Is this what "ghosting" is?


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This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  L 8 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #603201 Reply

    Sue

    I started dating him in November.

    On our dates he was a perfect gentleman – picking me up, driving me home, calling after every date and being consistently interested in me. He took me on various dates, from the movies to dinner and we spoke or texted every day.

    Things moved fairly slowly, with one date a week on average, but we did go to each other’s houses and we were beginning to slowly get closer. He seemed like an open and honest and respectful man.

    In January we started to get a little closer, and we started sleeping together over January. He stayed over at my house for the first time and we had a lovely night watching old movies and talking.

    He messaged me the next day and things escalated a little because he asked me if I wanted to take a vacation with him this summer, and we looked at places and ideas together as well as discussing other future plans.

    That was the first time I started feeling real attachment, and I fell asleep smiling and feeling all warm inside.

    Then I never heard from him again!

    He had messaged or called me every day, so when he was quiet I was initially just a bit confused. I left it about 10 days and then sent him a message asking if he was all right, and what had happened.

    He read the message and never replied to me.

    Is this what ghosting is? It’s made me feel pretty terrible that he could not even break up with me with some reasonable level of respect.

    Why would someone behave like that? Escalate and then disappear?

    #603207 Reply

    April

    Hi Sue, yes that looks like ghosting. There are many reasons why men do this: he maybe freaked out by the fact that you guys are getting closer (..but 10 days is a little long) or he figured out he doesn’t want to continue seeing you again or he met someone else. Nobody here knows really. I know you’re hurt right now and I understand that feeling, you have reached out to him and that’s enough, you’ve done your part. I know how much you want to reach out again because you just want to know what the hell happened but you just take a step back, calm yourself, tone down your emotions ( I understand how annoying this is!), you want to avoid pestering him with calls and messages.

    When you were dating, did you notice any red flags at all? Was it clear from the beginning what he was looking for? Where did you meet?

    No matter how difficult it is, refocus your thoughts on something else and get it off of him for the meantime. He knows where and how to contact you.

    #603210 Reply

    Sue

    Thank you April. Actually I don’t want to contact him, I am actually feeling more disgusted that anyone would behave like that so it created a sense of not wanting to speak to him. I think I feel more violated / used /disregarded and most of all extremely shocked as we had a very warm and respectful relationship where it would have been very easy for him to have graciously communicated to me that it was over.

    I think there were maybe a few red flags, the biggest one being that he is alluded several times to it having been many years since he had a relationship lasting more than a few weeks or with any depth. Another being that he had said quite openly that he found emotional intensity quite uncomfortable.

    I am aware in hindsight he gave off “commitment phobe” vibes on many levels, but I also felt I was allowing him time /space to get to know each other slowly, and that it was him, not me, who was escalating things to become closer and I feel I treated him with a great deal of sensitivity and generosity so I feel very shocked and angry really that he could not simply send a text to say it was over.

    Actually he left me wondering quite seriously if he had been in an accident or was dead!

    #603214 Reply

    L

    Hi Sue

    Last year I was seeing a man who pretty much did the same thing to me. We were seeing each other for about a month and half and after a weekend away (him) I never heard from him. I kind of knew something was off during the last few days when he wasn’t texting like usual.

    I never reached out nor did I try to find out what happened. When I spoke to a friend about it she told me she knew he was going to do that. I asked her how did she know and she told me from all the things you told me about him he was “emotionally unavailable” but you ignored it. She was right….he told me several things that were obvious red flags…but we choose to ignore it thinking OK he is just being honest.

    Well I am glad it was only a month/half and I did enjoy my time with him…having him tell me he was no longer into it would have been better. However we learn and grow stronger from it…not all guys are that cowardly we just need to find the right guy.

    #603217 Reply

    Sue

    Thank you L. I am sorry this also happened to you, I agree it is good it was only a few months of dating and perhaps 10 or 11 dates and I also agree he was showing signs of emotional unavailability.

    I agree it is cowardly also. How long does it take to send a message to break up?!

    In this case I didn’t feel things were off in the last few days, if anything I felt we were finally progressing to a relationship -but maybe that is why he did it!!!

    #603220 Reply

    L

    Sue, that very well could be the case. I have read articles where men do steer away when they feel a “commitment” is happening. If that is the case then he is definitely an emotionally unavailable man but, that does not excuse his actions to disappear without saying a word. That is just common sense and having respect to “break” things off versus just disappearing.

    In my situation before he left on that trip we had a great time together as well. I too felt like things were moving along…at a slow but good pace. I also excused his not texting due to him being on a trip. I was very hurt at first because it is a slap to the ego and your left wondering did I do something wrong was I not good enough. However, like my friend said “I was too good for him” since his actions speak volumes of the type of person he is.

    You sent a text and he did not respond…IMO you did what you could to get an answer. Let it go and block him from contacting you. Whatever his reason is if you were to find out will not give him any credibility.

    #603223 Reply

    Ashley

    I don’t have any advice at the moment but so you know you’re not alone, Same thing just happened to me after a year of knowing him! Last time I spoke to him was Jan 4th. I’m in utter shock that he would ever do such a thing. I too thought something must have happened. I’ve dated some huge jerks before where looking back it was no surprise they ghosted, but this was a stand-up gentleman of a person. Everyone who knows him calls him the best guy they know. I am so shocked. Sorry don’t have any words of encouragement but I know how you feel to not expect it from a certain type of person. Sorry this happened to you 🙁

    #603224 Reply

    Sue

    I agree L it speaks volumes about someone’s character. Whatever the reason – they lost feelings, they got scared, they met someone else – a simple text or phonecall is about basic manners and empathy for someone else.

    He showed himself to be cowardly, selfish, uncaring, immature – all characteristics which make him not good enough for me.

    More than anything I am just shocked anyone would behave like that. Maybe you expect it from 21 or 22 year olds but he is a 45 year old well educated man from a warm family who has no excuse to behave disrespectfully to women.

    #603227 Reply

    Algo

    Ashley, were you dating him for a year or did you know him for a year and dating him less long?

    So sorry this is happening to you girls, sending my positive vibes to you. Sadly, there’s not much you can do about this sort of thing.

    #603228 Reply

    Ashley

    The worst part is the no message I mean it truly can take 15 seconds! Even if they don’t want to be specific they could say “I’ve decided I’d like to part ways” …Really, it’s infuriating & mind-boggling!

    #603240 Reply

    April

    I know how annoying this can be! I’ve been ghosted many times too but it’s partly my fault because I ignored the red flags but a decent and mature man would have the balls to honestly say it’s not working out anymore. View this on a different mindset…. one – he just showed what kind of a man he is.. thank the universe because you now know that you will never want to spend your time on him! Two – thank the universe this happened earlier instead of after a few years down the line which means it saved you from being deeply heartbroken. You’re now one step close to the right person for you! 🙂

    #603250 Reply

    Shannon

    Ghosting is disrespectful because it robs women of their voice. The same with a close ended text break up. Texting is a better way to end things because at least you’re not left hanging, but it still robs you of your ability to participate in a discussion about the breakup.

    Remember, when someone shows who they are, believe them.

    #603251 Reply

    L

    Ashley sorry that happened to you…a year of dating/knowing someone and for them to just stop communication is harsh.

    Have you tried reaching out? In this case an explanation is definitely deserved. That would be the definition of a true coward.

    #603252 Reply

    Shannon

    Ashley in some cases I’m a proponent of just letting the guy go and not wasting anymore energy. In this case, after a year, at the very least he deserves to be told off for ghostinh.

    It has struck me that ghosting is one of the very many ways that women are being silenced. On one hand I don’t think. We should waste our energy, but on the other hand we shouldn’t accept this kind of treatment.

    #603260 Reply

    Ashley

    Thank you ladies, sorry not to hijack the thread but this is what happened.

    He was on a trip, texting me the whole time being lovey-dovey, sending photos, telling me what he was doing etc. I was supposed to come over when he returned. As soon as he returned he seemed less enthusiastic but to me that was normal behavior upon getting back & having to catch up on things. He’s an extremely busy person plus he’s the type of guy who doesn’t talk when he’s busy. So that’s fine/normal to me. The last thing he said to me was “hey there whatcha doing” on Jan 4. I replied immediately. He didn’t open the message until 24 hours later. No response. Never heard from him again.

    I was worried something stressful happened in his life, like something happening to one of his businesses or something, so for a week I expected to hear from him any moment. How humiliated I felt when that moment never came!

    My best male friend encouraged me to send a text because not saying anything was making me feel worse, not better. I waited until it had been exactly a month of nothing from him.

    I said: I have to express my confusion. I feel really shocked that you’ve ignored me for a month – very rude & disrespectful. I’m at a loss to understand it. I haven’t the slightest idea why you would treat me with such disregard. I’ve been so patient & sweet. Telling me you changed your mind would’ve been sufficient courtesy.

    #603271 Reply

    L

    Ashley, that sounds very strange. I take it he never responded to your last text. At this point he may feel so embarrassed & stupid that hiding is the best option for him….how do you come back after a month and say “this is what happened”. The only excuse would be if something tragic happened but even with that a text takes less than a few seconds. The right thing would have been to say it when he came back.

    Shannon, I agree and I believe it was mentioned in another post that we should not just “accept” this behavior and should speak up and approach them about. Mimicking their behavior is normally what we do and we ignore them as well but we still over analyze trying to figure out what happened. Sometimes a person (bec women do it too) needs to be put in their place and being told that they’re actions are not acceptable is necessary.

    #603276 Reply

    Ashley

    I agree!

    #603287 Reply

    Nat

    Well, ladies, you are right. If you could make a ghoster feel worse for what he did this would be a fair game BUT. The worst thing for them would be when you ignore their ghosting. They would wonder how you took it, whether you were upset or not. They know you’d be upset but if you said nothing then maybe you weren’t THAT upset. I am of the opinion that 90% of ghosters WANT you to be upset. They are not “afraid” to send one short text. They are not afraid to “hurt your feelings” by telling you it is over. Every normal person knows that vanishing without a word is much more hurtful. They want you to be devastated. OVER them.

    So if you want to shed some burden off your shoulders text them how nasty they behaved (which they know perfectly well and would only receive a confirmation to how upset they got you) but if you want to make them feel bad then ignore their ghosting. A golden rule: do not double text or double message. Ever. if you got no reply, leave it at that.

    If you are dying to send something it should be like this: Hahahaha. I get it. You ended up being one of those ball-less jerks who “ghost” on a woman they’ve been seeing without a word. Classy! It is a surprise to be honest, I misjudged your character, but I so glad I got to find out who you are sooner than later. Have a nice life.

    The message should be funny and light hearted and sent 10-14 days after the fact. If you send it too early you’d look desperate, too late, he’d know you were waiting all this time and got hurt.

    #603295 Reply

    Sue

    I’m so sorry that happened to you Ashley.

    I agree with you Shannon, that while the dignified thing to do is to let it go and walk away it is also irritating that men get away with treating women in this way, and I agree silencing them.

    I also agree with Nat though that no one is “too scared” to send a text message. This man is very high up in the corporate world and deals with much more difficult situations than a break up with a woman he has been seeing a few months. He is not worried about looking like the bad guy either, because by ghosting you are being about as low as you can go.

    Yes, I agree with Nat, they WANT you to be upset.

    When you unravel it in a sensibly from the man’s perspective, it is one thing to “ghost” a woman you barely know or have met once or twice and did not feel attraction or connection with (cowardly and rude though) but to “ghost” someone you have been actually dating is another thing.

    You’ve spent your time on this woman. To disappear and teat her like she has no value whatsoever is also a bit like not valuing your own time.

    As I said, this man spoke to me every day for months, and put time and effort into dating me and spending time connecting with me. To do that for someone you cannot even muster a goodbye text to is a sing you don’t value yourself very much either!

    Insecurity is what breeds bad behaviour in people. If I want to stop dating someone, I simply tell them. If I am done with someone, it’s easy for me to spend 5 – 10 minutes thinking them for the time we spent together and giving closure. It’s healthy for me and for him. I can’t conceive it being “easier” on any level to ignore the person and just disappear.

    What is “easier” about that? It feels more like deliberately creating drama!

    #603298 Reply

    Ashley

    Sue, I agree with you completely! The whole not wanting drama thing on their end makes no sense because this creates drama! I too have never found it difficult to tell someone I’m done. Any time I’ve done it, I did it immediately, very quickly, very honestly. No drama whatsoever!! When you just tell someone what the deal is, no matter how much it may hurt, they can move on quickly because they then KNOW. When you know, you can accept it & move on fairly quickly. I am starting to think they must like this on some level because I could not stand to see someone wonder like that. I wouldn’t want them to waste their time pining over me.

    #603299 Reply

    Sue

    Exactly Ashley

    Having a polite 5 miniutes conversation or sending a brief text message is absolutely drama fee. Ghosting creates confusion, upset, anger etc. If the woman is the type to react badly to a breakup then surely she will react like a crazed bull to being ghosted!

    I also agree if I was done with someone, I would have no reason to want them to waste their time pining over me or feeling confused or upset or having damaged self esteem. I’d want them to move on in as pain free way as possible!

    I think Nat is absolutely right, and they want us to get upset and feel broken hearted “over them” and so the best thing to do is send one message to ascertain you have been genuinely ghosted and after that ignore them and never speak to them again.

    Maybe in a sense they are “getting away with it”, but at least they are not getting to satisfaction of realising they upset you.

    #603301 Reply

    Ashley

    Yes, I agree!

    #603324 Reply

    L

    Not sure if I agree that they want us to get upset.

    If we are in a state of shock that someone “ghosted” us like Ashley’s case more likely its because you thought he was a nice guy. The guy I was seeing was sincere, warm and very direct. I guess this is why it is harder for us to believe they would do it.

    IMO I think it is the all male avoiding confrontation and hurting your feelings…making you cry.

    I recently was on the other end as well being the one to break things off….it crossed my mind to just stop responding to his messages but I couldn’t do it. Even tho I was annoyed with him. So I did start distancing myself and he took notice. He asked me what was up…I said I had too much going on. A week later he asked me if he had done anything to make me mad at him and there is where I broke it all down for him. He still didn’t think he did anything wrong but the bottom line was “we were not a match and not on the same page”. I felt bad being honest since I knew it would hurt his feelings but I also felt relieved.

    I don’t see many men..being as honest as I was but the first time he asked I gave a lame reason. I was honest when he continued asking.

    Like Nat said sending one message to get an answer but not over do it.

    I agree that silence kind of gives the ghoster the idea of “well I guess she wasn’t that bothered”…but that would only work in the case where you were’t together very long (like in my case which was a month/half). If you were together for a year…he may also think OK well she wasn’t that bothered but at that point you deserve more respect than that and a reason.

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