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Khadija.
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good dancer
(insert groan here)
So i have spoken about this guy before, and yes he has been a bit of a douche. Basically he is reallllly hot and cold because of his past relationship and blah blah
We have been friemds a few years. Completely platonically We started sleeping together earlier this year. He would tell me he wants to marry me and then a week later tell me we are “nothing” . Things like that.
And the latest was last weekend i went over and we had this awesome night singing to music, him playing guitar and him showing me all these nostalgic items from his childhood. Then we went next door and played guitar there. Anyway it was just a really fun night
We cam home and had sex till the sun came up, and it was sunday, we stayed in bed all day having sex, talking and doing lots of laughing and joking. I went home
then,
NOTHING
I didnt text him or call him either, i jist wanted to wait and see if he would contact.
But nothing. I texted him yesterday (sunday)
He ignored.
i texted this morning again and he ignored.
Why does he do this? Do i just assume he doesnt liek me anymore? that he used me? that he is scared? What ?
Ashley
I think it’s either that he just wants to enjoy your company & sleep with you and ignored you just because he doesn’t want you to get all attached like spin into girlfriend mode OR it’s nothing like that & the only reason he didn’t text you back is because he just saw you & doesn’t feel the need to be in constant touch. it’s like he just saw you, so what’s there to talk about? he might just want to chill for now. being in touch all the time takes away the mystery. next time, don’t text him the next day or the next & let him be the one to reach out first when he’s ready to. However I think the fact he ignored you twice may be indicative that he doesn’t like you in a romantic way.. I get the feeling his not responding is his way of saying “cool your jets” like don’t get attached..
Good dancer
It was a week ago that we slept together and we normally are in touch most days
I’m just so fed up with it all. The games
Good dancer
So I did leave it a whole week before I even contacted him
alia
You seem like you really like this guy or else why would you put up with not having your in between dates communication needs met, right? You win some you lose some. This is what he can offer so it’s take it or leave it. The only way this can change if you calmly state to him what you want and see if he is willing to accept and make changes. If you are going to do this you have to really stick to your guns, you can’t backtrack and show weak will. You say your peace and you leave, let him step up his game, but you can’t be needy and give in, you have to stand your ground and only accept his offer if it is good. If he starts slipping back, you have to go back to the beginning. You have to be the adult in this relationship and show maturity. Kind of not super fun and sexy for you, but that’s who he is. He is a bit of a petulant child and you have to be a bit of a stern parent…
Are you sure this is what you want your love life to look like?Gemini615
Why does he do this? Because you let him.
He was hot and cold before, which should have been enough to make you stop seeing him for good. Now you’ve let him take advantage of you again and look where you ended up. With Mr. Hot and Cold being cold again.
Time to move on.
good dancer
@alia
thankyou
i have expressed exasperation before, but we are not a ‘couple” as such so i guess e doesnt owe me anything
But basic courtesy would be nice
@gemini615
thankyou
what was i thinking assuming ne would behave like an adult and be consistent? True his behaviour is actually getting worse because i have let him get away with SO much
Miss_Aspiring
A good rule of thumb: Only give him what he gives you. This means your time, your texts/communication, your showing of affection, your body… If he gives you a little, give him a little. If he gives you nothing, give him nothing. And keep your options open, too!
There are guys out there who’d love to give you everything you want and need. When you analyze his behavior and ask yourself these questions: “Why does he do this? Do i just assume he doesnt liek me anymore? that he used me? that he is scared? What ?” you’re just wasting time and missing out on other guys whose actions will serve you better. You don’t know why thinks and acts the way he does. You can’t know it, and you can’t control it. Move on… and who knows? Maybe he’ll realize he needs to get his act together in order to keep you… the moment you move on, the ball is in your court, the power is yours again…
good dancer
@ Niss Aspiring
thankyou for replying!
I texted him that i am “fed up”, (because he does this exact routine after every time we see each other/ have sex/ make some meaningful connection.
Other times i have been “fed up” and told him, he usually ends up texting me in a day or so and acts like he did nothing wrong. His ignoring games are just so annoying. And its got so predictable. He treats me like rubbish and i have allowed it. Before we started having sex which was two whole years of platonic, he was the NICEST guy ive ever known, truly, things just changed once we stared having sex.
You say i have power, but i dont see how.
last time he did a hot and cold which was a few weeks ago, he ended up texting me, and he wanted me to go look at something of his online, basically to cut a long story short i said i was talking to someone on teh phone, It was a guy, and he got all jealous calling me a PLAYER. Which if you knew me that would be the LAST thing you would call me. But you know if he is goingto be hot and cold and we arent even a couple, he has no right to be jealous if i speak to another guy
Options2
Of course you have the power.
Sorry you did not use it. You have the power to gentle tell him the behavior is not acceptable and will walk away. Successful dating needs strategy, use it right, you will find love and family faster. Think about it. Human makes thing happen, you can tigon your love life into successful partnership by exercising your inner power.
Options2
You can turn
Options2
Gently tell him
Miss_Aspiring
Hi, let me clarify. You don’t have power over how he thinks and acts; you have the power to change YOUR reaction to it. Your power is all in your state of mind. At one point, this guy’s behavior was suiting you well. You were friends. He was nice. But now, the story is different. His behavior is causing you aggravation. He “treats you like rubbish.” You have the power to let him go, thus freeing yourself of this unnecessary burden. This doesn’t mean you have to tell him anything; you don’t have to have a conversation about it; just let him go. Do it in your own mind. Free yourself of this frustrating game which you don’t even want to be playing! Believe me, you will be happier for it.
Good dancer
Soil don’t say anythingto him at all, just let go?
And if he texts me what do I do
Miss_Aspiring
If he texts you? You can respond if you want. But don’t make any special effort to see him or hang out with him. If he really wants to see you, make him make the effort. Clearly you have feelings for him, and I get that it’s hard. But he’s treating you like you’re disposable. So treat him like he’s one of, like, 50 guys that you are (or could be) dating. Don’t make him a priority. He isn’t making you a priority. Date other guys, too. This “relationship” or whatever it is, isn’t leading anywhere promising.
princessa
Rule of Thumb in any relationship (especially when dating) treat him like someone you are not interested in.
Imagine a guy you are not interested in messaging you – what would you do? Probably read it and put it away – you might reply in couple of hours or maybe even tomorrow. What would you say? Apologise for a late reply? Hmmm maybe if you want to appear polite. Would you try and explain yourself why you took so long to reply to a guy you are not interested in – probably not… Why? Because you don’t really see how it is his business to know why you didn’t get back to him.
So follow this exact pattern if your guy messages you. If he is even a little bit interested it will make him want to chase you. If not, then he would get a message and would let you go. But you would rather know this sooner then keep dragging it out for ages.
Phoebe
Hey, I haven’t read your other threads so I don’t know the whole score, but just from reading this one here I get the feeling he’s a bit of a player… He played guitar all night for you, that’s a player move right there. I’ve had guys do that for me once when they’re trying to get me into bed. My ex played guitar and I only heard him play it once haha but after that it stopped as we moved into a relationship. He showed you things from his childhood… Do you fawn over him a lot? I mean, I’d get bored personally looking at some guys transformer figurines. I’d probably drop a hint that I was a bit bored by it and see if he picked up on it. Anyways if he does that every single time – shows you his stuff, wants you to fawn over his things, his talents – I’d be very, very wary.
Anna
I would just move on. Leave it and see if he contacts you and if he does, look available but not guaranteed. Show him you are there and interested but he needs to earn his way back.
If you keep doing these things, how would he realise he is doing it wrong? He is getting what he wants this way too, why put an effort into it?redcurleysue
You are chasing him. That does not work.
He has to chase you and you are afraid you will lose him…don’t be afraid to lose him…that is key here. He is not showing prize behavior (his behavior is not award winning) so you want someone who will give their best…not their laziness…
Free yourself of thinking he is the most charming man you know….there are more charming and good men out there. It is always exciting to think and act on the fact that someone else will treat you better…because they will.
Then you will wonder what the hell you ever saw in this musician.
good dancer
yeah he still hasnt texted me
I have no idea what his problem is.
Whenever we have a nice time, or have some kind of connection, i get radio silence for days and days after. And even if i text, still nothing.
Its like what the hell did i do???
We didnt have any kind of argument when i last saw him
I texted him a week after we had sex and got ignored for no reason. We are supposed to be good friends and have been for almost 3 years! he keeps doing this. Does he freak out? is he worried about developing feelings??
i just dont know anymore
Rebekka
Just let go. Dont think about it, dont analyze it. Just free your mind of the power he is still having on you. If you doing NC, you shouldn’t be waiting for him to contact you either.
I had this guy too way back; we had the best time together, but I was prepared for him to ghost out any day, it just drove me nuts.Ask yourself: Can you trust him after this? Do you really feel cared for when you’re with him?
You have the power to decide how do you want to be treated. He will continue– if you let him.
-R
good dancer
Rebekka
the only thing i can trust at this point is that his pattern will keep repeating
For teh first week after i saw him i didnt care about contacting him, but after a week i did but got ignored
Ive kept a diary of these patterns and yeah its following the pattern.
When i am with him i feel adored, but yeah afterwards its liek i dont exist. Rinse repeat
Ive known him 3 years, sometimes i just want to go back to platonic, at least he was consistent
Ivy
“He would tell me he wants to marry me and then a week later tell me we are “nothing”.
Why would you have sex with a guy who says this to you?
It’s clear this guy does not want a relationship, but he does seem to be ok with a FWB arrangement with you with a dose of confusing.
And by going MIA he is managing down your expectations so you as someone posted don’t go into girlfriend mode. I’d say he’s doing this to keep you around for the sex.
It may be hard to walk away from this guy, but it’s better if you do it now, rather than later.
Good dancer
Ivy thankyou
Yeah I need a reality check, you are right, he is managing down my expectations so I don’t go all girlfriend on him
According to previous calculations/patterns he wil probably text in a day or two and you know what. . .?
I’m not f$&/ing replying
Oh and my periods missing!
alia
I sense a bit of helplessness and desperation from you and I really don’t like that headspace for you. If he reaches out you calmly respond and arrange to see him and tell him what you need to tell him. If he acts defensive you will have your answers. If he “hears” you, you will move on to the “next level”. You still and always had your power in this, but you handed it over to him, you need to get that power back in your own mind. Only then you can begin to tackle this.
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