In a dilemma. Could use some advice


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This topic contains 36 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Cee 4 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #635070 Reply

    Jason92

    I’m in one hell of a dilemma. And i could do with some advice. I’m 25. So here is my story, I met my current girlfriend (let’s call her Lainey) when I was dating my ex, this was two years ago. My ex and I were having issues at the time and the relationship wasn’t working. So I formed a bond/friendship with Lainey. We had lots in common. We had a great friendship for two months. But soon we started falling for each other. And things got heated up (we kissed, and had sex). Terrible decision on my part. I, however, came clean with my girlfriend about what had happened. She asked me to choose between her and Lainey. Even though I was crazy about Lainey,I choose to stick with my gf and hopefully work things out with her. But after choosing her, my girlfriend dumped me two days later saying she wanted to be alone. I was happy, really, I was because now I could get a chance to be with Lainey, the woman I considered the love of my life. How I felt about her I’d never felt for anyone else. So the next day, I told Lainey what happened. We agreed to start a relationship. And we have been together for two years and it’s been freaking amazing, still is.
    Here is the issue now, my ex contacted me two months ago saying she misses me and wants to try again. And I’ve been thinking about it and I feel I need closure from the ex. I feel if don’t take the chance to try work things out with her, I’ll keep wondering what if? what if? However, I’m still madly in love with my girlfriend. And what we have is solid, long-haul. I see myself marrying her and having kids with her all that. There’s nothing wrong with us. Except I’m gravitating towards my ex and want to give her a chance to get and I feel I miss her and I want to be with her. But it will take a lot of work and I’m not sure it will work out. But if it does, it will be brilliant. I just can’t decide who to go with or stick with. ps: My girlfriend knows about this. I’ve been completely honest with her.
    What should I do?

    #635071 Reply

    Newbie

    I really dont understand why you would leave what you call tje love of your life to try to fix it with your ex. It would ontpakken sense if the ex was the love of your life. Maybe your ego got bruised when she dumped you after you told her you cheated on her? Why would you risk losing another lover?

    #635072 Reply

    Newbie

    * ontpakken = only

    #635075 Reply

    Jason92

    Newbie,

    True, my ego did get bruised. And I basically resented her for dumping me. I shut that door after that and I never spoke to her again. Well, until she reached out. She apologized for leaving and admitted to her mistakes in the relationship. She also said she has changed and that’s why she believes us would now work. All the hate and resentment faded after we talked that first time. And now it’s just been me gravitating towards her and missing what we had and wanting to be with her. I’ve tried to get her out of my mind, but I’ve been unable to, completely. Essentially, I feel I had no say in how the relationship ended. I also feel this is a chapter in my life that I need to deal with and get closure. Otherwise, I’ll keep wondering ‘what if’ I would be okay if it didn’t work out just at least we both gave it our best shot.

    #635076 Reply

    alia

    Perhaps this is a good lesson for both you and her that people and reslationships are not disposable, and that every time you make a decision in things that involve a partner that you change the course of their lives. Maybe from now on you could simply be less cavalier about such decisions and simply live with the knowledge you’ve gained.
    Your ex girlfriend is probably feeling nostalgic and is in a down mood. It will soon pass. Apologize to her if you haven’t already and move on with your lives. The best closure that ever existed is time, give it a chance.

    #635087 Reply

    Love

    Douche behaviour on your part all around. I think you need to take a break from dating and get your head sorted to stop behaving like a loose cannon. Why these women stick around you after this behaviour….I don’t get it.

    #635096 Reply

    Emma

    Your ex comes to you two years later? while you are in the middle of a relationship with the love of your life, and you are considering dumping the love of your life to try something with your ex because your ego was bruised two years ago after YOU cheated on her?

    I am going to be direct here. It is beyond me how men like you get to have GFs in the first place.

    #635098 Reply

    Jason92

    Emma,

    It’s honestly not that black and white. It’s not just about the ego here, if it really was, then I would have just ignored her. But I Do think I still have feelings for her. Yes, I do miss her.And I want to be with her.

    And it’s about feeling that my relationship with her didn’t have a proper finish. And I feel until I’m assured that her and I can’t work, then thoughts of her will always linger. I don’t know how to get past these thoughts.

    #635099 Reply

    T

    Jason92,
    Please go pursue your ex, the one you still have feelings for two years later and cheated on. Please go see if that relationship is really worth leaving the “love of your life” for.

    Your current girlfriend deserves better than someone who isn’t sure about the relationship and is willing to go back to an ex that dumped him and he still has feelings for her.

    What kind of answer are you expecting?? Freaking ridiculous.

    #635102 Reply

    redcurleysue

    You do not have a “love of your life”. Let us get that straight first.

    You are obviously leaning towards going backwards, and if that will make you happy then go for it…what would be inexcusable is for that to fail a second time (and there is always a risk of that) and then to bother your current GF with your sob story of how it did not work out and you want her back.

    That goes beyond the pale. If you make a decision then stick to it period.

    #635106 Reply

    Amz

    You’re an a** and you don’t know what you want. Which is NO excuse to hurt two different women in the process.

    You’re a ridiculous excuse for a man. Grow up and realize these are people with REAL feelings that you are playing with and it’s not ok.

    Be single until you figure out why you have such bad issues with infidelity and not being clear on your feelings.

    Your case is not special or unique. You’re just another selfish person who wants to have their cake and eat it too. All whilst causing huge pain to people you profess to “love”. You don’t know what love is boy!

    #635108 Reply

    Kosm

    If someone is the love of your life, you should never leave her for something that didn’t work out. There’s no point. How would you feel about losing Lainey? You’re madly in love with someone who loves you back! Why give that up?

    #635127 Reply

    Jason92

    Appreciate the responses. I’m aware of the fact that it’s unfair especially to my current girlfriend. I honestly wish there was a way to turn off the force that’s pulling me to my ex. Part of me feels going back is a mistake and that it might not work anyway. And I can’t imagine telling Lainey to hold on and wait if this doesn’t work I can get back with her.

    Honestly, I’ve consulted with my sisters but all the say is “follow your gut” doesn’t exactly help tbh. But I’ve also thought of taking a one year sabbatical from dating and just be alone.

    #635129 Reply

    alia

    The easiest way to make a decision is to imagine the tables were reversed. Imagine for arguments sake, Lainey’s ex boyfriend, who dumped her two years ago and starts to meddle in your relationship, wanting to get back together with her. How do you expect Lainey to react. How would you react?

    #635130 Reply

    Monica

    I think you figured out the solution to your own problem- be with neither girl for a period of time- no contact- that should help you decide what to do.

    #635137 Reply

    Jess

    Hi Jason92,

    Relationships are confusing at times. Your sisters have advised you to follow your gut. Your gut has brought you to this forum. You have received some advice which is both considered and some a bit victim blaming. Do you feel you need to be in a relationship? What else is going on in your life at the moment? Would a chance to be on your own and evaluate what you really want be an option?

    #635138 Reply

    Kathy

    All I can say is I wouldn’t want to date someone like you..

    You have no idea what you are doing. Get some help(like a counselor)..

    #635156 Reply

    Kasey

    Drop them both. You are a horrible match for both of them. Work on yourself and grow up.

    #635172 Reply

    Joe

    Now you’ve hurt them both. Cheating on one and telling the other you have doubts. I hope you eventually lose both of them. You’re not mature enough to be in a relationship!

    #635174 Reply

    Summer

    If you break up with Lainey and go back to your ex, you might not get another chance with Lainey. If you are okay with letting Lainey go forever, then go back to your ex. Sure you still have feelings for your ex. But you really cannot go back to what broke you and didn’t work in the first place. What if you went back to your ex, and she’s like ohhh yeah I remember why it didn’t work out in the first place and breaks up with you again! Then you brought this mess on yourself.

    #635175 Reply

    Maurica

    Jason,

    That force that’s pulling you back to your ex is called brujería …

    #635200 Reply

    T from NY

    I honestly try to be very compassionate and kind in my responses so forgive my curtness. But you are like a little boy. The fact that you think you can toggle between two womens hearts and lives is truly repulsive. I don’t know why anyone would tell you to follow your gut. I feel you need some serious time and reflection to explore why you think it is okay to even ASK this question. You sincerely need to question your lack of character.

    A MAN would know there is NO question here. There is NO decision between the two women. If all you say is true about how wonderful your current relationship is — there should never have been a consideration. You are emotionally unavailable. And women who date you and listen to your sad story about “needing closure” and being pulled towards your ex are themselves unavailable for REAL healthy grown up love.

    #635206 Reply

    Bluemore

    Noone can make this decision but you, just take into consideration that its not nice to feel second best. Which this will make both women feel that way. If you are still thinking about an ex so far into your relationship with lainey. Maybe she isnt the love of your life.the okd saying goes you cant be with X while thinking about Z

    #635209 Reply

    Amanda

    You know what force you don’t have? The force that should tear at your gut and rip you to pieces at the thought of hurting your girlfriend. That is the force a decent guy has. But THAT force isn’t your force at all. No, the only emotional force you can feel is for your own feelings. Do not date until you can be moved to do something for the feelings of someone else besides yourself. When you meet a girl who you would rather crush your own heart into pieces rather than hurt HER feelings, that is when you have meet the one. When you feel THAT. Remember, you need to be moved to do whatever you can so she feels better, and what YOU feel and whatever force is pulling YOU will be completely irrelevant because no matter how hard it pulls you won’t budge : the only feelings that will move you are HERS.

    You haven’t met the love of your life boy. Move on from both of these girls.

    #635211 Reply

    Sophie

    This is one of those posts that I really wish was fake. But sadly I think its real.

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