Issues with a friend


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This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Cathy 6 days, 11 hours ago.

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  • #659960 Reply

    Cathy

    Could I get some advice please. I have a dear friend who I love but she has upset me with a number of comments over the last year. I have noted her comments and was a bit peeved when she said them but ignored them did not react and said nothing. She is very rich and works for her parents who have also paid for her house and her sons education. Examples of wha she has said include. I would not live where you do . I don’t like the area. Your house is small. Your friend is nice but not your type of person i.e. Lower class. Another one too is my son did very well in his high school exams and got accepted into a great uni. I was so proud as he worked so hard and deserved his result. Her son did not and she said that high school exam results not such a big deal and that uni is over rated. Not such an encouraging comment !!!!
    I got drunk the other night and all my frustrations came out. She was taken aback quite understandably because I had never brought it up before. She blamed it on me drinking. I apologised to her and said that I behaved totally unacceptably. I accept that I did not handle it well and she said it was ok and that it was just the drink talking.
    I am in two minds whether I should actually bring up how I feel about her comments. I do feel disrespected by them and hurt. I am proud of what I have achieved in my life by myself. Modest achievements but I am proud of them and wouldn’t change anything.
    I think I would like to have a non drunken talk to her about how her comments have made me feel. But wonder if I am over reacting. And if this would cause problems. She is an important friend. Thanks.

    #659971 Reply

    kaye

    I think everyone knows there is more truth to what people say when they are drunk and inhibitions are down. I’m pretty sure she understands now some of the things she has said to you upset you and they came out when you were drinking. She forgave you for your outburst and blew it off as drunk talk but I think she got the point. I wouldn’t say anything again at this time. I would see if she changes her behavior and refrains from this kind of talk in the future. If not, the next time she makes a comment I would say, now that’s exactly the kind of comment that makes me feel disrespected and hurt like I was telling you the other night.

    #659976 Reply

    Amanda

    I agree with Kaye. If she is a decent person she already got the point. If she says something else again that is when I would bring it up, kindly but firmly. Just as you are sensitive about your comparative lack of wealth, I am sure she is sensitive about the fact that she didn’t really earn it.

    #659987 Reply

    cathy

    Hi. I think I was just nasty and did not bring up the actual topics that were upsetting me. Should I have a chat without the alcohol of course just to make sure we on same page

    #659988 Reply

    Raven

    If she continues, take a step back & find new friends…

    #659997 Reply

    Amanda

    These talks can really risk a friendship. I would just wait and see if her behavior continues. And it is best to bring it right after she says it, so she can’t dispute the evidence.

    #660001 Reply

    Amanda Rocks

    If your friend has peeved you and you brought it up when drinking you should have just owned it and told her look I didnt go about this the right way and spoke to you when I was drinking about how you have hurt me but you did hurt me and its not acceptable. Instead you told her that you were in the wrong and that you were the unacceptable one. Why didnt you just say it then ? It sounds to me like shes a bit pissed that your son did better than hers and it also sounds like youre a bit resentful of her being so wealthy and having an easy life. Either way what is the point of a friendship when you are resenting each other ? Is she really that important ?

    #660016 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Yeah, I wonder how much the two of you are really friends…..

    #660030 Reply

    Phillygirl

    I consider a friend someone who demonstrates they care about me, respects me(and my feelings), is supportive, wants only what is best for me, and who can communicate honestly and sincerely with me.

    This does not sound like a friendship at all to me. It sounds like two jealous, resentful people who put up with each other.

    Relationships included friendships need love, healthy boundaries, and understanding to fuel them.

    I question why you call this a friendship, it doesn’t sound much like one to me.

    Friends are supposed to encourage and be there for one another. The world can be tough enough, to me a friendship should be a safe place and shelter from the storms of life. But it should also be a place where people can speak honestly and sincerely (coming from a place of love and care).

    To me it doesn’t sound like either of you are very good friends to one another. You sound resentful of her wealth and she sounds tactless and self obsessed.

    Maybe it’s time to let this “friendship” run its course if you two can respect one another and speak frankly about what upsets you.

    This sounds like it is or is becoming toxic, and that’s the opposite of friends. That’s not a healthy dynamic not one I’d have in my life.

    Sometimes friendships end, or outlive their shelf life. In those instances where you care more about being tight than being a good friend, or you feel continually disrespected and insulted, I have no idea why you’d cling to the friendship.

    #660031 Reply

    Phillygirl

    If you two CAN’T respect one another
    and
    Care more about being RIGHT

    #660131 Reply

    Cathy

    Thanks for your input. A bit harsh by a few. Will just let it go for now and if she’s does it again I will bring it up immediately.

    #660132 Reply

    Cathy

    Can’t let it run its course going on a big holiday next year together

    #660266 Reply

    yeah yeah yeah

    Use the sandwich method. Say what you what you value about the friendship and then lay out your grievances, and then reiterate the positive.

    “I really enjoy our conversations, but something has been on mind. When you make X sort of comments, it hurts my feelings. Again, I do value our friendship.

    #660298 Reply

    Jan

    Going on a vacation with a woman who annoys you? I see. I bet she is paying your way though. I don’t hear any solid friendship here.

    #660485 Reply

    Cathy

    Thanks Jan xx

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