This topic contains 35 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Anon 5 months, 1 week ago.
September 13, 2017 at 7:47 am #653682
This will seem juvenile but here I am. Been with boyfriend for 6 months – met online, he asked me to be his gf after 2 weeks, both came offline right away. It’s been a slow paced relationships due to living in different cities (1.5 hours apart.) we are very different and still have a lot to learn about each other but his interest in me has been consistent. I am 30, he’s 40.
He is ex-military and very (I stress VERY) hard. He doesn’t pay me compliments and isn’t very affectionate. I have tried hard to be self-assured but have had insecure moments as I can’t tell if he has feelings for me. He opens up to me about his family, but has never said much about how he feels about me, unless I’ve prodded him for information. It’s quite hard to recognise how he demonstrates that he cares – it seems his main way is just making time for me, which doesn’t always feel like enough. I can feel quite exposed/ like it’s one sided, because I am so warm and affectionate and open and don’t get that back as it’s not his way.
He is a gorgeous man and gets a lot of female attention from colleagues, and female ‘friends’ are always messaging him. There is no trace of me on his social media, and I doubt he volunteers the information. I trust him but it bothers me that these women probably think he’s single. I hope he isn’t purposely hanging onto this single man persona. I would love for him to post something with SOME sort of reference to me, so people knew I was his girlfriend.
I have tried to focus on our time spent together and avoided social media, because I thought it might make me feel more insecure. We followed each other on Instagram from the start, but only just became Facebook friends after 6 months. He uses Facebook for messaging friends (including the women that message him) but doesn’t post much publically– his pics are all from circa 2011-2013 which include pictures of him with his arms wrapped around ex-girlfriends, which surprised me as he’s not this way with me – he has never even taken a pic of me/us to have for himself never mind posting online. I have met his family, so he’s not keeping me a secret there. I posted one pic of us (that my friend took) on my Instagram after 5 months together – he didn’t complain about it, he ‘liked’ it after a couple of days.
It’s his birthday this weekend but he’s on a trip he booked before we met – we celebrated it early before he left. One thing he does use Facebook for is wishing people happy birthday. Should I post happy birthday on his wall and is there a way I can say it that shows I’m his girlfriend without being cringe / psycho/ territorial?! Or is this a bad idea?! Is there I better way I can handle this?September 13, 2017 at 8:15 am #653690
Is he a bf or not? Why so desperate to accept gf title from a stranger you met online and only know two weeks?September 13, 2017 at 8:28 am #653693
He is my boyfriend of 6 months now. That’s how it’s done where I’m from. He is straight down the line. That’s not the issue anyway…September 13, 2017 at 8:40 am #653696
Hi Sarah – I think posting something online is to sort of “prove” to people something or to gain an external validation which means you feel insecure in the relationship. I’ve been there before, I post a lot of photos with my ex and I want him to post something about us too. I know that I feel so insecure in our relationship. Im shaking my head now looking back at it :)) With my now boyfriend, I don’t feel the need to post anything as we both know that we are in a stable and healthy relationship. Like being with him is enough as I dont get that urge to post or to prove to people that we are “Facebook/Instagram official.”
The best thing you could do is have a flawless communication with him that you do feel insecure in the relationship. Stress out his good points and tell him that you appreciate or it will mean a lot to you if …. (insert whatever you want him to do). Posting anything online to prove anything seems like a passive-agressive move. However, you also have to accept who he really is and not have this idea of him that will make you happy.September 13, 2017 at 9:11 am #653705
I had (still having) similar situation to yours.
I even argued because of it. I was going berserk and last Saturday, when we had our romantic “us time” after long time (we both have children), I threw a fit regarding this, also with him not asking me every day about my day etc. such nonsense things.
It showed he was afraid his mum would see it (she didn’t like me and thought of me as a slut as I wore a knee-high skirt the first time I met her) and he thought she was on his friends list. After he checked his security settings and his friends list, he said it was just because of her, not me. Anyways I am still not on his “official relationship status”, but I let it go as I don’t want to harm our relationship as how I behaved as an extra needy, psychotic and horrible GF last Saturday, I wonder he is still with me and even writes me each morning and through all day, so I see he is trying his best. I let go all social media as I learnt the hard way that the time spend together is more important than any -ship status on FB or whatsoever.September 13, 2017 at 9:32 am #653713
You shouldn’t prove anyone anything. Don’t post on his Facebook for his BD, rather call, send a text or something much more personal!
As for the pictures … if you can’t wait anymore (6 months is not that long, though) ask him how he would feel about you posting picture of you two together from time to time. You might learn more about how he feels towards social media (and that could have changed a lot in the past five years!). Also be prepared to explain why you would want to do that.
I know a lot of guys who don’t even think of taking pictures, even less posting them online. Even if he was doing that when he was 24, this is not necessarily his thing anymore.
Now if you would need someone more affectionate of course you might try to encourage him (for example every time he is affectionate stress how much you like that and how happy he makes you by doing that). If that doesn’t work maybe he is just not the guy for you.September 13, 2017 at 9:33 am #653714
Thanks for your replies.
I have made mistakes with previous boyfriends, but I feel this time around, being older, and trying not to sweat the small stuff as much, I have handled myself well with him. Any insecurity I’ve been feeling, I’ve been well aware of the reasons I’m feeling it, sometimes rational, sometimes not, but have taled it through with girlfriends instead of him. I don’t want to show that weakness to him and I think sometimes exposing yourself to the person making you feel that way can actually worsen the feeling of insecurity. I think he admires a secure, independent confident woman.
I don’t care about ‘relationship status’ on Facebook, (actually his profile says he’s single, and that doesn’t actually bother me because I know he’s just not the type to be changing his settings and I don’t think I’ll ever pair up with a man on facebook again, not even my future husband – I learned the hard way in a past relationship!)I don’t expect him to post endless pics of us or tag me in gushy posts – that’s just not him. I would also never ask him to post something online for my benefit – that doesn’t sit well with me, and I only ever want him to do the things he wants off his own back. You can’t control or change someone… I suppose if I am honest, I am jealous of these women who are attempting to probably flirt with him. I have to accept that he is with me, and it doesn’t matter what these women try to do.
Is it desperate if I post happy birthday on my boyfriend’s Facebook wall? I wouldn’t say it is. If a by-product of that is some of these women seeing that I exist such a bad thing?September 13, 2017 at 9:40 am #653720
We already celebrated his birthday before he left for his trip – I went to a massive effort and I could tell he was impressed / touched (not that he could say it or it or show it, because of the way he is!!
I cant call or text him on his actual birthday because he’s going to be up a mountain – he returns at the end of the month. Hence why I thought a facebook happy birthday message would be something he could pick up once he’s home and reading all the other messages from his friends too.
As far as me posting pics of us, as I said I’ve posted one in 6 months, and it went down fine. I’m also not the sort of girl to go overboard online with gf/bf posts – those make my eyes roll!! I would probably only post one photo every 6 months anyway!!! I’m just looking for something from him, because as I’ve said, he doesn’t give much away at all!!!September 13, 2017 at 9:55 am #653725
My birthday was two weeks ago. I was with my BF and I got about 3 calls from my family, then about 10 texts from best friends, about 15-20 FB messages and over a 100 posts on my FB timeline. So you can imagine those didn’t really mean much. I mean, it’s sweet and all and I read and answered them all a few days later but it would make no sense for my BF to post there even if we were not together. That’s why I say don’t post it on FB. But of course that is just my opinion.
If you are looking for something from him, turn to him for it. He is the only one who can give it to you. If I understand correctly you don’t need “proofs of love” on social media, but you do want to make sure all those ladies know he is yours. I had the same urge with my now boyfriend at the beginning. I say – be patient and trust him (if he is a good boyfriend otherwise). Let it develop naturally. With me it all sorted out with time.September 13, 2017 at 9:57 am #653726
Of course you can post happy bd on his fb. Why on earth not? Its the other issues that would concern me more but youre right that 6 months is not a long time to know each other. I personally would have a hard time being with a guy that shows no affection at all honestly. i would count it as a red flagg. Also the only positive thing you say about him is that he is gorgious but is that all there is?
I do think his vagueness is triggering this fb marking but it doesnt adress the real issues. Why are you with this man? In not saying duno him but give it some serious thought
Take careSeptember 13, 2017 at 10:10 am #653729
Thanks guys. Of course he has some amazing traits too, which is what attracted me in the first place. I’m just listing the things that are bothering me, because I’m on a problem page looking for advice about them!! I don’t need advice about the good stuff! I’ve never been with a military man before, and so don’t really know how to understand / react to the way he is. The comment about him being gorgeous was more to explain why he has a lot of female attention. Looks are not the most important thing to me. I’m actually quite surprised I’ve ended up with such a babe haha.. but yeah, it adds to me feeling insecure.
What I like about him is he’s solid, there’s no games, he’s not out to waste my time or deceive me, he wants to get married and have kids but only with the right person, he’s truthful, reliable, says what he means (when he DOES actually say something meaningful to me,) he will be a great dad, he’s clever, articulate, ambitious, good at everything (annoyingly,) athletic, driven, interesting, adventurous… I could go on…
He was actually very open at the beginning about how he felt and about wanting me to be his girlfriend.. so he knows how to be that guy, to get the woman he wants…. but he hasn’t really been like that in the relationship since getting me!? They say that men no longer feel the need when you become their girlfriend?!September 13, 2017 at 10:11 am #653731
I’ve been in a position very similar to yours. When my now boyfriend and I first started dating, I was so lost as to how he felt. I spent the first six months feeling like I was in limbo, not really knowing if things were moving forward. My only real indicator of his interest was the time he dedicated to spending with me. He wasn’t affectionate, didn’t compliment me…I was starting to feel like maybe I was in a dead end relationship and then, I talked to him.
I explained how I was feeling and voiced my concerns and he totally stepped up. He admitted it wasn’t something he was doing on purpose and acknowledged that he would have to work on it. We started dating when I was 29 and he was 33. Now here we are over 2 years later and he’s probably more vocal about his affections than I am at this point. We talk about marriage and kids and that rough start feels like a thing of the past.
My point is, six months is still early. Try your best not to focus on social media or his female friends and focus on him. Now I don’t know this guy so maybe there are other issues that don’t work for you….maybe this won’t be a happy ending, but the important part is to stay focused on your needs, your communication and whether this guy feels like a fit. Dating men like this requires a certain degree of secureness within yourself (which trust me, I totally had to work on to develop).
On to your question about social media, I wouldn’t post a HBD on his Facebook wall. For you there is motive behind it and I don’t think it will help you develop your sense of security about this relationship.September 13, 2017 at 10:30 am #653737
Thank you so much Jules. You have TOTALLY hit the nail on the head. I need a friend like you in my life! Seriously, where do you live? Kidding 😉
You are so right and have given me hope that I could still be on the right track with a bit of patience, further self-development and better communication. It IS early days – 6 months isn’t long, and living in separate cities slows it down further, we lead quite separate lives Mon-Fri. I am still figuring him out. I’m a pretty good people-person so it’s rare I’m stumped over someone. But I think there is something here, and I want it to work. I just need to continue to chip away at his hardness, and communicate any of my worries, in a non naggy/ insecure way. I guess what’s reassuring and worrying at the same time is that he knows he is the way he is – it’s why his previous relationships have failed. I know I can’t change him, but he HAS to bend somewhat if he wants to have a successful relationship. I just wish I knew how to bring it out of him. But I guess he has to want to.September 13, 2017 at 1:17 pm #653779
If the man is really your bf I don’t get why you need to ask or worry about wishing him a happy birthday or posting pics of you two online. If you are nervous and unsure of his reaction that speaks volumes to the fact you aren’t very close. A bf and husband who is proud of his woman would be out there bragging about you! You shouldn’t be tip toeing around about your relationship status. Obviously you worry about these other women. And who knows. Maybe you should. You don’t live in the same city so you don’t know what he does during the week. Going slow due to distance isn’t always in your favor. Most men fall very quickly. And I doesn’t agree that all military men are hard and closed off in feelings. I think you make a lot of excuses for him and the reality is that you are half a year in and are not feeling sure about how he feels or your real status. Meaning is he seeing a future? Why are you afraid to post on Facebook as a gf if that is the title you agreed to?September 13, 2017 at 1:25 pm #653784
And I’ll add one more thing. You said his personality is why his other relationships failed. So what makes you think you are the exception? I have done this before and I’m sure many women have. You think you are the exception to an ongoing issue the man has. I was with a guy for a few years who was around your guys age. A few of his friends told me he only did travel with me and he never introduced other bf’s usually. It turned out he was the biggest player ever and had all kinds of women he was sexting, talking on face book with and having sex with. But I thought I was special. I overlooked habits that bothered me. He used to stay up super late and fall asleep on the sofa. I hated that but figured it’s just him and he said he had trouble sleeping. I got up one night and bumped his laptop. The screensaver dropped and it was on a porn site. I overlooked when he would be late and think nothing of it. He was late because he was busy with other women, and we lived together at the time. All I’m saying is be real with yourself. I thought I was the exception because this man introduced me to friends and moved in with me, something he hadn’t done with any other women because they couldn’t handle his ‘habits.’ Well I found out I wasn’t special. I just tolerated crap until I realized he wasn’t the man I wanted in my life or even the man I thought he was.September 13, 2017 at 1:30 pm #653786
Are you sure you’re compatible?September 13, 2017 at 3:44 pm #653841
Nope – I think you’ve misunderstood. Your advice focuses mainly on cheating. I’m sorry that happened to you, but that’s not what I’m questioning or worried about here.
I do not think I’m the exception that will change him as far as his hardness. As I said already, I don’t believe you can change a person, I know this from experience.
What I’m asking for is advice about how to better understand someone like him, and how to have a harmonious relationship with someone who is different from me. Ironically, my warm, affectionate traits is what he likes about me, so he’s happy to enjoy feeling good from my warmth.
Im not worried about posting a pic of us online – as I said I’ve already done that and it was fine. I also never claimed we were super close – I said we still have a lot to learn about each other, 6 months is early days and the distance has slowed it down further. His interest in me has always been consistent despite this which is reassuring, he always makes the time to see me. I’m not tiptoeing around our relationship status – we are definitely in a relationship! I disagree with you that men fall in love very quickly. He wants a family and is 40.. so I don’t think he’d be hanging around if he thought there wasn’t a chance we could have a future. His time is very precious to him, and he prioritises time with me over most other things.
Anyway we are digressing here. Im looking for proactive guidance! I agree with Jules that my motive for posting on his wall was really for the other women to see (being territorial) and this is wrong. I’m better ignoring these women and just focusing on what we have and being secure in us. I still figuring out this Rubik’s cube!September 13, 2017 at 4:08 pm #653849
So since you are going forward with this, I assume you think you can handle not having an affectionate guy? Some women can but many can’t, I couldn’t, so give that some thought.
As for FB, sure its “just facebook” but I think it is important that a man publicly acknowledge you. That really is the point of marriage as well. It is a statement to the community that you are together and that you socially be recognized as such. So you might casually ask him if you can tag him in pics you put on facebook. If he says yes that is a great sign. It means your together pics will be on his page, he obliviously doesn’t have an issue with it, others will recognize you as together, and he doesn’t have to bother with it. I know several guys who almost never post but all their updates are stuff from their wife that she tags him in.September 13, 2017 at 4:24 pm #653862
Thanks Amanda. Because he’s never taken pics of me/is, I haven’t either. I guess I’ve been mirroring him in the early days. The pic of us that I posted (on instagram only) was one my friend took and sent to me. We have lots of weddings (family and friends – which is a good sign,) and a city break abroad next month, so I think I’ll just bite the bullet, take some pics and post a few good ones. I’ll tag him on Facebook and await the reaction hahha!September 13, 2017 at 4:25 pm #653863
I’m willing to try to learn to handle the way he is. There’s enough good things that I want to try to make it work.September 13, 2017 at 4:32 pm #653868
The infatuation stage lingers past 6 months and up to a year.
Yet you are already at the stage where you have to ‘Want to make things work?’
I’d reflect on that statement a few hundred times.September 13, 2017 at 4:51 pm #653882
I do want to make it work. I’m in my 30s being practical about my future, not in my teens looking for all romance and no substance.
Am I being defensive or are there some really negative women on here!?!September 13, 2017 at 5:05 pm #653887
My bf needed 8 months to tell me he loved me. He knew when we got together he wanted to be with me, but he was still holding on to his past and needed time to settle and open his heart. He was serious about be and invested but he wasn’t present yet.
At the 8 month mark, he had a sudden break-through in his mourning process. Told me he loved me, wanted us to be together forever, asked to meet my parents and told me he was going to wait to buy property until we’re together longer so we can buy sth together. All in 1 week.
That said, because we’re coworkers and he doesn’t want coworkers on his FB, we’re still not fb friends. I couldn’t care less. We’re a team, ready to travel the world, he’s told me repeatedly I’m his n°1 priority. I couldn’t ask for a better bf. He’s my best friend and we’re genuinely happy together.
So the social media thing doesn’t have to be a red flag at all. It all depends on how secure you feel on all other levels of the relationship.
Do you feel like you’re a team?September 13, 2017 at 5:08 pm #653888
Chica. You are posting on a dating forum about being afraid to post pics of you and bf on Facebook. That ain’t actions of a 30 year old secure in her relationship. So yes. You are being defensive. You can’t see but from the outside? If a gf is too afraid to cause a rift by posting a birthday wish on her exclusive bf’s Facebook that is a huge problem.
You have more to work on than dealing with a man of few words. You don’t really know where you stand with this man. It’s not your job to make it work or to tell the world you are his gf. In the early stages if the man is all in he will do all this every things for you.
You aren’t seeing the forest for the trees. You admit you are at an age of desperation and wanting this to work. That is the worst reason in the world to stick with a man who you clearly have reservations
About where you stand, who these women on Facebook are and tolerating his lack of warmth in this relationship. Substance is important substance includes making you feel special and loved and important in his life.September 13, 2017 at 5:37 pm #653897
Some fairly opposing views from different women. But I’m taking note of all comments. Thanks.
I do feel like we are growing together albeit slowly.. and so long as that continues, I’m happy. (Again) it’s early days! I’m kind of sorry I brought up facebook thing all together now. Like I said, I’m not going to focus on that. What’s important is us and how he makes me feel. I’m not desperate either!! Quite the opposite, I’m in no rush.