Is he using me as an emotional crutch?

This guy is totally unhealthy. He was pushing for commitment and a “forever relationship” after 3-4 of dates? Don’t you see how unbalanced that is?

And Ewa is completely right. He dumped you for some other woman and then came crawling back. You should be offended, not flattered. And to top it off, when you agreed to meet up with him after that and made out with him, he told you he STILL was not sure! Why are you wasting your time with this guy? A man who is emotionally healthy and feels true potential with you would 1. take his time getting to know you at an appropriate pace (not rushing and pushing for lifetime commitment after 3-4 dates), 2. would never, ever tell you he “wasn’t sure” and throw you over for some other woman. A man who is healthy and truly feels something for you does not squander it.

It sounds like this guy should not be dating. It sucks that he’s out of work and going through a tough time. But when people are going through tough times, they should not be dating! They should be getting their lives in order so that they are healthy enough to date.

“My question is, I don’t know if this guy is genuine in his feelings. I’m quite confused about what to do in this case, because one part of me feels that he is a good guy going through a tough time in his life, but another part of me doesn’t believe he genuinely sees me as a long term partner. Is he just using me as an emotional crutch during this period of his life? Should I continue seeing him and possibly get emotionally invested once again?”

The guy is probably genuine and not screwing with you on purpose, but it doesn’t matter because he’s also a mess and not a good partner. I think that’s true regardless of whether he sees you as a long-term partner or not, which also doesn’t even matter in this case because he can’t follow through either way. So no, you shouldn’t continue to see him or emotionally invest in him again.

My boyfriend and I met similarly to how you did in your situation. Pandemic (early pandemic, so during even more uncertainty), distance, he’s had pandemic-related employment uncertainty, we waited a couple months to meet in person initially, etc. He’s the most solid, committed person, and we’re on track for milestones like getting engaged and moving in together later this year.

I’d have dropped him immediately if he acted anything like this guy you described, who sounds totally unstable. And I wouldn’t blame his issues on his job loss. Yes, that SUCKS, especially for a man who seeks identity in his career (which is a majority of them, so they can be providers and “winning” and feel respected). But totally falling apart to the extent he has already shows you how he deals with stress (poorly!!) and how he prioritizes others in both good and bad times. And how weak his sense of identity really is if he’s running back and forth between supportive women to make him feel better while admitting he’s not super capable of showing up right now and needs time yet also pressures you for serious commitment after a few dates… huh?

A man who is ready doesn’t go wishy-washy on you just because things aren’t all falling into place. A good man who is extremely down on his luck may share with you that he wants to slow down or wait until he feels his footing is more secure to move on to some next step, but he’d not only communicate this clearly, his words and actions would also then line up and he’d keep showing you you’re a priority and that you’re still moving forward together… not running off to test out the waters with another woman then running back to you.

Listen to the other posters and bail on this. You can do way better!!

Thank you for all the advice!

I went on one more date with guy last Friday after he found a new job and although it went better than the last time (I found that his mood improved a lot), it just didn’t feel right anymore. He was getting very handsy with me in the middle of a public park and all he seemed to want to do was “make out”. After all he’s put me through, I just didn’t feel secure in the relationship anymore and was just conflicted about whether I could genuinely trust the guy or not. So I decided to end it.

To give you guys more background info, I’m only 21 and he’s 28. This is actually my first time dating, so I’m pretty naive and innocent. This is the first time I’ve received such attention from a guy, so I was pretty enamoured with him at the start and to be honest, I’m still a bit sad/disappointed it didn’t work out. But at the end of the day, the hurt outweighed the possible benefits.

In addition to the actions detailed in my first post, he also called me by the wrong name TWICE on our third date and forgot my age on the third date after telling him multiple times previously. Understandably I was upset, so I talked to him about it. He insisted it was a genuine mistake and that I was overreacting and causing unnecessary drama. Even to this day, he still maintains that line of thought. And by the way, the name he called me on our third date is the name of the woman he left me for. But he insists that he didn’t know about her feelings at that time and they were just friends.

I think it’s pretty understandable why I don’t trust his words anymore and a part of me is glad that I don’t have to deal with this sh*t anymore, but there is also a bit of regret. Sometimes I can’t help thinking maybe if I seemed less cold and aloof during the beginning (I was nervous, as it’s my first time dating and didn’t want to get hurt) and expressed all my feelings then this would have turned out differently. I also did an immature thing at the start by unfriending him on FB because I jumped to the conclusion that he was thinking of his ex, when I shared with him a sad breakup song I really liked and after listening to it, he responded that he was feeling down and didn’t want to talk. He later explained that it was because he lost his job on that day and I apologized and explained why I reacted the way I did. After this incident, he would always tell me I’m immature and like to overthink.

For now, I don’t think I should jump into anything romantic at the moment to reflect on this experience and better myself. And I’m gonna stay off dating apps for a while and see if I can meet someone in person at uni or work. It wasn’t the happily ever after that I wanted. In fact, it was a pretty bad first dating experience, but there’s a lot of lessons that I can take away from it. And wish me luck on my next adventure :))

You trusted your instinct and ended it this time. Don’t start with second guessing instinct. You are young but responded in a mature way by responding instead of reacting. He sounds like he future faked, gas lighted, among other manipulative techniques. For goodness sake he called you the wrong name. Just block him and move on- good for you to avoid what could have been a very damaging first relationship. Some of us haven’t been that lucky.