This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Danita 4 weeks, 1 day ago.
March 21, 2018 at 4:31 pm #693972
I have been obsessing over this guy, for three weeks now. I try to tell myself that he is not right for me, yet I have these nagging thoughts that maybe I screwed up and it was totally my fault that I lost him.
We met on Tinder and we chatted for a month. He compliments me alot and seems genuinely interested in me. We are very much attracted to each other and has told me repeatedly that he finds me very good looking. He has accepted that I want to take things slow and has expressed interest to enter into a committed relationship eventually, saying he “needs a good woman in his life and no messing around” and that I am a good woman (he is 32, I am 30) We went out on two dates. I would have preferred more dates, but I am still slowly recovering from my divorce, and he supports this. I could see that he likes me, as I can read between the lines, and I like him alot. After our second date he asked me if something was holding me back, and I told him that I want to take things slow and that a relationship for now seems to early to consider. (I had a feeling that he was rushing things instead of just dating me and getting to know me better. I also had a feeling deep down that he might be a bit of player, but I would have loved to try out some dating to see how it goes). He seemed to interpret this as lack of interest on my part and turned cold for a couple of days. When I asked him what the matter was, he reacted by snapping at me, saying that I asked him to keep his distance, claiming he never asked me for a relationship and asked me if I was drunk or confused and reminded me that we met on Tinder (which is just for dates or hookups according to him), and said that he would be crazy to enter into a relationship with someone he doesnt know. I was very much stung with these words … you dont just snap at someone who you want to win over to your side do you? I told him to keep his distance if this is what makes him feel comfortable, and stopped talking to him.
The day after, he sends his regards through a friend of mine (who is a colleague of his at work). I found this very weird.
What followed were three weeks of obsession. Replaying conversations in my head. He never messaged me anymore. Not even to apologise or to seek an explanation. I kept checking his facebook. Wishing there was something I could do, since I feel that there was a massive miscommunication between us. I keep telling myself that this guy is no good for me and that if he was truly interested he would just message me. we were only dating for crying out loud!!!
In a bid to free myself from obsession I finally unfriended him on facebook and deleted our chats.
I hasnt realy helped all that much and I still don’t know what to do. I believe a woman just shouldn’t chase a man. I don’t want to seem desperate… On one hand I feel that he is not right for me… on the other I just CAN’T get him out of my head.March 21, 2018 at 4:39 pm #693974
Well you said you wanted to take it slow and when he pulled back,you questioned him. You need to be clear in future with yourself and the guy,as to what you are looking for. BTW never chat for a month before actually meeting up with someone-I used to give a guy a week max to make a firm date plan. If that did not happen,I stopped talking or said that I wanted more than a penpal.March 21, 2018 at 4:40 pm #693977
Yes-no choice but to moa.March 21, 2018 at 4:48 pm #693980
We went out for a first date after 2 weeks… and the second one after about 10 days. I was always clear that I wanted to take things slow, but ready to date.March 21, 2018 at 4:57 pm #693982
Oh Honey, you’re not ready to date…
Take some time for You.March 21, 2018 at 4:57 pm #693983
He was annoyed because he feels you are making assumptions that he’s even interested in dating you more than casually. It sounds like he was probably more interested in some fun (sex) right now, and you got ahead of him.
He doesn’t sound interested, and take this as a positive-it’s good to weed out these types quickly.
Just because he said he is looking for a relationship does not mean with you. And then there are also men who say that knowing it’s the only way a woman will let him get in her pants. Tinder in most places (at least the US) is mostly for casual hookups.
How to tell if a guy who says he wants a relationship is sincere, is to watch his actions over time. More women than not can’t handle casual sex. Better to save yourself heartache and the feelings of rejection that accompany NSA sex if you can’t handle it (too many women lie to themselves that they can, then get upset when they realize they aren’t being honest with themselves and get intimate to easily with some guy they barely know).
If you are just getting over a divorce, you will need plenty of time to re-find yourself before you can find the right guy for you.
Most relationships that occur right after the end of a marriage are mostly learning curves and rebounds.
Leave this guy alone, I don’t think this was going anywhere. Move on and just date casually until you fully heal and re-learn who you are, and what you need.March 21, 2018 at 5:25 pm #693987
Hi Catherine – right now what I’ll say might not make sense to you since you’re still hurting but this situation is a blessing in disguise! This situation is redirecting you to the right person for you.
The replaying of conversations in your head, the shouldve wouldve couldve moments..snap out of it! Yes, your feelings are valid but it’s your choice if you’ll stay there and suffer or pick yourself up and move forward.
Get out of your head and reach deep down in your gut, which according to you is not the right one for you. You know it, so why obsess something that isn’t working when you could be shifting your focus on taking this experience as part of the process.
You got this!March 21, 2018 at 10:22 pm #694028
I am with WHY!
You are 30, right out of a divorce, you’d need 2-3 years to recover, you are not ready to date. You are still very vulnerable, take time to heal. In a year you would be glad this guys is out of your life, not wasting your time.
Right after the divorce you probably don’t want to hear anything about marriage. But a few years down the road your “market value” will drop sharply. Mid 30s,, late 30s..dangerous territory for a woman. Be careful with your time and you emotions.March 22, 2018 at 3:12 am #694055
The thing is that emotionally, things have been over with my husband for years. I am in need of someone new and i do feel ready to date. What I dont want is to rush into things. I want to take ample time in dating and just enjoying life with someoneMarch 22, 2018 at 4:12 am #694057
So take your time and take it easy. And definitely don’t let some misogynistic comments that “your market value will drop with age” bring you down.March 22, 2018 at 4:13 am #694058
It doesn’t matter what he thinks or feels. Why?
You’re very first line is about being obsessed with a guy. And you’ve only been on 2 dates. And you’re fresh out of a divorce.
This is the trifecta of ‘not ready do be with men yet’.
Please let go of this one and focus on yourself. Maybe get some therapy.
No one should be obsessed with someone after 2 dates. No one should be obsessed with anyone ever tbh. If you’re a strong, healthy person, you will not be obsessed with someone.
Please please please take care of yourself…March 22, 2018 at 11:12 am #694088
He sounds like a jerk who you are better off not dating or even thinking about. He didn’t handle your request to tap the brakes well, then he threw it into your face that you met on a hook up site.
Every day men and women meet with different agendas and respectfully figure out that they are on the wrong path for each other. I met a great guy off Tinder and we hit it off, he wanted a hook up, and I was OK with something casual. He recently hit me up again, and I let him know I wanted serious and he let me know politely he was still looking for casual.
He has bad communication skills and is passive aggressive when he doesn’t get his way. He didn’t have the patience to wait for you and tried to make you feel bad for that. He actually sounds like every player who had to pay for 2-3 dates and is mad they didn’t get laid.
Walk away from this, there are literally so many men to date out there. And I’m in my mid 40’s LOL. Early 30’s? Should be no problem to find a man who can be nice to you for more than 2 dates.March 22, 2018 at 12:41 pm #694102
@Danita, my statement about the market value was not meant to be misogynistic. It was meant to help a young woman be careful. Because at 30 you think you’d live forever nd you ovaries will never expire. But how many women are struggling finding a partner jus a few years later. And it becomes much harder in your 40s.
You do need to be realistic. We all have “value”, so to speak, and as we age, it drops. Sad but reality, it is not going to benefit you if you get in denial. Sure there are chances of finding love at any age, but those chances are fewer and fewer and fewer with every 3-5 years after 30, for women. But not so for men. They have 15 years of lead on us.March 22, 2018 at 1:35 pm #694118
Emma, to a degree that’s true, but if you settle to make your baby, you end up a mid 40’s divorcee with a kid.
And “value” as a baby maker does expire for women, but I’d like to think we have “values” other than a youthful appearance and ability to pop out babies as we age. Wisdom, experience. This stereotyping of women in their late 30’s thru 40’s as desperate to attach to a man as they have no other “value” is laughable. It’s kind of a catty comment and dismissive to your fellow women and breeds the kind of desperation that makes women make bad men judgements.
Like my old neighbor who is desperate to go into 40 with a man. So she stays with a freeloader who is draining her bank account leaving her vulnerable to losing her home, because she is afraid to be single and 40. She just “has” to be attached. Contrast her life with mine- yeah, dating is a pain and I have my doubts if I’ll find the right man. But I have financial stability because my value goes beyond my baby making ability and youthful appearances and reflects the investments I’ve made in myself in career and education.
I do agree- the poster needs a year to invest in herself and future self reliance- and it’s a better use of time than chasing marginal men. But it’s not because women’s value is limited to the ability to make babies and be pretty.March 22, 2018 at 2:30 pm #694135
To all women.. If you can figure out how to have financial security, you are way ahead in the game for not being desperate for a man.March 22, 2018 at 2:44 pm #694139
I watched my neighbor go from having a well paid job and owning an appreciating home while single turn into financial wreck by supporting a man for the sake of having a man. He has cost her medical bills, car repairs, home repairs, ongoing support (he doesn’t actually work). She is also expected to be a home maker, and have prepared meals for him, which meant she had to take a lesser job. Now due to stress, she is on temporary disability and at risk of losing her only asset, her home. She doesn’t even love her man, admits it, but is fearful of being alone and not meeting someone new because she believes she can’t as she is too old at 40. So she has gone from needing a man to support her, to supporting a man to keep from being alone.
Dating is hard in your mid 40’s, and I am childless and conventionally attractive, plus look somewhat younger than my age. Most people assume mid 30’s. The biggest problem is that men either want to start families OR they want party girls who are pretty. I tend to check their “pretty” box, but then I don’t party. Sex is easy to get if that’s what you want at my age (as a woman).
That said, from the number of good men who have approached me looking to start a family, there really is not a shortage of men for quality women in their 30’s looking to have kids.March 22, 2018 at 3:39 pm #694143
Thanks ladies Im enjoying reading your comments and really helping me shed light on the issue.
@anon you are so right… he s like the devil in thw disguise with his “james bond” persona drawing you in making you feel like a goddess only to dump you when hes had his fill. I just knew this deep in my gut.
@emma i get what you mean but my clock isnt ticking when it comes to kids as i already have a 4 yr old by my ex husband. For me the issue isnt needing a man (nor should any self respecting woman be desperate for a man)… for me its about wanting someone to enjoy time with and whod actually want to spend time with me.
Ladies, you dont need men to make you feel beautiful or worthwhile. Theyre just there to enrich your lives and those who dont should be shown the door.March 22, 2018 at 3:45 pm #694146
@anon – Well said!
“And “value” as a baby maker does expire for women, but I’d like to think we have “values” other than a youthful appearance and ability to pop out babies as we age. Wisdom, experience. This stereotyping of women in their late 30’s thru 40’s as desperate to attach to a man as they have no other “value” is laughable. It’s kind of a catty comment and dismissive to your fellow women and breeds the kind of desperation that makes women make bad men judgements.”March 22, 2018 at 5:36 pm #694174
I am realistic and still not bitter. Your omniscient tone is however kind of funny.
I agree with anon, my thoughts exactly.