Is he a narcissist or is it me?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Is he a narcissist or is it me?

This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ali 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #591753 Reply

    Ali

    So the guy I am confused about pursued me like crazy with non stop texts since we connected online a month ago. He is not a guy I would typically be interested in looks wise, but had everything else going for him- education, career, family oriented from what I could tell. After things didn’t work out with another guy I was dating, I was pretty heartbroken and sent honest texts to the guys I connected with online and was still in light contact with letting them know that I’m interested but not in the right place to date- not to take it personally when I don’t respond. They were each very understanding and appreciated my honesty. The one guy though was still very persistent and was trying to get me to even just meet him as friends. After a few weeks of blowing him off and not being responsive (I told him emotionally where I was), I finally agreed to a “date”. First red flag- he told me in text after just a few surface generic texts how much he already likes me without actually knowing anything about me past my very limited online dating profile.

    From our first date on this guy spoiled me- over the top spoiled me. He made it very clear he is wealthy and would not stop showering me with compliments, gifts, and expensive dates/dinners. According to him I was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes upon. Everything I liked, he liked and he would tell me how amazing I am and how much he respects me for all my life accomplishments. He would call and text constantly and when I could respond to his texts, would respond back right away. I asked him why he had been single for the last 7 years and his response was “I don’t want to just be with someone to not be lonely, I’m waiting for the one and you’re the one”. He told me he loved how I had my own life and carried on with it despite dating him- unlike other girls. That when I don’t respond to every text or take forever in some cases, it drove him nuts and he would wonder what I was doing. He told me he has never done the things he does for me for anyone else and never texts anyone as much as he texts me. I am a smart women and though I loved the attention, I am weary of men who are like this; however I’ve never been spoiled to this extent before. I thought it was because he’s not that attractive and nerdy and wasn’t used to dating a woman like me (educated, confident, attractive). I have a 6 year old son which makes me even more cautious when dating- something he also told me loved about me. Slowly I began letting my guard down over the 2 weeks dating him and was more responsive to texts. Still just as busy, but I made a little more effort to see him. By this point we have had sex on multiple dates. Had a great date Friday night where he told be again numerous times how gorgeous, smart, funny, and amazing I am and how he is so comfortable with me and can be himself. Texted a little the next day because we were both busy with friends. Sunday had plans to hangout and he vanished. Poof. Will not respond to the couple texts I sent. Dropped all contact with me. Why? What happened? Just as I started to like him and let my guard down… Was it a game? Ego boost for him? Could something have happened that suddenly made me undesirable to the point that I don’t deserve any contact in his eyes? Ironic thing is that we even had a long discussion about how disrespectful ghosting is when dating and shows a lack of maturity and empathy, and how he would NEVER do that.

    #591755 Reply

    Peggy

    Back to the same old story posted time and again on here. “He came on super strong and told me tons of bulls#it that I believed because I wanted to,even though I knew it was a redflag. Then suddenly he disappeared! ”
    I am sympathetic but-by now we women should be aware that thiscan happen with the guys that escalate the dating process. If it seems” too good to true”-it probably is. This guy was all about the chase and once he had you he was on to the next victim. You did nothing wrong except being too willing to go with his adgenda-next time slow the pace down and take your time to see if he is who you think he is.

    #591759 Reply

    L

    I don’t see a narcissist. Just a woman who isn’t ready to date.

    #591760 Reply

    Omi G

    Sounds like the same routine boys have when they are dating. They can say so much and do so much just to get you to like them. When we do, and when we show interest they choose to leave or they have already moved on to another person of interest. It’s ok to let your guard down, just do it with knowing that this guy may leave and it’s okay. The more you reveal to someone is good practice, you become more confident in yourself and love yourself because it’s what makes you YOU. If they don’t like YOU, then don’t stay for the scraps they leave you. Not saying you will but this is common in dating, I doubt he’s done with you, just know that you aren’t going to put up with that treatment. You can still talk to him but if you like him put him on the back burner.

    Or he’s just giving himself space, you can tell yourself that but when a man is still wanting space, they will still communicate with you and not poof ya know?

    #591762 Reply

    L

    Agree with Peggy….its amazing how a woman says she is smart, confident and attractive and falls for a guy who is not up to her standards yet gets “emotionally attached” in such a short period.

    No offense here but it is very obvious that a guy who comes on that strong is after one thing…whether it is just sex or the chase he is not in a right state of mind.

    #591764 Reply

    Jen

    I think it’s really bad idea to disclose your vulnerabilities to total strangers you meet online.

    If you aren’t ready to date, why would you be going online and talking to men? It makes no sense to connect with men and then say ‘don’t be upset if I don’t respond, I’m not ready to date’ that sounds passsive aggressive and it will open you up to men who prey on women who are vulnerable and hurt.

    Most normal men wouldn’t touch you if you kept saying you didn’t want to date. What would be the point if they wanted a relationship. And the men that will touch you are those who just want a fling, because to them, you TOLD them you don’t want a relationship. In man speak that means fling or fwb or one night stand.

    #591766 Reply

    Louisa

    I recently posted about a guy who acted just like this. I’m also very skeptical of this behavior, and thanks to this forum have learned to not trust this. Well, I decided to set the pace- told him I really liked what I know already and want to get to know each other, but at a more sustainable pace. And you know what happened? He became seemingly passive aggressive. He immediately stopped texting, but when I texted him he started calling. Again, he’d gush and try to tell me how great I am and eventually -who- I am. In my experience these man cannot be real. They want you to look at their shiny words and gestures so that you don’t notice that they don’t know who they are or what they want. It’s disappointing, but I’m so much happier when they show me upfront who they are so I can move on.

    I’m sorry, and good luck to you.

    #591768 Reply

    Ali

    Thank you for the feedback. I’ve been down this road with other men before and chalk it up to them just wanting the ego boost and move on. This one is just so confusing because we’re both in our 30’s and I’ve never had someone go to the extent he did. Why go through all the effort and spend the money he did? I guess that is the most confusing part and I’m just looking to vent and for reassurance that the flaw is fundamentally within him. It’s difficult in this situation to not pick myself apart. Was it because I didn’t offer to pay on our dates? Did he not like my feet? Am I too tall? You know, ridiculous stuff we come up with because it hurts the self esteem.

    #591769 Reply

    Ali

    And the main question, why put all that effort into me to completely vanish. Why do I not deserve the respect and decency of at least a bulls**t response or a simple “not interested anymore” type of text? Who does that?

    #591770 Reply

    Ali

    When I connected with the guy online, I was ready to date and began dating someone else while still keeping in contacting with him and few others. I was not active on any sites after the other guy didn’t work out, but the ones I kept in contact with had my number and I didn’t wan them to think I was blowing them off- I’m trying to be an honest dater in a pool of dishonest people.

    #591771 Reply

    Ashley

    Don’t doubt yourself! I know it’s hard to not feel bad in a situation like this, but it has nothing to do with you. Either something happened with him or he could be a narc? We don’t know but don’t beat yourself up! It’s not like you did anything psycho so it couldn’t possibly be you.

    #591772 Reply

    Kim

    This is going to sound crude, but hear me out.

    Men pay for the company of a woman all the time. If he is as wealthy as you say, it’s not that much of an investment. He was paying for a good time. Much like a man pays for a sugar baby, an escort.

    Women ask all the time why a man would lavish a woman and not want a relationship. It’s because he can. But nothing should be read into such things.

    He isn’t a jerk, I believe you set the stage for this. You made it clear you didn’t want a relationship or were not ready, so he played to what you put out there.

    Now if you said, you wanted to date for a relationship and he disregarded this and pretended otherwise, that would be different. But men are pretty simple and the type of man that does these things will take up a woman who act wish washy or weak.

    #591773 Reply

    Linda

    Ali, I won’t go into too much detail about my similar story but this guy I was dating on our last date asked me what I Would do if someone I was no longer interested in dating kept texting me.. How would I handle it. He and I were getting along great. To me it was just casual conversation. We said good night that night and I didn’t hear from him for a week. I texted him and what do you know he ghosted me!! What the heck!!! So ultimately I told him that what he was doing was rude and disrespectful and that if he was done I deserved to at least be told it was over. (We had dated on and off for two years). That’s when he finally replied and told me I was right. I deserved an explanation. The explanation is erelavant now and sometimes we will not get an explanation, and even if we do it will not change the outcome. Believe it or not men don’t like confrontation and it’s easier for them just to fade out. It’s not right but it’s better to find out now.

    #591774 Reply

    Jen

    ‘Being honest with dishonest people online’

    Women really need to smarten up. You are talking with total strangers!!! Many men online are already married or have gfs, router are just wanting hook ups, and then other really want to meet and connect with someone,

    If you want to be honest, know you run the risk of trusting people you don’t even know. And that’s just plain foolish. Would you trust some stranger on the street to hold your purse while you go back to get something out of your car?

    I’m not suggesting you lie directly, but keep your personal information close to your chest and don’t give out more information than necessary in getting to know that person. dont waste hours texting and talking before meeting. Meet reasonably quickly to see if there is a real connection. Don’t have sex so quickly unless you can handle the man disappearing, and pace things so that the man doesn’t move to fast and you have time to see his true self.

    #591775 Reply

    Omi G

    Don’t pick yourself apart, that’s silly. It happens, just like Kim said it’s because he can. Don’t dwell on anything.

    #591776 Reply

    Kendra

    I’ve heard directly from men that some of the most attractive women are the easiest ones to dupe.

    This is one of many posts where the OP claims the guy wasn’t that attractI’ve and the woman was. Just goes to show confidence is what wins a person over and not just looks. Many attractive people are the least confident people out there.

    #591795 Reply

    vanessa

    Didn’t you post about a week ago about this guy? I believe you said you were going to end it?

    #591804 Reply

    Ali

    Vanessa, no this is the first post I’ve ever made on an online forum.

    Kendra, I completely agree with you regarding the correlation between attractiveness and confidence. My confidence has no bearing on the way I look. Looks change and fade… I’m confident in who I am as a person and the things I work hard at to accomplish in life. He did focus on my looks quite a bit, but he also focused on complimenting me in the areas I’m most proud- my parenting, values, career, hobbies… I think I got sucked in because it felt great to be praised for the things that often go unnoticed and taken for granted. And honestly who doesn’t like to be told how pretty they are? 🙂

    Jen, you’re right.

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