I'm a mess after a break-up – help :(


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  • #789106 Reply
    Christie

    I’m not assuming anyone here can help me fix this, it’s more trying to understand WHY I let this hurt me so much? I feel so stupid for letting myself get so invested so fast – what the hell?!

    I was trying to find one old friend on IG and then end up finding another, his cousin, who is a good 10 years younger than me. He’s now 38, divorced, 3 times already. He is also my distant cousin, 3rd cousin.

    And rather than leading me to reaching the guy I wanted to (an ex of mine) he stepped up in a huge way, loved all my pics and would not stop chatting and flirting with me and immediately called me that night. We talked for a while, it was nice. We were both kind of weirded out by being attracted to each other (since the last time I knew him well he was in his teens) so I was used to seeing him as a kid, and he was used to just seeing me as some grown up, lol.

    We got beyond that, and things were NICE. Fun actually, but he kept wanting me to look at his posts on IG, and then I notice it – LOTS Of drinking. I mean a lot.

    I then noticed he was only calling me late at night – I felt suspicious. I told him I suspected he had someone else, and wasn’t gonna talk to him anymore. He then called and confessed, his daughter has autism, so he lives with his parents who help him care for her. Okay, after that, things were fine with us.

    He got flirty, sexual over the phone, but we could not see each other (he’s another state for now but coming back here where I am soon) due to the pandemic. We both wanted to. But the drinking thing lingers on my mind. He grew up with a dad who was a drinker/drug abuser who mistreated his mom… did this mean he was the same?

    I tried to speak to him about the drinking in a calm way, he denied this was an issue.

    Skipping to the blow up here, a month into our routine, in the aftermath of him confessing that he was in the midst of ‘settling a score’ with an ex (which ex? Wife, gf?) and in some big way that sounded like trouble. He could tell that this bothered me in the tone of my voice, but REFUSED to elaborate, leaving me in the dark.

    The next night, minding my own business, one of my friends came over – we were having fun; cooking, doing make-up to take new pics, working out here at home, very happy.

    He messages me, asked I’m okay or upset with him. I tell him I am not upset, ask if he’s upset with me? No. Okay, good on both sides.

    He says he’s out of it (meaning he’s not calling me tonight) and I say “Okay.” Really, I was fine with it. I was having my fun with my friend, Sheila.

    He goes on, he’s “Out of it.” He’s “Regretting all the mistakes” he’s made and how he’s messed up his life… how whatever issues with the ex he initiated has made his own family mad at him. Okay, I tell him I know this is hard, but you’re going to be fine, I say.

    Later, not much later, it hits my feed that he’s posting some love scene of a guy falling in love with some girl — obviously, this ties into his recent events with the ex, and that was IT.

    I lost it.

    I tell him in private chat that I am un-following him.

    I tell him that I have no more time for this.

    This hurt me a lot, I didn’t say that, but I felt it.

    If YOU are STILL emotionally tied to someone, want her back, are on the rebound, then WHY are you non-stop barking up my tree?! Why wasn’t this openly discussed in so many conversations? I had some right to be put on notice.

    I had not been dishonest with him, not hid anything from him. I was too upset to express myself more, and I just needed space/distance to process this.

    He acts all like I’m crazy. Calling me ‘Strange,’ and all I said was ‘Nonsense.’

    The next day, he messaged me, I explained things, saying that I had felt as if I was being used as some sort of distraction.

    He says he’s sorry. Asks why I hate him, I said I don’t hate you. But don’t make it all my fault, because it takes two.

    Long story short, he then proceeded to get VERY quiet, but refused to block me, refused to delete my messages, and here and there if we communicated, it was less than 4 words kind of thing.

    Being fed up, 3 nights ago, I took charge and blocked him since he would not block me. IN spite of not doing it, he wasn’t exactly opening up to clear the air.

    I didn’t want to be put on some shelf, waiting to see if he’d come back, or not. I didn’t want to be hurt more.

    Look, I saw enough red flags, I know this was potentially a problem, and YET, I HATE that I feel so AWFUL, so hurt, so upset – I did what was, I think, the smartest thing considering the circumstances. And for him to then upset me, and then act as if HE was the victim, all quiet and distant and licking his wounds, really?

    Perhaps I’m just disappointed, but it sure felt like we liked each other A LOT and I can’t do 50% in — I had a lot of feelings for him and for me, that’s not easy. I can have 15 guys coming on to me, and all of them will mean nothing… so when I like someone, I REALLY like them.

    Sigh. Sorry if this is long, just need to try and see understand why it is all of this so deeply hurt me and I feel as if I am too sensitive when it comes to men… as far as he’s concerned, I don’t think that if his actions are what broke it, that I should be the one who has to fix it. I believe if a man wants you, he won’t waste time and let you slip away, I gave him enough time in the aftermath and so I know letting this go is right. I just wish it didn’t hurt this much.

    #789107 Reply
    Raven

    You blew past all of the glaring red flags…

    #789108 Reply
    Christie

    I blew past all the glaring flags, meaning what? I screwed up? lol didn’t bail fast enough/sooner? Just want to truly have clarity on your comment because I’m feeling dense, lol.

    #789110 Reply
    alia

    You never actually met in person, right? This was a long distance Instagram texting relationship? Meaning it could be his grandma texting you the whole time? In other words you were dating your own fantasies and in your fantasy you’re getting the short end of the stick. Maybe it’s time you start to treat yourself with kindness and certainly block and forget this fool.

    #789111 Reply
    Christie

    Oh no, I know him in real life, for many years, since he was a kid actually. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time, but his mom and my mom are cousins… but die to the virus, he was in one state and I was in another – this was temporary because he also has a home here in my state and is coming back.

    #789112 Reply
    Christie

    And I DID block him, the initial post states that.

    #789141 Reply
    Newbie

    This guy IS issues. And you probably only seen the tip of the iceberg. I dont know why this hit you so hard or why your radar was totally off with this one. Most likely you were going through a funk yourself, feeling low and BAM worst weirdo flies in. And you go to crazytown. Its the totally wrong kind of infatuation you experienced. Maybe you sexted and that made it worse. I think you did the right thing in the end. And i wouldnt try looking for that other dude

    #789143 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    This guy is 38 and the last time you knew him he was in his teens. That’s 20 years ago. So essentially he is a stranger.

    The first glaring red flag that you blew past is that he’s 38 and has been divorced 3 times. That should have put a screeching halt to any emotional involvement with this guy.

    I honestly don’t know why this hit you so hard. It seems like a lot of this happened over social media. You “lost it” over a post he made on IG (the movie scene). None of it was based on anything in real life. I’m not trying to be harsh but it really puzzles me. I agree with Alia that this was all mostly based on your own fantasies, not on reality. If you realize that and let go of it, it will be easy to realize what a creep this guy is and not give him a 2nd thought.

    #789150 Reply
    Christie

    Liz, I appreciate your input here, but I would also like to point out that you’re tone is rather insensitive. If we come together here as a group to be supportive and help one another, tone matters. There’s that old saying, you can say anything you want, it’s all in how you say it.

    It is always easy to form conclusions based on the post itself, but there’s more that’s not in there – I can write a chapter to provide all relevant details inside of a few paragraphs.

    You can assume this is a ‘stranger,’ but is not also true that bonds formed in childhood and adolescence tend to be stronger? Have you any idea of how much we do know about each other, our families? That his father was also related to my step father? That I am STILL friends with his aunt who is best friends with my sister?

    Okay, OBVIOUSLY, there are issues here, with him, and I already said how silly I felt for reacting in the manner that I did… I expected more from myself here as well, thought I was smarter than that :(

    But oh well, I will sort it all out and appreciate everyone’s feedback here. Happy Easter.

    #789163 Reply
    Newbie

    Liz said he was basically a stranger and you found that insensitive, but its not. Its a fact. Yeah friendships in your twenties create strong bonds, but he was still a kid back then.
    And those friendships only stay strong if you stay in contact. Not if ypu dont see each other for 20 years. Thats all bs on your part. I dont think you realize how crazy your post is. And Yes thats insensitive, but think about this: you posted it under break ups, but there was never any dating that took place. So there was nothing, absolutely notging besides words. And you can act all insulted about tone here, but that guy was the real trouble here and how easy you fell for it. Trust me, youre not the only one, but please snap out of it.

    #789181 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    “Coming together as a group and being supportive” doesn’t always mean telling posters what they want to hear. I assume you posted because you want honest feedback, not just to get your ego stroked.

    I don’t think I was insensitive, just honest.

    I stand by what I said. Just because you know this guy’s family does not mean you know HIM.

    And just because you knew him as a teenager doesn’t mean he’s the same person 20 years and 3 failed marriages later. I had plenty of close friends in high school and college that I have not seen in decades (I’m in my early 40s now) and I would not assume I knew them at all as people, as adults, right now. Too much time and life experience has passed. We are not the same people anymore.

    #789188 Reply
    Newbie

    You wanted to know why this hurts and i will tell you but its on the too much information level.
    1 you were not prepared to be love bombed
    2 oxytocin levels were released in your body when you were infatuated. Look up oxytocin and orgasm and there is your answer 😄

    #789273 Reply
    kaye

    First of all, this isn’t a break up! The two of you aren’t dating and haven’t even seen each other! And you’re telling me all of this happened over the course of a month? And what is it with dating distant cousins? You were looking for an ex of yours but found his cousin instead who is also your cousin! Doesn’t that mean you’re related to your ex too?

    I get what happened here. This guy is 10 years younger, started flirting and chatting with you, found you attractive and you liked the attention. You were obviously already in a vulnerable state…about to reach out to an ex… so this guy made you feel good and sexy and wanted.

    However, you KNOW you missed a ton of red flags…1) He’s 38 and been divorced 3 times 2) He lives with his parents 3) He has a drinking problem 4) He wants to settle the score with an ex and won’t tell you anything about it 5) Even he regrets all the mistakes he’s made and whatever he did to his ex his own family is mad at him and taking her side apparently.

    And you don’t seem to get how a rebound works! You are trying to distract yourself from your ex by fast forwarding another relationship to try to get to the emotional intimacy you are missing. So of course he’s going to be bombarding you will all these messages, flirty comments, etc. You need to figure out why you saw all these red flags and ignored them. How you got so caught up in a guy you aren’t even dating yet felt like this was a break up.  If you truly have 15 guys coming at you then certainly you can find a better guy than this!! 

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