Is it normal to start feeling insecure and question things after a few mths ?


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  • #361819 Reply
    Lylah

    I’ve been seeing a guy for 2.5months now. The first few weeks were intense, lots of cheeky texts and sexual tension and he chased me a few times a week to catch up. I wanted to get to know him so I took it slow, kept my days busy with my own life and kept dates to 1-2 rimes a week until I had worked out in my own mind if I was seriously interested in dating or not. One month in, he had to leave on a business trip to Italy. The night before he left was amazing, had dinner, connected. I spent the night. It just felt right.
    During his two weeks away he kept in regular contact and even sent me lovely good morning messages. I’ve never had that, thought it was sweet. This guy started to get under my skin lol. When he came back, we had a very passionate reunion. I raised during a dinner conversation a question asking him what he’s looking for in life, a woman and relationships in general. He mentioned he likes to take things slow and get to know that person as past history showed that sometimes you’re just not compatible, things fizzled out or became fwb. I made if clear I don’t do fwb. We never had the exclusivity talk tho as I believe a guy will let you know when he’s ready and it’s better that he choose you, not be forced to due to a talk.
    Continued dating 1-2 times week as he has a fairly busy wrk schedule with a lot of travel. However the last 2-3weeks he seems a little more distant than usual. He no longer “plans” dates, they’re usually spur of the moment that day or the day before. If I ask occasionally during the week would he be interested in doing something (I always have an activity in mind I raise), it’s a casual “yeah maybe x day if you like”. However, 9/10 times I let him initiate a date. He still texts to say good morning and we briefly talk every day during the week. Most of the dates are now dinner/lunches where we usually end up back at his place. Sex doesn’t always follow. Some times we just snuggle on the lounge and talk or watch a movie which I really like. The texts and compliments are less cheeky and fewer apart. He no longer invites me to sleepover.
    So… Now I’m thinking, is he still interested? Is it too early to ask where he’s at? Is he sleeping with other women? Do I wait longer before asking questions? I don’t wish to be the girl he’s just daring til something better comes along. I realise I’m becoming invested in this way more than he is now and it’s starting to do my head in! I’m starting to analyse things which then makes you seem needy. When I’m feeling like this, I usually take time out for myself to get past the emotion as I don’t want any negativity. Is this normal to go this bonkers? Lol Some advice would be great!

    #361836 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Lylah.

    It’s hard to say what’s he feeling, but in my experience if they’re really into you there’s no confusion, questions or guessing because HE’S pursuing pretty hard whether he’s busy or not. I don’t put energy into wishy-washy men and will pull back to see what he does. If he show’s little to no interest then its best to disengage completely because he’s not “feeling it’.

    If a man isn’t willing to give his freedom nor FEARS losing you to another man he won’t commit. Its never a good idea to date one guy exclusively because you’re acting like a GF before you are one. You should still ACT SINGLE and date other guys so you can keep the cool vibe going because YOU”RE looking at different options to CHOSE from. You should never accept dates on the fly and respond with, sorry I already made plans but don’t go into detail as a man needs to wonder what you’re up to—they LOVE mystery and intrigue :-)

    #361846 Reply
    Ivy

    One interesting thing that I noticed is that you asked him a direct question, if he is interested in a relationship at this time in his life and he did not really answer that question. I was expecting him to say yes, no, maybe, or I am not sure, but what he answered was a vague thing:

    “He mentioned he likes to take things slow and get to know that person as past history showed that sometimes you’re just not compatible, things fizzled out or became fwb.”

    I think at that point you should have said I like to take it slow and get to know someone as well. However, I am confused are you interested in a relationship with the right person or not?

    Personally, I think by him evading the question he might not be looking for a relationship at this time but didn’t want to tell you because then you wouldn’t like the answer. Also, his behaviors after you asked that seem to indicate that he isn’t pursuing you for a relationship.

    If you want to see him again I would just be direct and tell him that you are unsure as to his response and let him answer you. If he isn’t looking for a relationship, don’t stress out on why or try to blame yourself, just move on to a relationship ready man.

    #361952 Reply
    Lylah

    All I can say is THANK YOU to the two people who responded.
    I could only write so much in one posting. Yes he’s interested in finding a relationship, we have had other conversations. I’ve also shared with him I’d like to take it slow, get to know him. However I’ve jumped the gun. As Lane said, I AM treating him more like a bf than a potential partner or just a date. I’ve invested more. I get the feeling he’s still interested as he still initiates plans, contact, affection etc. but yes he is distancing himself because he can sense than I’m more invested and concerned on the outcome.
    So… I’m making positive changes :) I’ve signed up to an online dating site, figured I’ll see what other men are out there. Maybe I’ll learn a few new experiences! And it’ll help take the pressure off. I’m making plans again to catch up with friends, getting back into hobbies I love. Signed up to a photography class and a cooking class. Next is Zumba! Haha. Filling my time with things I enjoy. As for the guy I’ve been seeing? Yes, I still like him, that’s not going to change. But, think I’ll take a step back. Let him pursue me for a change.. Him to initiate dates. And if I already have plans, not to cancel them just for him. He can work around my schedule for a change. And to just enjoy the moment, not look and plan ahead, not sit and analyse everything… At least I think this is a positive start? If he’s still interested, then time will tell… If not, then I’m sure theres some other lucky guy out there.

    #361953 Reply
    Lane

    You go girl!

    Although online dating is OK, its more effort than tangible results so I would spend a larger part of your energy meeting guys in person. Meetup (should be in your local area) is a great way to fill up your calendar doing all kinds of fun stuff from social to adventure. Find ones that guys like to do such as hiking, biking, and single socials in your age group.

    Good luck!

    #362459 Reply
    Lylah

    So I have an update… Last few dates appeared to go well. I’d even been on a few dates with other people from the dating site I joined. Was looking at the dating site where it lists your new possible matches… And he has added a new profile.
    Sounds silly but should I ask him where he sees this going and be honest with me? Should I mention I saw his profile? Or just move on..?

    #362472 Reply
    Lylah

    To further add… Yeah it’s only been a week, we’ve had two great dates. He’s sent some very sweet good morning texts, no initiation from me. I guess although I know we’re not exclusive it’s still thrown me to see a dating profile and perhaps slightly upset because I have some feelings for him. I admit I’m more invested than he is and by reading this site that’s a dangerous position. I have made mistakes in occasionally organising dates, being easily available for dates, sometimes being overly flirtatious in text which can be a sign of neediness. I’ve also not been honest enough in my needs and wants and in communicating that from the start.

    I think I’m at the point where I can only move forward if we’re exclusive. Doesn’t mean a commitment but to see where things go without being romantically involved with someone else. I know this is meant to come naturally.. But if I continue down path I know I’ll destroy things more. I wear my emotions.

    Is it wrong to initiate the talk to ask how he feels and if he sees this May go somewhere? I’m prepared if he says no, it’ll suck but at least I’ll know. And if he says yes, is it wrong to state that I need exclusivity?

    #362480 Reply
    Shanell

    If it can bring you some sort of closure, then sure. Ask him if he is ready to be exclusive. I’m sure he’s expecting you to ask at some point. But please be prepared for an answer you may not like. Hopefully that will encourage you to not focus most of your attention on someone who isn’t quite ready for a relationship. Best of luck!

    #362482 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Lylah.

    DO NOT initiate the talk! This is why woman fail so badly because they try to PUSH IT before the guy’s even had a chance to decide if he wants to commit with you or not. Although men do know pretty quickly if you’re that lady, if you start getting SERIOUS, which having the TALK IS, then its a total BUZZ KILL and he will start retracting or pulling back. Men don’t like SERIOUS, they like the woman to be fun, relaxed, confident in herself, and not willing to put up with poor behavior or treatment.

    Just remain cool, be playful, have fun, relax and get to know each other better. The best way to do this is to continue to live your life as you normally do because a relationship should COMPLIMENT your already great life, not be the center of it. Slow down, put the brakes on, let him lead and if he hasn’t asked to commit after the 4th month, only THEN should you ask if its going anywhere because you have better things to do than wait around for a man to decide what he wants.

    #362489 Reply
    Sherri

    Lane, what if the guy wants to have the talk and you have not processed things yet?? I tend to date guys who tell me they are looking for a relationship but prefer to take things at a slow pace. And then 2 dates in, they are so into me that they want to know what I think about them, how I feel, want to have the talk etc. etc. What happened to taking things slow?? Are they just clingy guys wanting to jump into a relationship? Do I mostly only attract clingy guys or serious guys? This has happened to me a couple of times now. And this totally puts me into flight mode. When I look back I realise that if they had not had the “talk” and let things progress at a good enough slow pace, I may have been able to commit to them. They are great guys and would make great bfs/husbands but what is their rush?? Who are they racing against? Do guys have a bio clock too?

    Lylah – If I were you, I would only question this after 3 months. He could be like me and your talk could put him in flight mode …. but then again I only have sex after we have had the exclusivity talk so I am not questioning if he is sleeping with other girls. This boundary of mine is also for FWBs.

    #362495 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Sherri.

    That’s exactly what I’m talking about—being so serious so quick is a relationship KILLER and it will either cause flight or suffocate itself with so much serious talk.

    Dating and relationships should be about EXPLORATION—enjoying the time you spend together while also learning about one another. Having OCCASIONAL talks about what each wants or sees in the future, is fine, but it shouldn’t dominate it. I too have fled or had to reign in men who went way too fast because it takes a long time to really get to KNOW someone. Commitment is just a short step in a long journey of getting to really know one another to determine if you really are a good match.

    #362497 Reply
    Ivy

    I have to say that although it’s best for the man to initiate the talk, if you are having sex with him and you are not exclusive and you are getting mixed signals on his interest level, while you are falling more emotionally invested in him then you might be best to ask him if he sees the two of you as being exclusive in the near future.

    You can do a few things here:

    You can have fun, be playful, live in the moment and wait to talk to him.
    The pro is that you can date other men and you can see where things go with this guy and see if he steps it up or if you find someone you like better. The con is that you may get more emotionally invested during the time, you will be stressed to realize that while he is having fun with you and having sex, the next day or same day he is on the online dating site perhaps and you will always wonder who he is with. You may even not enjoy online dating because you will see him there as well.

    You can ask him directly that whereas you would like to continue to take it slow you are wondering if he thinks he could see the two of you being exclusive sometime in the near future as you think it’s easier to know someone when you are not multi-dating. The pro is that you his answer will tell you a lot about where he is at in the moment and what kind of communicator he is. The con is that you THINK you will scare him away by initiating this and if he isn’t interested enough in a relationship with you then it will. However, you don’t do youself any favor by sticking around having sex wtih him w/o exclusivity and secretly hoping he will fall in love with you.

    My friend said that when you are with the right man for you, then nothing you do or say will drive them away (within reason…lol). If you ask him in a way that is communicative, not pressuing, honest, and not judgemental then I truly believe that a relationship minded man (who thinks you might be the right fit for him) will not be scared away by that.

    Keep us posted on what you decide.

    #362501 Reply
    Ali

    If you saw his profile, you can bet he saw yours! I’d just leave it be and see what he does with it. It may be a wake up call that you’re not the only man he’s seeing and he may act and do something about it. But the fact its been a couple months now and he still feels like he needs to see what his options are, well that’s not a good sign and it’d definitely bug me.

    I’d continue to let him text you first and definitely continue seeing other guys. You deserve a man that knows what he wants and this guy seems like he just wants to play the field.

    #362580 Reply
    Lylah

    I’m not sure what I’m going to do just yet. We had arranged to catch up Friday night and I know it’s going to be on my mind. What’s worse is, I intimated this date. I know that by having the talk could very well possibly kill any potential that may still be there. There are signs he is pulling away. The flirting has dropped off, replies to the odd text take longer with other signals in person.

    I guess my concern is I have made the situation more complicated by being intimate with him. I can’t emotionally keep doing that. If I don’t ask where he’s at, is it ok to raise the point that if he’s no longer interested he just be honest and I’d do the same? I just hate when people string you along because they don’t wish to hurt your feelings. Or perhaps I should cancel Friday night? Play a little hard to get and go back to mirroring what he dies. Only reply to texts he initiates, don’t initiate dates and only accept dates that are planned.

    Lane, I understand exactly what you’re getting at. In fact thinking with my head logically I agree. Just finding it very hard now to play it casually? I’m sure it comes out in my body language… It’s not meant to be this hard and it’s draining me. It’s even affecting the other dates I’m on with other people.

    #362581 Reply
    Lylah

    Ps how do you navigate now the minefield of being intimate too early??

    #362585 Reply
    Lylah

    Pps.. The date Friday night is not concrete yet. He’s only said maybe Fruday you if you like.

    I know my posts are probably frustrating, and I do thank those who have given advice. It’s a big learning curve for me to get this dating process right

    #362587 Reply
    Juliette

    Hi Lylah,
    I think the key is not to change how you act around him. Go back to the fun, cheeky beginning you had. Keep your dates in public places where sex would be more challenging – that way you don’t have to specifically say ‘I’m not having sex with you again until we are BF/GF’. Don’t be any less affectionate or warm towards him. We choose to be with people who make us feel good. Complicated, awkward feeling situations are repelling to men and women both. Just get yourself into a warm, loving vibe and reflect that in your conversations with him and your time with him. In the meantime, don’t text him. Let him call or text you. But then be sure you reply to him kindly and warmly. Just my thoughts if you would still like to see if there is something to be had here.

    #362589 Reply
    Lane

    Bi Lylah.

    There’s no right or wrong time to have sex, but you do need to know that’s its a huge risk where he may run away afterwards and/or your hormones will run amok! I have found that if a man is far more into me, than I am him, it doesn’t matter if its the first time or 10th. However if find yourself attaching to men through sex, then obviously abstaining from it until you’re 100% positive he’s fallen in love with you would be a good course of action in the future.

    Believe it or not, but being hard to get is like kryptonite to men. There’s something about the challenge, working and earning a ladies attention and affection that keeps them on their toes. But it has to be with a man who digs you more than you do them, has put you on a pedestal, and can’t get you out of his head! When you meet this man, you’ll know because his intentions will be very clear early on and would continue to act the same way months, even years later.

    #362591 Reply
    Lylah

    Hi Juliette,

    Thanks for the advice, especially on handling the intimacy. I know I’ve done a lot of babbling in the last few posts. More of thinking aloud really. I’ve decided if he calls about Friday I’ll state that since he didn’t commit I made other plans.

    In the meantime, stick to my guns as hard as it may be. DO NOT initiate texts, MIRROR the effort he puts in, DO NOT initiate dates or the talk. If he starts responding back or showing more interest then I’ll know for sure without this washy washy stuff and me needing to know. It’s my insecurities and fear that needs that assurance. And keep dating others, maybe it’ll get easier?

    You ladies are right, don’t chase and if a guy is interested, we will know, no questions asked.

    #362592 Reply
    Lylah

    Thank you Lane, you have no idea how valuable I’ve found your advice to be!

    You’re right, I want a man that makes an effort, who pursues and wants me. Nit because I’ve forced something that may ultimately not even be the right match fir ME.

    #362596 Reply
    Lane

    Sorry, meant being TOO EASY TO GET is like kryptonite to men…

    If they’re into you and you make them work for it, they’re more apt to commit than a lady who does most of work and they do very little. The man should put in at least 100% of the effort during the first couple of months to but never let him go below 90% thereafter :-)

    #362603 Reply
    Lylah

    Exactly :) thank god for this forum! I would have lost my sanity in making the same mistakes again and again

    #362604 Reply
    Ivy

    In terms of this guy, if you do decide to talk to him I wouldn’t express it as you posted, if you aren’t interested…tell me. If you communicate with him then do so in a way that is open, I know it’s awkard cause I agree it’s early in the game for you but this is where you are at. The question I would ask about is if he is thinks dating exclusively would be something he sees in the near future. It’s not a very intense question and it’s not demanding either.

    You could also go on the date with him and see how it goes, if it doesn’t go well and he’s not showing too much interest then knowing he’s on his way out you could ask this question as a way of obtaining closure in person. If the date is going awesome then maybe see what happens after that date, what his actions and follow up are. If after an awesome date he goes back to being flaky and less receptive then you might be seeing that he’s not pursuing you enough, if he asks you out again though you could then talk to him in person because if that becomes a cycle then you will feel strung along and it will get harder as more time passes.

    Now that you know yourself better, next time around perhaps establish exclusivity prior to intimacy, or have a better idea of a man’s intentions with you prior to this. One article said if you bond through sex then make sure you know that a man cares about you and know his intentions prior to sex.

    Last, with the right guy I don’t think you will have to question so much of this and it when sex happens won’t matter. However, see what happens and use it as a learning experience for you regardless of the outcome. Most importantly, always chose yourself first. If asking a direct question to clarify a man’s intention is the difference between you being strung along and not then opt for that cause your time and heart are more important than feeling utterly confused about a guy that you are hoping falls in love with you.

    #362638 Reply
    Lylah

    Ivy,
    Thank you :) I’ve decided not to go in this particular date because a) I initiated and would be unsure of his interest level and b) my mindset needs readjusting so I need a bit of time for me. I’m not ruling out any future dates but it’ll be easier to judge where things may or may not be heading if he’s the one to initiate things in future. I’ll still be true to who I am.. I’m an affectionate and flirtatious person when in the right company. I just want to do this the right way so there’s not a single question of doubt. It’ll be tough keeping this mindset but I do see it as something I need to change in all my dating habits.

    Regardless if the outcome, I’m learning some valuable lessons and that’s what counts ???? I also like the way you phrased the exclusivity question so I’ll keep that in mind should things progress

    #362747 Reply
    Ivy

    Hi Lylah, Do what is best for you but if you initiated the date and then don’t go then you are now the one who is flaking out. I don’t think that is a good scenario and I don’t think you will gain anything.

    Are you so afraid of rejection that you can’t bear the thought of going on a date with a man unless you are absoltely sure of his interest?

    Are you flaking on the date because you are so afraid of asking him a direct question that you’d rather avoid it?

    Are you so afraid to go on a date unless you feel emotionally 100%?

    All of these are positions of weakness. How do you expect to sustain a mature relationship when you feel you need to flake on a date you initiated cause you need to get your emotions in check and need more certainty? How would a confident woman behave? Perhaps think a bit more and try to cut some drama.

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