Is he in love, introverted, or uniterested??


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  • #438278 Reply
    Aries84

    I met a fellow from online a little over 2 months ago. We have only met up about 5 times because he travels a lot for work, but I would average that we see each other about once a week (considering the amount of time he’s away). I’m so confused as to what is the dynamic between us. He doesn’t communicate much outside of face to face interactions (which I just found out that he. Doesn’t like to text/talk on the phone for lengths of time), but he is very attentive in person. I am usually the initiator for going out and sending messages, but he always responds right away and he has and has always given me an enthusiastic response when I sugggest a meeting up. He never tried putting the moves on me, stays very respectful and gentleman like… We’ve only had very sensual make out sessions, he’s not tried to get in my pants or even push the limits, he only goes as far as I lead. But I’m still feeling like I’m not sure if he really has invested interest, or if I’m just a past time thing. I think why I feel this way is because he doesn’t initiate much, and he hasn’t asked me much to to try to get to know me more (in my opinion) but then sometimes I get the feeling that he is an introverted guy. He’s told me in the past that he likes me, but in the same breath he also said that he’s not looking for a relationship.

    Could he possibly be that he enjoys my company but isn’t interested in getting more serious? I’m definitely not trying to rush things, but I don’t want to waste my time with a fellow who woudlnt consider a future with me. I’ve been with a guy in the past where this was the case. We got along great and were good friends and highly attracted to etoach other, but we never made it to being “official” (sex wasn’t the issue here either). I think it was our lifestyle differences that kept us from being that.

    I’m new to dating because I came from a very long term relationship so I am a novice too all of this. Can their feelings change?? It did with my ex,heretold me early in our relationship that he wouldn’t ever want to get married but 4 years later we were married because HE wanted to marry me (I never brought up marriage ever). I’m so confused!!

    #438284 Reply
    Aries84

    Apologies for the typos! I am educated, my phone just likes to make me look like an idiot sometimes lol

    #438288 Reply
    EM

    I am an introvert, but when I am with someone I really line, I try to get to know them because I am very curious about them. Stop initiating meet ups with him. When guys say that they do not want a relationship, they mean that they don’t want a relationship with you or see a future with you. They just say that they are not looking for a relationship to soften the blow. I am sorry but this is the harsh truth. Do not invest anymore in this guys. Move on and date other guys who are open to a relationship.

    #438305 Reply
    Aries84

    Thanks EM that sounds like pretty sound advice.

    I guess I am just having a hard time trying to wrap my head around as to why he wouldn’t want a relationship with me. Attraction isn’t the issue, and I have a lot going for me (a career, great personality, in shape, Classy, kindhearted person). I’m no basic chick! But whatever. It must be a superficial personal preference thing.

    #438309 Reply
    sarita

    Choose someone lesser than you – uglier poorer less educated. He must be doing well too like your equal or something, thats why he doesnt want a relationship.

    #438310 Reply
    sarita

    Choose someone lesser than you – uglier poorer less educated. He must be doing well too like your equal or something, thats why he doesnt want a relationship.

    #438314 Reply
    Ciara

    If he says he doesn’t want a relationship – believe him! He’s not initiating, pursuing or chasing you, he doesn’t want to get to know you more from what you’re saying. I wouldn’t waste anymore of your time on him, let him go and move on because here is someone so much better for you out there!

    #438319 Reply
    sarita

    But full points for his honesty and gentlemanly behaviour. Keep him as a platonic friend. Why view any man who comes along as boyfriend/ marriage material? Why try to get every man into a relationship? Its not correct.

    #438321 Reply
    Amy S

    Hi I think what you have is a friend here really. Im sure he would happily continue in this dynamic as he is having some fun without any real effort or commitment. Its up to you to decide if this is enough for you or not, hes not going to change by the sounds of it. x

    #438322 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Hi Aries,

    You can be all that and a bag of chips but if the chemistry is not there for him it is not there….it can be for you but not for him.

    You are the best thing since sliced bread but if he is blinded to your charms then he is blinded…you cannot make him see what God has hidden from him.

    I do believe that when it is right it is right…two people are on a special wavelength that only they can hear…a certain tuning…a vibration….a cosmos thingy.

    He is not meant for you – that is good since that is one less to think about…save yourself for the vibration on both sides…it will be worth it.

    #438399 Reply
    Aries84

    I’d LOVE to know how to stop attracting these type of men. It’s very frustrating! Seems like I attract really gorgeous men who I get along great with, but when they find out how cool/chill I am there is like an invisible shield that keeps them from really opening up to a more romantic connection. But I also get guys who are way too eager, and I don’t like that because I feel like we woulnt be friends outside of them wanting to get to know me because they wanted to get with me.

    #438402 Reply
    Aries84

    Btw I’m ceasing communication with this guy. Going to go completely ghost. Unless there is another way to handle the situation? Funny I am currently feeling the anxieties that come with ending a relationship with someone I’m not even in a relationship with lol!

    #438434 Reply
    Ixtapa

    Hi Aries84,

    Don’t know what to say but I feel for you. I was exactly on the same boat when I was in my mid-20’s. However, redcurlysue is 100% correct that when it’s right, it’s right. When I met my late husband (he passed last April 2014), everything just felt effortless. No anxieties, no wondering how he feels about me, no games, no nothing. I met him in 1991, we married in 1998 and he treated me exactly the same as when we met for the last 24 years I’d known him. He was the most consistent person I have ever known. Always on and he never changed. So, based on that experience, as a widower my standards will always be based on that and I don’t care what anybody says, when it is right, it’s just right. You will never wonder or get on sites like this and ask questions like you have. You are way more than enough for the right man out there who is the right one for you. Keep you head high and never settle for anything less.

    Now, I must have been one of the luckiest women out there because I am actually dating two wonderful men who meets my standards. Everything feels right. Even the long distance one feels right. I never doubt or have anxieties about his intentions and feelings for me. It’s been 3 1/2 months and he’s still texts and calls at the same rate and has already told me he wants a serious relationship and distance is not an obstacle. I believe him because I am the same way about life, nothing is impossible to me if I put my mind to it.

    Good luck and keep your values and beliefs close to your heart because you are awesome and there is a man out there who is the right one for you.

    #438435 Reply
    Karem

    Hi Aries84,
    When we like someone so much, we take everything personal.
    I am passing for the same -kind of situation- like you do. With some little differences. I wrote a post about it on this forum this week too.
    It SUCKS! when you like someone so much and the other person doesn’t respond according with your expectations. It is our EGO messing around in our heads.
    I think it doesn’t depends on how wonderful or successful you could be. I am a professional woman , with two bachelors degree,
    an MBA, attractive, in very good shape, well educated, a good person, have my own house, etc etc.
    I am as well trying to understand that chemistry is not based on what great you are as a person. You may be a very good person, and have many good qualities. But chemistry is not about that.

    redcurleysue is right as well, “when it is right it is right.. two people are on a special wavelength.. a cosmos thing”
    Maybe you both are not in the same tuning at this moment. Or he didn’t have the time yet to discover any feelings about you because you are doing all the job!! (As I did). You didn’t give him the chance yet.

    I am totally in the same page you are right now. I am trying to move on from the guy. Being a ghost and trying to MOVE ON but how difficult is sometimes.
    Hi Aries84,

    I think only the time can help you. Try to be distracted with your life and who knows try to meet new guys to have a different perspective or at least they can help you to be distracted meanwhile.

    #438437 Reply
    Ixtapa

    The second guy I am dating is local. He is also wonderful. When a man is into you, he will initiate texts, calls, and plan dates ahead of time. Tonight is out 8th date. Our first was May 29th. He called me the very next day after our date and asked for another date. He has asked to see me 2x a week now since past two weeks. A real genuine gentlemen. Financially stable, tall, and handsome. Opens doors, car doors, calls ahead of time to plan dates. Gave me flowers on our 3rd date. His consistency and good manners remind me of my husband. Again, feels right.

    #438438 Reply
    Ixtapa

    @Karem

    You are so right, Karem. Your great qualities are not the issue when the guy you like does not feel the same way as you. I also believe that when this happens, God whatever form HE is to you is actually sparing you from heartache and pain – that is, granted you listen or observe right away and walk away immediately when it feels off. That’s what save me and my sister from being with bad relationships. We never had one or been in a bad relationship because when it feels off, we walk away or run away as possible from those types of men. I think we all have a built in mechanism to know when a certain person or situation doesn’t feel right but sometimes our emotions get in the way and we can’t see the danger clearly.

    #438445 Reply
    Aries84

    Those are such great perspectives Ixtapa and Karem. Thank you for that.

    I’ve only been in 2 “relationships” ever in life, and I’m in my 30s! My last one put a ring on it early lol, so I need to hear different perspectives to get a good sense of what my emotions and hormones are blinding me from. Ha!

    Its hard to walk away from this one as he is the first guy I really liked since after my marriage. But I have to admit that it has felt like work on my end at some times. Thats how it was for my first “relationship”, the one I felt deeply for but we just never made it. I ended up hurt from that situation at first, he ended getting with someone that defintely couldn’t compare to my qualities and values, so I became hurt because of that. Later that guy came back with a vengeance, telling me that he really loved me and I was the one who got away but by then I was well over it.

    My ex husband was the opposite. He said and did all the right things at first, but soon after we were engaged he did a 180 on me and left me so neglected of love, for no reason other than he “knew I was a good one so he had to take me off the market” (his words). So I am trying to be careful now, but these two extremes are my only experiences and I almost feel like I may have been happier with guy #1 after he came around. But who knows! Hence my confusion and hesitation to cut current guy off. I hope he genuinely comes around, or better yet someone better come along. :(

    #438458 Reply
    Ixtapa

    @Aries84

    The right one will come along. Trust the circumstances around you, trust what’s happening, take it all in. It’s hard to clearly see why it’s happening but there is a reason and it’s usually for your own good. Just think about it, you are already so way ahead of other women out there who are also looking for their love and happiness. You’re beautiful, smart, classy, kind, etc… You have so much to offer. I know it’s hard to forget someone you really like and have developed strong feelings. It hurts and it takes time to heal and move on but one thing you and I both know is that in time, we will move on – that’s guaranteed so just hang in there and as days pass, it’ll get better. I do however, advocate complete NC in order to ensure you will get to a good place faster. Delete and block all possible ways of contact. If and when the guy is ready or really want you, he will find a way to contact you, he will move mountains and swim across the ocean to get to you (well not literally :). Trust me on this one. I’d seen it happen to my sister.

    #438513 Reply
    Aries84

    Does the NC order include social media? I’m not sure what the etiquette would be there. Should I not like his pictures or postings and just pretend like he doesn’t exist? If that happened to me I would wonder what I did to make that person ignore me so. lol

    #438517 Reply
    Vickie

    Dear Ariel84,

    In my opinion, he is a decent guy and attracted to an attractive woman,like you,that’s all.
    If a man wants you, he will initiate all the contacts because he is afraid that you will forget about him. ( being sarcastic here)
    you are chasing him here , strictly NO CONTACT. Don’t check his social media. Use your PRIDE to help you get over this. My boy friend and I are equal in almost everything, career, education, our own places, except looks. I am about an 8, and he is a 6. However, I never have to doubt about his live for me. My female friends said that if you get a men who like you more than you live him, you will be less miserable. I don’t know about other ladies, but it works for me.

    #438518 Reply
    Vickie

    I don’t like the auto correction on my phone, hope you get what I tried to say.

    #438646 Reply
    Aries84

    Update:

    I had a revelation last night that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was having such strong feelings of resentment, and I couldn’t understand WHY because this guy hasnt done anything to hurt me, if anything he’s been very pleasant. WHY was I feeling so salty?? Lol. I prayed and just let all my emotions run its course, doing my best to not place blame or reasoning as to what and why I was feeling what I was feeling. After finally shedding some tears (that was so confusing just in itself), I realized that from the beginning he has said he wasn’t really looking for a relationship but was only looking for cool people to meet/hang out with, without becoming physical. He said he had a long history of being cheated on and at this point he doesn’t believe in long-term relationships because he feels that they just breed hostility and resentment. He also told me at one point that he does like me but he (at that time) didn’t want to kiss me and then be right back in a relationship… And so on. I felt sooooooooo awful last night when I realized this because I see that I was being totally selfish, initiating more than what he’s ready to give. He has commitment resistance, I understand that now. I had told him before we started getting affectionate that we would set some boundaries to keep communication honest and clear, and not confusing or complicated. We never had that talk before getting hot n heavy lol. So I feel like I may have crossed some boundaries by seducing him because I was comfortable with it. Which makes me feel really scummy because I can recall a time where I was in a situation with a guy I was seeing and he took it farther than I wanted to go because he thought it would make me feel better when really it made me feel worse because I wasn’t ready.

    So I really want to apologize to him for dismissing his feelings and overriding his level of comfort, but I also want to give him space. I guess I’m just trying to decide when would be the right time. I was thinking maybe a week or so. And if we never speak again I’m ok with it.

    #517119 Reply
    Meg M

    Is his name Ryan? In Toronto?
    Went through a similar experience.

    #517127 Reply
    A.

    He’s not into you. The fact that he’s only seen you 5 times in 8 weeks (less than once a week) and that he hardly contacts you makes me think he’s married or in a relationship. A normal man will want to check in once in a while and if he’s in love, he will certainly want to see you more than this guy is taking you out, no matter how busy, etc. he is. Forget this guy, he sounds like trouble.

    #563072 Reply
    Aween

    This post must be long dead but I am experiencing the same situation but I feel I may have pushed the guy away.
    -) Am actually a student and I met this guy online. It has been 7 months now but he rarely and never initiates –
    A brief history : When we first met, he was so excited to meet but I wanted to know the person b4 we actually met, not knowing he was introvert then, I was free to text but when he asked me out I was always busy.
    But I made up my mind to meet him, we had lunch together and amazing time.
    We were supposed to meet a weekend because the lunch meeting was out of the blue, and neither of us asked the other whether we were still meeting that Saturday: I honestly forgot about it too till later!

    Initially he initiated texts, and we have never called but we texts were never beyond setting up a next date which would be that night never tomorrow or the next night. I am student and I fill my calendar for at least 2 weeks, with group meetings and hanging out with classmates, So I always turned it down.

    On our 2nd date after several saying No, I said Yes because I wanted to meet and know him better in which texting seemed impossible. He asked me out for a movie, and I asked him whether we would just watch a tv Show! I am new to dating, for sure watching a movie with him (3 hours and then chatting seemed a lot to me) I wanted to know him more. It ended amazingly.

    After our 4th date with him, I went to a bar by myself drinking and I texted him something like where am standing? Am not rushing or want a relationship but I do not I had a feeling that I wanted to know what I meant to him, In which he replied “I do not want a relationship” and I texted back he necessarily must not be relationship to know the status, in which he texted “am seeing other girls too”.

    We did not meet for 3 or so months because he was out of the state and also he never initiated while I initiated twice texting.
    During this summer I am off from school, and I was hanging out with him full heartedly in which I both initiated although he was the gentleman when we met face to face. I am falling in love with him, I guess. I met two other guys handsome, more texting, with one of them being financially more stable than him but I backed off from them because I just followed my guts.

    He has never said I Like you and I know for sure, If I tell him I like him or something implying relationship he leave that moment itself, It is more like he does not care.
    I know all this but when I am with him, I feel like I can do for those feelings. I have the most amazing times with him, I also told him once “This is my best night” and his response was “Whatever you call it” that was one of the nights I felt awkward!

    Btw, over the 8 months, I have met not more than 8 times. I do not need to label our relationship but am not sure how he sees me or how I should see him.
    I am 100% if I text him asking anything based on our not existing relationship he will rush off! But the thing is when I am with him, I feel I am the only one existing. He has shared his most inner self, his everything excluding family and we haven’t had sex (my hormones are so inactive, and whenever he initiates I push him off)

    For no specific reason, I initiated our previous dates, I feel like am the only one who wants “relationship” so I deleted his number although I have his gmail.

    But after reading this thread, I feel like am in the same situation as you and I should let this guy pass by.
    Honestly, it is difficult for me to date my classmates or coworkers. I am cowboyish where I appear very giggy and appear very strict and which am 100% not. This fake confidence I build pushes everyone away from me,
    several of my classmates told me including a guy I liked so much but thought he would not be interested, I was passed him when he told me, and I just giggled.

    I am attractive but for sure not working, I never let a guy spend anything one me and sometimes I resort to simple things. But I have let this guy do anything,I do not know whether it right or wrong, I offered once but he pushed it away. He does not text and I do not want to spend once in a while face to face meeting chatting on who should paying for anything or planning a next meeting! We are compeletly 2 opposite people, he makes his schedule based on the day, which I respect. I tried to include once a day for him but he did not workout

    @Aries84,
    how did the NC rule help you? Any Suggestions?
    Thanks, am just not sure of what to say.

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