I lost his interest somewhere…but got him talking. What's my next move?


Home Forums Break Up Advice I lost his interest somewhere…but got him talking. What's my next move?

This topic contains 35 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Phillygirl 8 months, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 36 total)
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  • #591509 Reply

    Ashli

    Enter hot guy from Bumble…totally into me, super shy, a few dates. He lives 3 hours away our next few dates were overnight—the last one being a three day stay at his house. While there he was totally overwhelmed by new divorce, house issues, home projects and me. He said he was feeling “pressure” and afraid he wouldn’t be able to make me happy or be attentive enough and that would cause him to stress out. He said he needed to tell me because he didn’t want to bail or end it, but wanted it to work with me. Then it’s basically been radio silence. We texted a little bit here and there, but I’m getting the “I haven’t been meaning not to be in touch…” I really thought it was over when he was telling me how he felt, but he kept saying I want this to work…

    I left a stupid $150 shirt over there—BY MISTAKE!! lol So last night he said he found the shirt…then I got him talking about something he’s really interested in and texting was light and funny like it was in the beginning. But he didn’t ask about me so I’m feeling he’s pretty over it. Seriously…I’m not sure at this point whether to say just send the shirt in the mail or wait to see if he offers to see me again since this conversation was just last night.

    I’m not exactly sure why I want to regain his interest except he was so fun to be with—I got carried away and did move quickly, but it was also in line with what he was saying he wanted….and you know how the story goes…you like them, they bolt.

    #591513 Reply

    Hannah

    He’s had a new divorce. He’s not ready for a relationship and he knows it. I would forget him and find someone who’s in a position to be your partner.

    #591526 Reply

    Ashli

    But he’s still on Bumble and Tinder I’m sure… he says he wants a relationship. I sound completely stupid, don’t I? Ugh. He’s over it and I should be too. Damn. I really liked him and I went terribly wrong somewhere with him.

    #591529 Reply

    Ashley

    You need to relax. You just talked to him last night! Not last week! You are way too wound up. Just wait until he contacts you. Telling him to mail it makes you look overdramatic & insecure, as if you know he isn’t going to stick around so the sky is falling down. Don’t do that. Just keep busy, relax, let him come to you. ๐Ÿ™‚

    #591537 Reply

    Ashli

    Xanax, take me away! LOL ๐Ÿ˜€ Thanks for the advice, Ashley xo

    #591538 Reply

    Guin

    @ashli

    You didn’t DO anything wrong! This is just bad timing. if he texts you just keep it lighthearted. let him come to you and maybe in time he will be ready. Don’t be like me and expect him to dive straight into a relationship with you so soon after a divorce. This is something that will take a looong time. So you need to decide if you’re up for it or if you want someone with less baggage.

    #591547 Reply

    Khadija

    He sounds like he has a lot on his plate. A recent divorce is a BIG deal.

    I think you should move forward from this one and kindly ask that he mail that shirt to you.

    Next time don’t invest so much time and energy early on.

    Lastly,once a guy is showing no interest let him go. A guy who will keep interest in you is out there.

    #591554 Reply

    Ashli

    I am recently divorced too–one year. His is very painful. On the first night of my last visit there he really opened up and everything about him changed…I knew when he opened up so much that he would shut down—which is what he did, but I had two more days there. I probably should have left with all the other things he had on his plate—he was having to entertain me also. I’m not really a “light” person—I’m pretty intense in most things I do. I definitely didn’t mean to overwhelm him, but totally did. Just not sure if giving him space will even change things or if I’m defined as “done” in his mind. I thought I was following his lead, honestly. He said he wanted more, he was talking about us as if we had a future…and then it was major shut down.

    #591560 Reply

    Khadija

    Its only been a few dates.

    I think you are too invested in what he said but, not paying attention to his actions.

    He’s pulled back as should you.

    #591575 Reply

    kaye

    This doesn’t look promising at all. First, this is a long distance relationship and those are hard to manage even if you were dating and serious BEFORE it became long distance. But nearly impossible if you are starting a new relationship. Second, he is overwhelmed with a recent divorce. I never date a guy who isn’t a year or two past his divorce. You are a year out from your divorce so you should understand he needs time to heal and learn to be on his own. Third, he has alot going on with house issues and projects. Getting a new place after a divorce and rehabbing it is hard. I know because I did it! The fact he lives so far and is going to be wanting to tackle these things on the weekends when you could be seeing him is hard. Fourth, he’s already told you he’s feeling pressure and stress and doesn’t think he can make you happy. When a man tells you he doesn’t think he can make you happy, this is a WARNING! And you should believe him.

    So I”m with Khadija on this one. Find another hot guy on your dating app who is ready to date and not “overwhelmed” and 3 hours away. The odds of this one working out are slim to none. He’s already going radio silent on you.

    #591604 Reply

    Ashli

    I guess I don’t see the distance as a huge issue. We both live in small mountain communities and are used to driving long distances (an hour at minimum) for things like Target. My husband also traveled much of the time so I would have been happy to deal with seeing him when I could…at least for the time. But he has pulled way back…to the point of now just responding to me and I never used to initiate contact-ever. I just don’t want to think I screwed it up so bad it’s not salvageable…I would have been happy to give as much space as he needed—he was communicating something totally different until he was overwhelmed—or I’m just blind, which could be the case.

    I really just want to know if there’s a way now to regain his interest. I have no other choice but to deal with the fact he’s probably gone–I just want to know if there might be a chance that stupid sweatshirt could save us! lol He might offer to bring it to me. ๐Ÿ™

    #591608 Reply

    Newbie

    Give him a few weeks. I dont know what you did that was overwhelming but unless that wasnt crazy, you did nothing wrong. Give him time to collect his thoughts, but its highly Likely that his mind isnt set for a new relationship so i would date others too

    #591610 Reply

    Jamie

    Ashli, after having found a wonderful man who never leaves me guessing or trying to come up with ways to trick him into being interested in me again…I wish I hadn’t wasted my time with all those guys that just were not interested. So much energy exerted in trying to catch and hold the interest of men that were just not that into me.

    If he’s not initiating and not responding and you’re getting the sense that he’s just not interested anymore…just let him go. All this agonizing and analyzing and strategizing is just not worth it and you can be putting that energy towards something that will make your life better…a hobby, a talent, taking a class, etc. If someone is making you question things and beat yourself up about how you “screwed” it up, he’s not worth it. The one that is worth it won’t leave and lose interest over a minor misstep. Any guy that does is not that into you and it’s his loss. He is a stupid head for not realizing how great you are.

    While you’re wasting time on HIM, you can be completely missing the guy over there who maybe isn’t so good looking or so outgoing but has a terrific heart and will treat you with worth and respect and never leave you guessing and will make you happy.

    #591614 Reply

    Peggy

    Any mention of meeting to get the shirt will seem like a ploy-if he is a nice guy he will likely mail it to you. Otherwise tell him your friend will be out that way in the next week or two and they could get the shirt-see what he says, then if he does not offer to bring it to you-see if a friend would really go get it!

    #591636 Reply

    Ashli

    I wasn’t going to mention getting the shirt, I was simply going to ask that he drop it in the mail when he gets a chance and then just freaking move on. But…since we talked yesterday I’m just going to sit it out. If I don’t hear from him in a week I’ll do it then. He is such a sweet guy and was great with my little girls…it was the first time I had introduced them to anyone. He’s only the second person I have really liked since my divorce so i’m having a hard time letting go when he was so in. I used to be a total hot commodity and now I feel like the real me just doesn’t cut it. I’m 43 and he’s 45—we aren’t kids. I can’t believe the whole Tinder/Bumble conundrum and how awful it feels…so now it’s not just dating, you have to wonder if they leave you and go home to swipe…it’s gross! And what’s with all the texting! UGH! This is awful. lol

    #591638 Reply

    Jen

    My take on his is that he isn’t looking for a relationship. He enjoyed the time he spent with you, and you came across as too intense and wanting relationship. So he backed way off.

    Don’t pay attention to what a man says in the moment, it’s if his actions and words consistently match. In this case he said in so many words he wasn’t seeing a relationship with you and he has stopped pursuing you.

    A 6 hour round trip is crazy… that’s not really dating. Men bond by being able to spend a lot of time with you.. and so that distance is not sustainable. Men are very practical about such things. So I’m sure he was thinking whoa! A few overnight dates, she introduces me to her kids, this is feeling like instant family and relationship.

    I’m sure he enjoyed your company, but the practicality of dating someone 3 hours away isn’t realistic, it doesn’t bond a man closely to you, and most men just out of divorce are not looking to jump right back into a committed relationship.

    I wouldn’t keep initiating .. see what happens, it doesn’t sound hopeful. And I guess I don’t understand why women choose to get involved with men so far away. LDRs rarely work under the best circumstances.

    #591639 Reply

    Ashli

    He suggested I bring my kids to his house so we could just spend time together—he was really open and easy going about it and I was the one going—is this too much? You ok? He was cool with the kids, it was me that was too much. But I’m not a stalker or anything and it’s more like 2.5 hours and 1 in the summer—but it’s not like we can grab dinner. I get it. I screwed it up somewhere and just need to move on. Damn. I’m awesome, I’m gorgeous….he is too. We’ll be fine.

    #591642 Reply

    Jen

    Why do you keep saying you messed up?

    You barely know the guy. I think he decided after a few dates that you were not compatible. Men don’t want to hurt women, so when you hear excuses about being stressed, being depressed, being confused, afraid they can’t make you happy, want to go slow…. all those are man speak for ‘it’s not you it’s me’

    It’s a way to let you down without making you feel bad.

    If this man was ready and wanted a relationship, he would make it happen.

    So unless you are leaving out crucial details, this just sounds like a handful of dates and he decided not to pursue it.

    #591643 Reply

    Ashli

    I guess because I’m cracked! LOL I have no freaking idea. So if there’s no real hope of us hanging out and snowmobiling and just having fun then I guess I should just ask him to mail back the sweatshirt when he gets a chance. And I guess I’m shocked he stopped being into it…because he was SO into it. But that divorce…shudder….it hurt him deeply. When he started talking about it so much I was thinking…stop, stop…this is going to bite ME in the ass.

    #591645 Reply

    Linda

    Ashli, count your blessings and be glad this happened after only three dates. I personally never date anyone who just got divorced, separated or just broke up with the girlfriend. I give it about a year and a half to two years (that’s just me) You end up being the re-bound and that never ends well. Once their wounds are healed most people want to go out and really experience dating or being alone for a while.

    #591651 Reply

    L

    I’m starting to understand now why he bailed…. wow

    #591652 Reply

    Jen

    you delude yourself… it isn’t about the ‘shudder’ divorce… he was looking for fun, got carried away, and changed his mind, men who start off too hot and heavy bail,just as quickly. Read on here and see thousands of the same story.

    #591667 Reply

    Nat

    A 45-year old guy recently divorced. He had a fling with you. That’s why long distance, I am almost sure. Do not get into long distance anymore. 3 hours is a very long drive, mountains or not. Men look for women long distance specifically when they want a quick fling. A couple of weeks of texting and you get a weekend of sex. Not a bad deal. And conversations can be nice too, why not.

    Think realistically. Look for someone closer. Someone who is not recently divorced. Those are two red flags. You should not have even talked to him. he can be nice, there are many nice people, you need to find a guy who’d be a fit for YOU. His circumstances are NOT fitting at all and now you are pressing him and cursing yourself. Let it go and look for new prospects.

    He will still talk to you, he is a normal person. Mere talking does not indicate interest. It is sad that we have come to live in times when if a man does not ignore you we feel it means something.

    Do not initiate contact, but when you talk next time, ask him to drop the shirt in the mail because if it so expensive. Leave him alone completely, he will waste your time and emotions. Focus on someone else and be smarter about who you talk to. Pay attention to their circumstances. Read up about red flags.

    #591672 Reply

    Ashli

    I quote this person because this is my first time here:

    “Iโ€™m starting to understand now why he bailedโ€ฆ. wow”

    Is this really the support this community of women gives to one another? Some of these replies have been accusatory and blaming. I’m not stupid…I was being open. “Wow’ is right. Some should be careful about shaming others for their pain.

    #591675 Reply

    Linda

    Ashli, on this site just like anywhere else people will give you their opinion if you ask for it. Some even if you don’t. I’ve come on this site a few different times because of different issues and while some women are great and give awesome advise some have no filter. What I learned from the beginning is that I have no control over other people’s actions. The only thing I have control over is how I react to it. So I appreciate the good advise and I just pay no attention to people who slam me or insult me. It’s their opinion they have a right to it the same way I have a right to ignore it. So if I can give you any advise on that matter is to take the good from this forum and don’t pay attention to the negativity. You have bigger issues going on in your life.

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