Is he really interested?


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  • #368997 Reply
    Bewildered

    I would first like to say that I have learnt so much from this site and I can already see it has helped me a great deal in my dating life so far. I am taking all advises given to heart and applying them as I deal with men, some serious to a certain extent, and some I am clear on moving on from. However, I am currently dealing with this one that I do actually like and enjoy his company. We have been dating for about 4-5 weeks and yes, we have gotten to where we slept with each other after the 4th date or so. I was clear from the start that I am not jumping in the sack and would rather he really get to know me as a person/individual. Amazingly, he respected that very much and continued to ask me out, sometimes to his place and sometimes he comes over to my place. We will have dinner, wine, and watch a show. Then he/I leave each other with a kiss goodnight. Sounds great so far?

    Here’s the twist. After we started sleeping with each other, where I can sense his passion with me, kissing me all the time, on my forehead or passionately on the lips (french kissing), he will then ramble things like you can continue to see other people. He is also looking at having surgery soon and said that the plans he had with a family member to be there and assist him for at least 2 weeks have fallen through. I then said, “well, let me know if there is anything I can do to assist during your ordeal.” He says, well, I am still on the dating site (where we met) and perhaps before then, he will find someone willing to commit to him. RED FLAG!

    Anyway, I started withdrawing from him, I don’t text/call him like I used. No more good mornings or how was your day, which when I do, he is responsive. When I don’t text/call, he does. So after I started withdrawing, I can see he was going out of his way to text and check on me. I will respond very simply and end with: “Thanks for asking.” He still hears nothing from me. So at night, he texts me with my first name only. I ignore the text. In the morning, my response to that was simply: ‘Morning”. He responds: “Morning”. That evening, he texts me to ask if I am mad at him or something. I said: “Not at all.” He responds, OK. Just making sure. Here’s the kicker: At this point, I call him and ask how he is doing? He brings up my lack of communication and I make clear that he has been unequivocally clear about us and so I am backing off of him and keeping my options open. I can tell he started to swallow and clearing his throat. He wasn’t too comfortable with that response. He then goes on to say, I like you. I want to see you. I want us to go out to dinner and some wine. Let’s do something special like regular folks. I laughed and said: What do you mean by regular folks? He says, where a man takes his lady out to a special place for dinner and enjoy sometime with her. I said: “Oookaay – trying not to sound too enthusiastic. But in the end, he told me, whether is weekday or not, he misses me, wants to see me tomorrow, will be sure to get off work early for us to meet. He then goes on to say how comfortable and peaceful he feels when I am with him. He says he just likes it so much when I am around him. We end the call.

    An hour or so after, he texts me to say: Just so you know and so there is no misunderstanding. I like you a lot.

    I responded with: That makes me feel good. Thank you and I appreciate you a lot. Then he jokes to say: And you do snore but thats ok. I respond with: LOL!!! Well I do when I am really tired. This ends the conversation.

    We are supposed to meet up today. But I really need your take on these developments and to see your views on this. Please let me know if you think this is something I should be open to for now and see where it goes or is he just trying to keep me around perhaps for sex or what really.

    I appreciate all the responses and feedback I can get on this. Thank you in advance.

    #369000 Reply
    yams

    I don’t have any advice per se but all I can say is you have played it brilliantly up till now. Well done

    #369002 Reply
    Gigi rose

    Sounds like when he brought up being on the dating site, he was hoping to start a convo about comiting to u. Totally miscommunication I believe

    #369007 Reply
    Harley

    This could go either way imo. He’s putting SOME effort in now…but only because you shamed/forced him into it I think.time will tell whether he changes his tune and keeps this up. You HAVE played it brilliantly. I would continue to do so….or gaps be a Bit warmer and receptive. I would put him on probation and monitor his behaviour for a month.its only been 1 month. ..far too early to have him committed to you. Relax a bit too. If I wee you I’d date others and not rely on him so much. Guys do not want to get tied down after only 5 weeks.

    #369008 Reply
    Harley

    Or gaps….meant perhaps

    #369014 Reply
    Bewildered

    Thank you ladies for the insight. I appreciate all of you very much. I agree with Harley to put him in probation and to see if he keeps up. Meanwhile, I do have my options open and if all fails, I will be good to move on. We’ll see. Will keep you updated so that others can also take something away from this experience. Thanks.

    #369015 Reply
    Sassperilla

    I agree, it sounds like you have got it on point. I would let him wine and dine you but pull back on the physical stuff. It’s early days but he’s obviously interested – he even put that in writing for you!

    #369188 Reply
    Bewildered

    UPDATE:
    So he came by, picked me up and we went out, got dinner. Then he bought drinks and we retreated over to my place near by. He is working the next day early so we were just up to chatting, a little tv, and he was very touchy. He kissed me on my lips, on my forehead when I am near him, and just hugs me. He then says: I like you a lot. He asks me: Do you like me and why? I said: I do like you and it is this thing I feel that I just don’t feel with anyone. So yes, I like you. He then kisses me on the forehead and on the lips. I said: Hey, listen, if anything at all, at the end of all of this, I know I made a good friend. He then says: I don’t know but the more time I spend with you the more and more I like you. Then we continued to watch a comedy, laughed and chit chatted a bit. He then had to get ready to go as he explained his day the next day. He kissed me goodnight and off he went.

    I am feeling relaxed about this so far and don’t want to rush him into anything. In the end, I would just rather we go with the flow.

    Just thought to let you all know how things have progressed thus far. :-)

    #369307 Reply
    LAgirl

    Bewildered.
    I agree with Harley. It can go either way and I don’t like the fact he asked you if you liked him and why. You showed your cards and now he has the upper hand.

    You overreacted with him. Dating 4 to 5 weeks is nothing and he has every right to keep dating and so should you until he locks you down.

    While you played aloof to bet him to chase, you now showed your hand about how much you like him. So let’s see how that plays out.

    A man may not sant to get serious with you, but he also won’t want u to get away if you like him and he can have you as an option.

    Keep your guard up and don’t start acting like a gf until he makes you one.

    I know he said he likes you, and that’s fine. But we all know words mean nothing from a man unless he backs it up with actions.

    #369372 Reply
    Bewildered

    Gigi Rose, Yams and Sass – I BLEW IT!

    LAgirl and Harley: You are both correct in that once he realized I liked him (even though I said so because he asked me), he has now sort of distanced himself. After that evening, I text him to see if he made it home safe. He replied: Yes. Goodnight darling (never called me darling before). I said: Good. Goodnight dear. Next morning, I text him to say: Good morning. Stay positive. He replied: Good morning (my first name). Have a great day.

    Usually, at the end of his day, he will text/call me which he did not do yesterday. I too, did not text or call him. I am also not texting him a good morning text today. I am sort of done with this. I only want a guy who wants me in his world as much as I want him in mine. He has not opened up to me yet or told me anything personal to him for me to feel we are building a companionship. I have let him a bit in mine to see if he would do the same to no avail.

    All I ask for now, is advise on how to let him know that I am keeping my options open without hurting him or making him feel I am doing so because I am not getting attention from him? Point is, I am doing this because my deep feeling is, I am merely a choice to him, to enjoy time with when he doesn’t have another. Can you share thoughts of how you have informed such person gently of how you will be moving right along and in the meantime, we can just remain friends (no benefits)? Please advise. Thank you all for responding.

    #369373 Reply
    Harley

    It’s only been a day of no contact. Am I missing something here ??? What is your problem ??? Do you need constant attention and validation ??? It’s been 4 or 5 weeks. Give the guy a chance. I find your thinking completely unreasonable.

    I am bewildered….by you.

    #369376 Reply
    *Amber*

    Bewildered,

    I don’t think you need to have a conversation with him to “let him know” anything. Book dates with other men, keep your schedule busy, do not be readily available. You can slowly disengage. Men do it to us all the time! No big deal.

    If you start doing the “slow fade” he could totally step up and realize he wants you in his life. Or, he could continue making only enough of an effort to get you back into bed/have you admit feelings for him. My advice would be not to sleep with him or discuss your feelings again while you’re pulling back a bit. This will give you the chance to see what his real interest level is.

    You seem less Bewildered than Bad*ss in this situation. I, for one, am inspired! :)

    #369381 Reply
    *Amber*

    Actually, I didn’t realize it had only been really one day of diminished contact on his part till I read your post Harley. So, yeah, keep it cool for now. Don’t stress. Just see how he acts over the next couple of weeks. You’re doing fine, just try not to show him all your cards again.

    #369383 Reply
    Jojo

    Honestly my opinion is yes there is a period of dating and getting to know someone before you commit but it shouldn’t be this hard. By that I mean the games, the ignoring you then the ‘oh actually I like you’. The daft pointless texts to keep you hanging and to see if you’ll respond to stroke their ego. Then when you disclose some feelings the massive pull back. Decent men don’t mess about like this. Yes they might date others at the start (although that seems to be more an american rather than UK thing) but they should be respectful and not put you in positions where you feel like this. Sorry if I sound harsh but really dating should be fun not an emotional chore. I would move on.

    #369386 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Belwildered.

    Stop measuring his interest level by the amount of texts,—this is the WORST measurement or bar to establish as it will drive you crazy, like it is now.

    Step back and let HIM lead. Stop trying to over analyze everything as it needs to develop organically by the man asking you out and SPENDING time with you as this is how men truly bond, not by sex or text. Trust me, a guy needs to like you far more than you like him for it to evolve into anything meaningful—If he’s not putting in any effort, then neither should you.

    Look at dating this way: The PRIZE (you) doesn’t run in the race! Nope, the PRIZE watches the competitors to see who’s trying their hardest to win you over and YOU CHOSE which one does :-)

    #369391 Reply
    Bewildered

    Thank you ladies for the sound advices you have provided on here. Harley – I am sorry for bewildering you in my dilemma. The only reason the one day no contact from him is strange is because it is NOT the norm between us. He has managed to make sure we are in touch daily, especially by the end of each day. This is the one time this has not happened and I was blaming myself for letting him know I liked him when he asked. I should have been a bit smarter about my response. Hence, the reason I said I BLEW IT. I am taking you advises seriously and will just sit back and see what takes from hereon out. And I am definitely not initiating any contact. I am the PRIZE and will remain so. :-) Thanks again. You are all very wonderful and real.

    #369395 Reply
    Harley

    Guys. Can’t keep up constant contact. It naturally slows down. …fir days at a time. Wait it out . I bet he’ll be in touch.

    #369563 Reply
    Bewildered

    Hello ladies and looks like I am sorta on point about my feelings. Last contact has been Wednesday (text in the am in response to mine) and nothing thereafter. I have not texted either and hoping now that he just fades away. Why? Because I am already feeling awkward should he try to contact me. Won’t know what to say. He is still active on the dating site and so am I. So why bother? It’s simple: If he liked me enough, he will go out of his way to make contact. If he is so so on the fence, then it won’t really bother him much that i have not contacted him either. Sounds like so far, we are on even grounds. Just thought to keep everyone on the loop. As always, thank for any input and advise. Hope you are having a marvelous weekend.

    #369564 Reply
    LAgirl

    I’m sorry bewildered…

    I am not sure he was ever available. He told you early on he would be fine if you saw other men.. That is not the sign of a man who sees a future with you.

    When you told him you had feelings for him like no one else, he pulled back. When a man senses you are way into him, and he isn’t feeling the same back, he will fade or pull away.

    Men learn pretty quickly through experience that women tend to fall after having sex. My guess is that he sensed it, and then by asking you how much you liked him, you verified his concern.

    I would fade away myself, if I were you.

    You’ll find the man who really wants to win you over…

    #369756 Reply
    Bewildered

    Just checking to see if I am doing right so far…

    So as advised, I completely left this guy alone from whom I did not hear from (text/call) since my good morning text to him Wednesday. So I am going about my business and on Saturday night, as I was getting ready to out with friends and a guy who I dated sometime back, he texts me to ask if my son’s car has been fixed. I don’t respond. When I returned from my outing Saturday, 12:45 AM, I sent him a response to say: Hey, just getting in from watching the game with friends and no, won’t receive the car back until next week. I went to sleep. Sunday, I and the guy I dated sometime back wanted us to go out to the mountains and spend the day. He said he will pick me up at 9:30 AM. He did and it was a great day. I return around 6:30 PM and here he is again, with a text simply my first name. I said Yes (his first name). He asked how my day was today. Did I do anything. I responded letting him know I had a great day at the mountains, enjoyed the festival they had. He says: Ohhh..sounds like that was fun. I confirm saying: Yeah, it was. He asks: Did they have beer? I said: Absolutely, all kinds. This was the end of our texting as of last night. He said nothing more nor did I.

    I am merely trying to learn from this experience and asking you knowledgeable ladies or gents (if any) to contribute to my quest for knowledge. What do you think he is thinking at this point? What message or vibes could I have possibly sent out? Please note that I am no longer caught up with this guy but really trying to learn from this experience. So anything you tell me will be taken with an open heart.

    Thank you all. I look forward to hearing from you.

    #369761 Reply
    Ali

    From my previous experiences, as soon as things start to get confusing and you find yourself second guessing his intentions and having to play games like this, it’s already over. When a guy is into you, you know it. There may not be constant texting, but there will be consistent dates. If you aren’t having a higher number of dates by now, I’d cut my losses and delete his number. With the right guy, there will be less drama. You’ll know through his actions that he’s into you

    #369764 Reply
    LAgirl

    I agree with Ali.

    What is the point of wondering or mind reading.

    Look up the term e tethering. That’s likely what he is doing. Keeping in touch just enough to stay in touch but not putting any effort into actually having a relationship with you.

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