I need honest advice.


Home Forums Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Advice I need honest advice.

This topic contains 33 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Nat 3 months ago.

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  • #603311 Reply

    Natalya

    I’m in a LDR for over a year now. We see each other as much as we can though. And everything was going well, or this I thought until yesterday.

    I’ve being noticing that his attention is dropping a little bit. Early in our relation I would be getting texts all day long. Few days ago it was starting to bother me and I mentioned it. I got an answer that I didn’t expect at all. That so much texting kills him, that he can’t go to places without his phone ringing all time. And that he hates that. Those were the exactly words, and I have to say it broke my heart. I thought he enjoyed our relation as much as me.

    I have to point out that I always let him start our conversations, at leats 90% of the times, and that we were sending texts randomly during the day because both of us keep replying, if I knew “it was killing him” I wouldn’t continue replying. Sometimes those texts are every 2-3 hours.

    Anyway now that I know he feels this way, and I’ve read a new mode and Eric enough to know men in general don’t like texting. But his words were kinda offensive to me, don’t know what you guys think. Now I don’t know how to behave. Today for example he contacted me, and I didn’t know at what point should I stop talking, now I feel like a pain in the ass. I told him this, and he told me that I was overreacting and that I can text him anytime I want.

    I need some advice. I don’t know how to handle this now. What do you think? Am I overreacting? Was he rude? I was thinking about ignoring him a few days, but I don’t know if I’m being childish…

    #603313 Reply

    Peggy

    I don’t think he was being rude-maybe in his tone a bit,but the message is reasonable in my opinion. I don’t have time to text all day long with a guy, especially at work. Why not plan to talk on the phone 2 or 3 evenings a week instead? The constant texting can’t be sustained and become annoying rather than connecting.

    #603315 Reply

    Phillygirl

    He wasn’t rude. Responsible adults SHOULD NOT have the time to text all day, everyday. Especially if you have work or school.

    I was in an LDR for 2 years. He CALLED me every night we weren’t together, so we could talk.

    I would usually get a good morning or goodnight text and maybe a text during the day to tell me he missed me or was thinking of me. But we never kept it going for more than a couple minutes and they were all short texts.

    This is one of the main reasons relationships can’t function anymore. Between social media and texting, people are having a relationship with their phone. NOT a person.

    It’s ridiculous

    #603318 Reply

    Natalya

    Thanks girls.

    I understand the constant texting can be hard. My point here is that he was starting all those conversations and now he tells me it is killing him, and that makes me feel bad. If it was me starting the conversations I would understand.

    Anyway, it was more about the expressions he used than anything. If he told me the same thing with different words I would take it better.

    It kinda broke my heart to know that many of those messages were killing him. Don’t know how to explain it, I feel it was a bit fake now.

    But I accept that maybe I’m not being understanding. I can’t wait for us to be together. Having a LDR can be hard to handle.

    #603320 Reply

    Hannah

    He was just being honest and I don’t blame him! Even with friends etc, I can find it difficult to keep up with the texting and a busy life at times.

    I think the other ladies made a good suggestion. Why don’t you schedule time to talk regularly? That way you’ll both feel closer than you do now and there won’t be anything to text about. You can save it all up for when you talk.

    #603321 Reply

    Natalya

    I forgot to say something, texting is kinda our only way of comunication, because we are from different countries. We phone call now and then, but not much because either is expensive or it doesn’t work fine. Of course if we had a phone call daily we wouldn’t be texting that much.

    #603323 Reply

    Peggy

    Hi-If that is the case,try email in the evenings.

    #603327 Reply

    Maria

    If he was starting the conversations and you were responding, I find this a bit weird, but could be that a habit developed early on and he’s just grown weary of it. Which i understand (personally cannot STAND all day on/off texting– a few in the evening when both people are done with work is nice). Sounds like it’s become obligatory feeling to him so took the fun out of it. Would suggest you guys just have a calm conversation (when you aren’t emotional) about how much communication you would both like. Let him know you like being in touch but dont’ want to overwhelm him, so what kind of rhythm would be appealing to him? A nice phone call once or twice a week can go a long way and then you can scale back on the texting? This stuff can get so complicated because our feelings get involved, but really, the amount of communcation and form of communication can very easily be worked out with a non-defensive converation (not via text LOL) about how much of it you guys both want. Good luck! I’m sure you’ll work it out.

    #603328 Reply

    Maria

    Re: cost of phone calls– that’s what skype is for 😉 You don’t have to use the video component of it.

    #603329 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Well, then I don’t think you are going to like what I have to say.

    To me, that isn’t a relationship, it’s a pen-pal. LDR’s CAN NOT survive via texting.

    They are the hardest relationships to sustain, which mean the most work. I honestly think this is a waste of time.

    #603330 Reply

    Natalya

    Now I feel an idiot because we kinda had a fight about this today. And you all agree with him.

    I still hate how guys set patterns that they can’t keep. I’ll try to act like nothing happens so we can have good vibes again, and I’ll try to cut the texting before I used to do.

    As he always starts the convos, now I’ll never know when he does it because he feels it or out of obligation.

    Peggy, thanks for the advice , I don’t see how the email would be a big difference though,that would keep him in the pc. At least with the texting he can move…

    Perhaps we can talk for halk an hour or so, and stop with the random texts.

    #603333 Reply

    Natalya

    Phillygirl, we see each other pretty often for people living in different countries and we are planning living together in my country as soon as we can.

    But what do you mean exactly? we skype too sometimes, but we have trouble with the audio…we sent pictures…I know is not perfect, but it is hard to let someone you love goes just because it looks complicated.

    #603335 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Do you have a planned end-date to the distance? If not, and it’s not in the next year or so, I repeat, this is a waste of time.

    Men don’t bond by talking, they bond by spending time in your presence. Doing things together and spending one-on one time.

    I repeat that this sounds like pen pals.If there is no actual plan, and arrangements being made to end the distance soon, I don’t know where you can possibly or realistically believe this is going.

    #603337 Reply

    L

    He really meant that he is tired of the distance.

    #603339 Reply

    Peggy

    I don’t think,Natalya that he is doing it from obligation. I think he sends a quick,checking in,thinking of you light type message and you perhaps use that to start a long spate of messages and info. In the day just keep it simple ” good morning-hope your day will be a good one,talk to you tonight” smiley face and done!

    #603344 Reply

    Maria

    I agree with Peggy that perhaps you are misreading a check in message for a desire to have an ongoing conversation all day?
    If a text doesn’t include an actual question or something needs a compelling response, maybe only respond very briefly “thanks!” heart emoji, etc.
    That way you are acknowledging but not continuing to drag something out that doesn’t need to be?
    I dont’ know if that makes sense. Would kinda help if we could see a sample text chain…
    I do know I dated a guy that even when I provided a closed-end text/response, would always respond so then you are going around and around in circles about not much.

    #603347 Reply

    Maria

    Phillygirl has her own perspective, and I appreciate it, LDR’s can be hard, though I’ve had a couple of very successful ones. But I don’t think you are looking for advice on if an LDR is waste of time or not, it may or may not work for you. They work well for me because I’m an introvert, like a lot of space, and don’t need lots of constant togetherness. But everyone is different. Anyway, just saying, I hope we can help you with your specific issue here– you don’t appear to be questioning if you should be in an LDR, more questioning how you can resolved a communciation problem, which quite frankly could have arisen if he lived 45 mins away as well.

    #603359 Reply

    Natalya

    Phillygirl, yeah, we have planned that he could move here in 2018. He is a hard working person and he is saving money and have also to finish one thing before coming here.

    I don’t plan to be this way forever. But though it is temporal, still 1 year to go. So I want to handle things the best that I can.

    Peggy, I think you are actually right, because he told me that, that he checks on me. Probably that’s all he wanted many times and I went into longer conversations. I just tried to give him as many attention as I could thinking that would be the best thing to do, and I did it wrong. Sometimes it was hard for me to keep replying as I was with people, etc………..

    I still think men get stressed over texting more than we do though. I admit that I love to know from him, any moment, any time.

    #603368 Reply

    Ambree

    Hi Nat,In my opinion he was being rude!..I get what you’re saying he initiates those text 90% of the time & if those text that he’s initiating are killing him so to speak then why bother?..Let’s chalk it up 2 he was having a bad day & his words came across wrong..I was in an LDR for 2years myself he use 2 put forth majority of the effort as well..Even though he was an ass in other ways that’s one of those things he didn’t complain about because being long distance the phone is all u guys have in order for the the relationship to stand.Let it go this time,an arguement is the last thing u need being distant is hard enough.If he were 2 say something that makes you feel bad again put him in his place real quick,no need for advice because only you know how his words affect u..

    #603373 Reply

    Phillygirl

    He wasn’t rude, but this is the problem with texting. You don’t have facial cues, modulation of voice, or other things that help you understand the full context of what someone is saying (that you could tell in person), or even over the phone.

    Sometimes women are just way too sensitive IMO.

    #603383 Reply

    Natalya

    Ambree, he didn’t have a bad day. A good one actually. So I think he meant what he said.

    He seemed rude to me too, basically because of the “it kills me”, that hurt me, and I felt frustrated because being him the one starting the convos , I found that unfair.

    But the majority of the answers here say he wasn’t rude.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about this. Because I feel somehow hurt since he said it. Call me naive, but I thought he loved those texts, and that’s why I also replied always.
    But I’m going to stop overthinking, anyway whatever that has to be , it will be. I think if I go into another argument about this with him we’ll end up hurting our relation. Fights in LDR are 10 times worse than in real life.

    What annoys me about him, and by things I read here in A new mode about men, is that they set patterns that they can’t keep. Because I remember earlier in our relation, if I was in a hurry and couldn’t reply a message, he would send another, or complain about me not replying……….and now it kills him.. Oh well..

    #603388 Reply

    Ambree

    @ Philly Girl like I stated earlier in my opinion he was being rude.U dnt know him & neither do I.Obviously Nat likes the guy on an emotional level & I guess that makes her sensitive?..Oh OK,l0l..ANYWAYS,Miss.Nat I can relate to how you feel.When we like a man on a deeper level we vibe off everything they do &/or say..I didn’t know you guys lived in different countries,don’t get me wrong I’m not going to say it’s a waste of time just be careful with your heart luv..

    #603391 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Ladies, if you don’t learn, understand, and relate to how men think, you are going to really struggle in relationships.

    Good and honest communication is the #1 pillar for all successful relationships. And if you are having unrealistic expectations about how a man needs to think, act and express himself you will be constantly butt hurt.

    Men are CHASING in the beginning. Men want and need to win, so they start chasing very often before they even know if they are really compatible and want something long term with you. Things start to calm down a little (become normal) and if they realize this is love and really want to make something of it, they settle into more reasonable levels of effort. The initial chasing is NOT sustainable over the LT. The level of effort in the first several months or so, is never sustainable. I don’t think most women are realistic. They know movies and romance novels are fake and have nothing to do with reality, yet they expect a man to always chase after them. Come on.

    When a man is in love he will make time and effort for his woman. She will be ONE of his top priorities, but NOT the ONLY one. Work, family, friends are in there too.

    So if a man respects your thoughts, feelings, opinions and makes time for you and the relationship, and shows real interest in what is important to you, he is showing his love.

    While I believe the most successful LTR’s are the ones when two people never stop dating and appreciating one another, I am amazed by some of the expectations women have.

    There are mostly 2 camps: the women with NO to little standards, and the women who expect the men to always be slaying dragons and proving their love every second.

    Neither are reasonable, or healthy

    #603396 Reply

    Maria

    Well, I actually do think his delivery was a bit rude, though I’m not sure it was intentional. Or dramatic maybe — it “kills” him— really?
    But unless he’s often rude I would just chalk it up as a bit of thoughtless delivery– it happens– and believe me if you stay together long enough at some point you’ll probably be inadvertently rude to him. none of us are perfect.

    #603399 Reply

    Phillygirl

    I think she got him in the middle of something and he was just frustrated and it didn’t come across right in text. Testing is the devil for this VERY reason. Could he have communicated this a little better? Yes.

    So unless the OP provides additional info and context showing where he is rude, thoughtless or a jerk, I do think she is making a mountain out of a molehill. So unless he’s done something else douchetastic, y’all need to LET IT GO

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