I want him back after a LDR breakup.


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  • #439798 Reply
    Jet

    Hey!

    I don’t know what to do. I’m going crazy. Please help me!!! :(((((

    So I’ve been with my guy, now ex, for almost 2 years. We are in LDR when he broke up with me (last 4 days ago) – although he did ask for a break up before, like four times (and now it’s official), I just didn’t want to accept it and I kept on forcing him to not to give up. We were in an 8 months relationship together, not LDR, in Asia (where I am currently staying) – we were schoolmates, he was an exchange student from Europe – and everything was fine (although I never liked it when he lies, or leave some things unsaid, like most of the time, which caused me to lose ‘a bit’ of my trust in him – until our relationship finally ended).

    Moving on, he left Asia after the term ended – well, he actually stayed a few months more for me – so we went LDR for about 3 months (he was in Europe and he worked there in order for him to get a ticket to visit me again)… I know, why leave and work when he can just stay until the new school term (in Europe)? Well that’s because his parents missed him, he already had the ticket and he already had extended his stay for months). ??

    To cut things short, he went back to Asia to be with me, for 2 weeks. We talked about our future and that he’ll be with me after he’s done with his studies (after 8 months, year 2015).

    We went LDR. We did what the typical LDR couples would do… By I can see that we were going down the line in the middle of our 8-month LDR. He was being annoyed on suppose, but won’t say it, he’d act it out though. He’s a good guy and he does what I asked, and I’m used to that… Until March this year, he first broke up with me for some petty issue, my fault. But we didn’t really break up. Then 2nd and 3rd break up, still, it didn’t happen – I keep asking him not to. ???? I love him. Then on May, the 4th time he asked for a break up, but this time his reason was different… Even his plans changed by the way (after the 2nd break up initiation): he said he planned on studying/working again for about 2 years. He still have plans on going back to visit me after his studies which ended on June (but he has to have a work before he flies to me, and he got hired! Both happy).

    He was so excited and happy about it just last Friday… But then after he got back from the 2nd party (in which he didn’t contact me for the whole day, second time he did it. I was so pissed, of course), I noticed something’s wrong with him. He has been distancing himself after the 1st party (he was mad at me, he thought I went clubbing). You see, I don’t want him with girls – specially that one particular girl who’s so close to him I think they had something in the past. I think they were together during that 1st party (the sh*tty part is that he didn’t even mentioned that that girl was there too at the 2nd party)! Since that day he’s kind of changed – no idea if it’s because of me or if it’s because of another girl. Futhermore, during that day he took his Viber and Skype off. I think he got annoyed with me, my fault too, I was b*tching out a lot – I never liked being ignored but he kept doing it!

    Then the coming days, he seemed okay. He was sweet and all, normal yet you do know he still wasn’t okay, yep, until that 2nd party (overnight) wherein he said he’ll go home before the girls get to that party (2nd day), but HE DIDN’T! Instead he ignored me the whole day – he said the following day that he lost his phone. When I asked his friend first (that’s the only fine too, that he only texted me), his friend said that there was no signal. I know he’s being fishy. He even said he’s scared of me. Lol. So same thing, we arguedddd. He was irritated. We were okay after eventually, but I had the feeling he’s trying to be really okay but it wouldn’t work anymore. Then in the morning, the next day, he was sweet and all, until he got annoyed and sarcastic (idk why) and said we always argue, we always text, and that he’s not sure if he can go visit me anymore… We didn’t talk much that day (as I thought he cheated on me at that 2nd party). He just slept, he said he feels like he needs to sleep a lot. So I left him.

    The next day, he said he won’t, and can’t visit me anymore. I was shocked. Then he said that our relationship isn’t going anywhere anymore that he has no other choice but to end it with me for good and he can’t survive LDR for 2 years (because he has to go back to Europe right away after that intended 2 months of visiting me), and just broke up with me… He said he doesn’t want to hurt me by cheating or lying to me. I was broken hearted because I know this time he meant the break up… And the “cheating” part. Of course I texted and begged a lot as I can’t call him anymore. He took his Facebook account off and deleted our photos from Instagram. It hurts when he knows those mattered to me.

    Anyway… Will the LDR – NC Rule work here? I am not his priority anymore… I did felt that he took me for granted for quite a while… I do know though that it’s the situation that our relationship had to end: 2 years. ????

    Please, I need your advice. I really want him back… I told him I can visit him… But then he said: what, for 15 days?!
    ???? I’m willing to put the effort. But he still don’t want it… ????

    I’m confused and depressed… Does this mean he has another girl, did he cheat, or is it the situation? He did say there are no girls, but I don’t know if I’ll believe him since he lies a lot lately and/or doesn’t say stuff much when it comes to girls…????????

    Hoping for your response! Thanks!

    #439801 Reply
    Sakura

    Hi Jet, it hurts to read your story. It is a mess.

    Please, don’t beg him to come back. You’re selling yourself short. LDRs require commitment from both sides. If he’s not willing to put in as much effort as you, why waste your time and energy with him? It’s not going to work that way.

    He has definitely made it clear that he wants his space. So give it to him. It hurts, yes, but you can’t do anything about it. He’s too far away, and because of the distance, ofcourse he will meet other people. He can check out other girls, particularly when your relationship is not that smooth, you’re always arguing, etc. Contacting him and asking him to come back will only make things worse.

    It doesn’t matter how long a relationship is. It can be 2 years or 20 and it can still end if there are problems, or when one or both do not feel the need to fight for it anymore.

    Don’t contact him and let him be. You should focus on yourself as well. You say he took you for granted, but you’re taking yourself for granted as well. Like your entire happiness depends on this guy. Not so. You should keep yourself busy and move on, meet new people as well, just like what he is doing.

    Who knows, time will tell if he gets his act together and would want to communicate with you again. But it has to come from him, not you. So don’t get your hopes up for now. Heal yourself and move on. Good luck.

    #439838 Reply
    Andreia

    Hey
    Long distance relationships are very difficult. I broke up over a month ago with my boyfriend and as well it was a 2 year relationship. I can’t tell you what to do or what is he going to do. Men suffer as well from a breakup but it is different from our suffering. I texted a lot and begged and cried and I get how you fell. All the girls here say do not contact him, you are selling yourself short, you lose your dignity and if I would be in their place I would say the same, because you see their heart is fine is not broken. Our hearts in the other end seem that have taken over our brains and the heart forgives and forgets, the only thing the heart wants at this point is love and hugs from the person who broke it. My point is that it’s fine. So what if you texted him, so what if you lost your dignity, the only thing that matters is that you are not going to lose you. You know how much you worth and deep down, you know that you will get over. You just need time and all this crazy actions.. All this begging and trashing you dignity will be forgotten in 10 years when you will be changing diapers or you will be looking into your husband’s eyes and see how much he loves you. No one will care or ask why did you do this now. So relax and if you need to get all crazy over him to get over it, just do it. This doesn’t DEFINE YOU as a person, woman, wife or mother.

    #439841 Reply
    Sakura

    I think everyone in this forum already had their hearts broken, even myself. And believe me, been there, done that.

    The point here is to accept and respect whatever the guy’s decision is. If it were the other way around for sure you wouldn’t want you ex-boyfriend to hang around and go crazy begging you to come back, acting like a lunatic stalker when you’ve already told him that you don’t love him anymore.

    Breakups are difficult to get over with, you can cry all you want and do crazy things just to feel better, but if you’re constantly in touch with the guy, texting him like mad, or watching his every post on instagram and social media, it’s definitely not going to help. Worse, you won’t hear a response from him anymore because he’s decided for himself.

    This takes time to sink in for sure, but we can borrow a thing or two from men—be calm and rational about it and focus on other things so we don’t stress out and become emotional train wrecks.

    #439926 Reply
    Tom

    I recognise your situation.. I started the topic “what now”. I come from a 4.5 year ldr and she dumped me. She needs time for herself and lost attraction. If you willing to fight just leave him alone.. I have to do the same and its very hard, I know that.. Luckily I’m the situation that she wants to meet up in two months.. Just go out in the world, fix yourself, look pretty and feel pretty.. Good kuluck! As am I guy there is nothing worser than seeing an ex turning into a super confident and pretty girl.. You can do this!

    #440843 Reply
    AJ

    Hi

    Please do share a little insight on my situation too.

    My bf and I did not start off in a LDR. we dated for a year and then he got accepted at a university to go and study 3000 miles away. he broke up with me a month ago “he just does not feel the same anymore”. I’ve tried my best to follow the no contact rule in aid to get him back but he is currently in town on holiday and he contacted me via text to meet up so he can tell me why he broke up with me in person apparently so I can get closure. I’ve been keeping busy and have not yet met up with him in person although responded to texts that “I will let him know when I am free”. He has taken far too much of me and I do still love him but I want him running back to me not the other way around. What do I do next to have him want me again. I am not even certain if he left because of another women. I lost weight did my hair and bought new clothes( Although he hasn’t yet seen any of my recent improvement). I am working on my self too but all these rules on getting him back is not working fast enough. what am I doing wrong?

    #441049 Reply
    Sakura

    AJ, you’re not doing anything wrong.
    Do you really want to pursue a relationship with this guy? He is just on a holiday and and an LDR is difficult and requires commitment on both sides. not just one, has to be both. Sounds to me like he’s bent on finishing his studies.

    We can’t “force” people to feel do something they don’t like. If we do then that’s being manipulative. So, if he wants to get back with you it has to come from him, he has to initiate it. There’s no black and white answer to that question. Working to improve your looks, confidence, and attitude in life are beneficial for yourself, because the best revenge is being at your best. Realize the end of the day that you are doing these things for yourself, not for him. Having your best self means that you’re ready to meet that one guy who matches you perfectly, and it may or may not be your ex, it may be someone else.

    There’s that old cliche line that says “if you love someone let him/her go, if he/she comes back, he/she is yours.” You don’t need to wait, just live your life and who knows? Fate has a very intriguing way of making up surprises along the way. Avoid expectations and be open to other people, let everything unfold. good luck!

    #450645 Reply
    Maddy

    I was in an LDR for 8 months. My boyfriend moved away because of a job promotion and I had to live 800 miles away to finish college. In the beginning he would FaceTime me for hours every night, email, text and call each other everyday. I would come home from class and have love notes in the mail from him. We talked about always being together after I graduate and it was only a year of long distance. We both were busy with our lives but always made time for each other. I could tell work was very stressful for him but it seemed like all he cared about was work. The last time I went to go visit him, we had the most amazing time together. He told me that I was the one for him and he would never let me down or break my heart. Three weeks after our trip, he was acting a little strange. He kept texting me we need to talk and when I asked if everything was ok he’d say “Yes we’re all good I just want to hear your voice. I miss you so much. You are the greatest woman in my life. I hate this distance between us and I can’t wait for it to be over so we can be together”. I called him after three days of trying to get a ahold of him and he decides it’s best that he focuses on his career right now and that we should break up. He doesn’t feel like he’s giving me the attention I deserve and work is only going to get more hectic for him. He says he still wants to be friends and talk all the time, visit each other, and he wants to come to my college graduation. It doesn’t sound like he wants to break up though. I think maybe he is just confused and is in a tough place in his life. It all just seems so bizarre to me. I thought things were going really well for us. I’m so heartbroken over this. It’s been two weeks since we last spoke. I really don’t want contact him and feel like he should reach out to me since he’s the one that made this choice to breakup. I don’t feel like we are over and I want him back. I am giving him the space he needs and hoping that he will contact me soon. I don’t understand why he would give up so easily and out of no where. It’s bothering me so much that it’s been two weeks without talking. Each day gets easier but I want my best friend/boyfriend back. What should I do?

    #450648 Reply
    Amelia

    Ask yourself the following…it may help ease your pain at this time…
    Ask yourself… Is it flowing freely? Is it happy and without pain? Is your partner emotionally and physically free to love you? Do you recieve as much as you give? or Are you ever left wondering about your relationship? Can they answer emotional questions or do they leave you in silence, “forget” to answer the text, or just not answer and wait it out till it’s “forgotten”? Are they in it 100% (and you KNOW if they are) or are you left totally confused? Their actions speak volumes. Are they speaking or hiding? Just because they wont let go and always check in to make sure you are there, does not mean it’s working. Just the opposite. And that is not love. As special as that may make you feel at times. Checking in is not being present. You deserve someone who is present and participating as much with you as you are with them.

    #450688 Reply
    Toni

    Sakura, I can’t help but be grateful too of your answers. I was reading the letters in this column and I am really thankful that people care about other people. I had also been in an LDR. I don’t even consider it anymore a relationship because I mean, we just met online and did not have a chance to meet. We are supposed to meet next year on his birthday but I am guessing that will not happen anymore. I just noticed that he became distant, did not make me feel important anymore, I felt I was no longer his priority and he just plainly took me for granted. I was crazy enough to lend him some money when he had financial problems. Ok, I was too gullible and I just thought I’d share with you even if I think readers of this would judge me because I want you to learn a lesson from me. So, he became distant. I felt something was not right. And by the way, weeks before that he said that he has no cellphone anymore. So, I deleted whatsapp from my phone because that was where we used to texts everyday aside from Skype. Weeks ago, we would always go into arguments because I wanted to see him in Skype but he said he was always busy. Then 2 Saturdays ago, I happened to be cleaning up my inbox and saw his message from months ago when he messaged me from an online dating site (message dated May) and when I clicked on it, it directed me to his profile, and I saw him uploaded new pictures. So I asked him, why he did that, what his purpose was, and why he has to visit an online dating site when we supposedly had each other already and he said that he was only doing it for himself. Many reasons, some of them i found very shallow and then after we ended our conversation, there was no longer any response from him.I could not even see his facial reactions because he said his bro borrowed his cam so we were only able to talk and not really did video call. The following day, I told him I was still hurt. I messaged him in Skype. I wanted answers. And the way we talked the night before, he was assuring me of his love and that our relationship was ok. So from that Sunday until the following Thursday, he did not say anything and completely ignored me. Last Thursday, I just thought of installing whatsapp again (out of the blue, i thought of installing it) and was so shocked to see that he was online and he was able to read my messages. I told him I was so upset but he did not say anything. He just blocked me after that!

    I still think about him a lot these days. I was so emotionally attached to him. I no longer think about the money. I felt like a complete idiot doing that. The truth is, I wanted to help him in his problem because he meant a lot to me.

    Currently, he has not blocked me on FB. So, I dont really expect anything good to happen anymore from us. I dont even know if there was really an “us.” I am just writing this hoping readers can learn something from this awful experience. Sometimes, men say good things really good things but their actions are just the opposite. So, we women have to guard our hearts.

    #466771 Reply
    CJ

    My bf and I were together for almost 4years, then we broke up and went abroad, he had a gf during that time and I was so hurt because in just a short period of time he got a new one. After two years since we broke up we chatted again and asked me if we can still have a second chance. Then after two months of chatting and calling we are a couple again. We decided to get married, all are settled and we informed our family, all were perfect and just waiting for my vacation as I am working abroad and so he was. He went home first because of some issues in his work, I told him to just wait there and help to process all the things that we needed for our marriage. Then after 4 months, I recognize the change in his attitude, he’s not calling me anymore and telling he’s busy. Then I found out that he is already dating someone from their area. I asked him to choose, but he told me he is confused and need sometime, then I just stopped contacting him because at the second time I was hurt. Now its been almost 2months since it happened and I dont know what to do. I want him back despite of everything happened between us his still the love of my life.

    #466772 Reply
    Andrea

    CJ, your boyfriend sounds like a very selfish man, he is playing with you.
    I know you feel its the end of the world BUT move on. Cut all contact…he already had a second chance to make things right with you.

    #555818 Reply
    Lili

    I am very confused right now. I have been with this guy for almost three years before he went back to his country. We were in a LDR for a year when he told me his parents wanted him to marry someone else. He couldn’t comeback to my country because of mandatory military service and he needs his parents money to have it settled. I asked him if we should break up but he didn’t want to as I was one of the reasons he wanted to leave their country. He told me he didn’t like the woman so I agreed to be patient with our new setup. It’s been 7 months that he told me about her, I am not sure if they have gotten married as we never discussed her. Things between us has gotten worse since he we rarely talk. Last time we had a normal conversation he told me felt like in a jail. There are even times that when I talk to him, she ends up replying to me which is very frustrating and painful. He told me to wait for him to send a message first. He also kept telling me he will comeback for me once his military service will be paid. It was hard because I miss him so much so I still sent him a message first. Today, I begged her to let me speak to him as we haven’t had any contact for almost a month. She was so happy to be playing with me, to have the upper hand and she was literally laughing at my misery. It is so painful that he lets her do whatever she wants. He even told me with her on his side, through chat that he is not doing anything to me, I should blame my attitude for my sufferings. What does it mean? Is he ending things between us? Is it just all acting so she won’t tell on him to his parents? At the back of my head, Im expecting for him to contact me to apologize. If ever this is the end, I wanted us to talk properly. Please help me.

    #702113 Reply
    Lina

    I was in an almost 2 year ldr with my ex boyfriend I met in the States we had to go back to each of our countries for study but we visited each other every 5 months. Every meeting were just pure happiness. But there are times I was pre occupied and thought to break up with him but he always beg me to stay like he will call on video chat while all red and crying. Telling me things are going to change, that he can’t live without me. And then I got to the point that I was always home all the time that I don’t do anything except to wait for him to have his time tl talk to me. I had jealousy issues with him and it makes him annoyed although I tried to change it and there were some improvements. Before our meeting he wants to break up. He said wants to be single and that he doesn’t love me. When I finally agreed, he called me crying and said that he was stupid to say those stuff. The next one I got really pissed at him for not texting me and being out sleeping overnight with his friends. I was just worried but anyway I got pissed and ask him why does it seemed like he prefers spending time with his friends. And Then he said he wants to break up again. Same reasons. He didn’t want me to message him that much and wanted to stay friends. After a week I wrote him a long message stating everything on my mind. He said he doesn’t wanna hurt me more and then we hac casual talk for a few hours and then he told me he still loves me. I know he does and he is confused and tired of ldr too but covering up his reasons by telling me he doesn’t love me.we got back for 2 weeks but it seems like he is not trying and I was becoming so clingy on him that he gets annoyed. Then he finally said it again. He doesn’t feel the same. We had short video call conversation for 3 mins and I saw how he was crying prior to the call. I knew it was so hard for him and he can’t do ldr anymord and he doesn’t want me to move in with him because I have greater opporunitied somewhere else. Now it’s been 5 weeks no initiated contract from him. I tried fo beg 2 days after break up and read alot of get back together sites and followed NC Rule and I texted him but he was so cold to me. So i told him I was thankful for the breakup and it made me fix my insecurities. His closest friends were telling me to wait for him fix his head. Because he really loves me and he never hurt me physically or anything. He treated me like a princess, bought things that made me happy. Supported me in everything I do. Everyone that knew him tells me that I was the only girl he can see and that he truly loves me. Although i am doing really good but how can he see that I have been improving if we block each other? Thanks

    #747314 Reply
    melles

    I have been in LDR for a year and 3months. We were schoolmates during our elementary year and after more than 30 years we met in social media. I am separated for more than 10 yrs and never had formal relationship with anyone. My ex hubby has his second family already. I concentrated to provide for my only son and myself. He was also separated for more than 20 yrs and working as caregiver in Europe to provide for his 2 adult kids. He has no big financial obligation with his kids except their monthly allowance for the food and home bills. He just needs to work for a living since he has no source of income when he stays in our hometown.

    We were officially on after 2 months of courting me via chat and video calls. When he had his vacation for 45 days the more we got closer and in loved with each other, until he got back to Europe. We continue our LDR. But the problem initiated from me. I was overwhelmed and felt so much confident that his love for me will always endure and his effort to show his love and affection every minute regardless of my petty quarrels with him. Of course, sometimes, a girl wants to overpower and play a little tricky, even I was not serious on that. Even it was all my fault, he will be the one to apologize and beg. Until he was tired of it and to my surprise one day on his wall I saw his post and declaring his found new love. I couldn’t speak that time and begged him to call and he told me sorry for everything but he felt I abused him of his feelings and took his feelings for granted. I was devastated and blocked him in all social media. I gave also to his kids all his personal docs and the card that we shared every time he sent me cash gift that he insisted always just to make me happy during that time. After one month of NC, he sent me text message asking for my forgiveness and he said dumping me was the worst decision he ever did. He only wants my forgiveness probably he realized what he did. He even mentioned that how he loved me so much but he can’t do anything anymore because he can’t afford again to do another worst thing and hurt the girl and her family because he was already introduced to the whole family via social media. They keep posting all their pictures on video calls. I guess he is starting to develop his feelings with the new girl. The girl has the same home town with me. After another 2 weeks, I broke the NC and called him. He was still very kind and gentleman talking to me and how he missed me also. But things changed, I felt clingy and needy, then from civil talk I begun to insist him to go back to me and promise that I will change. I pleaded and cried and promised that I will no longer do what he hates me. But still, he has chosen the new one. He said how he still loved me but he can no longer go back. He has no reason to leave the girl. He said the love is not too much because of a recent relationship but he feels comfortable and relieve with the new relationship. Everyday I begged until found myself annoying him already even it’s no longer my personality. I just want him back. Until he said I should learn to forget him and he immediately blocked me.

    The last thing I did was to send him international SMS apologizing for all the trouble I’ve done and all the bad words I uttered.Then I assured him I will no longer bother him and wish him the best. Now, I really longing for him but I can’t do anything anymore. Need to finally move on with my life and accept it. BTW, he will be on 45 days vacation in June, just like last year when we were together. I know the feeling of having him around personally, his sweetness and caring. But sad to say, it will no longer mine. It’s for the new girl that he will meet personally. Their also neighbors in our home town also.

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