I'm scared of intimacy. Help!


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  • #360466 Reply
    Rebecca

    “Intimacy” in this not just meaning physical (although there is that), but also emotional intimacy. Maybe it isn’t just a fear of intimacy but fear of a serious relationship period.

    I’ve been dating a guy for 4-5 months, and we have been keeping it slow and casual. He didn’t even kiss me until a couple weeks ago. This pace has been really good for me, because I’ve been able to be myself and there hasn’t been any complications… we just really like hanging out together. It’s been the most freeing and natural relationship I’ve ever been in, and I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone. I’m always happy to see him.

    A couple days ago, things got a lot more serious between us. A small shift… the dynamics changed though. In a good way — I don’t think I’ve ever felt such deep feelings or connection towards someone before. I know he felt it too, because he gave me several compliments (nothing really out of place for the amount of time we have spent together, but he said he was happy that he met me, that I was really sweet and nice, etc. He made it clear he was very interested and serious about me). We also made out and cuddled for a long time (in a PG sort of way).

    I thought all this was wonderful, and I was so happy. That night I was bouncing every where in excitement. But since then, he has called and texted, and I can’t find the nerve to return his messages. I have realized that I am absolutely TERRIFIED of our relationship and of the intensity I am feeling towards him. I don’t know what to do! I know I’m either going to run him off or he’s going to pursue me harder, and I don’t want to be playing “hard to get” — I abhor games. But I’ve tried picking up the phone and then go blank on what to say and get so frustrated I want to throw my phone. Talking to him was so natural before and now I just feel scared.

    I’m scared of physical intimacy (sex). I can’t imagine any guy wanting a girl with baggage about this, but as much as I want my baggage to disappear and as much as I try to put on a good front, the baggage is there and won’t be going away overnight. Eventually, I’ll have to explain or else he will find out when he does something that triggers me and causes me a panic attack (which even if I try to play it cool… he’s smart and would notice something isn’t right). I’m afraid he will run away if we ever get to that point. I’m afraid that no good guy would want to deal with me. I’m afraid that the only type of guy who would deal with me on that would just want to use or abuse me.

    I’m afraid of falling in love with him and him realizing that I’m not who he thought I was. I’m afraid of him falling in love with me and me letting him down.

    I’m afraid to tell him I’m afraid because I’m afraid that that will scare him off.

    I’m afraid I’ll do nothing and run off one of the best people who has come into my life in a long time.

    I’m afraid he is going to get close to me anyway and see me for who I really am. I’m afraid he will hate me.

    Despite what it sounds like, I’m not normally ruled by my fears and emotions. I’m normally very level-headed and able to reason things out. I know my fears aren’t reasonable, and I didn’t even realize I still had all these fears until yesterday. But regardless, my “flight” signal has been activated, and I want to run and never look back. I want to put my walls back up and never let anyone in. Yet, I don’t. It would break my heart to do that, not to mention it would be mean to him to just up and disappear. I want to let him in, but I’m afraid.

    It’s like something is literally stopping and preventing me from returning his message. And this makes me want to cry.

    Do you have any suggestions on what I can do? What I can say to get me over this stump? I’m not looking for the fears to disappear overnight… I just need a first step, so I’m not stopped petrified forever.

    Are guys turned away by a girl who has too many fears?

    #360468 Reply
    Harley

    HiRebecca, I won’t say much becase I don’t KNOW a lot obout htis type of stuff.

    Ys..I think a LOT of guys ARE turned off by too many fears in a woman but NOT ALL. The right guy would help you to work through them.

    Any specific reason/incident in life that has you feeling this way ???

    I think a lot of us are afraid to love, to trust, to risk having our hearts thrashed…me, I’m GOOD at boucncing back so I beleive the possible negatives are worth it for the probable positives, so I dive in, heart on my sleeve , everytime.. and take the risk. The reward IS great when it works out.

    I am gettng better at NOT diving in so quick though!

    #360471 Reply
    Sherri

    I had a lot of barriers around physical intimacy. Then I found this guy who I felt comfortable with and who was very patient with me. We used to go forward n then I used to backtrack n used to play this dance quite often. Sometimes it was till 3rd base and then the next time I used to backtrack n it was 1st base only. But he was patient n finally most of my barriers fell away. What helped was that I did not see a future with this guy. There were some things about him which were complete deal breakers. So this too helped me as I think. He was an fwb who was willing to be sexually exclusive with me.

    I would also ask U to think this. If U don’t reply, he can take this as U no longer being interested n doing the fade away. Are U ok with this? Bec in that case he won’t ever know about ur baggage or anything n U won’t have to worry that he ran away as U are doing this before he has a chance to react. If it were me, I would at least want to know.

    #360493 Reply
    Rebecca

    Yes, I have reasons for my fears. Some reasons more obvious than others. Traumatic sexual experiences has left even the idea of that with a negative feeling. Plus, the few times I had consensual sex, it was also a bad experience. As in… I couldn’t relax, triggers or something happened, and I ended up crying (and my boyfriend at the time got really angry at me if I asked him to stop). As much as I want a different type of experience, it’s hard to not have all those experiences haunting me, and thinking if something happened this time, it would ruin this good relationship. So the fears come, even though I REALLY want to believe it could be different.

    For the other more general fears though, I’m less sure. Maybe just general trust issues and feelings of being abandoned. Not from past men, but if I was analyzing, probably goes back to childhood. I learned very early on is the way to not get hurt is to not let people in.

    In any case, I DON’T plan on doing the fade away. Because, sure, then I wouldn’t have to face the possibility of rejection, but I also wouldn’t face my fears. And the fact that these fears popped up so suddenly, so strongly tells me that if I avoid it, it’s just going to get stronger… and the feelings are likely to occur in any relationship I ever have. So I have to try something unless I want to never been in a deep relationship with anybody for the rest of my life…

    #360496 Reply
    Libby

    Hi Rebecca,

    I could have written your post. I’m in the same boat as you in regards to a fear of both physical and emotional intimacy. I’m 31 years old, have never had a relationship and have never had sex.

    My fears of intimacy have ruled my life. There have been guys in my past that I was interested in and when they showed interest back, I pulled away.

    Most recently, my best guy friend (who I really like and would love to have a relationship with) began flirting with me and kissing me on the forehead and showing he was interested. I, like you, put my walls up but at the same time didn’t want to. What we had was me some days putting up a wall and blocking him out (he even called me out on it) and other days of me telling him that I had feelings for him then being disappointed when he pulled back (probably because I was so wishy washy, but also because he has some of his own problems).

    Long story short, my feelings, moods, words and actions were constantly back and forth. He never knew what he was going to get with me and eventually told me he loved me, but wasn’t IN love with me, and moved on. My heart is broken and he’s happily seeing someone else.

    From ruining what could have been a potentially wonderful relationship with my best friend (who I used to be able to talk to very relaxed and comfortably), I decided to seek counseling. I’ve been in counseling for the last three months and it is really helping me. No, things aren’t perfect with me, but they are getting much better. I’m beginning to understand where this fear of both physical and emotional intimacy stems from. From personal experience, I’d recommend counseling. Don’t ruin a possibly good thing because you didn’t get the help you needed. Good luck!

    #360505 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Rebecca.

    I understand where you’re mental fear of a “serious relationship” (not physical intimacy) because I too have struggled with it after ending a 20 year marriage and swore I would never go through that again. I too allowed my FEAR to rule my mind for over 3 years until I finally found a man I was WILLING to take that first step with.

    It was very liberating for me, because even though it didn’t work out due to the number of incompatibility issues that became larger the longer we were together (7 months), being able to jump OVER that mountain was a huge thing for me. I haven’t found another guy to take that journey with YET, but I when we do meet I know I won’t allow my fears to hold be back from it.

    Are you in counseling? If not, I think now would be a good time to start with someone who’s an expert in the obstacles you’re facing so they can help you to work on overcoming these fears and barriers to accepting and giving love. He sounds like a great guy, and I think if you just take it one day at a time and not focus or worry about an unknown future human beings are unable to predict, the barriers will look far less formidable and easier to jump over. Hugs.

    #360593 Reply
    Rebecca

    Libby and Lane… thanks for the encouragement. :)

    I was in therapy as a teen, because I had an eating disorder. I’m not sure the counseling helped me, because I wasn’t willing to open up to therapists who felt like strangers. I got over my eating disorder from shear will as it was either that or be sent off to rehab, and I wanted to be able to have my own life more than anything. Maybe I would be more mature now (I’m 26), but there’s still the fact that I doubt I can afford counseling.

    Taking it one day at a time is REALLY good advice… so that’s where I’ll start.

    #360604 Reply
    Katrina

    Aw Rebecca, I am so proud of you for having the nerve to do something about all of your fears, for having the presence of mind to be aware of them, for coming to a forum and seeking help, for researching, and for just plain being able to face up and admit to them! That takes a lot of nerve!

    And I believe that’s your first step. Being able to admit them to us first. He sounds like an incredibly patient guy, and he obviously has strong feelings for you. If all your worst fears came true, you would both still be ok. You would survive! It wouldn’t break you into tiny pieces never to be whole again. Your fears are there for a reason, because you have a history and bad past experiences, and maybe even some trauma that you’re still working through. And that’s totally ok! Your fears are there to protect you, they’re normal.

    It sounds like you’re aware that your fears can be debilitating, and they can get in the way of you living your life, doing the things you want to do, finding the fulfilling relationships you want. When the desire to live your life is stronger than your fears, I believe you will make things happen. Are you ready for it yet?

    Maybe try some positive reinforcing thoughts! Think of it like a vitamin – it really is good to you to think kind things for yourself! When your mind is consumed with all the bad situations that could possibly happen, try forcing yourself to imagine the absolute best thing that could happen. What would you absolutely love to happen? Do you want to have amazing, life-altering sex with him? Go on travels around the world together and swim in exotic tropical pools of water, hike mountains and kiss on the peaks, taking selfies? Do you want to take long walks together every night, holding hands, talking about your days, talking about movies and books and friends and ideas? Do you want to wake up in the morning with his face next to yours on the pillow, his eyes peaceful, his breath soft and rhythmic, his warm arm wrapped around you? Try imagining wonderful things for the two of you, and do it often.

    It’s ok if these things don’t actually happen, but you might find that it feels really good to imagine the positive. You might find that it’s just that much more comfortable to entertain the ideas of a successful relationship. And in turn, you might find that it’s that much easier to actually be in a successful relationship!

    I also recommend you tell him. Just once, tell him you’ve got intimacy issues that you’re working through and how happy you are that he’s so patient. Say it just like that, and you’ll find he will be that much more patient with you!

    #360628 Reply
    Harley

    Rebecca. LOTS of hugs. YOU WILL ovecome this.. mind over matter.. you WANT this relationshp enough to make it work.

    DAY BY DAY. Baby steps. Ask for his support. Tell him you appreciate him for being patient.

    #419362 Reply
    carlos

    Rebecca
    I was engages and she left me. For some guy. I’m happy this happened now, but it changed me… it broke me in a weird way and I’m also terrified of touch and physical or emotional intimacy. Can you tell me how this turns out? Did you get over this? Because I’m experiencing the same panic attacks. my girlfriend sort of knows but not completely. I’ve told her and she’s very gentle with me, but I don’t feel it going away. How does this turn out?

    #419363 Reply
    Amy

    Kudos to you Rebecca for taking the step into a serious relationship after your unpleasant experiences. No matter what this one turns out, I’m sure this is one step closer to a better you and a better life.

    I also have some good news. The pace you’re taking and the patience you have for this relationship is a GEM to a lot of guys! Look, the last thing they want is a girl in a hurry to lock things down. I can only say your previous experiences might have turned you a natural into – how do i put it – a master of capturing a quality guy, because a quality guy wants to make the effort to impress.

    Now the only thing you’re left with is to relax. I don’t know what can help you deal with your baggage and fear of intimacy, but that’s for you only and only you know how to take care of it. The ‘poor me’ is not for him to see and deal with. Again, think of it as a step to a better, happier you, but NOT for him. With or without him, you gotta work on your issues. We all have insecurities and it’s okay. Some of them get resolved, some of them persist, and that’s ALSO okay — find ways to live with it.

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