Intimacy issues


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  • #776344 Reply
    Tina

    Hello,

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little while now. He is really great, a sweet person, kind, compassionate, a true gentleman, we share the same values and he takes great care of me.
    However our intimate life is not at its best. He does not have a lot of recent experience with women as he has been working crazy hours in secluded areas for the past years. And he is not the type to sleep around so I guess he did not get much opportunity. We are both close to our 30s. He is very keen on learning about my preferences and how to pleasure me so it’s improving very fast !
    But he always seems to have a hard time getting hard, and it isn’t because of the condom, because it starts way before that. He does never get hard as a rock and that’s confusing. I start to feel a little bit insecure about that but I say nothing to not burden him with my own fears. I know he feels bad about it, he swears that I’m gorgeous, sexy, and that it should get hard, but he never gives any explanation about the cause. I tell him a lot that I find him attractive and that I really enjoy sex with him to give him self-confidence (which is true, it’s not perfect but it’s really enjoyable). He is really fit, in great shape, healthy, no drugs, no smoking or drinking, no stress either but he is always a bit tired.
    The other thing is when I offer him to do more kinky stuff (light stuff), he is always up for it while admitting he has never tried it, but he can never finish that way. He does not have any issue to come when it’s more vanilla style but it seems there is a bit of a blocage with the kinky stuff. Do you think he might find that degrading for me? Or he does not like it and say yes only to pleasure me?
    I do not know what to do or how to bring up these topics, he is really a great guy and the last thing I want to do is to hurt his feelings.

    Any advices would be much appreciated !

    Thanks !

    #776345 Reply
    cupcake

    Talk to him!!!! I know its difficult but its really the only forward! Just gently bring it up the next time you experience some issues.

    #776346 Reply
    cupcake

    Oh and be prepared to make compromises o. the “kinky” stuff ( bot sure what that means for you). Not everyone is comfortable with everything. Important thing is to find a place where you are both comfortable and happy!

    #776349 Reply
    Khadija

    You need to communicate all this to him.
    I know sex isn’t always an easy topic for everyone but, if this guy is to be around for the long run start getting comfortable taking about it.

    I’d start with the things you really like and then take about the concerns you have.

    Sounds like he’s just inexperienced and nervous, which would explaining his trouble maintaining an erection.

    #776353 Reply
    Tina

    Thank you all for your advice.

    Talking about sex is not difficult for me, I really like to know what he enjoys the most and to talk about the stuff I love, but in that case I’m afraid to hurt him, or to make him feel inadequate. He is already feeling bad, and avoids this topic, so I bring it up again, he will understand that it’s bothering me and might get even more nervous.
    I’m all in to make compromises so everyone is comfortable and happy, it’s just I would like to know his own boundaries but it seems like I’m already insisting a lot on the subject.

    #776360 Reply
    Anderson

    So, ever since you’ve been with him he’s never gotten a full erection?

    When you say he’s fit, do you mean he exercises?

    Would you know if he get full erections just by himself?

    #776375 Reply
    Tina

    Hi Anderson,

    He gets an erection, but it’s hard for him to get easily a full one, and I don’t find it to be really hard, never. I have never encountered this case before so I’m quite confused. It’s enough to play with though. He loses it often, specially when it’s time for condom. I guess it’s stressfull for him but I never asked if he ever gets harder when alone, how to ask that kindly…?
    He does exercise a lot, his job requires him to be in a great condition.

    If you were in his shoes, how would you like your girlfriend to react? I’m curious to hear a man’s perspective.

    #776376 Reply
    Lane

    I think you need to let him lead until he feels more sexually confident. I’m not saying just lay there and do nothing but just lay there (caress and kiss is fine) and let him be the one in full control a few times and see if it shakes the cobwebs off?

    If it doesn’t help then maybe google “limp dick” and see if others have experienced this and/or found ways to improve it.

    #776379 Reply
    Warasen

    Even though you say he’s fit he might have a medical issue that is preventing a full erection. He might have mild erectile dysfunction.
    It’s a difficult topic to address any man. You’re doing the right thing in being supportive.

    #776381 Reply
    Anderson

    Yeah I was trying to rule out other possibilities before concluding it to be ED. Like work stress, condom anxiety (I might have this myself but will need to use them again to be sure), or him having no power in the relationship. I agree with Lane let him call the shots for a while.

    Be supportive and shrug it off as much as you can. Try not to make sex revolve around him being at his hardest. How long have you been dating?

    Honestly I have absolutely no idea how to delicately/strategically ask if he gets fully hard by himself. Asking about his favorite porn categories? I prefer and set a standard of straight forward questions/comments with partners about pretty much everything so I’m not more help here.

    #776390 Reply
    Andrea

    I’m willing to bet he uses porn regularly and has trouble connecting with a real woman.

    #776427 Reply
    Tina

    Thanks all for your advices. I’m going to let him take the lead as you recommended and see how it goes. Condom anxiety is certainly a thing for him, but hopefully it will disappear if we don’t focus on it !

    I’m not sure about him watching a lot of porn, that could be true but he doesn’t seem to be that extreme with the porn watching. Seems like he’s slowly getting more confident talking about his fantasies, I won’t insist on mine for now to not add pressure on him, I’ll support him as best as I can and we’ll see!

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