 Reply

    Kayla

    I don’t think so Sara. For some reason it seems the OP was putting the name of the person who she was responding to, as her name. She doesn’t seem to know how to use the site function.

    #627961 Reply

    Girl

    Not fake post, just reply to Kayla.

    #627993 Reply

    Amanda

    There is nothing wrong with trying extra hard for certain men, and in many cases you shouldn’t be afraid to do that. But this case just doesn’t fit. First, really think about/learn what facebook likes are meant to portray. A ton of taken and married men(and women) hit like on all my photos. That doesn’t mean they want to date me! It is just sort of a polite way to say, “hey nice photo”. Seriously don’t you notice other men hit “like” on your photos? I hit like on guys pics all the time and don’t give a second-thought to them romantically. At the very most a “like” means a guy found your pic attractive. Men find a lot of women attractive – it means nothing.

    As for your friend, she is an exception. But even if she wasn’t, you are missing one gigantic detail: the guy you are interested in has a GIRLFRIEND.

    In any case, you need more help with this situation than we can give you here. I think sitting down and talking to a therapist would help you. It doesn’t mean you are crazy – therapists serve the role of an objective, impartial view that can help you clear your thoughts. Friends and family are always biased.

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