Is he an ass?

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This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Prairiegirl 1 year ago.

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  • #635033 Reply



    I really need you opinion.
    My boyfriend and I have been officially dating for over a year. Overall, he’s been a good boyfriend, he’s very sweet and always try to make me happy.

    For the last couples of months he’s been insisting on inviting me to join him at the gym. He takes good care of his body and goes to the gym several times a week.. Me on the other hand, don’t lkke doing exercise.. When I met him I has 30 pounds less.

    Whenever he insisted on me joining hin to the gym, I asked If he was saying I was fat, which of course he always denied. Until today, I insisted and told him that he knows how honesty is so important to me and that I wanted to know what he really thought. He admitted he thought I was a bit overweight and that I don’t even bother to do anything about it.. And that when people get married they tend to gain weight.

    I know I’m fat..and I do feel bad about my weight but..I appreciate his sincerity but I’m not sure completely sure how to feel about this? What if I don’t loose weight? Will he leave me?
    Does this means there could be other things like this that bothers him.. For instance, he is very organized and I’m the complete opposite. Are we not compatible?

    Ps. He apologized for telling me this and was “gentel”.. He also said he felt disappointed with himself for telling me that.

    Looking forward to reading your comments. Thanks!!

    #635036 Reply


    People tend to dont really care about they appearances, when they are in a steady relationship..
    so you gained 30 pounds during this year…. I would be concerned, its not only about looks, but health as well…. why it doesnt bother you?

    maybe its not about the weight-gain, but he doesnt see you are doing at least something….

    I mean, I would not join a gym at all, but I would start exercising at home

    its not really about looks or beeing organized, but about doing something for yourself

    dont be offended and start to do sit-ups :) not for him, but for you

    #635038 Reply


    NO, he’s not an ass…

    You bugged & bugged & bugged him. He told you the truth, what you actually already knew & now your feelings are hurt…

    Sounds like you need to get to the gym…

    #635043 Reply


    You wanted him to be honest and he was!

    Most men have a terrible fear if seeing a gorgeous woman, her getting comfortable, not feeling she has to be a prize for him any more and letting herself go. Eric talks about it on this site.

    I understand what you’re saying but the fact is he hasn’t left you. He’s just not as happy as he could be and doesn’t find you as attractive as he used to. Would you if he put on a lot of weight?

    We encourage people to be honest but then get upset when they are? At least you now know. It’s better than him gradually finding you less and less attractive if you carry on gaining weight until he leaves and you don’t know why he left.

    Love isn’t unconditional unless it’s between a parent and child. He has to find you attractive. If you were married years then other things come into play like loyalty, a very deep love, true affection, joint finances and shared family. You don’t have any of that after only a year.

    #635063 Reply


    Normally I would say the guy is being a jerk, but in this case, I can see that he genuinely cares about your well being. It’s easy to let yourself go when you get comfortable but why not at least consider what he’s saying? He obviously did not want to hurt your feelings but you asked and guys in general don’t beat around the bush.

    #635066 Reply


    My question is why did you gain the weight? I would really look at that independent of what he thinks.

    Your health and happiness does have to do with how much you weigh…are you taking unhappiness out on eating?

    Look at that closely and determine for YOU that you want to be the best you can be…BF or no BF.

    #635068 Reply


    30 pounds is a lot. If you didn’t do a complete 180 in your diet and exercise habits; you may have a real health issue that caused this weight gain. I would check that out ASAP.

    #635078 Reply


    You asked, he told you.

    Honestly, I’d be upset if my Bf all of a sudden gained 30 lbs. Not just because I know him as someone who likes to keep fitand it’s sth we bond over, but also because health is very important to us both. I know something would be off emotionally or mentally if he’d start gaining weight all of a sudden.

    I guess he’s worried you’re not the girl he fell for or that sth is wrong with your mental/physical health.

    It’s very hard to deal with your person to want you to have a different body. Bit I guess when you start dating it’s sort of an unspoken deal that you’ll try to be the person you are at that point of improve.

    It’s hard on both sides tbh. Do you know why your body has changed all of a sudden? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you happy/stressed/upset?

    #635081 Reply


    Is he being an ass? Really?

    He’s been supportive, he’s suggested you come to the gym with him, he’s been very kind about supporting you to be a healthier version of yourself. He hasn’t dumped you. You asked him to be direct, and so then he was. He is not an ass. Taking care of yourself is not superficial and shallow.

    Health and fitness is obviously important to him and he probably wants someone that can share that with him. And I get it. It’s not just about looks, it’s about lifestyle, which goes deeper than looks. Working out and/or being active together is a lifestyle and it’s a way to spend time and bond as a couple. When you met,you were more fit. How would you like it if one of the qualities of the character of a guy you were interested in suddenly disappeared and it was in their control….say you were attracted to how funny they were, and all of a sudden they became utterly boring consistently? Taking care of yourself and exercise goes well beyond skin deep and involves so many other personality characteristics to sustain it that also may be attractive to him (and most people) e.g., some initiative, a sense of pride and confidence in yourself to take care of yourself, etc.

    Also as others pointed out….part of being in a couple is being aware of wanting to keep a certain level of attractiveness to your partner. Lose site of that entirely and you might as well be dating your brother.

    #635083 Reply


    I am amazed at the title of your post. Be thankful you have such a nice guy!

    Also be thankful you have someone who looks after himself, who is organized and is willing to help you with your issues and assert a positive influence on you.

    Let me put it this way, not to offend you but to give you a perspective, after all this is what you are here for right? The type of issues you have are not the color of your eyes, they are not the ones to be “accepted” as is because they are part of you and you can’t do anything about. Those are character flaws my dear. And if I were a man I would not want to marry a woman with those traits because I would be concerned about how she’d raise my kids.

    Also you admit are a slob, disorganized, put on horrendous amount of weight and then you are asking if HE is an ass? You think this is not a problem to HIM if you get married? Be thankful he is not looking elsewhere and trying to fix things with you. How are you going to manage a family with kids if you let go of amy self restraint and in addition blame your guy? He even apologized to you…!! Where do you have this idea that men or anyone would love you unconditionally? And what about sexual desire? He might still care about you as a friend but no man would be able to maintain sexual desire for a woman who turned into a whale and also is a slob.

    Most importantly it is not only a matter of looks, it is about your life and life style. If you continue piling on weight, and after giving birth it will be even harder to take it off, plus with age people naturally put on some weight, you will develop health issues, you will not be able to do sports and athletic activities, he will be forced to lead a very different life.

    Most of women who are married successfully are putting quite a bit of work on a regular basis, if not on a daily basis, to maintain their appearance, their health and also nurture the attraction of their HBs.

    So be thankful your guy is so nice and get to work. He will appreciate you making an effort and you two can develop a new bond based on this experience.

    How do you put on 30 (!!!) pounds? It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a lot of “work”. Do you not notice your first 5,10, 15 pounds? I am sure you do, you have to have a new wardrobe, that’s 3 clothes sizes!! So you put on 10 pounds and then…??? tell yourself oh not a big deal, let me continue, why stop..? is this how it works? and now you are asking what if I don’t lose weight? meaning what exactly? just think about it and I hope you’d feel a little ashamed of yourself. And then use it as a drive and inspiration. Good luck!

    #635100 Reply


    Thank you all. I appreciate every comment and you guys have inspired me to at least try and work out.

    I’ve always been heavy, I lost those 30 pounds around the exact time K met him and then faced some stressful situations that lead me to stop going to the gym and to return to my bad eating habits (I also didn’t have a car AL of the sudden which made it very difficult to go the gym and exercise and also I’ve just graduated from college and I wasn’t working, so I depended on my folks to buy healthy food (which for money reasons they stopped).

    As for being disorganized.. Though my family is.. I try not to.. I organized my room completely (taking everything out of my wardrobe and everywhere) to then find it all messed up again… I DID THIS 4 TIME LAST YEAR…
    My mom “supposedly” confused some clothes that were on a bag with the intention of giving them away and then took them to my room.. Making of it a mess again. I’ve told her not to enter anything but she doesn’t listen.. I’ve sometimes she does it on purpose ahha.

    I do feel sad sometimes, I’m a “parental child” and there’s a lot of things I be paying attention other than me. I’m 25 ad so is he, thankfully he has had a beautiful life and parents.
    I’m not justifying myself, and maybe I’m being a little bit condescendant, but I like to think it is not all on me.
    Maybe he deserves better.. Someone without this big baggage.

    #635105 Reply


    I know your circumstances do not seem optimal but the key is to start looking after yourself.

    You do not need a gym. You can walk your neighborhood….I lost twenty pounds walking on half hour three times a week and an hour on Sunday…

    Start a walking routine and stick with it faithfully…it will work.

    #635111 Reply


    I lost 60 lbs with changing my diet. One of my biggest fears was and still is putting it back on. I think the most important things in losing weight are learning to change your lifestyle/diet before just exercising it off and finding the reasons you are over-eating and trying to find other ways to deal with those stress factors.

    I see you are dealing with a lot and I understand finding comfort in food and not having the energy to work out. People are being quite harsh to you but that’s a little bit the style of the forum.

    Your guy seems very supportive. Have you opened up to him about all the reasons you are feeling why you can’t achieve going back to where you were? I think probably the most important thing is to tackle the emotional reasons of why you are over-eating and isolate the root of the problem so you can live a happy, relaxed, activeren life and get back into shape. Not for him per se, buy with him and for yourself. Don’t he scared of confronting the reality. I actually ask my Bf to tell me to get to the gym of he sees I’m losing my momentum. It’s hard to be so vulnerable around someone but totally worth it.

    When I Tell him I feel fat and lazy and bloated, he tells me I look fine and that there is only one way to get back to where I want to be.

    Have you two ever discussed your lifestyle/body from before your weight loss?

    #635147 Reply


    “I don’t like to exercise” is the problem here, not your boyfriend. Ok I understand that weightlifting is not for everyone (btw have you even tried it?), but there are sooo many other options. Pure cardio at gym gets boring, I get that, but then look for other options. Most of sports are fun if you approach them correctly.
    Plus, he’s a fitness enthusiast, I totally get it why he wants to share that passion with you.

    He’s totally right that if you don’t care about your body already at 25, it might get worse. In 20s you are setting foundations for your health for the rest of your life

    #635152 Reply


    Algo, you wrote: “People are being quite harsh to you”

    What about the topic´s title? :) is it a gentle, lady-like question? :)

    #635153 Reply


    Agree… regarding title…why be mad at someone else because you got fat?

    #635177 Reply


    Well, she was probably stuck in her own brain thinking about sth her bf said without any outside feedback, and having someone you Care about say sth that Hurts you because it’s the centre of your insecurities. Sometimes that stops is from thinking rationally.

    Butafter she’s explaining the situation she is in, I don’t think it’s an excuse, but I don’t think there is a reason to still call her out on it.

    I remember feeling like I couldn’t move past where I was when I felt bad about myself. Being Rude about not exercising and not eating right did not help me at all. A strength from within, good advise and non-judgemental support did. So yeah, I don’t see a reason for being harsh after het talking about her situation.

    #635186 Reply


    He sounds very nice and supportive. You should try to change your lifestyle for your own health. The good news is that if you don’t like exercise, healthy eating is way more important to weight loss (especially for women). So change your diet and just start walking for exercise like RCS said. You will feel so much better if you go out for a walk. Just try it and it will become the favorite part of your day. So when he goes to the gym tell him you are just going to go for a walk. Maybe there is a place by the gym to walk outside (I don’t recommend a treadmill) but if not you can just stay at home. Research healthy eating, because as a 25 year old guy he can probably eat a lot more than you and stay fit. You have to motivate yourself, but the good news is he sounds very supportive. Good partners help each other be better, and he seems like a good one.

    #635208 Reply


    Attraction is important to men. He’s encouraging you to fix something that he no longer finds attractive, instead of just dumping you. If you want him to be honest with you in the future, you need to accept his honesty now and not punish him for it or get in your feelings. Just enjoy your workouts. Good luck losing weight. And no, your boyfriend is not an ass. He obviously cares about you because he suggested you join him at the gym. He’s asking you to work on something that is an issue in your relationship.

    #635325 Reply


    Your boyfriend is not an ass. I think you’ve figured that out by now. You do realize that if you want honesty from him, he will provide it, but you must not scare him off by reacting in a hostile manner when he tells you his truth.

    Really, you don’t need to go to the gym if you don’t want to. Lots of people, myself included, prefer walking. Besides helping to lose weight, walking outside is great for mood and all around health. Eat well, meaning none or very little white sugar and flour, processed foods. Lots of fruit, veggies and lean protein and WATER.

    Just let this issue rest while you go about doing the right things to help yourself. I mean, start right now to improve your health and appearance by treating your body right. Respect yourself and your body.

    You don’t need to give your bf a running description of how and what you are doing, unless you really feel you need to.
    Just start by walking say 10-15 minutes a day until you reach 20-30 minutes 5-6 x a week. Incorporate a large salad daily.
    I eat quite a lot of greens,, the real dark ones like kale and spinach which really gives energy and beautiful skin. Carrots, sweet potatoes etc. They’re very good too, and so much more to pick from. Have you ever really looked at the produce section of your grocery store? There’s so much beautiful fruit and vegetables to pick from. You’ll never get bored

    All the best!

    #635344 Reply

    Devil’s Advocate

    What I see is someone full of excuses! You lost 30 lbs before you met him so you know how to do it. You want to blame everyone else with I don’t have a car, I live with my parents, they won’t buy healthy food, they mess up my room. Get over it already and take some responsibility!

    You are only 25! If you have excuses now wait until you’re 20 years older with 3 kids, a mortgage, a yard, and a full time job and try to find time to exercise and eat right! It doesn’t get any easier. You better develop healthy habits now or you’re weight problem is going to get out of control. Start going to the gym with your guy. He’s inviting you so he will get your there. Stop making excuses and start making progress.

    #635349 Reply


    And it gets harder as you get older, to lose weight and develop good eating habits. He did express to you his fear of you gaining weight after marriage. I can’t say I blame him for thinking this way, as many women gain a lot of weight after marriage.

    Developing healthy habits is not just for him. It’s mainly for you. It’s not only for your physical health, but also for your mental, spiritual and emotional health.

    You can do it!

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