Lack of interest in sex


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This topic contains 51 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  AbEnlilkyEnvime 10 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #558475 Reply

    Sara

    I’ve been seeing a man almost 5 months now, he’s smart , attractive and caring . He’s already moved in with me .
    The thing is, he only want sex once a week if not less. Sometime as little as once every two weeks

    He talks about his past relationship and he said him and the girl had sex Everytime they saw each other . Makes me wonder if it’s him not me.

    Any thoughts on why?
    He’s 36 and I’m 35 im in a rush to marry and have kids

    #558481 Reply

    Janet

    I think he just has a low sex drive imo. My ex husband was the same – he talked himself up infront of friends etc like he was a stud – he did it to me for years (l was very young and inexperienced when we met) it took me a long while to realise, he just had a low sex drive….and l think he thought he ‘should’ have been more horny, like his friends – so he ‘hammed’ it up. If its not enough for you, you have to move on. I believe from experience that this won’t change.
    Just my 2 cents worth.

    #558482 Reply

    Hannah

    You sure are in a rush if you’ve moved him in within 5 months! How was he able to move in so quickly? How are his finances etc?

    I’m just wondering if he is with you because you’re convenient or because he genuinely loves you. Quite honestly, 5 months is too quick for me to fall in love.

    #558484 Reply

    Peggy

    Hi Sara-Quit rushing-you are putting pressure on yourself and on him to be “the one”. 5 months is fast to live together.
    My thoughts are that you are sexually incompatible-if you want more than he does etc. or that he is feeling pressured and is unsure of his feelings so he is with-drawing sexually and maybe otherwise. Let him be, a bit with the lack of sex, and see if it improves-do not initiate. If a couple more weeks, does not improve the situation talk to him in a non nagging manner. Good luck!

    #558489 Reply

    Sara

    Well, I’m blessed with a very rich family and have a Doctor.. He’s not as well off but comes from a good family of drs., his lease was up and he didn’t want to resign because he’s looking to buy a house so he moved in with me .

    I’m in a rush because of my age and the fact I want kids. He’s sweet and loving to me but not much sexual interest unless he’s been drinking .

    The reason he told me about his ex was because I asked. I had heard from a friend that she complained he wanted 24/7 and she felt he used her for sex.

    #558493 Reply

    Tom

    With your biological clock ticking, what do you want more – to have kids? To be married? Or to be in love and be married?

    #558494 Reply

    Sara

    I want both

    #558499 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Hmmm. So we know it is either physical or in the mind.

    Since he is a doctor he has the best that medical advice can offer if he were to choose to be examined I would speculate.

    For some reason I think it is between the ears. How does he feel about getting married and having children? Do you think perhaps because your family is wealthy he feels a bit intimidated? Maybe he feels he cannot keep you in the style of which you have been used to?

    Men have to feel like winners…it is in the ego and DNA. Does he feel like a winner with you? Or does he feel like your family might look down on him?

    #558504 Reply

    Hannah

    Maybe he simply got burned in his other relationship and doesn’t want sex to be a focus? He doesn’t want you to feel he’s using you for sex.

    Talk to him. Not a big conversation. I would actually do it during or right after sex. Tell him how much you enjoy it and say you’d love to do it more often. If he’s holding back because of his past, he’ll change that if you give him the green light.

    #558530 Reply

    Tom

    Based on your answer, it might be tough to fit in love, marriage and kids in the next 5 years. While it’s certainly tough, you don’t need to be married and have love to have children. Nothing simple about that but some women follow that route.

    Thoughts on that?

    #558556 Reply

    Sara

    He wasn’t burned by his ex , they dated 8 yrs . He left her. I do know he was still sleeping with her till he met me.

    I don’t want kids without love and marriage. I’m the doctor not him.
    There was also a night where he stay out with his friends till 6 am. His ex also texted the next day which from what I know he doesn’t talk to her anymore so seemed fishy. Maybe I’m reading too much into all this

    #558557 Reply

    Ollie

    I wouldn’t care about how many times he did it with an ex. What is more important here is this…is he giving you is enough for you? I’m speaking of sexual, yes, but all around he needs to be a good fit for you. If not, you should moving on so the man that suits you better can show up.

    #558642 Reply

    Sara

    So I just got off my shift at the hospital, i went home and my boyfriend was sleeping and I saw his phone light up , it was a text from his ex , the preview said can we please talk about what happened?i don’t have his password so I couldn’t snoop . I worked the night shift last night so he could’ve been with her , I’m freaked out.

    Am I over reacting ? Could she be talking about something in the past? I know she hasn’t let go . He broke up with her so I don’t see why he would entertain anything with her, could this be a sign of why he’s not interested in sex?
    How do I bring this up tomorrow? Should bring it up before he goes to work or after ? Please advise

    #558650 Reply

    Newbie

    I’m usually not very conspicious about exes, but in this case i do think there is unfinished business. When it comes to the text, that doesn’t have to mean something recent happened, could also refer to the break up.
    Its strange to me that a guy leaves his gf after 8 years. But if he did, he must have had really enough of it. That doesn’t mean he is over the break up. Since that is all so recent, you could be a rebound and he is just comfortable right now without too much hassle.
    I think you need to have an open talk about what you and him both want. Not before work, but when you have time. Lay it out on the table: your endgoal is marriage and kids and you would like to know if that is something he wants to and if its a joined goal or not. Better to know than to keep wandering in the dark. If he is not clear, then tell him you you cant be with him, because life is busy enough and you need time to find a man who wants to make that happen with you.
    Maybe i’m phrasing it bad, but you get the idea. I have a feeling this guy isnt your man, also combined with the sex drive, but who knows?

    #558651 Reply

    Supernova

    I would somehow obtain that phone password, that sounds really fishy! That might explain a lot of things.

    #558968 Reply

    Janet

    I would definitely confront him before work and see what he has to say. Did you not talk the whole night you were at work?

    #558973 Reply

    Shannon

    I was originally going to say that perhaps he’s just gotten older. He was with his ex for eight years and he’s thirty-five. He may have been generalizing about the whole relationship and was talking about in the beginning they had sex all the time. So that would have made him, what, 26, 27?

    Then, the text. Right now it is too soon to say if the ex is going to be an issue. Just because SHE sent him a text doesn’t mean that he answered it or that he’s even talking to her. BUT…if you are marriage minded and looking at him as the one, and he’s actually LIVING with you, I think you are well within your rights to mention that although you were not snooping in his phone, you couldn’t help noticing that text on the screen. I think in your situation ANY ONE would have read that. Even me, and I’m usually big on respecting people’s privacy.

    #558980 Reply

    Lisa

    I am not sure the real issue here is sex. You moved a man in with you and did not clarify his intentions.

    I would never live with a man unless I was engaged or married to him. Many women believe moving in means moving to the next level and it doesn’t. In fact, the way I read what you wrote is that he moved in with yu out of convenience. His lease was up and he needed a place to live (without a lease) so he can buy a house, that doesn’t sound like he moved in for love or marriage.

    If he was having sex with the ex right up until you? That means more could be going on than you realize. Or not. But you could be just a rebound.

    How often did you two have sex before he moved in? How is it a friend would tell you about the ex and him having so much sex with her? That sounds odd. And the fact he told you he couldn’t keep his hands off her is really odd. Even it was true, what man would say that to a current gf?

    I am going to guess he isnt viewing things the way you are. You are seeing long term, and you unless he has stated otherwise, he may not be. What are the rent arrangements? Does he pay his share?

    I would not confront about the text, but I would have a discussion of what he envisions of for the future. This is something you should have discussed prior to move in, but better late than never.

    #559340 Reply

    Sara

    I agree things did move really fast but I never had this kind of a connection before. We have had these talks and he says he wants the same things. He’s older and mature now

    About the ex , she knows al it of the same people as me, so a friend told me about her and gave me her name, I looked at her facebook out of curiosity , she kept popping up under friend suggestions so I’m sure she was stalking my page since we only had six friends in common . She is nothing like me , very pretty but in that fake boobs, hair extensions plastic way. Looks very porn star to me. She doesn’t have a good career. She models and bartends .

    The only reason the topic of sex came up is because we were talking about past relationships and I asked about his longest one . He said it was very on and off . That he would run into her out and he was so attracted to her that they would end up having sex and she would force back into a relationship , only to break up a few months by his choice . All the breaks up were his choice and she was crushed each time and would try to get him back using sex. They have been broke up two years in which he had another girlfriend in between there and they broke up because he wasn’t attracted to her like the ex but when he started sleeping with his ex , she would try to force a relationship .
    So they haven’t slept together in over a month before I met him and even before that it was only one time in a month and she cried when he didn’t want her back.
    I asked him why and he said it just wasn’t working out, he couldn’t pinpoint it because he was very atracted to her and she treated him very well. I believe she wasn’t intelligent for him because he’s a very smart man . I don’t believe at all he wants her back. I am worried he might have slept with her tho. Since he claims that’s what would draw him back everytime.

    He has a good job and comes from a wealthy family, he just sold his first house and was leasing till he found what he was looking for so its not like he’s in need of a place, in fact he hasn’t even been looking since moving in with me but I guess it’s always a possible . I’m not quite sure.

    I didn’t confront him because I didn’t want to accuse him of anything and he does come home to me every night.
    He’s been acting very strange lately tho . Almost got and cold . Distant in bed but very attentive everywhere else, I’m wondering if he has a little guilt about something he did.

    I’m not sure if I should bring this up now or wait
    Thoughts?

    #559341 Reply

    Sara

    Oh and I looked over at his phone the next evening and saw he didn’t reply to her text.

    #559345 Reply

    Kim

    He doesn’t find you that sexually appealing. He hasn’t proposed to you.

    After five months you barely know the man. Obviously the attracts isn’t that great if he isn’t interested in you sexually. You haven’t answered questions regarding the living situation. Does he pay part of your mortgage or rent? Does he want to eventually marry you?

    Your post sounds fake to me. Especially the ‘port star’ comment. Who says that? Other than out friend Mike on here?

    #559346 Reply

    Kim

    And I thought you didn’t have the passcode for his phone, so how was it you could now check his messages?? And if you did, then you should have been able to see her full message and not just the partial one you mentioned in your initial post.

    #559353 Reply

    alia

    He might have called her back instead of texted, who knows. This doesn’t look good to me. I would have come to Jesus talk sooner than later. Why is he telling you all this ex stuff, it seems like too much info. He is still in touch with her, and I do believe he might have cheated already on you with the ex.
    I think you need to move this man out and start over. Tell him what it is you want and if he can’t offer you that, he needs to move out and on. You really have no time to waste and if you want love and children, like you say, you need to be really proactive.
    Listen, even my girlfriends who had children in their twenties were very proactive and vocal about their intentions and wishes with their guys. Men lead, sure, but women have to be vocal about what they want including what they need and what they won’t tolerate.

    #559382 Reply

    Sara

    Kim,
    I didn’t mean
    The porn star comment rudely towards women, I just meant she doesn’t present herself in the most respectable way.. Fake blonde hair, fake boobs, too sexy of clothing but she a bartended after all.

    My post is Legit , he had an iPhone and when he strolls down , it shows names with the last text of that person I peeled over when we were matching a movie.
    My place is paid off but he does pay half the bills.
    I sure hope he finds me sexually appealing since he felt the need to move in aftef only a few months , I don’t see why he would do that if he wasn’t that into me . I don’t expect he would propose after just 5 months
    Maybe post in my post offended you somehow?

    #559406 Reply

    Km

    You seem all over the place. First you say he doesn’t want sex that much, but then you never really stated what the baseline reference was. Did you have a lot more sex before he moved in? What’s changed?

    Then you say he got a text from the ex and were suspect. You cyber stalk her and make comments about her looks.. Which I’m not what that has to do with anything. Other than you were being catty.

    Yu say you want kids and marriage right away, but then haven’t even determined what this mans intentions are? I know a lot of women who got engaged within 6 months and have been happily married for years. It’s not the timing, it’s the question of why move a man in when you don’t know if he is even on the same page as you?

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