Is he scared of me or not interested?


Home Forums Texting Advice Is he scared of me or not interested?

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  • #471233 Reply
    Tammy

    Sorry for a long post, in advance. Just to start off, I’m a successful woman in late 30’s, with plenty of confidence and some say, ok looks.

    I’m very easy going and upfront, but I tend to intimidate guys. I’m friends with all my ex’s and they’ve told me that i actually intimidated them at the beginning. I’m not a big “dater”, when I meet a guy, I tend to always date that guy for a long time. Recently I separated from man, we were together almost 9 years, but lost all the intimacy, so we both agreed that it was time to move on. Very painful, but I couldn’t live my life like that. I think intimacy is so important.

    So, I’m new to the dating world, again. I’m very selective, because I know what I like and want in a man, but I’m not a ball baster or a pain in the ass. HA I’m finding myself a bit confused now, because I’m big on being transparent and direct. I do like to be pursued, but sometimes I feel like it’s a waste of time. You like someone, great, enjoy each other, and no games. Just would be so much easier.

    So, now to my question. I met a man 3 weeks ago at a local lounge. Our connection was fast & effortless. Super good looking, funny, great conversation, charming…I thought, well, I would like to get to know him.
    He was a perfect gentlemen, wanted to come home with me, which is fine, didn’t happen. I gave him my number. He promised to reach out the next day…he did. Great flirty texts back and forth. Then asks me out that evening. I already had plans. I told him I will make sure we see each other on the weekend. He said: “Great.” I texted him the next day, asked him for drinks/beach/pool. Nothing back. I’m a pretty secure woman, so I go on with my day. Don’t think much of it. I texted him the next day, just with a question mark. Again nothing. I simply, let it go. Delete his number, because, let’s face it, he’s clearing not wanting to see me. Nothing personal.

    I don’t hear from him for a week or so, then I go back to that same place we met at (I go there almost every week, so it wasn’t unusual for me to be there, he however, told me that he never goes there). As I was saying goodbye to one of my friends, who do I see walk in? HIM. So I smile in disbelief of how interesting life is.
    I say to him: “So what happened?” with a smile, and he says: “Look, I know you’re all popular and I’m a younger guy, you just wanted to play me. I got your texts, but they didn’t say anything, there’s was no action suggested. I just don’t think you’re interested.” Well, my face froze. Because I wasn’t sure how more clear I could have been. BS. I told him I deleted his number. He kept asking me if I was mad at him and I said: “Why would I be mad? Confused, yes, but mad, not at all. You don’t owe me anything and we only met once.” So then he kept chasing me all night. Made sure I put his number into my phone, etc. I was there with friends and so was he. Needless to say, one thing led to another, I ended up taking him back to my place. If I like someone, sex is something very natural, I don’t really need 2 months to get to know someone. Plus being intimate is very important to a relationship, so if there’s no chemistry, why would I want to date that man? However, I don’t sleep with many men, I’ve been married twice, and had been in serious relationships, all lasting 6 years+. So the sex was great, we do have crazy chemistry. I dropped him back off after and we talked about seeing each other again. He said, if you want, text me when you get home. I did just that. And said I would like to do it again. And he said, yes, again and again. *Note: not really interested in anything serious right now.

    The next day, I texted him and told him I had his tshirt. He didn’t respond. Fine. I texted him a bit later, saying I want him. (Since he accused me of not being interested, I thought I would be a bit more feminine). Again nothing back. I don’t really read into things too much, so I texted him with a concrete plan for the weekend and asked him if it sounded good. Again, nothing until the end of the night, around midnight he texts: “Hey”.

    I got back to him the following evening with: “Not a fan of games. We both adults. I want you. You want me, make plans. Friday?” No response.

    I’m a bit confused now. When we were together, it was easy, effortless, fun. He said a lot of wonderful things. Again, I’m not looking for anything serious right now. I just don’t know what to say or do. He’s an idiot, because, we could just be enjoying each other’s company, without any drama. All he had to do, is be direct, say: Not interested, want something casual, or want to date you. I guess that would be too easy.

    Thoughts??

    #471237 Reply
    Maria

    Oh Tammy, what if a guy sent you this type of a message ““Not a fan of games. We both adults. I want you. You want me, make plans. Friday?”

    You are not even giving him a chance to start something romantic with you.

    Please be a little more subtle and more delicate. You texted him three times – overwhelming. if someone does not reply to our ONE text, why would we send another? This is just common social conduct. But in a sexual relationships, things are even more delicate. Guys penetrate us, not the other way around, whereas you were penetrating him, forgive me for this vulgar analogy.

    Now, do not explain yourself and for the love of God do not apologize, just let it be and wait. I am sure you’d run into him at the same lounge, if he does not contact you, and if you do, do not interrogate him, just take it easy and LEAVE without sleeping him, even if he apologizes. Be a little unavailable, please. Allow him to develop desire for you, to want you. He is a guy, he needs it physically and emotionally.

    #471241 Reply
    Tammy

    Thanks Maria. I really appreciate the advice.

    #471245 Reply
    Khadija

    Tammy,
    My dear I think you are far too aggressive. I understand you are a grown woman and you aren’t looking for anything but, you need to let the man come to you.

    Too much texting, after the first non response I saw no reason to keep texting.

    Then you confronted him at the lounge only to take him home for sex. Slow down a bit please.

    #471251 Reply
    kaye

    There are some really great articles out there about masculine vs. feminine energy. You should read some. You obviously took on the masculine role, pursing him, asking him out, telling him you wanted him and wanting to meet up. That turns most men off. Even shy guys will get turned off by a woman who is too forward because they take that to mean she’s desperate. You told him you weren’t interested in serious, you slept with him and then the very next day you’re trying to see him again and make plans for the weekend? Just stop it!! Way too much too fast! You were overwhelming this guy with your pursuit, and your multiple text messages. Let a guy come to you. Don’t take on the masculine role or you’re never going to know just how interested the guy is. And you’ll end up in this situation time and time again.

    #471256 Reply
    Tammy

    I never was in this situation before actually and had great relationships. I just don’t like games. And I’m open about it. If a guy doesn’t play games, then things run smooth. Not that I try to control things, I respect people and their time. If someone texts you, you get back to them. It’s that simple. But I appreciate your responses and advise. I will certainly take a look at my approach next time. It’s just that this a first. Thanks!

    #471257 Reply
    Jules

    I agree with the other Tammy. While I appreciate you’re “no nonsense” attitude I couldn’t help but read your post and think, “who’s the man here?” You’re doing ALL of the pursuing. After he sent the initial text making contact you just took over. I also think this man is probably just looking for sex. I mean he tried to take you home the first night you met, then ignored your request to get together for dates. By chance you see him again at the bar and he blames YOU for his not following through and still gets his way, sex at the end of the night.

    You said…
    “I do like to be pursued, but sometimes I feel like it’s a waste of time. You like someone, great, enjoy each other, and no games. Just would be so much easier.”

    While I agree it would be easier, its just not the way things work. I have tried to do that where I’m completely upfront about my feelings and it’s always blown up in my face. Dating is a dance of sorts, you have to be willing to learn and follow the steps.

    #471259 Reply
    hannah

    I agree with the ladies here. I think the approach was a bit masculine and aggressive. Men like to take the lead and feel like the man in any relationship, even just casual. Think of it like dancing. Only one person can lead and if It’s you, where does that leave him? It’s not about playing games, it’s about responding to the needs f the other person and finding a balance between you.

    #471260 Reply
    Tammy

    Hi Jules, well, it has worked for me thus far. And I have very good men in my life. It’s not that I cannot find a guy. I guess the dating game has changed. I never had to play the game, the men were always transparent. Perhaps this was a wrong person, but I of course will keep all your advise in mind and ease off in the future. I know for one thing, I will always stay true to myself. It has taken me years to overcome any insecurities. Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

    #471267 Reply
    Tammy

    Thanks Hannah.

    #471285 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Yes, the dating scene has changed with online dating and especially the advent of social media.

    Easy, no strings sex is readily available. Men can get it almost anywhere. I’d be willing to bet this guy is sleeping with others, and just hitting you up when she (or multiple she’s)aren’t available.

    He certainly isn’t acting very interested, and that is all I would need to know, personally.

    If he can get no fuss sex from you and isn’t responding..well what does that say?

    I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, but I would not be reaching out to this guy at all.

    #471286 Reply
    Phillygirl

    And I still believe most worthwhile men like to feel masculine. Pursuing is masculine, and detracts from your femininity when too aggressive. You barely know him.

    I, personally, won’t pursue any man. And I am very independent. There are plenty of ways to use your feminine charms to get them interested and take action. I’m not telling you not to be who you are, but after the ego boost, many men find it unattractive when a women pushes like this.

    #471288 Reply
    Tammy

    Thanks so much Phillygirl. Appreciate your reply.

    #471302 Reply
    hannah

    I do think Jules has a point that this could be more about him being only after sex more than anything about the approach.

    #471308 Reply
    Tammy

    Oh I believe in that completely Hannah & Jules, and I would be ok with that. So perhaps he thought I wanted to date him. Oh well. I will just let this be. It’s funny we have a few mutual friends, and I ran into one the other day, and he said, I think our boy is in love. So I really don’t know who to believe. Anyway, thank you for chatting with me. He is actually a very nice guy, and we got along like house on fire. I guess I was too aggressive with the whole thing and tried to force things. Lesson learned.

    #479723 Reply
    Rose

    You’re not letting this kid be a man. He’s already immature and then you overwhelm him with non stop texting.

    The key to men is to let them feel like men.

    If we become the chaser they will run away.

    #479725 Reply
    Rose

    Even for casual sex, you have to let them come to you.

    #534604 Reply
    bebop-a-lula

    You are on to something with “…he blames YOU for his not following through and still gets his way, sex at the end of the night.” This is textbook passive-aggressive behavior!
    Tammy, be careful, and set assertive boundaries! When you accomodate his behavior, you are giving him a means of projecting his own insecurities onto you, along with a means to hurt you.

    #534607 Reply
    Vanessa

    This is MONTH’S OLD POST

    #560396 Reply
    mary

    we started dating a year ago.he was sweet n attentive towards me even he kept saying he has not fallen with any girl after his ex(they broke up 4years ago).he got a job outside of our city,so we agreed to continue on ldr.it was fine at first but a couples of months ago,he started driffting away,and when I talk to him he said he was just busy and even though he doesn’t know he loves me or not he said he doesn’t want to lose me and he never picks up a fight,he says he’s scared when I’m mad at him

    #570887 Reply
    sanny

    He has been helpful to me through my works.he doesn’t have parents he is all alone he is friendly to me and even send me chats we always chat he is open but shy guy now I have developed his love I sometimes feel guilty about replying his chat I actually don’t know if he loves me or just want to be friend with me even on Twitter he is the first to like and comment I think he want me to have great future that’s all

    #570906 Reply
    Anna

    If a guy isn’t asking you out, he’s not interested. Men don’t get scared of women. They’re not baby mice, they’re grown adults. Men say women are intimidating when they mean the woman acts like a man – aggressive, overly assertive, competitive and just generally gives off a masculine vibe. This is common these days with so many women being successful in their careers. The trick is to highlight your feminine side and get in touch with that for dating purposes.

    Anyway forget this guy, he sounds lazy and like a wimp. He’s the man, it’s up to him to ask you out not the other way around. And going forward, don’t waste your time and energy worrying about why a guy who isn’t asking you out isn’t pulling the trigger.

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